The Incident At St. Mary's

Uncle Martin, Aunt Liv and their nephew, Tyler were sitting in their pew at St. Mary's Church, with hands folded in prayer. The priest, Father Wilkem, asked the parishioners to offer prayers, wishes and thoughts to The Lord.

The only thing Uncle Martin could think of at the moment, with his hands folded, was the twenty-something year old blonde haired college girl, sitting directly across from him, with the short, tight, black skirt and size D-cup titties and perfectly round ass.

Aunt Liv closed her eyes and prayed for Oprah Winfrey. She REALLY loved Oprah and was blessing Oprah for all of her good, charitable deeds throughout life and for giving all of those tax deductible free cars to "random" folks in her audience. Liv was sad that Oprah's last show was several weeks ago and that she was moving on with other projects on her own network but Aunt Liv just knew that deep in her heart that the magical Oprah, Queen of Daytime Talk Shows, Woman of The Year, Fortune 500's Sweetheart of The Decade and gosh, The Best Actress The World Had Ever Set Eyes Upon would somehow make it. And really BE THERE for her and all of her faithful followers in upcoming shows on her new network. Gosh, that Oprah was a saint.

She just didn't understand why the Catholic Church wouldn't induct her in the Saints Hall of Fame. She shook her head. Someone thought they heard a marble rattling around.

Tyler, a junior in high school, wriggled uncomfortably next to his Aunt Liv and cut a slow, rumbling fart against the wood of his seat. "Amen," said Tyler, under his breath. Tyler smiled and looked across the pews and caught a glimpse of Cheryl, his classmate in English. He thought, What a babe!

Tyler began imagining several scenarios where he was banging Cheryl over the long fold out table at the school cafeteria. Everyone was staring at them. Some students were applauding. Before you could say, "Alakazam!", Tyler was pitching a sizable tent in his slacks.

Right after loosening his tie, trying to suck in a little more air for his brain, Tyler heard Father Wilkem ask his parishioners to please stand up. With his fantasy temporarily put on pause, Tyler and the rest stood up. A few more readings from the bible went by and then Communion Ceremony began.

Everyone formed two lines to go up to the Priest, before the altar, to receive the blessed body of Christ that was in the form of a very thin, white, unleavened piece of round bread. A wafer.

These wafers were actually quite tasty and much better than the way they are described. I used to eat 'em like cookies when I was in parochial school. They couldn't become Christ, though, until the priest waved his magical wand (not his penis) and did the incantations. Sure, they still looked like wafers after he was done saying, "Presto! Change-o!" or something like that but I tell ya what... they tasted just a wee little bit better when you knew you were eating an ancient carpenter from biblical times. Yessir! Oh, wait a minute... I'm in the middle of a story aren't I?

Moving onward...

Each parishioner slowly marched toward the priest, for the Communion Ceremony and said, "Amen" after the priest said his special words.

Note: The priest says his special words that require the secret password of AMEN so the parishioner may then receive the blessed, newly transformed wafer that looks basically the same as it did before the priest made his incantations to change it to bite sized, easily digestible pieces of Christ. I farted. Amen.

Still, moving onward...

When everyone began returning to their pews to sit down and quietly, devoutly place the wafers on their tongues to eat it or allow it to dissolve like a breath mint, the parishioners pretended like they were praying and thinking deep, holy thoughts and other good ideas. Even as Tyler received his magic wafer, even as he said his Amen in of front Father Wilkem, he was still thinking of plunging his meat sword deep into Cheryl's quivering cunt. Some of the church goers noticed Tyler was sporting wood but Tyler could care less as Father Wilkem placed the host wafer into Tyler's sweaty hands.

Suddenly, a dark haired man threw open the front doors of the church entrance. His name was Intenso.

Intenso stormed through the middle aisle of the church, determination on his face. Dressed entirely in a black cloak, Intenso raised his hand towards the buxom blonde that Uncle Martin had been having impure thoughts about less than twenty minutes ago.

Dana, the college girl that Uncle Martin had been ogling, began to squirm around. Soon, a slow, lingering moan escaped from her O-shaped mouth. Her temperature began to rise. Her pussy began lubricating, soaking her bright pink thong.

Dana stood up, abruptly and began tearing her clothes off. Heavy breasts were unleashed from her bra. Dana's fingers probed her cunt inside her thong. She ripped the rest of her clothing off and began spreading her thick, swollen piss flaps. Intenso slowly twisted his hand, an evil smile appeared on his face. Dana made a loud warbling sound come through her throat and out of her mouth.

