Hawaiian Adventure: Geothermal Pools, Nuts and Deck Shots

This is the second part of an ongoing series of posts, regarding our trip to the Hawaiian islands.  Click here for the first part.  We took a 7 day cruise, during the last week of September and the first week of October of 2012.  Our first day and night, before the cruise, we stayed at the Marriott hotel in Honolulu.

The Pride of America cruisehip

And no, the last part of the title to this post should not be read as "nuts and dick shots."  I just want to clear that up, right away.  In fact, if you keep reading the post and checking out the pics, you might see puffy goat vaginae and exceedingly horny lesbian handmaidens, left alone on the farm so long, that they naturally held Goat Clitoris Licking contests to see who would win the BIG PRIZE.  The prize would usually be a fresh, slippery tongue, cut away from an annoying old cow, the human type or animal.

That's why you don't hear much from Rosie O' Donnell these days.

One of the most thrilling and educational parts of our cruise to the five Hawaiian islands of O'ahu, Maui, Hilo, Kona, and Kaua'i was the excursion in Hilo.

In Hilo, we chose the Hawaiian Explorer excursion.  We figured we could get the biggest bang for our buck because it actually included three events in one during the course of a six hour period.  First, our shuttle bus driver, who had a very dry sense of humor, took us to Pana`ewa Rainforest Zoo and Botanical Gardens, America's only rainforest zoo, in fact.

Trees at the Botanical Gardens, mostly destroyed by lava and encased in lava rock.  And you thought the fucked up tree  on the right was a Rock Giant's dick?  What the hell have you been smokin'?

While it's true you'll see over 100 varieties of palms, native and introduced plants, you'll also want to be careful not to accidentally go off the paved provided trails and fall down into a giant crack in the Earth.  There are signs, all around the area, that say you shouldn't do that.  They didn't say the giant cracks and holes led to Hell, exactly, but I did see Hitler, fuher of Germany's Third Reich, poke his head up from the biggest, seemingly bottomless opening, wiggling his nose a bit, while happily chewing the dismembered arm of Idi Amin.

Ol' Idi could be heard screaming, down below.

Hitler stopped, momentarily and said, "I can't wait for Mitt Romney to join our party in Hell.  I've never eaten a Mormon before.  I wonder if they're as tangy as Catholics."  After that, he went back down into the tremendous hole, spiraling downward like a screw being driven into wood.  I heard Idi scream again, seconds afterwards, shouting, "Now I got you sucka!"

Then I let go of the cool looking mushroom I had picked up and moved on.

All the passengers from the comfortable air conditioned bus were treated to scenes of all types of wild looking, beautiful flora and fauna.  The trees, that had been partially eaten away and covered by hardened lava were spectacular.  There were a lot of them.  A guide mentioned that volcanoes had erupted in the late 1700's and the lava had risen twelve feet high in the area where the zoo is located.  The lava ate away a lot of the trees and all of the plants, creating, as a result, deformed, rock-like encasing of trees and plants growing out of little lava rock mounds.

Don't fall into a crack in the earth!  You'll go to hell, get eaten by Hitler and strapped to a chair where you'll continuously view movies of Rosie O' Donnell licking a goat's clit.  Where they got those movies is a true mystery.  If you solve it, you may win the BIG PRIZE!

It was bizarre and fun at the zoo.  It wasn't too long of a walk and there were wooden shelters you could stop, sit and rest if you wanted.  But I couldn't.  Being the"nature boy" that I am, I was almost manic with delight at my surroundings. I was running around like a chicken with his head cut off, (because a lot of Hawaiian people don't like chickens, as I pointed out in the first part of this series, that very idea excites them more than seeing Rosie O' Donnell's angry red clit) and taking pictures of everything while my poor wife trailed along behind me, at times, trying to keep up.  I felt bad that I left her stranded, sometimes, so would hobble back to her and ask her if she was okay.

She didn't complain and let me go off like a kid in a candy shop, snapping pics of this flower or this tree or whatever.  I found that I would pay for it later during the excursion.

Do you like my groovy outfit?  Great combination of tops and bottoms, eh?  I can't explain the shirt but I was wearing the swim trunks because I knew we were going to go swimming and wading into a large pond that was heated up by a nearby volcano, later, during the excursion.

