An Arcturian's Evaluation

Uxetar beamed aboard on his Arcturian space vessel.  He would miss some of the friends he had made on Earth, during his 142nd year old study of the inhabitants on the blue planet, below, but he missed the serenity of his own home and his Arcturian companions.  After 142 Earth years of observation of the human species, Uxetar had suddenly materialized on the transport platform, realizing what he would miss most about the human contactees he had associated himself with and what he wouldn't miss. His feelings, statistics and observations were all in his report.

Another Arcturian appeared before him.  Ogaim was another fellow Arcturian.  He was a bit smaller than Uxetar and his skin was more of a greenish hue in color.  Uxetar, realizing he was still in human form, morphed into his natural form and more closely resembled the appearance of an Arcturian.  Ogaim welcomed him to step closer to the holographic image of Earth which was positioned in the middle of the science room of the space vessel.  Ogaim was acutely interested in what Uxetar was about to present to him and hear his evaluation.

Before Uxetar could begin to go over his evaluation, Ogaim looked at the live image of Earth and calmly stated, "Look. Another war on Earth."

Uxetar said, "Most likely the end result of a group of people saying something perceived as being negative towards another group of people and their god or idea during the present era."

Ogaim replied, "Or the violence could be over natural resources or a cover for the real reason to make war with another nation."

"With this planet's inhabitants, you can never tell for sure until you read the minds of the handlers who hold the power and hoard the money for their own agendas," explained Uxetar.

Uxetar continued, "Most of the species do not engage in violent action every day.  Some of them, during different intervals of their lifetimes engage, by word or actions, positive notions, expressions of themselves and activities.  They do this by helping the less fortunate by sheltering or feeding them.  Holding a person's hand to comfort them.  Showing signs of concern for animals and caring for them.  I could go on.  But this is all in my evaluation, as you will read."

"I really like the humans who are artistic and have a sense of humor, as well," Uxetar pointed out.  He showed Ogaim, the senior scientist on the Arcturian space vessel, a video clip.  Uxetar said, "Take this dance routine, for example.  It combines both elements of human artistic expression.  Uxetar giggled, aloud, at Ogaim's facial expressions as they watched the video.

This is what Uxetar showed Ogaim:



Uxetar patted his fellow Arcturian on the back and said, "Sometimes their odd and humorous antics can have you overlooking their grievous flaws.  Their sense of humor and other genuinely sensitive attributes benefit one another, greatly."

Ogaim looked over at Uxetar and said, "Well, their forms of entertainment and levity have changed, quite substantially, since I was last dwelling with them nearly 400 earth years ago for my own study period.  That much is certain."

Uxetar leaned over to the right and cut a long, sputtering fart.  Afterwards, he stared at Ogaim and smiled.

Ogaim said, "But that form of entertainment and amusement isn't new."

Grinning for a bit, Ogaim once again regained his serious composure.

He asked Uxetar, "Now tell me about their negative aspects and actions."

Uxetar folded his three fingered hands and glanced down at his report on the table.

With a look of solemn discernment on his face, Uxetar explained, "The more generally violent types of humans might use weapons of mass destruction, in the near future, in the name of their religion or their lack of resources and/or their ideology. Also, large groups of people in a nation have been told lies, repeatedly, as well, until the lies are believed by the majority under the cover of a patriotic redundant chant and thought.  Instead of doing their own thinking and giving themselves a reality check, so to speak, they will do the bidding of the great money and power holders of the world and go to war with a militarily weaker country.

Many people over many of the wars fought during my 142 years of observation there have died for incomprehensible reasons that have never really been revealed to those who fight or rally behind the fighters until a small time has passed or after they have died and been forgotten.

The money and power holders and behind the scenes corrupters "pull the strings" of many majorities on Earth, so to speak.  Meanwhile, there are those who know the truth and are content with distracting themselves with being a part of a rigid system of laws, some of which, lack sense, and acceptable rules of behaviors they have placed upon themselves, their obsessions with their workplace, their idle entertainments, their electronic gadgets and more.  Then you have those that absolutely don't care what is happening to them or their loved ones.  Still, there are few who know the reality of their mass group situation and attempt to cause a positive outcome so all will benefit.  And then you have a few Earth inhabitants who don't know their assholes from table lamps."

