Mind Tricks

Here are a couple ways to have some fun by messing with the mind of a friend or relative:

Chair Control

Ask your friend or relative to sit in a straight backed chair with his or her knees pressed together, feet flat on the floor with his or her hands firmly gripping the side edges of the seat. Now stand in front of that person and place your middle finger in the middle of their forehead.

Next, breathe deeply and put on an act that you're focusing your mental energy upon on your chosen potential dupe. When you're ready, invite your mark to attempt to stand up. Just before the person stands up, explain to him/her that they will find it impossible to do so since you are using your psychic energy to keep them pinned to the chair.

The mark will not be able to stand up -no matter how hard they try.

The secret: In order for the person to stand up, he or she must move his center of gravity in front of his or her knees, but they won't be able to do that with their backside stuck at the back of the chair.

Head Case

Sit on the floor with your legs crossed. Put your dominant hand on top of your head with the palm face down. Spread your fingers wide. Now ask a friend to grip your arm at the elbow and attempt to remove your hand from your head. They will find it almost impossible.

The secret: Your arm is a lever and the powerful parts of any lever are the ends. Your elbow is the fulcrum, so any attempt to exert force at this point will be easily matched by the leverage in your arm. Think of it like this: Trying to open a door by pressing on the hinges.

It's fun to fuck with people, isn't it? As long as they don't shoot you.

Plans For New Year's Eve Party (but not at my place)

I'm not sure which plan I'm going to go with. Maybe you can help me decide.

Plan A

Personally, I think a party featuring midgets fucking tiny poodles while everyone enjoys a delightful concoction of doobage, drink and magic mushrooms has all the makings for a rip-dandy fiesta. I'd watch that for a dollar. Then I would further the evening's merriment by dousing them all with gasoline, setting them all on fire and shooting each guest in the nuts or hoo hoo as they try to flee the premises. It's important to impress your guests with charm and grace, after all.

Plan B

I'd give even 2 whole dollars to watch a room full of retards (or ultra conservatives- either group being interchangeable) have their drinks laced with something that would cause them to lunge upon each other, gouge out each other's eyes with corkscrews while singing ""Auld Lang Syne". Of course, I will perform the videotaping and set them all on fire before I leave the premises. What a way to bring in the new year!

But what to do... what to do.

The Spy Who Watched Me

Years ago, I worked at a hair care product distribution center. I'll refrain from giving up the name of this hell hole, not to protect the innocent, but because I don't want to encourage any shampoo/conditioner freaks, reading this, to buy this company's goddamn products.

While there, my co workers and I would pack product in kit boxes for salons, while the conveyor belt ran between the 40mph mark to a thousand (perhaps an exaggeration). If you didn't get your particular thing (shampoo, brush or whatever) in your box in time before it passed your sorry ass you would receive a hostile, verbal thrashing from the line leader, or worse yet, from the one above that position. The head honcho, herself. Nola. She had the pleasant face of a six hundred year old Shar Pei Dog. Wrinkles Ahoy, Matey!

If you happened to be daydreaming on the line about some hot babe and you also happened to be "sporting wood" or "raising the phallic flag" and Nola, happened to come out of the office and you caught sight of her, your wood would melt like butter or fall like a Oak Tree or just disappear, entirely. Poof!

I know from experience.

In one episode, during my time working there, some freak was wiping shit (his shit?) all over the men's restroom walls, stalls, floors and sinks. Most everyone agreed that it was someone that had an unhappy confrontation with Nola- which could have been anyone, actually. This Spreader of Poo made Nola very angry. It didn't really sit well with the rest of us, either. Our bathroom break times were shortened, for one thing. Plus, we were lectured by Nola every day for the next 2 weeks about the juvenile antics that we, supposed grown-ups, were not to engage in. Whoever the Crap Culprit was, he wasn't creative, in the least. He didn't spell his name or draw puppies on the walls with his poop, like some masterpieces I've seen in some gas station restrooms. But, I digress.