I think she was more impressed with the animals.  Although, one of the main reasons we went on this excursion, to see the White Bengal tiger, Namaste, couldn't be accomplished.  The tiger was in the animal infirmary and could not be shown.  He had broken his leg the week before.  Even so, the staff at the zoo, made a birthday sign and put it outside the fence of the area where he would have been seen if he was uninjured.  It was a let down because he was hurt and, also, because we didn't get to see him but I understood.  I thought it was nice of the staff to create this sign even though Namaste the Tiger probably couldn't read it.  Maybe they gave him a million dollar robotic leg for his birthday.

A lot of people, wishing Namaste well and so forth, signed this.  I'm not sure but I think all the red that you see below the tiger's neck is actually the blood of one of the zookeepers.  Happy birthday, Namaste! 

They had other animals and birds there, such as lemurs, parrots, Capauchin monkeys and more.  Like I said in the previous post, I took somewhere between 500 to 600 pictures during the entire 8 day trip and 14 movie clips (some as long as eight and a half minutes in duration).  You or really, anyone else could say I went a little overboard but I highly doubt we'll ever be able to go on another trip to Hawaii and I wanted to capture as many memories that I could.  Besides, I come from a family of amateur photographers.  My mom, at one time, had close to fifty photo albums.  They would be filled with our trips out west to Wyoming or south to Florida or west, again, to Arizona, to name only a few, not to mention everyone's birthdays and family gatherings.

Next, our laid back shuttle bus driver, who at one point joked that if anyone could pronounce his native Hawaiian name, correctly, would win a prize, took us to the Mauna Loa Nut Factory.

This is where my wife got her revenge for me leaving her behind on the trail, at times.

On a self-guided tour, you could walk up the steps of the processing plant to see how they get the nuts prepared for public consumption.  Usually, I just shave mine.  But be warned:  It is not for public or private consumption.  I'm too ticklish for that nonsense.

We left some product for the rest of the passengers on the shuttle bus to purchase and enjoy.  Yes, we both wore tie dye shirts that day.  Call us nuts if you want.

Our shuttle bus driver explained, on the way there, that the workers/gatherers of the nuts had to be careful when picking a good or bad nut, proceeding to de-shell it and put them in a container that was later loaded on a truck.

We passed Macadamia nut trees and huge areas of hardened lava rock, scattered about, along the narrow road.  As I pointed out before, most of the roads are partially made from hardened lava rock.  If you click on the link above, you can read the story of how the Macadamia nut tree actually originated in Australia and was introduced to Hawaii in 1882.

After my wife and I quickly toured the processing plant, we made a bee line to the big gift shop.

I said, "Let's go!  I hear they're giving out free samples and they have Macadamia nut and coconut flavored ice cream!"

This is where she bought out almost half the store.  We bought 6 different flavored Macadamia nuts, various bags of Hawaiian coffee, souvenirs and the ice cream- that we ate at the provided tables and chairs.  When we got up to the counter, I couldn't believe how much stuff we got and how much we spent.  But like I was saying before, and my wife looked at me and repeated, at that point, "We should get this stuff now because when do you think we'll ever get to Hawaii again."

Ah-Ha!  Revenge complete!

The highlight of the excursion for me, besides the zoo, was going to the Ahalanui Park.  There, you could wade and float about in this substantially sized, natural geothermal pool that was heated to a relaxing 90 degrees F. by a nearby volcano. Heat would come out of the hardened lava walls, from holes, surrounding the pond.  Most people visiting, got in.  I did, despite the signs that were posted on the path going toward the pool.

One sign cautioned about it not being advisable to go into the pond if you had any cuts on your body- due to the bacteria in the water possibly infecting you.  Another warned you about eels and flesh biting fish.  Another sign would warn you about deep cracks at the bottom of the pool.

I couldn't care less about any of it.  I was going in.  I felt like I was bursting with enthusiasm, eager for adventure.  To hell with any danger!

I slowly made my way into the pond.  There was only one metal handrail and a few lava rock stones you could use for steps at the entrance of it.  Or you could just jump in, cannonball style and let the bacteria, eels and tiny skin-biting fish have a go at you, all at once.  What fun!

The water was clear, warm and inviting.

There was an older guy, there, in his late sixties.  His name was Nova (like the show on the PBS station).  He stayed kinda close, at times, toward the entrance.  He was funny, always cracking jokes and he made friends with me, and eventually, my wife, who joined me later and discovered I wasn't being killed devoured, felt welcome and he sort of escorted us around.

