Toadie in "Haunted Bordello" (Part 1)

Sure, I'm a little late with this Halloweenish type post entry... but do I care? Fuck no! My advice is to sit back, read this fine wholesome tale of insanity and mayhem and hold tight.

But before you jump in with both feet, you may want to check out this link and this link to bring you up to speed with this post, Toadie's latest adventure.

Toadie, a semi-retarded man and his girlfriend, Valerie, decided to move in together when they got back to Chicago after their "Christmas Trip" adventure. No longer was the 34 year old man under the care of his friends, Maggie and Rufus, though they did go to Valerie's apartment to see how he was doing every so often. They were, in fact, happily surprised to find that their younger cousin and somewhat dim-witted friend were moving along in their relationship to the point of being engaged to be married.

Then one morning...

Shaking the sleeping brunette from her sleep, Toadie leaned in close to his girlfriend's face and excitedly exclaimed, "Toadie wants to go on another road trip!"

Valerie, startled, opened her eyes and punched Toadie in the face, causing him to flip over the side of the bed and onto the floor. Toadie quickly got to his feet and much like an over-stimulated pet in dire craving for attention, he got back onto the bed.

Toadie said, "Toadie knows what Valerie wants for breakfast this morning."

Slightly annoyed but still curious, Valerie opened her eyes again and saw Toadie's impressive penis staring her in the face. Even though they had been fucking, quite frequently, since coming back home, she still couldn't believe how ginormous Toadie's dick was when was he hard. The only part of Toadie's anatomy that could equal the impressiveness of his schlong was his lengthy tongue; which gave Valerie many pleasurable, memorable experiences.

Valerie reached out and pulled Toadie's wang closer to her mouth. Just before taking it in, she looked at her lover's face and asked, "You're giving me the big sausage, again?" Toadie smiled and then said, "Only the best for my loving, gentle petunia ."

After Toadie and Valerie did the ol' "bump n' grind", the couple discussed taking another road trip. Toadie's normally successful methods of persuasion often left Valerie satisfied and bug-eyed.

A week later, the couple drove out onto the highway and set a course for Arizona. Along the way, they stopped at a diner for a quick lunch before heading back out onto the road. During the course of their lunch, Toadie looked up from his plate of food and watched what was happening on a television in the back corner wall. Valerie peered up from her burger to see Henry Paulson, in an interview, berating a reporter for bringing unwelcome facts to viewers and making him appear to be an unsympathetic bastard.

The former US Treasury Secretary and CEO of Goldman Sachs pointed toward the reporter and said, "The more accurate reason behind the Occupy Wall Street protest is that the majority of the poor and unemployed in this country are envious of the upper class. They want what the wealthier citizenry in this nation have- but since they don't feel they should put the effort forth to attain a better life for themselves, they will, instead, attend these radical protests in the hopes of swaying government decisions."

The reporter inquired, "So you don't feel that one possible reason behind the "Occupy" protests could be that the people are angry that the government is being influenced and manipulated by banks, corporations and the powerful one percent in America?"

Henry Paulson smirked for a second and then whispered, "The bottom feeders are just joining in the fray of this desperate act of futility instead of attempting to find employment."

The reporter asked, "What was that?"

Paulson said, loud enough to be heard, "I believe there are certain members of society who feel disenfranchised because of the current state of our economy."

Toadie leaned far to one side and butt burped a long, aromatic fart that wafted in the air and was inhaled by several elderly people in a nearby booth. The geriatrics suddenly clutched their throats and chests. George, an old gentleman sitting on the outside half of the booth, mumbled a short prayer before exclaiming, "Something is amiss!"

At that, George's head plopped down in a bowl of oatmeal. Important Information: The oatmeal was flavored with cinnamon powder and tiny, organically grown chunks of naturally sweet Granny Smith apples.

The old man in the oatmeal bowl laboriously exhaled, which produced from his mouth a bubble made of a combination of warm oats and two percent milk (and let's not forget those delicious apples!).

When Valerie and Toadie paid their bill, they returned to the car and drove into the state of Arizona. Their destination was the Grand Canyon. But after an hour of driving they became lost and confused. The joint they began smoking upon passing the state line might have had something to do with it. Who knows? I mean, it's not like I know the story or something.

Eventually, Val and Toadie completely went off the beaten track and wound up in a ghost town. Now, if you had been paying attention to the more northern portion of this blog post, you will have noticed a blog post title- which would, of course, given you a clue as to where this most amazing story was leading.

Ahem... and stuff.

Toadie and Val slowly drove into the long abandoned town. You could almost hear the eerie music in the background, but not quite, because Val had a radio station on that was playing Alternative music set at high volume. Toadie cocked his head and saw a few doors to old wooden shops and a saloon slam open and shut. He thought this odd because the air was still.

As they stopped in the middle of the small old western town in order to back up and turn around, the car made a chugging noise and then shook a little. Valerie looked down at her dashboard. The car had run out of gas. They sat there for a few moments, quiet in thought. The sun gradually made it's decent behind some far away mountains in the desert. Saguaro cacti covered most of the area they were in.

Toadie got out of the car and convinced himself that it was a good idea to go into one of the vacant buildings to search for anything that could help them. Valerie went into what was once a saloon and bordello. In the days of the Old West, this bordello had employed a dozen or so prostitutes. A woman by the name of Annie was the Madam of the place. She was a beautiful blonde haired, good-natured woman who had sucked many a cowboy off back in the day. It was rumored she had fallen in love with a cowboy named Joe.

When Toadie went past a wall in the saloon, he shook his head, curious and surprised at who he thought he saw in an old picture hanging on the wall. He took his key light out of his pocket, shined it toward the picture and upon closer inspection, he remembered seeing the people in the old photograph.

Stayed tuned for part two of this enchanting tale.