Pussy juice gushed from Dana's cunt. Everyone in the parish church gasped, in shock and desire, as Dana fingered her clit with such blurring speed, that her eyes rolled to the back of her head. A banshee cry came out of the young woman's mouth as she spread her arms and legs. Intenso twisted his hand in the air the opposite direction. Now you could see Dana's clit, and cunt lips being pinched and fondled. Her nipples stood straight up, towards heaven, as Dana bent over backwards over the pew behind her.

Half of the parish was hard or wet from watching the spectacle.

Father Wilkem broke out into an award-winning prayer to The Lord.

Soon, Intenso turned his attention to the other female parishioners and began his routine of masterful telepathy and manipulation of genitals with them.

The parishioners moaned, allowing wave after wave of orgasm hit them. They all took off their clothes and their cries of pleasure, joy and intense emotions took them over. Pussy juice splattered on the floor. When some of the men saw this, they could control their lust no more. They instantly dropped their trousers and furiously wanked off, spurting streams of thick jism all across the church pews. An old man was hit in the eye with one blob of sperm and he fell, crashing his head into the small table in the middle of the aisle. The elderly gentleman's head was split open on the collection plate on the table. Blood soon ran everywhere and dribbled off the table's sides.

Father Wilkem asked for guidance from The Lord as he stroked his penis, uncontrollably.

Sister Bethany fell to her knees and screamed, suffering and enjoying waves after soul-enlightening waves of orgasms ripple throughout her body and hit her deep into her G-spot. Sister Bethany's nipples felt tingly, like they were almost on fire. A puddle of her pussy juice formed around her. There was enough there to baptize an infant, if one so desired.

Many of the parishioners were squirming and thrashing about. Various spots and puddles of human ejaculation and vaginal secretions were causing severe safety hazards during this unique Sunday church service. People began slipping and falling. A man in his mid thirties fell and cracked his head wide open on the top headboard of the old wooden pew. Blood soon gushed out of his forehead where there was a messy gash. Other people fell, as a result of slippage, often while moaning during the ecstasy and struggle of constant orgasms.

Intenso quickly whirled his arm around. The Master of Orgasms stood in the middle of church. Naked bodies writhed on the floor. Penises spurted heavy loads. Balls drained and filled up, magically, once again. Snatches dribbled and gushed their wetness. One man dipped his holy wafer into a small puddle of pussy juice, soaking it until is was soggy. He then gave thanks to The Lord, ate it and promptly rammed his penis into Sister Bethany's backdoor, her holy stink eye, if you will.

Her mouth made a funny noise right then.

While Tyler was jerking off, he contemplated the sound Sister Bethany emitted and thought it sounded like, "Moooo."

Some of the parishioners had tortured looks on their faces. Some expressed a mix of pain and pleasure. Either way, Intenso was satisfied. The man in the black cloak threw his head back and laughed, heartily.

And then, before you could say, "Hit me with your best money shot", Intenso left the church. A few minutes lurched by as the church goers' fever of seemingly unending lust finally subsided. They looked at each other, embarrassed and commenced to putting their tattered, wet clothes back on their trembling bodies. Many of the parishioners had passed out. A few died of cardiac arrest and stroke. Others were helping incapacitated others with their clothes.

Dizzy and feeling quite used up, the parishioners stumbled and lurched out of the entrance of the church. A few of them fell down the stone stairs, from a major lack of bodily fluids and low blood sugar. Some men were in pain due to severe semen drainage from their balls. They were light-headed, speaking in an unthinking, mumbling sort of way. The women stared, straight forward, zombie-like. Some of them, as well, tripped down the stairs. Leaves from the nearby trees were blown against their bare, sticky legs and stuck snugly to their slick flesh of their thighs and calves.

Passerby saw the people tumbling down the steps. A few ran to help them up and take them to the hospital or aid them in another positive way. Some only stopped to take pictures with their cell phones. Tyler smiled. He had just fucked Cheryl in the ass, while pinching her nipples over a church pew. Going to church wasn't as bad as he thought it was going to be.

What started out as a normal, uneventful church service turned into quite an unforgettable day for the parishioners of St. Mary's Church.

Shat The Snowwombat

Before you is a tale of enchantment, whimsy, hope, love and a gathering of woodland creatures, geared towards making you feel all warm and juicy inside. Feel the wonder! Delight in the magic! Behold the bliss-inducing imagery and joy that will surely fill your heart!