We were surprised to find out Nova was from the original state where we lived.  He had lived in Hawaii the last twenty years.  I think he gave us preferential treatment because we were from his home state.  He guided us to the ledge of the wall where we could feel the heat coming from the hardened lava walls and it's many holes.  The tiny flesh biting fish were only an inch long and when they nibbled on ONLY your dead skin (mostly your heels), they sort of tickled you.  They didn't pose a danger and I've heard of spas in Japan using fish like this or these exact same fish to act as a natural exfoliant to remove dead skin cells.  In other words, they didn't matter to me or my wife.  Nova said if they started to tickle you too much, to just wave your arms around you and they would swim away for awhile before coming back to gently feed off of you.  :)

By the way, nobody saw any eels and Nova said that out of all the times he had visited the big geothermal pool, he had only seen a few of them but they didn't bother him or anyone else he knew about.  Maybe they were afraid of his beard.

This is Nova, an unofficial, friendly greeter of the geothermal pool we experienced.  I liked this guy.  He was humorous, informative and helped me go around this boulder in the pool without breaking open my knee cap on it, tearing open my flesh and possibly exposing myself to some kind of bacteria.  He had that old hippie look to him and he was one of the nicest guys I've ever met.

On the other end of the pool, you could see the ocean, quite visibly.  There was a boundary of lava rock wall, separating the ocean and the pond.  I took several pictures along this area.

After the Hilo island excursion, we were slightly exhausted by the time we made it back to our ship.  It was a long, rewarding day.  We rested a bit before eating a meal at the Aloha Cafe, on board the cruise ship.  You could eat, almost non-stop, at the buffet, if that were your desire.  You could eat until you bloat yourself to whale sized proportions if that's how you got your kicks.  Some people, I noticed, did that.

I was satisfied with usually eating just four meals a day and a couple of snacks you would take from the buffet back to your cabin.  lol.  Again, some folks like us, would take entire platefuls of cookies and fruit or whatever you had an appetite for, to munch on before going to bed or to eat with taking your medication.

That's how we did it, anyway.

Here's a few shots of the outside of the decks of the cruise ship:

Do you see the rainbow?  It's not because of the magical mushroom you may or may not have taken, I can assure you.  I loved this shot.

The guy standing in front of the gigantic chess board and pieces might be thinking he's hallucinating.  I'm not going to tell him differently.

The pool area, at night.  I was peepin' in at a couple at one of the hot tubs.  :)

That's all for now, folks.  Hope you're enjoying the tours, thus far.    

Fortune Cookie Among Other Things

My wife had an endoscopy procedure done on her at the hospital, yesterday. Endoscopy procedure, you ask? You know. Tube down the throat with a camera or something that takes images of your throat and stomach. Her doctor wanted her to to have it done because he found blood in her stool. A colonoscopy (camera tube up the poop chute procedure) was done a few months ago and they found out she had a hemorrhoid that was bleeding. No cancer was found but they wanted to do the endoscopy later, anyway, to "be on the safe side". So, reluctantly, to "be on the safe side" I told her she might as well have that done, too though I felt the doctors were wanting to do something unnecessary for extra money or whatever. She didn't really want to have it done, either. We both felt the mystery of the bloody turd was found with the bloody 'roid. And really, if the doctor had just done a bit of poking around down there with just his finger, he could have found it on his own.

I recall, fondly, having a hemorrhoid checked out and my doctor said it looked like a little head of cauliflower sticking out of my asshole. I thought, how sweet. I've got "vegetable ass". My wife was in the examination room and she said it resembled a pink bud, just beginning to bloom. Good thing I was in one of my usual I-don't-give-a-shit moods. I chuckled to myself, with my ass hanging over the metal table, wishing I could cut a nice big fat fart on the both of them. I think they thought I was laughing because of their descriptions.

So they do the endoscopy and the doctor found she has a polyp in her stomach but it looks benign. Nothing cancerous or suspicious looking. Great news!

Four weeks from now, they want to discuss what, if anything, they want to do about that polyp. More medical bills. They're really racking up with my own health visits, procedures and medicines. You'll have to read my earlier posts if you want to know more about that.