Ogaim looked at his friend, Uxetar and said, "One can tell you've spent a considerable amount of time on Earth, Uxetar.  Your unique expressions give you away."

Ogaim smiled.  Uxetar shrugged, smiled and then said, 'Shit happens when you spend so much time in one place."

Uxetar continued by saying, "One of their greatest, widely ignored threats, however, is global warming and climate change.  Those who have control of the upper echolons of status, which is fueled by power and money, ultimately persuade or threaten those would could easily tell the truth of their situation and move in a positive direction, away from fossil fuel dependence and other pollutants that damage the Earth's atmosphere and create chaos with the weather patterns.  They are experiencing, as I'm sure you're well aware from our space vessel's scanner and computers, volatility and more extremities in their weather during the last one hundred years."

Ogaim said, "Yes, it is extremely noticeable to me and most likely to anyone living down on Earth."

Uxetar shook his head and replied, "Yet they still choose to engage in ignorant behavior with these wars, their destructive polluting of the air they and their children breathe and the greed which induces them to erratic, damaging actions."

Ogaim stated, simply, "Uncommon self destructive behavior for such a species that has advanced technologically, throughout the centuries, with their level of intelligence."

Uxetar replied, "But not uncommon for those who possess such intelligence yet are not emotionally advanced enough to balance their technology."

"Still," Uxetar claimed, "They may unite one day when they are on the brink of extinction.  We've seen it many times before with other inhabitants on an alien planet.  Whether they are too late to undo the damage, change course and seriously rethink their goals and agendas remains to be seen."

Ogaim quietly replied, "One hopes they will realize what is important in their lives and unite for their own well being and divert extinction."

Ogaim reminded himself that it was against their Arcturian nature to directly change the course of another planet's inhabitants.  Humans would have to learn, adapt and change on their own.  In time, the Humans might embrace peace, instead of war and work together to conquer their worldwide ills.  Both Ogaim and Uxetar still held a small amount of hope for this to occur.

Uxetar thought of all the accumalitive friends he had made on Earth, during his 142 Earth years there with them, remembering their thoughtful gestures, wise words, love, good humor and nodded, in remembrance and in agreement with what Ogaim had just said.  The Arcturian wished them well and gave Ogaim the entire evaluation.

How To Make Towel Animals

Here's a video that takes you through the steps of making six different towel animals.  My blog pal, Dixie, wanted to know how to do it (in the comment section of my last blog post) and by golly, I'm here to please.

You can do what you want to the towel animal after you're finished, of course.  Be creative!  Enjoy.  Have a messy good time, if you so desire!

So, without further ado, here is the video:

Hawaiian Adventure: Entertainment, Excursion and Examples of Bad Behavior

If you wish to read the first installment of this series, regarding our trip to Hawaii, click here.  If you wish to read the second installment, click here.  If you've already read both of them, you are a good citizen, worthy of food and drink and mild entertainment.  If you didn't read either, I'm sorry but you'll be going to hell, where you'll be stabbed, repeatedly, in the genitals.  Good day!

There was plenty of entertainment aboard our cruise ship, Pride of America.  I think, on this cruise ship/island adventure, compared to our other one, two years ago, we saw more stage shows.  I enjoyed them, honestly, except for the fact that my wife, who I dearly love, insisted that we sit in either the first or second rows of the theater to "get a better view."

Now the problem with sitting in the first couple of rows during these stage shows is that you are risking getting picked out to participate in some of the entertainment provided.  You could find yourself involved, such as I witnessed of other passengers, in part of a comedian's act where he or she makes you look like an endearing dumbass, of sorts, or you could get almost literally pulled in, off your seat, by some muscular male Hawaiian dancers to dance with them or the Hula girls, on the stage, in front of hundreds of strangers who were delighted and relieved to be sitting away from the front of the stage.  Being a shy and modest guy, I didn't want to participate and at almost every show, there would always be a performer wanting me to participate.  I would always wave them away or kick the air towards them, saying "NO!  NO!  NO!", but they would persist.  I guess I just looked like that type of guy who would be great living material for their act.  A natural fool who would cause the audience to laugh until they pissed themselves silly.