Gosh!

when Shat The Snowwombat came upon a gathering of animals. The animals looked at Shat with shock because he was made almost entirely of snow, yet his penis was made of wood. Well... that and he appeared to be more than a bit handicapped looking to the critters of the forest. The woodland wildlife quickly noticed he was shuffling along the snowy grounds with a walking stick in his grip. Shat had been badly injured during an ice hockey game years before and, as a result, found it difficult to get about. This day was the first time he had been out of his snowwombat home in years, braving the adventure of the wilderness. For Shat, this was an act of personal triumph.

But that personal triumph didn't matter to the deer, the squirrels or the rest of the animals. They all laughed at poor Shat. Shat asked the animals, "Why are all of you laughing at me?" The animals shook their heads and began laughing considerably louder. One of the deer turned his gaze away from Shat, in disgust, as if he were an abomination.

The squirrel suddenly shouted, "You're a freak! That's why we're laughing at you!"

Shat's wooden penis pointed downward. When this happened, you could tell he was sad. :(

A fox by the name of Rascal suddenly ran up behind the snowwombat and placed a human's discarded drink container on top of Shat's head. Then he ran back to the mob of animals and joined in their relentless mocking of the creature made of snow.

Rascal the fox exclaimed, "Look everyone! It's King Weirdo and he's wearing his crown!"

Shat cried at the taunting and laughing beasts that began to surround him. This constant mocking of the animals, because he was different, caused Shat to become so depressed, his wooden penis slipped away from between his legs and fell off into the snow. The animals poked and prodded him until he turned around and started the long journey back home.

Before Shat could shuffle across the road into the other side of the forest, a vehicle full of humans came by. Shat called out to them and said, "Please give me a lift. I am afraid I will not make it back to my home before I expire."

The humans were a little afraid of the snowwombat at first. They couldn't believe this "thing" was moving toward them. In fact, Shelly, the attractive blonde in the passenger seat of the car, pissed her panties, in fright. The husband, Jack, asked Shelly, "What the hell is that?" The baby in the back seat began wailing. Shelly said, "I don't know and I don't care. I just want to get the hell out of here. That thing is freakin' me the hell out."

Jack and Shelly had been married only five years and had produced five kids in that space of time. The baby in the back seat was the latest addition. Their other kids were dropped off at one of their parent's houses where the kids would besiege and harass the suffering grandparents all day long. This was a strange and cruel custom practiced by humans quite frequently. Adult humans would often take advantage of their parents by asking them to babysit their offspring for them, promising to be back in a few hours, while they went off to a land far, far away for a bit of serenity or to a hotel to fuck and create more rugrats for the suffering grandparents to take care of in the future. The parents wouldn't be back to retrieve their youngsters until the next day or the next month.

This is how Shelly looked before she had kids.

Humans were very proficient at creating more and more offspring, regardless of the consequences. With that said, even Jack and Shelly agreed this last addition to the family was enough, finally.

After the last baby was pushed out of Shelly's well worn vagina, Jack was thoughtful enough to go down to the hospital gift shop to buy Shelly a lovely card and a festive, colorful balloon that said CONGRATS in big bold lettering. Shelly was overwhelmed when the proud poppa kissed her on the cheek and gave her the gifts.

And this was the card.

Now, curiosity had gotten the best of Jack and he decided to get out of the car to see what the unfamiliar creature was. Shelly begged him to stop and to get back into the car. Jack waved Shelly's concern away and walked toward Shat the snowwombat. Shat was only a few feet away from Jack when he said, "Don't be afraid. Just because I look different from others doesn't mean I will harm you."

Jack's jaw went slack. He was frozen in place and found it difficult to understand that this thing of snow could speak. He wondered, Am I having an acid flashback?

Then Shat, in his attempt to quell Jack's shock and fear, told Jack a joke.

Shat said, "An Alpaca went into a bar, ya see, and as it was sitting on the stool the Pope comes in and sits down at the bar counter beside him. The Alpaca turns his head and says to the Roman Catholic Holy Father, 'Hey, what's that place called- that you hang out at?' The Pope answers, 'That would be the Vatican, my son.' The Alpaca inquired, after smirking, 'Is that the Vatican or the Vati-can't?' Then the Alpaca rears his head back and laughs. The bartender shakes his head at the lame joke. Furious, the Pope jumps down off his bar stool and punches the Alpaca in the face, knocking him out and then proceeds to fuck it hard in the ass until the animal bleeds to death on the bar room floor."

