Romance is In The Shed

ZZ Top's "Pearl Necklace"

I like this song. It's so peppy and fun. It's off ZZ Top's Greatest Hits. Play this song to get your date in a romantic mood. Good advice from the good Dr. Kelly.



Lyrics by ZZ Top

She's really upset with me again,
I didn't give her what she likes.
I don't know what to tell her,
Don't know what to say.
Everything got funky last night.

She was really bombed,
And I was really blown away,
Until I asked her what she wanted,
And this is what she had to say:
A pearl necklace.
She wanna pearl necklace.
She wanna pearl necklace.

She gets a charge out of bein' so weird,
Digs gettin' downright strange.
But I can keep a handle on anything,
Just this side of deranged.

She was gettin' bombed,
And I was gettin' blown away,
And she held it in her hand
And this is what she had to say:
A pearl necklace.
She wanna pearl necklace.
She wanna pearl necklace.

She is so tough, as pure as the driven slush.
And that's not true what she's talkin' about,
It really don't cost that much.

She was gettin' bombed,
And I was gettin' blown away,
And she took it in her hand,
And this is what she had to say:
A pearl necklace.
She wanna pearl necklace.
She wanna pearl necklace.

A Unique Alternative-The Conclusion

Ethan looked at the spirit with mild bewilderment at what it had said. His hand rubbed Clara's smooth butt. He smiled. There wasn't much that could surprise him now in comparison to the event of what had just transpired. With this in mind, he wasn't too concerned about what she was about to tell him. Having sexual intercourse with a ghost, he thought, would likely be the most surprising thing that could possibly ever happen in his lifetime.

As it would be for most of us.

Clara looked deep into Ethan's eyes, in complete seriousness, and said, "Daria killed me."

Clara paused, momentarily, then said, "It happened almost a month ago yet to me it seems like yesterday."

Ethan gave the beautiful, slightly luminescent spirit on top of him a stern look and asked, "She killed you? Why?"

Clara continued, "A little over a month ago, Ken and I were working in the same office and we would ocassionally go out to a restaurant, eat lunch together and talk. We were just two co workers getting to know one another."

"You must be talking about something that happened before I became friends with Ken, "stated, Ethan, "I don't remember Ken mentioning you. And I'm sure he would have mentioned someone as hot as you."

Clara laughed for a moment and then said, "Thank you."

The spirit slowly raised up towards the ceiling from the top of Ethan's hairy chest and dissipated in the air. Ethan looked around and asked, "Where are you?"

Clara slowly materialized, nude as she was before, at his bedside to pick up where she left off. Illumination from the streetlight showed through his bedroom curtains. The light passed through Clara without leaving a shadow on the wall. Ethan was relieved when she returned.

Clara explained, "Daria had just begun dating your friend and my co worker at the time. She had seen Ken and I going to restaurants together on a couple occasions and she was becomingly increasingly jealous. She thought Ken was cheating on her with me. This was pure insecurity and paranoia on Daria's part because Ken and I were just co workers and only beginning to become friends."

Ethan pushed, "Go on. I'm listening."

"Ken told me about her increasing jealousy and I told him that maybe it would be for the best for everyone if I didn't have lunches with him anymore. After a few minutes of debate from him about this, he agreed with what I was saying. So we stopped. We only saw each other in the office. After a couple days passed, it seemed as if everything was alright. But Daria was still jealous, according to him, still thinking that he and I were together from time to time. He told me their arguments about our supposed affair were getting bad. And then one night, her fury over something she was only imagining, took over any reasoning she might have had in her little mind."

Ethan knew his friend Ken was faithful. Even obedient. Whatever Daria told him to do, he would do, no matter how ridiculous or insulting it seemed to him. She was his manipulator and he would agree to whatever she wanted.

Ethan shook his head, dreading what the spirit was likely going to say next.

"Daria came into this house- my house, invaded this bedroom, where we are now, clamped my mouth shut while I was asleep and slit my throat open with a knife."

Suddenly, blood began pouring out of an abruptly developing gash in Clara's neck and splattered upon the mattress. The mattress became soaked with gore. Ethan could hear drops of blood hit the wooden bedroom floor, as well. Closing his eyes, Ethan pleaded, "Please... Stop."

The blood disappeared. Clara remained.

"Oh, fuck," said Ethan, realizing his friend's girlfriend was a murderer. Dismayed at what this meant, Ethan shook his head and added, "Now what should I do?" Then he answered his own question. "I have to call the police."

Clara explained further, "The police have already questioned her and asked where she was that night. She told them she was in bed, asleep. They could neither confirm or not confirm she was in her apartment that night. Daria was also careful not to leave fingerprints, using latex gloves on her hands and small bags that covered her shoes."

"Why didn't Ken mention you were killed here or any of this before I moved in?" inquired Ethan, with a small measure of anger.

Clara touched his face and said, "He didn't want to frighten you in any way and he knew you were desperate in your attempt to find a place to live in this area."

And then Clara smiled.

Gradually, Clara ascended upwards and then slowly made her way down upon Ethan. Her head maneuvered towards his groin. Gently, the spirit took his penis into her mouth and she commenced sucking the head of his cock. Ethan's hands roamed through her wavy, dark red hair and her backside. What she was doing felt so good to him. Clara continued, easily engulfing his manhood inside her throat, sucking and licking upon it until he had a mind blowing orgasm.

"OOOOHHH," cried out Ethan. Spurts of semen shot through her head and rained down all over the sheets of his bed.