Notice that they are sticking their tongues out.  One of the narrators and dancers said this was the way ancient Hawaiian warriors greeted and welcomed each other back in those ancient days.  Either this is true or they're just showing contempt for the U.S. for taking over their land.  Nahhhhh. 

Holy buhjesus!  I do enough crazy stuff in front of friends at parties when I'm drunk enough.

Gratefully, they would take the hint, after several attempts to get me on the stage and coerce some other poor bastard to "join in the fun."  Hell, I came to be entertained, after all, goddammit.  Not be part of the entertainment.

The food on board the ship was pretty good at the buffet.  Some of it, however, was a weird mix of cultural food dishes.  I think they were sort of trying to please everyone that came from different countries around the world.  That meant you would see a Chinese/American/Russian combination or something else that was bizarre that you could stare at for hours and never quite make out what was in it, exactly.   We often went to the Aloha Cafe, which was a buffet where you could eat and eat until you puked- which I did- but it wasn't because I ate too much.  I'll explain:  When I eat too fast or I don't chew everything down into itsy bitsy molecules, I tend to easily get food stuck down my throat.  And then, embarrassingly enough in restaurants, my breathing ability ceases and my face turns blueish and I have to make a mad dash to the bathroom so I can stick my fingers down my throat to get the food out.  And no, more to drink to get the food down never works for me.  Believe me!  I've tried thousands of times.

In any case, one morning while we were eating breakfast at the buffet, I'm trying to quickly eat an omelet, to widen my throat a bit, in order to swallow my six different medications I take every morning.  Unfortunately, a chunk of ham gets caught in my throat.  My wife is away from the table, up at the buffet, somewhere.  Of course, I start my ol' "I can't fucking breathe" routine and I try to make it to the bathroom on this huge ship.  Remember: I'm halfway crippled because of the problems with my feet.  So, there I go, hobbling and desperately trying to make it to the bathroom with food kinda going up and the back down my throat while I sweat, profusely and turn blue.  When I finally make it to the bathroom, I find that it's locked and occupied and then I suddenly vomit, right on the spot.  I violently puke with my hands over my mouth, trying to keep the vomit from going to where it ended up- on the carpeted floor, in front of the bathroom.  Hooray!  Here's a picture.  Luckily, my camera was in my pocket.

Sadly, you cannot see any chunks of ham from my omelet.  Congrats to me for actually digesting some part of my breakfast.  Man, look at all the halfway digested eggs and cheese!

  

I wonder if that piggy is still alive or maybe just resting comfortably with an apple in his mouth.

We went to a luau on the island of Kuaui and that was entertaining.  Free booze, a train ride through the old sugar plantations, native Hawaiians making stuff to sell to tourists, Hula and fire dancers, lots of stage performances and an all you can eat buffet.  Check out the video, below.



I had five margaritas that night (they would make any kind of mixed drink you wanted) and my arm was getting kinda tired so you'll have to forgive the "shakiness" of the camera. This video is kinda long but it's entertaining.  The entire stage show was really long and absorbing, truthfully.  Very entertaining.  Especially when one of the fire dancers dropped his fire sticks a couple of times, which you'll get to see on this video.  I was hoping one of the guests would go up in flames but I don't think it happened.  I only captured the last eight minutes of the performance on camera. You may want to "full screen" the video to get a decent view.  Maybe not.  They are doing a play or story about a couple, in ancient Hawaiian days, who want to get hitched, so to speak, but the chieftain father of the bride to be doesn't want it to happen.  The end to this play/performance really made me believe I had ingested some magic mushrooms off the buffet, by mistake.

Hawaiian  artist dude carving out a wooden fish of some sorts.  I didn't bother him.  I was afraid he might use that pointy thing on my leg or nutsack.

We went to a lot of shops on all five of the islands we explored and bought a lot of souvenirs for friends, family and ourselves, of course.  I bought a tiki, for example, made out of milo wood, that represented a god that gave you strength, guidance and family protection.  I bought it and talked to the local artist and shop owners, most of which were native Hawaiians and they were very friendly.  We talked a lot about their crafts and the history of Hawaii.