After the endoscopy ends, with the whole thing lasting about 3 hours (waiting before the procedure, IV stuck in her arm, paperwork, tube down the throat and her coming out of it and so on), my wife is all doped up on Demerol and some other pain medication. We talk. An hour goes by. We leave, her hand in mine and proceed to our favorite Chinese restaurant. She had fasted close to fourteen or fifteen hours and was starved.

After downing four plates of food each (I know. I'm on a diet but I worked it off the next day. Promise.), the petite Chinese waitress comes over with the bill and a couple of fortune cookies. I eat them both. My wife hates them. The first one has a message that says something like "The sun rises in the morning sky like a hot air balloon". Is that supposed to be a fortune? The second paper from the other one reads:

Others appreciate your sensitivity

I know. It's funny because I'm a bastard. On the other side of the paper it reads:

Learn Chinese- Disease

Then, underneath that, it reads: (bing)

That's when I get up to take a monster shit. Pinching my cheeks together so hard you couldn't fit a credit card in my crack (at least not with that cauliflower in the way), I wobble my way to the restroom. Their toilet is cold, the room is cold and the seat is always wobbly. It's most likely that way because too many four and five plate eating bastards have been plopping their giant redneck white asses on it and causing it to become unhinged from the toilet. Just a guess.

After we get home, we plop into bed, with bellies straining to digest the multitudes of those dumpling things, sushi, peanut butter chicken and god knows what else.

Was that a happy ending or what? Wasn't it worth getting this far down? And haven't we all learned a great deal from this tale?

The Strange "Foods" People Are Willing To Eat

Recently, I've been watching "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern" on the Travel Channel. At first, I was only disgusted by what some folks around the world thought of as edible. Of course, my morbid curiosity kicked in and now I watch the show every now and then. The last episode I caught had Andy munchin' on rooster balls, chicken heads and a big bloated frog that had it's raw guts prominently displayed in a bowl. Andy cheerfully gobbled it up, pausing only to describe the various tastes of each item. The detailed descriptions he gives really add ambiance to the images of the "food" lovingly provided by the camera man who enjoys zooming in on all the entrails, brains and myriad of juices oozing forth from the cuisine.


What really drops my jaw is when he munches on something that's still alive. One time, I watched Andy eat a large, plump spider that was writhing in agony as he bit into it.


I wonder if this guy has a girlfriend: A girlfriend willing to kiss him after some of the repulsive crap he has shoved between his lips for the sake of a tv show.



To be fair, I'm sure there are folks around the world who are equally repulsed/fascinated by the some of the things we eat here in America. Perhaps they're shocked about our consuming of beef. Maybe it's venison. It could be a lot of things.



My sister tried breaded rattlesnake when the family traveled to Wyoming one year. I've had alligator meat. Tastes like chicken. Ha ha. I've chowed down on buffalo burgers and squirrel, too.


After doing some research, I've found out more about what people on this planet consider digestible. I've provided a list of some of the most shocking "edibles" for you to enjoy. Bon appetite!



Maggot Cheese (Italy)

During the aging process, a fly called Piophila casei deposits its eggs on the cheese. When the maggots are born, they move throughout the cheese, excreting enzymes that give it an overwhelmingly pungent smell, a rotten taste, and a soft, creamy texture.

Ox Penis (Asia)

The penis is generally cooked by steaming or deep frying, and can also be eaten raw.

Rats (various parts of the world)

Balut-Duck Fetus (Philippines, Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand)












Jellied Cow's Foot (Poland)

Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of this for you to drool over. I hope this recipe helps you, though.

Buy a cow's foot in a butcher shop, chop it up and cook for hours & hours in water with spices, garlic, salt, pepper, etc. It is a good idea to evacuate the house during cooking time to avoid the overwhelming smell. Then pour this mess into a large flat pan and refrigerate. It sets to a nice translucent grey jelly with a layer of fat on top. Cut into large cubes and serve with lots of horseradish to kill the taste.


Blood Dumplings (Sweden)

Sorry, no picture of that available either. But here's what it is made of:

It's made of flour, reindeer blood and salt, served with bacon, butter and lingonberry jam. Cooked or fried. Yummy!


Baby Bees (Japan)













Monkey Brains (China)

























Hu-Hu Grubs (New Zealand)

As an added bonus, I've included this link to a woman who cooks human placentas and even has a "special" recipe for it. I bet your mouth is watering already. Check it out if you have the guts.