Hocus Pocus and Presto Change-o.  Here's the link for Part 2 of this stimulating, educational yarn.  :) 

Interesting Links, A Movie Clip and More

Check out the links below, friends and neighbors! There are things here that will likely interest and/or entertain you for hours on end. Enjoy!

Cooking The History Books: The Thanksgiving Massacre

Global Warming Skepticism

Does Death Exist? New Theory Says 'No'

Velvet Worm News

Man Says Police Forcibly Collected Urine Sample

Top Documentary Films

Why GMO Foods Have Failed At Producing Healthy Food For More People

Paranormal News

The Creature From Jekyll Island

Propaganda, PR and PsyOps

Near Death Experience Research Foundation

The Advantages and Disadvantages of Penises and Vaginae (My guest post on It's A Lollipop World)

Buffalo Bill Dance

Second Round of Auditions For The Circus

If you missed the previous "round of auditions", click here, friends and neighbors! It might help you when reading this second part of the story. Either that or it will transport you to a far away loony bin, where purple cross-eyed elves and Happy Ewes in crotchless panties frolic about you as you drool, uncontrollably.

As the family of mentally impaired clown midgets left Asmodeus' Astounding Circus, happy to be newly employed, the ringmaster, Gregorio, grabbed a flask of whiskey from his pocket and took a swig. Byron Asmodeus, the owner of the circus, was a large man with dark brown eyes with just a hint of red surrounding the pupils. The look on his face seemed to convey much wisdom. Byron had owned the circus for 20 odd years. His ringmaster, Gregorio, was his hardworking manager.

Asmodeus stood up from the desk to stretch his long legs after hours of judging, took out a joint, lit it and inhaled deeply. After exhaling, he looked to his ringmaster and asked, "Who's next?"

Gregorio put the flask back in his pocket and announced, "Next, we have a very different group of characters up for audition, my old friend." Asmodeus nodded, rubbed his goatee and said, "Fresh meat for my entertainment."

After this was said, the potential performers for the circus were escorted into the tent by a very large, muscle bound behemoth by the name of Gonza. Gonza was a cruel, burly man who enjoyed his job as Head of Security for Asmodeus. Many claimed Gonza had crushed the skulls of dozens of victims, with his massive hands, in the past. Asmodeus knew of Gonza's past and had hired him, almost immediately.

Asmodeus and Gregorio sat down at the large wooden desk after they had taken a short recess between rounds of auditions.

The first performer stepped onto the stage. Gregorio promptly introduced him, saying, "This is Mr. Wait and See."

Asmodeus asked the man, who seemed weak in appearance, what he did.

Mr. Wait and See said, with little enthusiasm, "I wait and see what will happen as we continue to experience global warming and volatile climate change and ignore all the obvious signs of the evidence around us until civilization crumbles, as it has before, and we, as a supposedly intelligent species, die off."

Asmodeus nodded, considered what Mr. Wait and See had said and then commanded Gonza to come over. Asmodeus explained, "Gonza will assist you in your performance."

Gonza cheerfully and ruthlessly grabbed the puny man's head with both enormous hands and with sheer force, popped Mr. Wait and See's head like a candy-filled piñata. Instead of candy, however, blood, brain matter and bone fragments were sent flying in all directions, hitting everyone in a twenty yard radius. Mr. Wait and See's body fell, lifeless, to the floor.

Asmodeus licked the blood off his lips and then shouted, "Clean up on stage 3!"

Not long after this, a little curly haired dwarf waddled up to the stage with a mop, bucket and other cleaning supplies. Quicker than their eyes could register what they were seeing, the dwarf moved with mercurial speed and had the mess gone in seconds. Gonza took the headless corpse and fed it to the ravenous wolves outside. He laughed heartily and then said, "You don't have to 'wait' for your dinner today, my friends."

The wolves quickly gobbled up the body, with teeth gnashing, tearing the corpse into shreds. With their appetites satiated, the wolves slept comfortably, occasionally cutting the odd fart or two.

"Next, we have The Amazing Trixie to possibly entertain us," explained the ringmaster.

Asmodeus eyed the college girl's voluptuous figure and speculated on how he would enjoy having the young woman as a guest, later, inside his mansion.

"And what can you do for me, today?" asked the ancient circus owner, spittle forming at the corner of his mouth.

The girl, completely overjoyed and oblivious to the fact that someone had just been heinously murdered in front of her, was ignoring Asmodeus and Gregorio. She was texting away on her little electronic contraption about her plans for the upcoming weekend.

"Ahem!" shouted Gregorio, in an attempt to get her attention.

Trixie, startled, looked up and coyly asked, "Oh, it's my turn?" Her sizable breasts jiggled as she bounced up and down, bubbly and full of surprising energy.

Asmodeus stared evilly at Trixie and whispered, "Tell us what you're going to do and do it... Now."

The Amazing Trixie giggled and then replied, "Well, um, heh heh, I'm kinda doing it right now."

Ringmaster Gregorio demanded, "Explain yourself, girl!"

Trixie brushed her blonde hair back, laughed and said, "Well, um, I'm able to text and text and text and never stop, no matter what happens around me."

Asmodeus glared at her. Trixie's once overly perky smile turned upside down into a frown as she added, "Well, um, until now."

Asmodeus rubbed his chin and let out a howl of laughter. Trixie was relieved, taking this as a sign that "all was good in the neighborhood", so to speak.

Crimson horns sprouted, suddenly, from the top of Asmodeus' head. Showing the true nature of who and what he really was, Asmodeus stood up and calmly walked over to Trixie. The demon took Trixie by the chin with his clawed hand and with fiery eyes looking down into her almost completely innocent face, he calmly said, "Gonza, will you please escort the young woman outside so that I may confer with her, in private, later?"