I talked to the owner and artist of this gallery and shop on the island of Kona.  She wasn't a native Hawaiian but she was interesting and incredibly talented.  You can see more of her artwork below.

This is where I bought my tiki.

This is the wife and I, standing in front of a hundred year old tree, in Kona square.

Every day, the maids would come into your cabin, while you were gone and make different animals, just like the previous cruise ship we were on, Freedom of the Seas.  These animals, which to me, were works of art and made completely out of towels.  One day, you would see a lobster on your bed, the next day, perhaps a dog or a swan and so on.  Below, you'll see me celebrating the fine work these maids do in creating these masterpieces.

Humping a towel bunny and holding onto it's ears so it can't get away.  I think I "orgasmed."  Is that a word?

This is the Na Pali coast.  It is truly beautiful and has a mystical quality to it's landscape.  Beneath the picture, you'll find a video of our ship, passing by it.  There was a lot of wind that day- so you'll hear a lot of that.  This video is pretty short, too.

This is one of the last big events we experienced on our week long cruise.

We had a long layover at the Honolulu airport at the end of our Hawaiian experience.  This really didn't bother me.  They had plenty of things to look at, such as displays that contained Hawaiian history, various paintings, cool shops and more.  Naturally, I explored.

We had a great time during our Hawaiian adventure.  I hope you enjoyed this last installment of the series.  Aloha and mahalo, everyone!

An Interview With Myself (Part Two)

Yes, this is the long awaited, highly anticipated sequel masterpiece widely known as PART TWO of INTERVIEW WITH MYSELF.  Note, I did not just say I was playing with myself.  I know how you could be confused by that.  Especially if you were retarded. Besides, if I were doing that, I would not be able to type because it takes a big man like yours truly in order to fully pleasure himself with TWO BIG HANDS.  My own, of course.  Not the three hundred pound guy in the apartment below me.  His forearms looks like he has muscled up by doing a lot of "wanking the weenie" all day and all night.  No wonder I hear so much grunting and coughing below me.  I think the guy smokes a couple cigs after he's done sapping his milk duds, and plays Lynryd Skynrd's "Freebird" when he finishes.

After one particular session, I thought I heard him say "Ta-Da!"

Personally, I've never been able to tolerate Lynryd Slynrd that much, no matter how much I stroke the skin flute.

Ah, well.

Here's the second part of the interview with myself.  Enjoy!

Inquisitor Kelly: Why did you pick the name "Psycho Carnival" for the name of your blog?

Honest Kelly: It seemed like the most appropriate name.  Really, Psycho Carnival started out as an underground newspaper.  Underground newspapers were little newspapers or pamphlets that were regarded as subversive, anti-establishment type reading, in some circles.  Some of these were artsy fartsy and/or loaded with hand drawn cartoons. Some had radical views to a majority of people.  Some just wanted to voice an honest opinion on today's society.  That's were I come in.

Here are some copies of the old Psycho Carnival.  Sold 'em for 2 bucks a pop at a few bookstores. I didn't create them from scratch for profit- but to get my own ideas out there- across the country.  Which I did.  It was fun and I felt fulfilled.

Enlarge the image to see all the nooks, crannies and various goodness.  Appreciate the awesome handmade artwork-  completely computer-free design, as your own personal deity intended it to be.. or something.

Btw, I started my paper, Psycho Carnival, long before there was a band by the same name.  But I didn't have the zine, as they were often called, copyrighted and frankly, I didn't care that they came up with the same name- whether it came from me or their own minds.  Whatever. 

Underground newspapers got their start in the 60's and 70's but were still semi-popular in the 80's and 90's. 

I started writing, drawing and creating (stapling and pasting) my own underground newspaper (Psycho Carnival) in May 1996, using paper, pen, pencil and a word processor, several years before personal computers became widely popular.  Computers were just starting to become a household item when I started my paper- but since I wasn't trendy, rich and didn't want my underground newspaper all fancy shmancy like those other candy-ass papers were, like some were in the 90's, I did my own thing, like I always have done.