All-You-Can-Eat-Disease

There was talk on the news this morning about the high levels of mercury found in tuna, as of late. It was being blamed on power plants and a couple of other sources. I say you can find a lot of undesirable things in your food without looking that hard. Let me elaborate.

When I was a kid, my parents took my sister and I to one of those all-you-can-eat-buffets. I recall being shocked at the behaviour of most of the patrons. Some of them would pick the food straight out of the pans (like chicken legs) and start eating it without going back to the table. I thought, God, how hungry do you have to be that you can't wait until you get back to your table to eat? Almost every food pan that you came across, you'd discover the serving tongs to be completely submerged in the food. Handle and all. I was disgusted by that. But worse than that, would be looking over at the ice cream dispenser and seeing kid after kid stepping up to it and sucking ice cream directly from the yellow-ish, saliva covered dispenser nozzle.

They reminded me of skuzzy little calves sucking mightily from their cow mother's crusty teats.

At the Golden Corral, you routinely see people dropping the handles of tongs in food pans. Plus, they'll use one big spoon from the gravy pan to dip into the spaghetti sauce. Many customers come in wearing sweatpants or pajamas and slippers in the middle of the day to show they don't care how they appear. I guess that kind of attire proves useful when you're gorging on your fifth plate and don't desire the exercise of having to adjust your belt.

My friend, Gerk, told me how he went to Frisch's for the breakfast buffet and saw this rather rotund woman scooping up heaps of sausage links on her plate. He said it had been her fourth or fifth trip up to the bar for her sausage gathering that morning. Anyway, the portly woman turned around, wagging her metal sausage picking tong and commenced to jabber with the friend next to her in line. Suddenly, she accidentally jammed the metal tong into the light fixture above the bar. Immediately, she was electrocuted and she flipped the plate of sausage links into the air. Everyone stood back, unsure exactly what had just transpired. The electrified woman yelled, "Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!" before someone could ask if she was alright. After she hit the floor, other customers could, at last, grab a few links for themselves. And yes, for those of you who care, she eventually made it to her feet. Fully recuperated, she went back for more sausage, later.

My cousin, a host/manager of a casino boat buffet, had an unexpected surprise one evening when he began receiving complaints from other customers. It seems they were having difficulty eating their food. A large family at a certain table were causing trouble. He went back to the room in the corner of the dining area to visit the ill-behaved customers. His jaw dropped the moment he saw them. Father, mother, sisters and brothers were all cheerfully gorging on their taters n' gravy and whatnot while allowing half of their pre-chewed food to fall out onto themselves, their plates and the table. My cousin finally asked, "Is every alright?"

More munching and slobbering ensued before the father of this charming troop nodded his ten gallon head, allowing more half-eaten gobbledy-gook to drip off his chin. The wife and the rest of the kids were covered in a variety of sauces and chunks as they also nodded.

My cousin couldn't ask them to leave. Or so he thought. Instead, he made up a little tale explaining how the casino buffet needed their table for a bigger family and asked if they could move. He politely asked a second time, not sure if they heard him over the noises their mouths were making. The father held up a greasy finger, before saying, "Fine". That one word response was muffled, however, because a blob of mushy meatloaf squeezins was trying to escape from his pie hole.

In the end, the family was escorted to a more secluded room, in an area with many walls.

At one time, my wife worked at a famous named steak restaurant where the cooks or servers, if they dropped steaks on the floors, would routinely pick the steak up and place it back on the plate and serve it to the customer.

A friend of mine told me the account of a couple of disgruntled employees at another famous named restaurant. They were angry at their supervisor. They were going to make him pay for some transgression against them. But it seems to me the patrons of this eatery paid, as well. Towards the end of the second shift, when all the employees were cleaning up and taking the food away from the buffet bar, an item was discovered at the bottom of the vegetable soup pot. The eyes of the employees discovering this item certainly must have widened at the sight of a used maxi pad stuck on the bottom of this soup pot. In retrospect, I suppose you really couldn't call it vegetable soup, could you, if there were some type of meat in it also?

In summary, I'd like to point out that there can be no debate that the United States has the highest (or one of the highest) rates of obesity in the entire world. You need to look no further than the local all-you-can-gorge-on-buffet ( a.k.a. human hog trough) or down the street or, maybe, in front of the mirror.

And please, could you not drop the tong handle in the chicken gravy! Damn it.