After hearing the joke, Jack becomes enraged and exclaims, "You bastard! I'm Catholic and I know for a fact the Pope couldn't have fucked the Alpaca in the ass and made it bleed to death! The Pope's penis is only two and one quarter inches in length and I oughta know. I've made several booty calls to the Vatican in my day and have sucked The Holy Father's all powerful and almighty blessed skin flute in many a night."

Shat wasn't sure what to say. It seemed his attempt to "break the ice" with the human somehow failed and that the man was acting irrationally. Jack glared at the snowwombat and accused him by saying, "Only a demonic being would make such jokes at the Pope's expense."

Jack walked toward Shat, intent on destroying him.

Suddenly, Shat's fairy godmother appeared from nowhere and stopped time. Both Shat and the magical woman were in a dark place, quiet and free of turmoil.

"My name is Labia Minora and I am your fairy godmother," the wondrous woman stated.

Shat said, "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever beheld in my gaze."

The fairy godmother said, "I know. I get that a lot." Which she followed with a little giggle.

"Now, Shat, I've noticed you've been having a bit of difficulty trying to bond with the woodland creatures and the humans," said Labia Minora, quite exuberantly. She asked, "If there were anything you would wish for, what would that be, my dear one?"

Shat thought about it for a moment and told her what that one wish would be.

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After the magical meeting with his fairy godmother had ended, Shat found himself in the exact spot that he had initially met her.

Now Jack and the rest of the beasties of the forest converged upon Shat, ready to tear him apart because he was different and things that he had said.

Pleadingly, Shat the snowwombat cried out, "Please, stay away from me!"

They cared not for Shat's cries of anguish and instead, seemed even more eager to pounce upon him.

With a wave of his walking stick, Shat warned, "I told you to keep at bay!"

Suddenly, a blue mystical bolt flew out the end of Shat's walking stick. This resulted in Jack being turned into a human icicle, buried inside the frozen ground to his chest. The animals were astonished. Shelly grabbed her baby and ran out toward her frozen husband.

Standing next to her thoughtful husband and seeing what Shat had done, Shelly looked at the snowwombat and said, "I'm going to kill you, you freaky little monster."

Shat, frightened, waved his magic stick wand again and turned Shelly into a Snickers candy-loving monster.

The baby was dropped to it's feet as the mother roared like a ferocious jungle beast and ran off towards town, in search of the particular candy made by Mars, Incorporated.

Angry at what Shat had turned his mother into and, more importantly, the fact that he wanted to get some titty milk and she had left with her tits, the baby let out a growl and ran on his little hands and knees, menacingly, toward Shat.

Shat waved his wand again, turning the baby into an odd human/unicorn/clown hybrid and transported him to a carnival sideshow.

Turning toward the angry mob of wilderness animals, Shat waved his wand many more times, causing as much chaos and abominations to appear as he felt the pain in his heart and soul.

The animal who first threw hurtful insult at him, the squirrel, was abruptly frozen, completely and transported to a far away city to lay on top of a cigarette butt waste can like a gruesome decoration.

One of the deer that had mocked him earlier felt a sudden cold draft around his rear end. When he looked back, he found that his butt had been sliced off and his blood and guts were pumping out onto the snow covered ground. Then the deer dropped dead. Where was his butt? Shat had magically transported it to the outside wall of a human's house. The deer's butt hole was turned into a doorbell.

When Shat was finished working his wonders with his magic wand, the snowwombat felt an overwhelming joy fill his heart. Happy with himself once again, Shat shuffled his way back home and turned the cave in which he had lived, into a beautiful fairy land type of castle.

And this, my friends, is where our enchanting story comes to an inspiring close.

How Santa's Reindeer Are Able To Fly

Many people have asked me how this can be, that reindeer are able to leave the ground and take to the air. Hopefully, after this post, you will come to understand how this is possible. Read on, my gentle readers.

Throughout history there has been much speculation on this amazing phenomena. Many historians and zoologists point to the early years of Santa's role as Father Christmas. During these harsh and formidable years as a major holiday figure, Santa seemed to relish the fact that he had been imposed with certain magical abilities by elves and was drunk with power, thus ruling with a mighty mittened thumb.

Ancient texts, found recently by archaeologists, describe numerous tales of Santa forcing his beloved reindeer to endure nights of severe whippings with the lash and brutal sessions of anal sex, or "fudgepacking", if you will, before the much anticipated eve of Christmas. He often discussed these special training techniques with his fellow brethren, the elves.