This blog is an extension of that underground newspaper.  I started the blog, late in the year of 2007. 

On the back of each issue of old Psycho Carnival newspaper or zines, as they were called, which I continued to author for three years, would be a poem I wrote.  It was one of many I have written in my lifetime.  Check it out below my joyful artwork!

I drew this and included it in a special edition of my underground newspaper.  It is a scene of my often appearing character, Jeepo the Clown, entertaining a guest.  Please enlarge to completely enjoy the gentle nuances of my delicate, merry artwork.  

Enlarge, in case your peepers have trouble reading the delightful poem.  The smoking monkey, by the way, is symbolic of humankind's follies and bad habits.

Inquisitor Kelly: Do you write other stories, besides what some would call "naughty" tales?

Honest Kelly: Yeah, I do write in other genres but for some odd reason, people get hung up on or notice the stories of sexual situations more.  I have written mega-loads (don't get too excited when I say that) of stories that are science fiction, drama, humor and so much more.  I guess it's more of that sexual repression type stuff that only goes on in the minds, for the most part, of the American public.  In Europe,  they don't have much of a problem with this.

I gotta add that I think we're a country full of hypocrites that have their concerns and priorities misplaced.  Violence is considered okay and often celebrated by our culture.  Going to war on a country whose people we don't know or care enough to understand is as accepted as easily as Mom's apple pie and baseball here.  But sex elicits raised eyebrows, angry rants, silence and shame, instead.  How backwards is that?  Violence is a flag we proudly fly.  I consider the act of violence a hell of a lot more disgusting than the act of making love to someone.  Blowing someone you don't know or understand to bits, either up close and personal or by a military drone- now that is SICK. 

To me and quite a few people, the sex act is an act that is funny, itself, really... so I often add humor along with it.  The thought of two or three or a mob of people grunting and groaning and putting themselves in all sorts of positions to get their rocks off paints a silly scenario in my mind.  Don't get me wrong!  Sex can be romantic- but often times, it includes these animal type scenarios that emulate monkey hi-jinx, at times.

For the record, the "Toadie" series of stories, I've written for this blog in the past, aren't something I came up with because I enjoy making fun of mentally challenged people.  If people were to actually closely read those stories, they would note that the character, Toadie, who seems mentally challenged, isn't really that way and that he may be putting on an act, considering what he will say later on in an episode that reveals his true self.  Meanwhile, the people around him are easily duped.  That can come in quite handy for him.

Inquisitor Kelly: What would it take to get people in this world on the right track and not continuing it's seemingly downward spiral?

Honest Kelly: Understanding between people who might seem different than us until we get to know them.  Putting back bank regulations.  Stop communicating so much with electronic hand held devices (cell phones, IPads, IFux or whatever throwaway gadget they're called).  It's so sad that we are a "throwaway" society on pretty much anything that's bought.  Whenever a new "upgraded device" comes out, people will cheerfully buy it instead of, oh, I don't know, wasting it on someone who is hungry or homeless or some other positive purpose.

 Forget about distractions like reality shows and silly tabloids.  Cease being a conformist.  Stand up and take responsibility for your actions and for cryin' out loud, stop denying what's happening in the world.  Fairy tales are for children.  In fact, I think we should start preparing kids, when they are young with how things are so they don't get blasted in the face with reality when they get older.  Speak out against what is obviously wrong instead of waiting for someone else to do it.  Stop polluting this world as if we have some other planet to land on, inhabit and slowly or quickly destroy.  Opening one's mind.  Those are just a few things off the top of my head.  Thanks for asking.  That was, like, totally unexpected of you. 

    

Inquisitor Kelly: Describe yourself!

Honest Kelly: I think I'm a man that has many contradictory traits to his personality.  I don't think I'm bi-polar, by any means.  But I have strong opinions and strong passions for certain things that seem to contradict myself.  I'm not boasting when I say I'm complex, but it's the truth.  I'm still surprised by people who have known me since childhood.  One of the worst things you can do to me, personally, is make assumptions.  People have done that to me all of my life for idiotic reasons and, unfortunately, I do have to address some assumptions (lies)  and set the truth straight out there.  If I don't, it has led to more trouble than I care to talk about. 

