Christmas Checklist

It's a good idea to have a handy check list made out around this busy time of year. I learned that a list will help you keep organized and right on schedule.

Here's a few things I have on my to do list:

If you would like to make your own Christmas To Do List or any kind of list, click here. 

Great Affordable Christmas Gifts

I don't know if you've noticed or not but we're currently living and struggling in a recession. Well, at least 98% of us are. The other 2%, the Über-wealthy (those being careful not to be in direct contact with we, the peasantry) among us believe we are no longer in a recession... but they can go fuck their self-delusional selves, of course. Is this class envy, some of you may suspect? Nope. Just simple, clear minded observation of today's reality. Join me for a tiny taste of reasoning, won't you?

Anyway, I digress...

I have put just a whole lot of thought and consideration of the current holiday and over commercialized gift giving season and have come up with some delightful gifts that are simple to make or find for both friends or family. You can bet your sweet bippy that they'll enjoy these special presents for many years to come. And best of all, none of these items will ever go out of style.

Without further ado:

BAG

This simple item can be used to put your stuff in and is especially affordable during these hard times. Think of all the fun you can have with BAG and be sure to note the look of wonder and glee in your child's eyes once they open their gift box and see BAG for themselves. One of the most impressive qualities this item has is it's ability to be taken almost anywhere... except at the airport, where your courteous airport security personnel will happily treat you like a terrorist and give you a deep cavity search just for attempting to carry your average supermarket BAG on a plane. BAG can also be handy as a container for used facial or toilet tissue.

Other uses with BAG include but are not exclusive to: placing over an insidiously ugly citizen's face, placing over one's shoes so the individual can not only keep their footwear clean and dry but they can slip, fall and break their fucking neck and last, but certainly not least, BAG can handily function as a way for suffocating an insufferable, irritating douche bag any time of the year.

TURD

This particular item can be home made by eating enough food and being able to push it out of one's butt hole. It's the kind of gift that shows to loved ones, friends and family that you truly care because it is so personal. What's more, TURD may be used in conjunction with BAG so instead of the recipient getting only one gift under the Christmas tree this holiday season, they may receive two at one time. What a delightful bonus! If you should not want to go through the effort of producing TURD yourself, due to either constipation or pure laziness (as in "I don't give a shit"), feel free to go to your neighborhood park or back yard to find a fresh or not-so-fresh cat, dog, deer, fox or Sasquatch TURD.

What co worker, friend or family member wouldn't be instilled with feelings of endearment and joy this holiday season by finding this special stocking stuffer? Special considerate additions to TURD could be: incompletely digested corn, blood, a bit of hemorrhoid or a dollop of whipped cream on top. Go ahead! Make TURD special this Christmas!

ARTWORK

This gift has a multitude of possibilities and as a bonus, it serves as a way to express yourself, creatively, whether it's handmade and or something you bought cheaply from a very starving artist or took from an orphan child while it cried. ARTWORK can be something drawn on a piece of paper. Such as: A smiley-faced stick figure. Or... A peace sign. Or... A child's handmade drawing of his or her family soaked with well spent tears after you robbed them of it.

ARTWORK need not be categorized as something only painted, drawn or tattooed above one's buttocks. Indeed, ARTWORK can be something made or used out of any one of the following: clay, Popsicle sticks, paper mache, aluminum foil, wood (careful with that knife), hardened mucous "boogers" and of course, the ol' tried and true, TURD. You may want to use gloves with that last one. With 'boogers" there's no real need because you can simply lick your fingers after you're done. No mess, no fuss.

GLASS JAR

Some may argue that this invaluable present is a bit too much like BAG and that I may be repeating myself in some fashion but I disagree. GLASS JAR is a much sturdier gift and is much more efficient for holding liquids and jelly-like substances. No real chance for leakage, especially if you have the lid screwed on nice and tight. Well, now that I've said those two words, I have a substantial boner. Who would have thought? GLASS JAR can be also used for quickly flinging into a continuously disagreeable individual's face. You know, that special someone who delights in disagreeing with you on every single goddamn thing that you say just for the fucking sake of disagreeing with you.

But I digress...

Additionally, GLASS JAR can be used for containing homemade jellies and jams, moonshine, pee, a fart or two (however many you can fit in) or an imaginary sum of cash. For that last suggestion, I suggest you print the cash value of the imaginary amount of cash that is supposedly in GLASS JAR and tape it firmly on the side of GLASS JAR. Otherwise, this unique gift just won't have as much meaning and the recipient will not be able to appreciate the real value of his or her gift and will therefore be somewhat displeased.