Gonza bounded onto the stage, grabbed Trixie around the waist and hurriedly whisked the college girl off the stage. When this happened, she dropped her texting device. Before she was exited out of the tent, everyone heard her exclaim, "Wait! I dropped my phone! I need to text my gal pals about the new color I painted my toenails!"

By this time the other potential auditioning performers were shifting, uneasily, from foot to foot. They looked up at the demon, Asmodeus, who had somehow grown taller in size and more fierce looking. Trembling, a few of them pissed their pants in fright.

Ignoring their fear, Ringmaster Gregorio waved the next one up onto the stage and introduced a man that was clothed in an expensive suit and tie. He seemed very out of place.

"Next, we have Speaker of The House, John Boner."

The politician nervously corrected the ringmaster and said, "Uh...My name is... um... pronounced 'Bay-ner'... actually."

"Boner, it is, then," said Gregorio, unflinchingly.

Asmodeus bent down, inches from the Speaker of The House's orange-ish colored face and menacingly inquired, "What is it that you believe you can do for me in order to possibly entertain our audiences in the future, Mr. Boner?"

Normally outspoken Republican, John Boehner, hesitated at first, then explained, "Well... I can... cry at will in order to seem... genuinely passionate... for the media and the American public."

"Yes, go on," demanded the demon, with smoke rising up from his hellish form.

Boehner continued, "And I am able, um, eh, to help convince members of congress and the American public that... we really have no need for nationwide healthcare that would allow even the poorest of them access to health insurance."

Boehner paused for a few seconds before saying, "And I have done much more than that... to cause, umm, needless misery for my personal gain. For instance, I..."

The demon held up his clawed hand to stop Boehner from droning on about his achievements.

Asmodeus grinned at the evil of which the politician spoke of. Nevertheless, the demon circus owner was considering the weaknesses of the man before him.

The demon sighed and then replied, "Though you show remarkable qualities in the political arena in which you dwell, I'm afraid there is no position you can fill here."

Boehner seemed sad and caused himself to shed a perfect single tear after hearing this decision.

"Awww," said Asmodeus, "Please don't be despondent, Mr. Boner."

The Speaker of The House looked up and smiled, believing that the demon was taking pity upon him. No sooner than this thought pass in his mind that the great, terrifying figure from the depths of hell rammed his arm down Boehner's throat and slowly pulled out the pathetic man's heart, intestines and other vital organs from his body. The politician's screams were muffled by the demon's arm and his body shook as blood and gore gushed out of every orifice.

Finally, the body fell to the stage floor. The head of the human was an unfamiliar mangled mess as every bone, eye and other parts of his face had been reduced to mush.

Gonza walked over with a garbage bag and scooped up the remains. Before exiting the tent, Gonza said, "Thank you, Master. The wolves will have full bellies, tonight."

Asmodeus laughed, heartily and then replied, "Just be sure to give them something for the indigestion they're likely to have with this last heap of human garbage."

Everyone burst out with gales of nervous laughter. Asmodeus sat back down and asked, "Who wishes to perform for me next?"

This story will likely be continued at a later time... at my convenience. :-)

Life Lessons From Father To Son

Minutes after placing the plastic Santa, sleigh, reindeer, snowman in the yard and decorating the house with many festive lights in order to give Sean's residence the appearance of a typical American home during the much commercialized season, Sean placed his arm around Timmy's shoulder. The 40 year old corporate executive was proud of his accomplishment. It was important, in Sean's mind, that he keep up with the other neighbors' decorated yards in his suburb. He looked down to see if his son was taking in the grandeur of the perfectly well placed decorations and lights, as well. As usual, Timmy was preoccupied with the latest version of his iPod, texting away another irrelevant message to a friend in a long line of trivial messages.

That reminded Sean. He needed to buy himself an upgraded version of an electronic gadget he had bought only a month ago. Texting, instant messaging and twittering was such a vital part of Sean's life and he just had to have the very latest electronic gadget in order to keep up with appearances and to make himself feel just that much more special than anyone who didn't have the latest electronic gadget at the moment. Sean's cars, mansion, big screen TVs, yacht and the rest of his possessions meant everything to him. After all, Sean thought, your portfolio, your money and the material things you own is a reflection upon your true value in society. And this thought, in turn, reminded Sean that he needed to have a serious talk with his 12 year old son about the facts of life.

"Son," said Sean, demanding Timmy's attention, "I think it's time we had THE TALK."

Sean had to snap the texting device out of Timmy's hands in order to stop the boy's addictive behavior and get his attention. It seemed that everyone during this time had such an addiction to electronic gadgets. At times, it seemed as though they were mindless texting, cell phone- talking zombies, incapable of standing in front of someone and communicating directly to them. With blank stares upon their little screens, they tappity-tap-tapped upon their hand held device's buttons, pausing only if it was absolutely necessary.

Timmy whined, "Hey, I was texting something to Ricky."

Sean said, "When we're finished talking, I'll let you have it back. Don't worry."

Timmy got a pout-y look on his face, thinking it would gain him back his gadget. It didn't. It was one of the few times Timmy didn't get his way with Sean.

Sean started, "It's time for you to know just how important is to run with the pack. To conform. Be a complete team player in life. And perhaps, most importantly, never differentiate from the norm so everyone, from your classmates in school to your fellow players in an organized league to your future co-workers in the office, will accept you during life. Never rock the boat."

Timmy looked up, asked, "Office? Why do I have to work in an office? Why can't I work at the supermarket with Uncle Frank?"

Sean laughed and then continued explaining, "Your Uncle Frank is what we call a loser. A no account. A grunt who performs routine tasks. A nothing, in truth."

"Why do you say that?," inquired Timmy.