Personally, I don't give a rat's ass, though. 

In all honesty, I think I lost a part of myself when my mother passed away.  I was a shadow of my former self for a very long time.  Still am, but not as much.  I attended therapy and was prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills that work for me now.  It took awhile to find the right ones that were a "good fit" for me.  It takes awhile for some people to find the suitable pills because they'll sometime have drastic side effects with these pills.  Anyway, I could confide in Mom with everything.  She would listen, non judgmentally and answer a question- only if I asked.  She loved me, unconditionally.  She passed away 7 years ago.  I miss her love, twisted humor and our talks about ANYTHING under the moon and the stars.  My Aunt Kay, sister and wife can sometimes fill in the deep void in my life but they, honestly, can't come as close as that.

With this comes the responsibility I share with my sister of taking care of Dad, who has vascular dementia and other maladies too long to list.  Even though he's in an assisted living place, he still has to be taken to doctor appointments and he still wants to be taken out to eat.  And he's still angry, verbally abusive, threatening and you can never just visit him without him wanting you to take him somewhere.  I recently put 200 miles on my odometer as we got lost three different times during the day.  He refused to be taken anywhere else but this one particular Cracker Barrel restaurant.  This is just a small sampling of what we have to go through. He also constantly loses his extra body parts, including, but not all mentioned: hearing aids, dentures, glasses, canes and so on.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to take care of my wife who has severe high blood pressure, arthritis and much much more.   My own malady list goes on forever and ever so I won't bother to start.  Besides, I've written all about it before.  Excuse me for a moment.  I have to shoot insulin into my belly.  Be right back.  :)

Though I still suffer from depression and disease time to time, I'm still able to find the humor and positive aspects of life, despite what I'll sometimes put on this blog or my Facebook wall.  I think people don't look closely enough at a person, in order to try to get to know them, at least, to some degree.  What a shame!  For me.  For others.  Everyone.   

Inquisitor Kelly: What's the weirdest thing that's happened to you, lately?

Honest Kelly: Well, for this scorchingly hot summer, there was a woman in her early forties, in a tank top and pair of shorts, sitting on her ten speed bicycle.  She would be sitting on her bicycle for hours and hours at the end of our road.  I would go to the store, for awhile or go to the park or wherever.  When I'd come back.  Sure enough, she would still be there.  I wanted to roll down my window and ask her if she was okay because she looked like she was going to cross out onto the side of road to ride her bike, even though when there wasn't any traffic, but she would just sit there, instead and quietly wait.  Every so often, she did a little circle ride at the end of our road but she wouldn't travel further.

I thought something was wrong with her, maybe mentally, but wasn't sure.  Maybe, I thought, she was just afraid to take her bike out and ride it along the side of the road.  I never asked. 

I come to find out from my wife, from the neighbors and what my wife witnessed herself, that this woman was a prostitute.  My wife caught her bobbing her head up a down on some guy in a car at what used to be a dentist's office nearby.  The dude had his head leaned back, in apparent ecstasy.  I guess he was giving the ol' girl some free toothpaste.  :)  I bet she could have used some real toothpaste, a pint of mouthwash and medical attention for any diseases she might carry.

The neighbors told us that guys would pull up along the side of her bike, talk to her a bit and then get out to put her bike in their trunk.  And then, away they went off to somewhere, for awhile, before returning her to the end of the road.  Then she did the "wait on a bike" routine again.

On several occasions, she was found to be wearing a sign around her neck during those skin blistering days.  The sign read, in big bold lettering: Pick me up!  I'll make you happy!

There was a smiley face next to the word "happy."  A couple neighbors in our apartment complex said she was mentally challenged.  No kidding, I thought.  The sitting out in nearly 100 degree weather with an obvious sign around her neck didn't give that detail away at all.

These days, I don't see her... anywhere.  Maybe the police finally picked her up.  Maybe she's in a mental institution.  Who knows?  In any case, she's off the end of our road and we still have a bunch of neighborhood kids who still, gleefully, carelessly, play out in the middle of the entire length of our road with their balls and bikes and toys, not giving a shit if they get ran over or not.  Btw, all of these kids have medium sized front and back lawns and big driveways.  The parents, of course, still put signs out near the road, declaring that we should all slow down for the sake of their children.