Well, that's all I can or care to think of at the moment. I hope I've enhanced your holiday and gift giving experiences with these festive ideas. If you wish, you may thank me for these helpful suggestions by leaving a thoughtful comment in my comment box. In conclusion, I wish all of my readers (all three of them) a very merry, joy-filled, awkward family gathering Christmas this year.

Seasons Greetings, everyone!

I Picked A Booger

Not to worry, folks. It was my very own. Fresh and hand-picked. I told my wife about picking this little green gem while we were watching "Dancing With The Stars". Yeah, I know. That fucking show. Just so all of you know, I'm being forced against my will to watch that god-awful piece of monkey shit that's chock full of either no talent, has-been celebrities or athletes who could bore the fuck out of a drooling retard whose only entertainment in life comes when she's eating a dead fly on the window sill of a sanitarium.

I did like Buzz Aldrin, though. Was that his name? Hell, I don't know. Fuzzy condition and all. I just know he was one of the original astronauts that went to the moon. I think I watched it on TV when I was a kid. At least, I think it was the moon.

But getting back to what's really important here. I picked a booger. And it was a perfectly proportioned booger that was green at the base but had a bit of yellowish pudding like substance on top. Now what I did with this nose trophy was truly most excellent.

I put it in a Kleenex tissue, twisted the tissue until it formed a white missile with, of course, the booger bulge (where the booger was resting comfortably and snug as a bug in a rug) was precisely at the top of this missile. Ready for liftoff, I threw my booger missile towards the trash can. Misfortune laid a hand upon me when my booger missile fell short of my intended target.

"What's that?", asked my wife.

I replied, quite triumphantly, I constructed a booger missile. Isn't it magnificent?

She said, "Ewww."

My wife got me back, however, for making her mildly nauseous. She suddenly stuck her tongue out and wiggled it. Normally, this would get me "in the mood", but then, I noticed a little bump on the end of it. Curiosity persuaded me to ask, "Is that a booger?"

She shook her head NO and finally said, "No, I ripped a piece of someone's foreskin from their cock." I thought, How nice. I smiled a bit and then quickly gave her my look. She laughed at the fake shocked look on my face and told me that it was actually a sore from biting her tongue by accident -which hurts like a motherfucker and usually happens when you're hungry as fuck and you go to take a big bite out of something and chomp on your freaking tongue, resulting in you having a big bloody wad of food in your mouth.

Fucking sucks, man.

Anyway, I hope you can use this important information so you can use your own boogers in such a fashion that you can help save the trees, the whales, the coral reefs and the ozone layer. This has been a public service announcement. Thank you and good night.

Halloween Memories--Come and Share The Love

I went up to my dad's house to help him pass out candy to all the lil' buggers during Halloween a few nights ago. My sister, hubby and kids joined us and participated. My niece pretty much took care of the candy bowl the whole night. At one point, the bowl of candy was empty. My niece became worried that we were out. I told her she should pick her nose and offer her boogers as delectable treats, instead. She frowned at that suggestion.

When I was a kid, I had, at different times of Halloween, dressed up as a robot, a ghost, Batman, a vampire and other things. During drunken Halloween parties, years later, I dressed up as a Jamaican man, a genie, a woman, a priest and I forget what else. I've been neglectful on the upkeep of my brain cells.

My first costume, a ghost, was a bad mistake.

It was my first trick-or-treating experience as a wee lad. I was nervous. I had never gone up to a total stranger's door and ask for candy. Nowadays, I would do it with a song in my heart and a lump in my pants. My sweet Auntie Kay, about four years older than I, grabbed my hand and took me on a walking tour of various neighborhoods. She was in a hurry, too. I could tell by the way she dragged me along the sidewalks at a speed that would make a cheetah envious. I don't think she liked the idea of being saddled down with a kid to look after the whole night. Heh heh. Oh well.

Anyhoo, the goddamn ghost bed sheet caused me to have all manner of fits. For one thing, I couldn't see out of it. The goddamn eye holes weren't big enough and were in the wrong place for me to see. Secondly, the sheet was too long. I must have stumbled, because of it, a gazillion times. And I don't know how many occurrences there were of me tripping and falling on some ass hole's overly steep concrete steps.

Damn those concrete steps! Damn them all!

One of the last times I dressed up for Halloween, I went as a priest to another drunken Halloween party. For added kicks, I had a dildo hanging out, over my nether regions, with my costume. Some were shocked. Others, appalled. It was apparent I made some folks uncomfortable. They would give me those "I'm disgusted" glares. Certain females laughed and pointed. I hid my shame by stroking my apparatus and making flirtatious remarks.

Was that okay?

My friend's overly goody-goody christian sisters were there, scowling at me. My shame caused me to take another swallow of beer and think of the different ways I would have enjoyed putting them over my lap and giving them a good once over.

Ah.... memories.