As Sean walked Timmy back to the warmth of the interior of the mansion, the father said, "Uncle Frank didn't go to college. Instead of choosing a career where he would earn an annual six figure salary, Frank decided to waste his life and opportunities to work behind a deli counter, never to achieve what you kids today call the "awesomeness" of having considerable wealth and exceptional stature." With this said, Sean winked and nodded, affirmatively. He was hoping to get through to his son the importance of appearances and the never ending goal of attaining vast wealth throughout his lifetime.

As they stepped inside, Sean instructed Timmy to sit at the table for more enlightenment. At the table, Timmy said, "I don't understand. I always thought Uncle Frank was pretty happy. He's always smiling, the couple of times I've seen him."

Sean replied, "It doesn't matter if Uncle Frank is happy. What's important is wealth and conformity. Frank, from the day he was born, hasn't followed the rules of American society and as a result, doesn't measure up to our standards, my son. It's just that simple."

Timmy seemed confused at first, but then his expression brightened.

"So that's why you never invite Uncle Frank to Christmas or Thanksgiving every year," said Timmy, pleased that his father was smiling at his sudden comprehension.

Sean patted the boy on the head and said, happily, "You betcha!"

Timmy exclaimed, "Uncle Frank isn't as good as we are!"

"Why Frank has hardly any value as a human being at all," confided Sean, proud that his boy was eagerly learning a valuable lesson.

Timmy and Sean laughed heartily. This is going to be a wonderful day, thought Sean. The boy was soaking in all the wisdom Sean had to offer like a thirsty sponge.

At that moment, Vicky, Sean's wife walked in from the living room. She asked, "Will you boys be ready to go shopping in about an hour?" Sean and Timmy nodded. "There's a new upscale department store in the city that I've wanted to go into and we have reservations at The Capital Grille later tonight. I hear the Seared Tenderloin with Butter Poached Lobster is out of this world. I"m just so looking forward to eating there."

Sean and Timmy decided to go into the living room to watch TV. A news program was playing, showing the plight of people that had lost their jobs, recently, and were having trouble keeping their homes.

Timmy giggled, pointed and then exclaimed, "Look, dad! Poor people! They're stupid!"

Sean confirmed Timmy's outburst, saying, "That's right, son!"

Sean continued, "And if you should see any people at any time like this or any other losers that ask you for a handout, just pretend that they don't exist. It's easy. And it's the American Way"

The next images were of people fighting a war in the Middle East. Sean thought he could contribute more to his son's education by explaining the reason we were at war.

Sean asked, "Do you know the reason why our young soldiers are risking their lives over in the far away country called...? Eh, I forget the name at the moment... but that's not important anyway."

Timmy said, "Nope. I never really cared. Whenever they talk about war stuff on TV, I usually turn on my PS3 and play games."

Sean thought, Well, I really can't blame him there. Whenever the subject of whatever war we were currently in came on the screen, he'd quickly change channels to some televised sporting event.

"Well," said Sean, "The reason we go to war with people that are different than us is due to a number of things. One, they might have something that we want. Like oil, for instance. Two, our corporations and our government may have found ways to make a profit from setting up our "democracy bases" in these countries, therefore, we should be there. And three, it's the patriotic thing to do."

Timmy said, "I thought I heard it was about terrorism or somethin'."

Sean put his hand on his son's arm while saying, "Well, son, our government and politicians have used fear mongering and terms suggesting that you're not a true patriot unless you want go to another country and kill their people who have nothing to do with terrorism, per se. In fact, a lot of innocent civilians are killed over there for really unfair reasons, I suppose, if you really want to dwell on that sort of thing. Our own soldiers die over there, as well, but hey, ya gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelet."

Sean pointed up toward the air and said, triumphantly, "Heck, our country was practically taken and founded upon the massacre of people different than us. You've heard of Indians, right? Well, we had to wipe them out early on in order to spread across this land like a virus. They had our land and we took it from them. We even let a few of them live. 'Might is right', as they say."

Sean laughed a bit and then added, "But who says life has to be fair? It's the end result that counts. As Americans, we have to protect our gluttonous, selfish way of life by doing things that may seem immoral to some losers but that doesn't really matter. Money matters. Satisfying our needs is what matters. Doing what the government tells you to do and what to believe, no matter how much you think it is a lie, is what truly matters."

Timmy thought about what his father said and though a lot of it didn't make sense, he decided to go along with it. It seemed to him that if everyone else was going along with these rules, then it must be right.

Timmy said, "I guess I get it."

Sean said, "That's all I need to hear. Just remember... the majority is always right. Think and act like everyone else and you'll do just fine. In the future, you'll go to college, get a high paying career, get married, buy a big house and other expensive items, raise a couple rug-rats of your own and never question authority or the government. Don't rock the boat."

Timmy smiled and then said the words a father wants to hear the most from his son.

"I want to be just like you when I grow up, dad."

Sean said, "You betcha, son." Sean, assured of Timmy's compliance with all that was said, gave Timmy his iPod back.

Minutes later, the family gathered into the limousine and were taken into the city for a day and night of heavily commercialized Christmas shopping and fine dining. Life couldn't be better for Sean. Sean felt he had instilled valuable life lessons in his son and took exceptional pride in that accomplishment.

Conditioning Techniques and Widespread Insanity

The first time you put your finger in a quickly rotating metal fan blade will probably also be your last. When you see the blood spurting forth from your digit like a geyser, you will have hopefully learned a lesson. And you will come away with not only a dismembered finger, but an association of the spinning metal fan blade with pain and the loss of something valuable. Like your goddamn finger!

In our everyday world, such learned associations or conditioned responses are realized in countless ways: A driver will brake at a red light in order to avoid injury or a ticket. Somebody eating shrimp and afterwards feel their throat closing up to an allergic reaction to shellfish will likely not eat it again and avoid it, entirely. A friend that steals from you will teach you not to trust that person again. And so on. These types of conditioned responses can only benefit you in the future.

These are normal, natural responses that prove useful in your life. Positive stimuli for your benefit.