Yeah, and people still like to tell me that people are okay.  lol.  Take care, everyone!  I'll be taking a blog break for awhile.  Hopefully, I will blog yet again next month, sometime.  Btw, would you care to try my free toothpaste?  Just thought I'd ask because... as I've often said... I CARE A LOT.

Things You Don't See Every Day

I remember the time my 70 year old boss dressed up like a Hostess Twinkie and shuffled about in front of the grocery store where I worked.  The adults that walked by, looked at him, bewildered.  It was hot enough to fry a bacon and turd sandwich that day.  The kids seemed to enjoy the show as they danced and laughed around him.  So gleeful were they, I thought they were going to take a bite out of his costume.

I didn't know who, exactly, was in that costume because I had just arrived for my shift that afternoon.  I figured it was one of the younger guys.  I thought this because this costume didn't look like the type that had a fan or any type of cooling system built inside like some costumes you see people wearing at amusement parks.  In fact, it looked handmade.  I didn't know an old guy was inside it.

Not long after doing his little promotional shuffle, entertaining the crowd, "The Boss Man" became tired.  When I walked into the stock room, he was in the middle of taking off his costume.  I was shocked to see that he was shirtless and he had his big ol' fat floppy old man boobies hangin' out while the rest of his torso was covered in a yellow foam material.  He was wearing a pair of little white boots, too.

I laughed to myself, imagining what the reactions of all would be if he were to walk outside the store like he was in his half-dressed present state.  Maybe he would boost Twinkie sales with some of the elderly, half- blind ladies in town.  Who knows?

Almost immediately, I turned and walked out the stock room door, sharing what I had just seen with a few other co-workers.  I'm nice that way.

Speaking of things you don't see every day...  

Remember those "Baby On Board" signs that were so prevalent a decade ago?

Dancing pig with no back legs.

Did he just tell a lie?

It looks like a delicate procedure.

He looks lost.  He should ask for directions.

You should watch this for something you really don't see much of these days.

Rat Pageant and World Naked Bike Rides

Frustrated subway workers, in New York, are attempting to draw attention to what they say is a rat infestation and are offering a free monthly transport pass to anybody who's got the guts and/or stomach to snap o a good pic of one of these furry, razor-sharped teethed, underground doll babies.

Hairy Potter.  He'll wave his furry wand if you want him to strike a seductive pose for the contest.  Just ask him nicely.
   

Though the furry darlings of the vermin community have been known to bite riders, in the past, present, and most likely, future, folks are encouraged to snap pictures of their favorite rat buddy. They can be sent to ratfreesubways.com.  When I visited the site, I saw that they were showing a video of a rat carrying off a pizza.  I witnessed one take off with a goat once.

What's next?

Somebody making out with a rat?

Did I see a little tongue action going on?    Golly.

Speaking of drawing attention, as mentioned above, I thought of something else.  People will, of course, express themselves in ways that draw attention, with the intention of desperately wanting that attention- like these gals here...

Actually, she's a lawyer.  Who knows how many cases she's won?

Lady, it gets hot down there.  Sometimes we just have to let our hairy, beet-red nutsacks hang out every so often.  As men, we understand you gals have your "lady days" with your menstrual periods and such- where you temporarily go insane with mood swings so severe, we're afraid to sleep beside you at night for fear you'll secretly throw out our old favorite cassette tapes or cut out our testicles and use them as earrings.   Just let us guys have our day in the shade or right out in the open and let us expose our  man apples, proudly, for all to see and gaze upon.  If we should draw attention to thine eye, don't throw darts at our wrinkled bags of jizz whiz.  Instead, applaud our display of dignity and pride with great gusto!     

Sometime people just want attention because it's a pathetic cry for help.  Help that perhaps only a therapist or close friend or mate can provide.  Sometimes it's acted out, in various ways, for petty shock value.  And then we have people who draw attention to themselves for a very worthy cause.  Take, for instance, World Naked Bike Rides.  In summary, World Naked Bike Riding events take place all around the world.  People will show their causes, ideas and concerns about pollution, the effects and greed of big oil corporations and more, by riding naked through city streets around the world.