In a previously undisclosed piece of antique manuscript, Santa is quoted as saying, "I encourage these retched, foul smelling beasts to pull my colossal, bulging sack of toys and my own fat, sagging ass on a sleigh with nightly scheduled thrashings. When this part of their training has concluded, I instill in them the deep desire to take flight by ruthlessly humping them in their asses until bleeding commences."

More than a few elves would stare blankly at the jolly old fat man, in horror and disbelief, after being told of his unusual procedures. According to the same aged text, one elf among the crowd, was quoted, inquiring, "But isn't this rather harsh?"

Santa lifted his cumbersome belly, let out a jovial laugh and then pointed to the elf and exclaimed, "It's either them or you fuckers!"

The video clip below explains, partially, how Santa Claus' enslaved caribou are able to fly... and fly so high, as well. Watch the video clip to learn more.

Strange Spanish Festivals

I've listed here a few of the strange Spanish festivals that go on throughout the year. Eh, don't try any of this at home... Really.

Goat Tossing Festival

The local people of the small town of Manganeses de la Polvorosa get together every year on the fourth Sunday in January. To do what? Why to toss goats, of course. The Goat Tossing Festival, in honor of St. Vincent de Paul, has been around so long, no one knows for sure when it started. The festival involves a young man who makes it his mission to find a goat in the village, tie it up and take it to the top of the local church belfry. From there, he tosses the goat over the side where it falls fifty feet to be caught by villagers holding up a sheet of tarpaulin. At least, they're supposed to catch it. I wonder how many times there was an oopsie during the big throw. Even though village officials have banned the event, it continues, anyway. Animal rights agencies complain but their complaints are ignored.

Bonfires of Saint John

Held on the 19th to the 24th of June, this is a popular festival in Spain that involves the lighting of bonfires. While villagers drink hot chocolate, the children take turns running through the bonfires. Weeee. "Hey mom, look! No hands! No legs, either! I fell into the fucking festival fire and now I'm a smoking, burnt stump of crispy flesh. Thanks for insisting I play in your strange and dangerous traditions, mom." No word yet if the children get to drink hot chocolate after offering their "well done but still pink on the inside" bodies for the amusement of the town folk.

The whole week is taken up with festivities that include fireworks displays and contests. Throughout the week, eighty-six women and eighty-six young girls are elected to be the "Beauties" of the bonfires. The beauties then preside over the festival as queens. Fortunately for the queens, they do not have to engage in fire running or acid drinking.

El Colacho

El Colacho (meaning -baby jumping) is a festival held every year on the feast of Corpus Christi. It involves the laying on mattresses all babies born in the previous twelve months. And then, things get even more fucked up when the adult men of the village of Castrillo de Murcia dress up as devils and take turns jumping over babies. Often resulting in injuries (thankfully, it's usually the adults who get hurt) it is believed that the jumping rids the babies of original sin. It also rids them of having a normal functioning brain when a knee cap slams into their soft spot. Pope Benedict XVI has asked the local priests to distance themselves from the festival because it is dangerous and contrary to the Catholic religion. Hmmm... You think? The Catholic religion has enough problems with the priests molesting kids these days.

La Tomatina

Again, another religious festival, this one is held on the last Wednesday of every August in the town of Bunol. Nine thousand locals to twenty to forty thousand foreigners go to the town to throw tomatoes at each other in honor of the Virgin Mary and St. Louis Bertrand. The festivities begin with an idiot attempting to climb up a tall greased pole to collect a cooked ham. Once the ham is taken down from the pole, water cannons are fired at the participants. To make things even more fun and bizarre, over a hundred tons of tomatoes are dumped into the streets for throwing. Women are expected to wear white and men are expected to go shirtless. You would think the women would go shirtless, also. Might as well. Anyone caught wearing a shirt inevitably has it ripped off, including women. Tourists tend to be the main target of the locals. Oh boy, now I want to go over to Bunol and join the fun. Nothing beats having your body pounded to a pulp with hundreds of tomatoes and having that acidic tomato juice splattered in your eyes for pure burning dissatisfaction.

This all just goes to show what bizarre lengths people will go to, to appease their gods and make fools of themselves for their religious beliefs. No matter who gets injured or killed in these festivals, the important thing is, is that they praised their saints and God the most freakish way imaginable. I've described only a few of these events going on throughout the year. There are plenty more where they came from (Spain). Needless to say, I have zero desire to go there. There are enough insane people here in the United States to contend with.