And then there are the ones that aren't useful, beneficial, normal or natural. Such as: Phobias, superstitions, blindly following instead of thinking for fear of ridicule or punishment, addictions to drinking, gambling, money or anything self destructive for hollow, temporary contentedness.

People, I've always found, are an odd bunch. Even as a kid, I was an observer of society. The older I become, the more I see the flaws that get in the way of human progress. Often times, I wonder if we are devolving.

From youth to adult, we are conditioned by the commercials we see on TV or rhetoric we read from print or computer to act or feel a certain way. We're duped by ads, politicians, supervisors, friends, family and more. Conditioning techniques come in the forms of rewards and punishments. Do and act correctly, according to society as a whole and you may receive an award. If you refrain from doing what is expected or required- punishment may be inflicted in verbal or physical form.

There are only a few things that people are capable of that I can think of that are clearly acts that require punishment. Murder of an innocent human is one. Rape is another. Stealing, yet another. Telling someone a lie, in order that they do your bidding, is a good example, too. I'm sure there are more but I could be typing all night long. And that's not going to happen.

What frustrates me is the fact that people are not aware of these techniques that are used to ingrain these negative notions inside their minds. At least, that's the evidence that seems to be flaunted by most everyone. All they know is what they're told.

Religions, companies and governments are grand manipulators. Weapons they use that dig into your mind for their benefit the most? Words that instill fear so you do their bidding. Think about that, unless you haven't already.

It seems as years go by, while casually observing the public, friends, family and myself, of course, the will to think for oneself in this society has become disrupted and even corrupted. Has it always been this way with the human species? To think or act this way or else?

To be made a slave by any organized mass is the truest shame one can take on. When I see everyone in our society thinking and acting as expected or planned, it causes me to believe that we are not unwilling victims of widespread insanity but that we actually invite it, welcome it and wrap it around ourselves as if it were a warm, comfortable security blanket.

End of The World Delight

Hey gang, let your old pal, Uncle Kelly, tell ya the tale of a lil' planet of long ago. It was called, oddly enough, Idiotica, and it was outrageously overpopulated with a bunch of wacky two legged creatures. They were called DumbAsses.

Now they say the DumbAsses on planet Idiotica started out as crazy turd-throwin' monkeys. But I don't know about that. I have my own theory that seems a bit more sensible. I think a bunch of messed up, drug lovin' aliens got bored one week and dropped by perfect Idiotica for a bit of experimental hooha. Since the aliens didn't poke each other in the porkholes anymore and they were gettin' tired of lookin' at all of the mountains, oceans and trees- I think they decided to break up the monotony of living on Idiotica with an act that would change everything on the planet. Yes sir, the aliens decided to make a new species of being with their advanced technology. Thus, the DumbAsses were emanated. The aliens, seeing what they created, were so embarrassed, they took off like a flea and didn't come back for a real long time.

So after the aliens left the DumbAsses to make decisions for themselves, the Early DumbAsses right away began playing "Take Mr. Stinky and Push Him Into The Taco of Love." When they weren't doing that, they would hunt down vermin, eat til their bellies bloat and hit each other with sticks.

Oddly enough, a lot of the inhabitants of Idiotica delighted in their worship of inanimate objects. The theory being- If ya sing your praises to a rock, the rock will give your people a head of lettuce and other stuff. Here's a sample of a couple of their prayers:

Oh statue of a god I just made up

Please tell me what I should do.

Should I take my first born

And drown him in the river

Or allow him to grow up to be a fine DumbAss like me?

Another one...

Oh big ol' shiny ball in the sky

You are so great

And look so good up there

Could you make it so we have enough beans for the winter

I love you

Later, the folks of Idiotica moved on to praying to deities they couldn't see. A lot of times, they would fight over their deities and beliefs and cause plentiful bloodshed for anyone who didn't believe what they believed. They even had festive events called Inquisitions where they would pick a disbeliever out from the crowd and slowly torture them to an agonizing death. Ha ho! They sure knew how to have a jolly ol' time!

It's been on record in the history books that one of the knights, during a holy war, had this to say, as he plunged his sword into the chest of an unarmed DumbAss, "Come-come, my good man. Cannot you see the practicality of believing in the glory of my god?" The unarmed DumbAss had this to say, "Ahhhh!" Then he died.

During the Industrial Age, The DumbAsses made something that would change their world for years to come. It was called pollution and they used it to slowly poison themselves to death. Hurray!

Another wacky thing the DumbAsses liked ta do was cut down trees. They weren't happy, it seemed, until they cut down every last one. When all the rain forests were wiped out, they noticed (a bit too late) that good clean air and oxygen was a bit scarce.

A lot of crazy things they did to pollute and ravage the planet also changed the weather. It was called global warming. Whew! It's gettin' hot in here. Can you kids say s-l-o-w-d-e-a-t-h?

The main objective of living on Idiotica, of course, was to get more moola (money). And enough was never enough for the typical DumbAss. And the more ya had, the more other DumbAsses seemed to respect ya. Which is funny and truly pathetic when ya think about it. Ha ho! Those crazy DumbAsses loved and worshiped those lil' green pieces of paper more than any other god on Idiotica. In fact, the whole ecosystem of Idiotica was forsaken for the Almighty Dollar. Golly!

Every so often, the DumbAsses of Idiotica would elect a new president, king or puppet. One country of DumbAsses, in particular, prided itself on being free. Free ta do what? The only freedom these DumbAsses really had was the right to vote for a new ruler every so often. They didn't get to make the laws of their land. They didn't get ta decide how much money would be ripped out of their paychecks to support their government. And many times, the DumbAsses' government would control the DumbAsses by telling them lies and forcing them to watch ancient reruns of Gilligan's Island or worse yet, The Jerry Springer Show. Excuse me now- while I puke up a Toyota.