Now that's the kind of attention draw I can get behind.  But not too closely behind.  Some good folks don't know their "behinds" stink because of poor sense of smell.  Who will stand up, with optional gas mask and dare to create a charity or cause for those folks?

Here are a few pics from London's World Naked Bike Ride:

It's good to know the British  police are there to cover the attendees for security reasons.  

Everyone is welcome to engage in the jaunty, admirable event.

Here, we see supporters, riders and spectators in San Francisco's World Naked Bike Ride event.

"Look, Bobby!  A man with wild tiger disguise, not doing a very good job of concealing he has been blessed with the  conscious of a true animal lover, supporter and eco-friendly gentleperson."

  Either that or he's just your average naked dude, out for a pleasant Sunday afternoon bicycle ride.  Who knows?  Just don't grab that chopstick, guys and gals!

And thus, we, or rather, I, alone, at Psycho Carnival, conclude our informative, somewhat jocular, tongue-in-buttcheek posting.  Have a wonderfully expressive day!  And why not ride a bike, take pictures of beautiful subway rats, afterwards, and then paint your naked, sagging ass blue for a change of pace?

It may just make your time on Earth just go that much smoother and stuff.  Later, friends!

Beautiful Christmas Ornaments

Oh, what a treat!  You're all cordially invited to gaze upon this fine collection of whimsical, inspirational, aesthetically pleasing holiday treasures in this most excellent post at Psycho Carnival.  Behold!

Wouldn't this wonderful firefighter/merman hybrid decoration look fantastic on your tree this year?  If you can find his special taint button, he may just give you a good holiday hosing.

What a magnificent addition this bacon strip ornament would be on your tree this holiday season.  Nothing quite conveys the true meaning of Christmas like a lovingly crafted ornament such as this.  And I double dog dare you not to eat this appealing work of art while no one is looking.  Shhh.  I won't tell if you won't.

Look, everyone!  Why... it's a graceful ballerina, enchanting one and all with the fluidity of her magical moves and oddly proportioned bosom.  If I were a betting gentleman, I would say those nipples could poke an eye out.  

If you're searching for something charming to hook onto your special tree this year, look no further.  These  extraordinarily delightful zombie gingerbread men will enthrall family member and friend alike.  You'll be the envy of the entire neighborhood, for certain.  And if you're not sure if that is authentic blood gushing from their heads and legs, cast those doubts away.  That's real blood- from fresh newborn kittens.  Merry Christmas.   

What an endearing character this jolly character is!  He has the kind of winsome smile that guarantees you and your loved ones won't have reason to fear that he will suddenly sprout a torso, arms and legs and crawl up the stairs, like a crazed spider, enter your bedroom and bite you repeatedly under the sheets, shredding your flesh with delightful abandon.  

It's certain you'll fall in love with this beautiful doll of an ornament.  Her name is Lil' Mandy MissyLimbs  Just look at the delicate features of her hands and feet.  Upon closer inspection, the happy faraway look in this little girl's eyes seems to be conveying a positive message of peace and goodwill to all during this glorious holiday season.  Note:  Please be careful NOT to barely touch Lil' Mandy's mid-section or her entrails will likely fall out as if they were blobs of rancid jello.  Seasons Greetings!

I'm not quite sure what to make of this fucking thing.  Happy Holidays!

If you're looking for pleasant, finely crafted ornaments that appeal to your  playful side, why not choose these two  wonderful works of art?  The first ornament is of a snowman showing off his caring, gentle nature by cheerfully carrying his lady friend to a house made of frosted donut balls.  The second ornament reveals a scene where a good Samaritan is happily assisting a being of snow with his slightly bent lower carrot.

What inspiring lessons we can learn from these adorable figures!  Both of these would make wonderful gifts for the elderly and/or religious in your family.

We, here, at Psycho Carnival, heartily and sincerely wish you and your loved ones the very merriest of a happy holiday season this year.  May your cheery red yule logs and festive bearded clams become hard and wet with the joy that these  decorations will bring you this Christmas.  Noel!