Nola's plan was simple and moronic. She instructed her all-too-loyal and obedient assistant, Chris, to remain stationed in the men's restroom to watch, almost 8 of the nine hours of the day, the male employees pee and poo. Of course, we were given a tiny crumb of dignity. When our backs were turned, while pissing in the urinal, Chris the Brown Noser, refrained, thankfully, from peeking over our shoulders. Good thing, too, because it was rumoured Chris might be bi-sexual. He could have been in trouble for sexual harassment if he had done any peeky boo-ing. So Chris did, as he was told, without question. For him, Nola's word was his command. Nola's reasoning behind her plan? She believed Chris would somehow get real lucky and catch some disgruntled, but apparently, non constipated imbecile, painting walls with own excrement.

Maybe the nasty bastard would be caught.... brown-handed.

Moving on in this tale....

Diligently, Chris would watch our backs while we peed and checked inside the toilet stalls, after one of us exited, for fresh shit decor on the walls and so forth.

Being the considerate guy I am, I poked fun at the somber, serious Chris whenever I entered and left the restroom. This seemed to bring about a certain amount of good cheer to everyone who heard my words of wit, during that time. For instance, I would say to Nola's assistant, "Ah, the Poo Peeper, how nice of you to watch me squirt." Chris' face remained the same, showing consternation at my jovial remark.

After all, it was the kind of job one took seriously.

No Good Ball Playin', Bad Throwin' Youngsters

Edna Jester, an 89 year old woman, who needs her peace and quiet and no balls thrown in her yard was arrested at her home in Blue Ash, Ohio. She was charged with petty theft after one of the children's fathers complained that she took the kids' football and refused to give it back. Police Capt. James Schaffer says there has been an ongoing dispute in the neighborhood over kids' balls landing in the woman's yard.

The poor old woman is due in court next month. Read full story here about Jester. (Good name, considering her ball stealing prank) Heh heh. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081020/ap_on_re_us/odd_football_charge

I, for one, think it was okay for the elderly Jester to take their damn ball. I mean, sure, if it just happened that one time (or twice even) I would toss it back over. But not the third time. It's mine then. Kids should be more respectful. And if your dog comes over and takes a poop in my yard, I will shoot it in the ass with my pellet gun. Unfortunately, I don't have a pellet gun. Or a yard, as a matter of fact.

Damn it.

Great Pranks

The last few posts have been pretty damned heavy handed. Well it's time to take a well deserved break from that. We need some damned levity and jolly good fun around here. And, by gosh, it's going to start right now. How? Why by having fun at the expense of others, of course.

Recently, I posted a topic of discussion over at blogcatalog.com. I asked, what's the best prank you ever pulled? www.blogcatalog.com/discuss/entry/whats-the-best-prank-youve-ever-pulled

The following entries are the best so far. Enjoy. Links to the prank author's website have been added to each one.


Shad0w
Here is a short list:

1. Filled garbage can full of water. Leaned said garbage can up against neighbor's dorm room door. They opened door and turned their room into a pool.

2. Emptied a bag of 1,000 frozen lady bugs behind closet of another neighbor in my college dorm. Frozen lady bugs do not die when frozen, so when they thaw out they are quite alive. The entire building became infested with lady bugs.

3. Coated the door knobs of my dorm neighbor's with a fish paste fertilizer. It is extremely sticky and smells horrific. It is also really hard to remove with household soaps.

4. Placed explicit porn videos in friend's luggage knowing his mother unpacked his luggage when he visited home during college. He made mommy do his laundry. She was disappointed to discover he watched "Santa Cums Butt Once a Year."There are quite a few more, but my mind is tired. blog.seattle-duiattorney.com

kellybax
We used to go camping a lot when I was young. My sister and I got those little white popper firecracker things...you know what I am talking about? You throw them to the ground and they crack/pop loudly...forgot what they are really called. Anyway, we would go to the showers/bathrooms at the campground and stick them under the toilet sinks. Then we would go outside and wait for someone to go in and use the toilet. Someone would sit on it and it would POP and they would shriek. It really was hilarious! www.kellybax.com

HaplessHermit
I taped a hardcore gay porn pic to the back of my friends credit card. The cashier sure did look at him funny when he handed her the card. haplesshermit.typepad.com

calais50
I know of a guy in my town whose friends held him down at his bachelor party the night before his wedding and painted his...um...member blue.Also, I worked at the YMCA when I was in college and people were always playing pranks. There was a girl from Costa Rica who worked at the front desk. These 2 camp counselors who worked there kept asking her to page people-only they weren't real people, just dirty names. So I would be working and suddenly hear things like this on the PA system: "Mike Hunt please come to the front desk, Mike Hunt." bobbygrl.blogspot.com