And good gollykins but those DumbAsses enjoyed a good war. It would always be about land, religion, fossil fuels or the color of skin. These DumbAsses would kill each other like there was no tomorrow. Crazy fun for one and all! They wouldn't be satisfied until they had annihilated almost everybody in a big ol' murderous frenzy.

Now a couple DumbAsses would try to rally people for the cause of peace.

Peace. Peace. Peace. That's all they would talk about. They, of course, were killed instantly. Where did they think they were? On another planet or something?

The world wars that would be engaged in later were over food, water and the basic necessities of life. Strangely enough, instead of pulling together so that their species had a chance of surviving, they continued to kill and kill and kill one another. Imagine that!

Finally, the aliens came back to check up on the DumbAsses, ready to introduce themselves proper and such. But when they arrived, they saw that the folks on Idiotica had enough nuclear warheads and other high powered weaponry to entirely destroy their planet 50 X 3 plus 2 and decided the DumbAsses were intent on killing themselves and weren't worth their time and trouble.

With the advent of the predicted Final World War, the seas and oceans boiled while the lands of Idiotica burned with the fires of nuclear devastation. Alas, there was to be no surviving for any DumbAss due to complete widespread fallout and radiation. And did I mention fire? Woohoo!

What started out as a perfectly beautiful, life sustaining planet was eventually turned into a perfectly destroyed ashen rock of lifelessness. The End.

Gosh, you sure didn't see that coming. Did you? Ha ha! Well, this is Uncle Kelly, bidding you a joyous farewell and sweet happy dreams. Aloha, adios and goodbye!

Illogical Impatience And Other Societal Mental Illnesses

Where's my goddamn five layered, cheesy, beany, greasy, ass imploding 1o pound burrito?! Where's my anti-fart and acid reflux pills to go along with it?

On the Internet, I found there was research done on one of society's main flaws, impatience. The basic conclusion to this widespread American condition/tradition was that we are addicted to instant gratification. Which, just by casual observation, anyone can see.

The researchers cited fast food joints to be an excellent example of this and how they are one of the main culprits in perpetuating this "gotta have it now" attitude. The study suggests the fast food industry has greatly influenced our culture in this negative way. This makes sense to me. And I won't lie to ya. I'm impatient as hell, too.

If I'm kept waiting at a light at an intersection for too long, say, uh, one freakin' minute, I either pound on the steering wheel (which is kinda pretzel shaped now) or go the other direction, so to speak, and pop off to SleepyBye Land for a quick siesta in the driver's seat. About that time, some asshole, inevitably, will blow his horn behind me, causing me to wake, piss myself and have a stroke, simultaneously.

Of course, this reminds me of Road Rage. For those of you not living in industrialized countries, Road Rage is a little game that commuters, those driving to work and from, will play during the busiest times on the interstates and highways. The rules to Road Rage are fairly easy. Being angry is a prerequisite in order to play properly.

Road Rage Rules:

Rule #1 -Find a completely congested highway or interstate that is cluster-fucked with an endless sea of cars. Be sure you're in the thick of this man-made fucking mess. If it's a hot day, roll down the windows, if you wish, for the added benefit of sucking in the exhaust fumes of the cars around you. This may help to further enrage you. Caution: The sucking in of too many of these fumes may prevent you from moving on to Rule #2.

Rule #2 -Honking your horn, gritting your teeth, making obscene gestures and remarks, spitting, frothing at the mouth, bumping the car in front of you, using all manner of weaponry (guns, bazookas and/or hand grenades) are all fair strategies to be used, and really, are symptoms of an insane society, in regards to Road Rage. Go ahead! Make every one's day!

Rule #3 -Whoever lives is the winner and gets to go home, drink a beer and watch "Family Guy". If any body parts are missing (eye, finger, leg, anus, etc...) from the game played, previously, you may return to the road and go to the hospital. You have my permission.

Yesterday, I saw on the news that senators and other politicians in both Republican and Democratic parties are receiving death threats, in verbal and written forms, for voting for or against the Health Care Reform Bill -which, by the way, I'm happy to say, has finally passed after more than a year of bickering and lies. People are panicky and impatient for positive results of this progress or any upcoming progress, I believe, because of our national unemployment problems, recession and wondering how they're going to pay next month's bills and put food on the table. It doesn't help when one side of the political coin fuels the incendiary nature of society by making inflammatory remarks or remarks that incite fear and confusion.

Unfortunately for us, both parties excel in this destructive venture.

That, my friends, makes me hot under the collar. For real.

Of course, there are those times when impatience is understandable. Such as:

-While waiting too long at the doctor's office (two or more hours) for a routine appointment or for a missing limb. You may want to alert someone about any missing limbs. Preferably, by loud shouting and waving your bloody stump around in a circular fashion.

-While waiting for a service tech to get on the phone and then, when you finally do get a human on the line, they speak in a fucked up, heavily foreign-accented form of your language, causing you to seethe with anger and frustration until, ultimately, you throw your phone towards the cat, who proceeds to flee and crash into your significant other's favorite lamp or urn full of dead relative's ashes or gold plated hookah with accompanying wise caterpillar, thus causing greater turmoil in the end and possible bloodshed for every living thing in the house. Woo hoo. Impatience is understandable. Telling the service tech that you need to speak to someone you can understand is understandable. Maiming the cat and destroying the house is unacceptable.

You can think of more examples, I'm sure.

The point is, and it has taken me awhile to get to it because I'm kinda scatter-brained (it isn't noticeable, is it?), that being patient is more than just an important virtue to have and practice. Being patient can keep you and everyone else healthy. Anyone of us can promote harmony instead of chaos, which an individual or group's impatience is usually good at causing. The times are few when it's a good idea to to put your anger and impatience into action.

Why Do People Have A Problem With Health Care Reform?

The Health Care Reform Bill will ensure that low income U.S. citizens and small businesses, alike, will be able to afford health care. This would be great, for many reasons, if and when it ever passes approval from fat and wealthy politicains. It means anyone unable to receive medical attention because they could not afford it due to being unemployed, not earning enough money or their job doesn't carry health insurance -they won't have to worry about the added problem of not having health insurance.

In other words, when and if some poor woman is cooking herself a meal of Ramen noodles in the kitchen and her uterus just so happens to fall out onto the linoleum floor, without notice -if she has government health insurance- she will be able to afford having her uterus pushed back inside by a doctor -instead of her five year old son, who only moments ago was cheerfully playing with his puppy dog and not being screamed at by his mother with instructions to gather up her dragging uterus and hurriedly jam the whole bulging thing back into her woo hoo, thus scarring the boy for the rest of his life with images that will force him to fear women's vaginas as if they were uterus vomiting monsters.

And yes, that really is a stuffed toy uterus, meant for children, on the upper left corner, complete with fallopian tube arms and soft little nubbins the manufacturers call the ovaries.

As I've pointed out so many times before, people will sell anything and people will buy anything.

Back to the point of this post: I don't see why health care reform has been turned into a political power struggle for Democrats and Republicans. This is something our country desperately needs. Everyone deserves health care and it is inhumane to withhold something so vital to everyone. There are people in this country that constantly have to choose between putting food on the table or receiving medications or undergoing much needed medical treatment -such as surgery, medications, therapies and doctor visits.

Almost every country in this world, industrialized or not, has some sort of health care system, provided by their government. Why can't we get our act together in this country? Too busy policing other nations? Too busy getting fat and wealthy while the other half of the world dies in poverty? Too many Republicans using fear tactics, as usual, to sway an illiterate nation into whatever insane idea is being repeatedly drilled into our gullible minds?

Hey, it worked for George Bush. How many excuses and outright lies did he use to go to war in the Middle East? Weapons of mass destruction, anyone? And we, along with other participating nations, are still paying the price with soldiers' lives and destroyed relationships and the destroyed mental health of soldiers who survive.

And with this health care reform, anyone can still opt to pick their own health care insurance. The government provided health insurance plan isn't being forced down anyone's throats. It's there for those who can't afford it. I can't make it any clearer than that. I think if anyone that actively goes against this needs their brain examined. And if they don't have health insurance, they can consider themselves fucked because many doctors will refuse to look at their mentally impaired brain if they don't have health insurance.

Feeding America, the nations largest domestic hunger-relief charity, provides a quadrennial comprehensive study of domestic hunger called "Hunger in America 2010". The data from this study showed the following truths:

• More than 35 percent of adult clients report having to choose between health care and food in the past year.
• There has been a 60 percent increase, over four years, in the number of adult clients who report that they or another household member has no health insurance.
• Almost half of our adult clients report that they or a household member has unpaid medical bills.
• One in three adult clients report that someone in their household is in "poor health."
• One in 10 adult clients report that they have been refused medical care in the past year because they couldn't afford it.

That last point is the one that bothers me the most. 1 in 10 people don't have health insurance. That's a disgusting legacy or condition for a nation that is supposedly a major leader in the world today. It isn't socialism, as Republicans often cry out, to have the ability to see a doctor or have a much need operation performed because you have health care insurance, whether it's government sponsored or not. Like having the right to be given an attorney to represent you during a court hearing, everyone should have the right to have health care insurance.

No one should be in the position to have to decide whether you will have your electric bill paid or your kids fed at the table or a life disease disease or condition being treated in any given month(s). In my opinion, that is an inhuman condition and should not be allowed and those who would oppose Health Care Reform are fucking monsters.

William Blum Interview

This clip below features an audio interview with William Blum, author of five books. He talks about how America has become an empire, using war and other forms of intervention to control the rest of the world. Whether you agree or disagree, he makes a compelling point that the CIA and U.S. military has changed other nations, throughout it's short history, in dramatic ways that the American public doesn't know about (or likely not care about).

It's all about manipulation, money and power, folks.

And hey, if you really want to support our troops, let's get them the fuck out of these needless wars so they can go home to their families in one piece -both physically and mentally. I'm tired of reading about U.S. soldiers killing themselves because they've been deployed over and over again in countless tours of duty.

Yes, the video is over ten minutes long. And yes, it is worth watching if you care about the truth.

Supposed Scandals and China Nonsense

What's this sick, hardly disguised fascination with celebrity men being caught cheating on their girlfriends or wives? Every other channel on TV I bounced back and forth to, yesterday, had Tiger Woods' public apology video on it. This is yet another example of blatant, cold blooded ignorance, coupled with greed.

Woods shouldn't have to apologize profusely to anyone but his wife. Yeah, he's a sex addict or whatever. I don't know for certain or care. I certainly don't give a rat's ass how many women he's fucked. By the way, Tiger, I thought I'd let ya know.... They could be boinkin' ya because you're rich and famous and not because of your less-than-sparkling personality. Not that you would care about that or anything. Heh heh.

Pressing onward... The thinly veiled spectacle was on TV all day and night, yesterday. The media was feasting on the supposed "big story" like a retarded, cross-eyed lion chewing on a zebra. No offense to the mentally impaired. Just my hearty offense to the media.

Like the David Letterman "big story" about him and his interns before Tiger and whoever before that -Whatever is going on in anyone's personal lives has nothing to do with the rest of us -unless real help is wanted -and should not be exploited as an excuse that it is somehow "news". It is a greed-oriented media/government and/or corporate kind of mind trick that should be exploited as the real news.

These supposed scandals certainly should not involve the media. The media believes it is their job of publicizing "news" that really isn't news. I'm hopeful you aren't blind to the fact that it is all done for profit. The bigger the supposed "scandal" (which isn't really a scandal), the more money they make with higher ratings. We, the lesser- We, the consumers- Are tools for their greed. As long as people keep tuning in to these non-scandals, non-stories and buying newspapers, books and whatever media they are selling about their worthless shit, the more Corporate America will keep putting it out there.