RTBjr73
Back in the NAVY, we had a guy on our ship that got into a tech school and was shipping out the next day to Tennessee (We were stationed in Virginia Beach). we took him out, got him all plastered, until he passed out at the hotel room, flat out on the floor with the bottle of Jack still in his hand. We got a couple of girls to do some "Girls Gone Wild pictures with him, then me and three other "good pals" tea-bagged him while taking pictures of that. Two weeks later, I receive a phone call from Tennessee, from our buddy, calling us everything but human beings, since his wife received the pictures in the mail.Two months later he called us thanking us for helping expedite the divorce. No One ever liked the bible thumping winch. emailrubbish.blogspot.com

sdk1988
It wasn't me but a friend had a family reunion in California, picked her up at the airport, she'd never been to his house, he got her all stoked that the fam was waiting to see her, he dropped her off, said go on in, and he'd park the car, it wasn't even his house! She walked in on complete strangers... good thing they had a sense of humor! soul-to-soul.com

Bradley310
This one took a lot of timing and a lot of assistance:Created an imaginary friend for a friend of mine. We'll call the imaginary one Fred and my real friend Buddy.1. Buddy would meet up with a group of friends and they'd tell him that Fred just left.2. Someone would see Buddy and tell him Fred had been asking for him. 3. His mother would leave messages that Fred had just called.This drove Buddy crazy and he started imagining he knew Fred and who he was. After 30 days on April Fools day we told him the truth. Fortunately he thought it was hysterical. howisbradley.blogspot.com

cooper
I am not much of a prankster though one time last summer I was at a friends home where the guest bathroom window was where the outside deck was. There was a bunch of people sitting around on lounges and chairs talking there most of the night.Myself an another person hatched this plan early on - we opened the bathroom window (it was close to where everyone was sitting) and went about our business for an hour or so. Finally I loaded up several gallons of water maybe 7 or 9 I can't remember. and stored them under the sink, he was sitting with the group under the window and excused himself to use the bathroom. He goes in and with the window open he starts slowly pouring the water into the toilet bowl. From the outside it sounded like the loudest and longest p-ss anyone had ever taken - the looks on the faces of these people was at first shock because they could h ear him, then awe and amazement at the duration of the event..it honestly went on forever and the whole shocked awe and embarrassed looks of these people was great. wonderlandornot.net

wenfri
Called my baby sister Nancy from work. Or should say a friend did. April Fool's Day ya know. She works for the Railroad and had just got off work. At any rate he called her pretending to be an hour away and asked for instructions to get to her house for a delivery. She says I didn't order anything. He says "Well I got this here Transport truck full of canned Tuna. Coming from Florida ". She freaked. Course she is tired. LOL . She begins emptying her garage, neighbors garage etc.She waited, and waited and waited some more. So I called her back after lunch. I had to wait and let her stew about it. Her comment was (not a very nice one either) I don't have F**king time right now. WAiting for this stupid ******* ***** driver for over 2 hours now and still no show. Called her back 1/2 hour later and she is fuming by now. All I said was April Fool's and hung up. Took about 10 minutes. She had called my house looking for me and then called me at work. Yup good thing she was 3 hours away or she would have killed me. LOL. wendysreel.com

And lastly, I'd like to add one of my own....

I had some wholesome fun with a Jehovah's Witness one day. Two of them, actually. They knocked on the door. I opened it. Then the preaching came out of their mouths in a fast paced slew of words. I pretended to listen, with a calm demeanor. Then I told them I have already been saved by my sweet lord, Lucifer. They gave me puzzled looks. I continued to explain why Satan was my best buddy and how he could offer them the same deal I got for my soul. For a few moments, they just stood there, but then they commenced to explain why their choice of religion was better. While they blathered, I rolled my eyes to the back of my head. At this, they stopped. I raised my arms high into the air and shouted, "Blasphemy!" Then I growled. They left quickly when I did that.

By the way, I'm not a Satanist. I was just having fun with the Witnesses because I find them annoying. They always seem to knock on the door just when you're about to eat or watch a favorite tv show. They're as bad as telemarketers. Heh heh.

Send all hate mail and pranks to me at: masterheathen@yahoo.com
I shall file them into the appropriate bins.