To the corporate ran media the motto is: To hell with how the people of those "scandals", the victims directly involved, feel about being publicly disgraced. That is the main message they send out and it is obvious to any individual who can think or feel.

I say, "Fuck that!" And I also say,"Fuck the kind of society who feels that intruding on a celebrity or non-celebrity's personal life is anything resembling news." I can't speak for the rest of the world but the United States is completely fucked up. This country's society seems to be the most puritanical, backward and hung up on sex than any other country in the world.

Do you want to know what news you don't see more of that reflects the reality of life? And is the real news.

Try: Poverty, the hunger of millions of people, global warming, deforestation, pollution, future deadly climate change -for the real story. The real news.

Too much news and reality for ya, America? Better divert your eyes, mind and ability to fight for what's right, as you usually do! Movies, video games, sports idolizing and other diversions of reality.... HERE WE COME! Come? Fuck it, we're here already here and have been for so long that generations of people have been brainwashed into thinking it is normal.

And what's the big deal about Obama meeting up with the Dalai Lama. The government is worried about what Beijing, China thinks? It's none of their fucking business. I don't care what kind of threat or concern they feel with the Dalai Lama meeting the U.S. president. The Dalai Lama, someone who teaches and understands what real peace is all about is absolutely to be thought of, highly -and their problem with him is absolute nonsense.

Even more importantly, so what if we owe Beijing, China a trillion dollars? China's corporations owe us the lives they've taken with their shitty products. In my opinion, they should get down on their knees and apologize for sending/selling the U.S. countless poisoned bags of pet food, lead-laden children's toy trinkets, recent poorly produced lethal cars and and more. Fuck you, government and corporations of China! Go take a hot lead and melamine bath! Before you do, be sure to ask the American media to join you!

Thank you and have a rip-dandy day! :)

Rat-Quick Bush Dodges Shoes

CLIP OF SOON TO BE EX-PREZ GEORGE W. GETTING BOOTS THROWN AT HIM

Oh man.... if only one of them had at least made contact. Oh well, we can dream, can't we?

My Fond Pictorial Tribute To George Bush: Heartless Imbecile Extraordinaire

Because I don't mind showing how much I truly care.

I added a few pics of Cheney, too. Thought he should be honored, as well.

Click the pics for bigger images.

Bush Is Doing As Much Wrong As He Can Before Leaving Office

The Bush Administration is putting forth regulations that will allow animals and plants, in real danger of becoming completely extinct, to lose the protection of government experts. They want to do this before president-elect Obama is in the White House. They believe Obama will try to change what they have done.

Check out the rest of this story.

USA Soon To Be Third World Nation

US President Bush got together with the financial leaders (IMF) of the world today. It has been said they met to make "bold moves" in combating the credit/investments/banking crisis that is crippling the US economy and beginning to takes it's toll on the rest of the world's global economy.

Bush more or less said his administration was doing everything it could to stop what could be the next Great Depression.

For more on this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20081011/bs_nm/us_financial_imf

The old cliche "too little, too late" comes to mind. He has never shown much concern for the economy.

But to be fair, Dictator Bush has been busy the last eight years. Doing what, you ask? Well, here's the short list. (I might have gotten the order of things out of whack but not the facts.)

* Instead of sending the military to pursue Osama Bin Laden, the man responsible for the plan to destroy the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, he opts to make Saddam Hussein out to be the main villain and, in the end, Hussein is captured and later executed. Not that Saddam didn't deserve death, but hey, I thought Bin Laden was the asshole we were after.

* Bush sends people to Iraq to look for "weapons of mass destruction in Iraq". None are found.

* George W. Bush also defies the UN and decides to finish the war his dad, George H.W. Bush, started in Iraq when he president.


* After manipulating the outcome of votes for a second term, Bush is re-elected to the astonishment of the intelligent portion of the American public- Not to mention the rest of the world.


Note: Since March 2003, close to 4,200 US soldiers have died in Iraq. For more details and stats, go here:

http://www.antiwar.com/casualties/index.php.

Note: You may or may not be surprised to know how many soldiers have committed suicide as a result of repeated deployments to Iraq. You should look that up, too.

Continuing the list....

* Bush forces the Patriot Act down US citizens' throats, using fear tactics and propaganda as reasoning to spy on people in America.

* Bush says it is wrong for nations to torture wartime prisoners for information. Bush says it is okay for the US to torture wartime prisoners for information. What?

* Bush makes "war threats" to several other countries. Namely ones that are trying to make the same kind of weapons we have. We're allowed to do this. No one else, by his reasoning, is allowed.

On and on, the insanity continues.

I'm sure you could add more to this list but why bother. You get the picture. Hopefully.

And meanwhile, the US deepens it's trillion dollar debt, Wall Street starts crashing, people lose their homes and jobs and then the US becomes a 3rd World Nation.

How Do You Feel About Your Vote Being Uncounted?

If you plan on voting in the upcoming U.S. 2008 elections, you may want to be informed of the possiblity that your vote may not count. It has been shown that electronic voting machines are incredibly easy to manipulate.

After watching the movie, "Uncounted", I've decided that I will not be voting on one of these machines. Instead, I will be voting using the "paper method", if it is provided. I urge you to either rent this movie or see it on cable. It will change the way you think about the subject.

The following clips are from the movie, "Uncounted".





The 2nd clip concerns Clint Curtis, a computer programmer who was asked to develope software for electronic voting machines to change the election outcomes in the year 2000.




For more information on electronic voting, click this link.
http://www.blackboxvoting.org/

Gosh, I'm Sure Gonna Hate To See Him Leave