After they held each other for awhile, Ethan moved away from the spirit. He then flipped over on top of her, thrusting his prick inside Clara, relishing how very real she truly felt. Almost an hour of passion had passed before they climaxed, intensely, together.

Not long after the sun had risen, there was a sudden knock on the front door. Clara disappeared from his arms without notice. Ethan looked around the room, actually feeling alone this time. He sat up on the edge of the bed and pulled his jeans on. Ethan thought Ken and Daria might have seen something of his in their car while moving and were bringing it back to his place.

When he opened the door, sure enough, Ken and Daria were standing there, with a box full of electronic equipment.

Daria smirked and said, "We found some more of your stuff in the trunk and figured you might want this, maybe, before we see you later tonight." At that point she pulled a TV remote control out of the box and tossed it to Ethan. Ethan, tired from the hours of lovemaking and conversation with Clara, fumbled for the remote and dropped it on the doorstep. To add insult to injury, the plastic casing cracked and the batteries fell out. It looked broken.

"Did you make any coffee yet, dude?" asked Daria, "Because you look like shit."

Still trying to comprehend all of the recent events leading up to this moment, Ethan mumbled, "Just had a rough night." Then he added, "But it was an amazing night, as well." Ethan smiled.

Daria said, obviously bored, "That's good. So are you going to make us some coffee or what?" Ken was behind Daria, looking like he was embarrassed by how she was trying to order his friend around. Ethan looked away from him and answered, "Sure." Ethan realized he was going to have to have a talk with Ken about Daria and what crime she had committed there- after he called the police. For the moment, he didn't want to reveal what he knew or what he thought he knew to either Ken or Daria. And what exactly was he going to say to the police about any of this, he wondered.

When Daria and Ken walked into the living room, Daria glanced around, as if she were looking for something. She had a puzzled expression on her face. Slightly frustrated, she joined Ken on the sofa.

While Ethan was in the kitchen, plugging the coffee maker into the wall, he heard a familiar wail coming from the living room. He knew it was Clara, crying out. And then he heard a piercing scream. It felt like his heart was going to stop beating.

Ethan ran into the living room and saw Clara, standing behind Daria. Clara had her arm around Daria, tightly binding her. Daria screamed again, while attempting to escape from Clara's supernatural strength. Clara increased the pressure, causing Daria to shout, "Get off me, you dead fucking bitch!"

With her other arm, Clara reached from behind and produced a knife in her hand. Daria looked at the knife and declared, "I hid that fucking knife here where the cops wouldn't find it." Ken and Ethan saw the dried blood on the knife and remained still, amazed at the sight before them.

Quicker than Ethan could say a word, Clara pressed the knife blade to Daria's throat. Slowly, Clara pulled the knife across Daria's flesh, splitting her neck open. Massive gushes of blood bubbled forth from the widening wound. Daria tried to speak but her vocal cords were severed.

Before Daria closed her eyes, dying, Clara held the knife in front of Daria's fading gaze. The spirit said, "I found the knife." Clara released Daria, allowing her murderer to drop to the floor. Just as Daria's head smacked on the floor, Clara vanished.

When the shock wore off, Ken called the police department and when the cops arrived, the men told them that Daria had slit her own throat and killed herself. They also added that before she died, Daria admitted to having killed Clara in a fit of jealous rage- which Daria didn't admit, though it was true, but that was what they had agreed on telling the police. They told the cops that Daria felt she couldn't bear the burden of what she had done and had to pay for her crime.

Later, the police matched Daria's fingerprints to the knife she used to kill Clara. And neither Ken or Ethan had traces of blood or evidence of a struggle on their clothes and skin. This meant to them that Ken and Ethan couldn't be suspects in either deaths. With the evidence presented, the police closed the case of Clara's murder and considered Daria's death to be a result of suicide.

Two days passed before Clara materialized again in Ethan's bedroom. The spirit glowed faintly, floating from the opposite end of the bed to lay by Ethan. She smiled, then said, "I thought you would leave this place after what has transpired here."

Ethan shook his head and replied, "Not if you stay here with me."

"It doesn't bother you that I'm a ghost?"

Ethan answered, "No. At first, yes. But now I believe I'll choose the unique alternative of being with you instead of a living, breathing ordinary woman."

Clara grinned and asked, "And why is that?"

Ethan smiled and continued, "Because you are beautiful, honest and more alive than any other woman I've had a relationship with."

Clara kissed Ethan. For the remainder of the night, they continued their lovemaking. And for the remainder of Ethan's life on Earth and afterwards, they stayed together.

Toadie in "First Love"

Rufus and Maggie were thrilled to find that Maggie's Uncle Humphrey had left them a half a million dollars in his will. The married couple immediately bought a mansion with an in-ground swimming pool and began to seriously think about having children of their own. It was all happening so fast. To Rufus, it seemed as if life was finally rewarding them for the arduous task of taking of their somewhat slow-witted friend, Toadie, in their small apartment in Chicago.

At times, the responsibility of being Toadie's sole custodians could be overwhelming, yet the united couple still managed to handle the portly 33 year old man with every consideration since the day they took him in, when his house burned down. In time, they grew to love Toadie.

When the mentally impaired Toadie was first told the news of Rufus' and Maggie's new found wealth, Toadie commenced dancing merrily while furiously stroking his one-eyed wonder weasel. Not long after that, their happy-go-lucky friend relieved himself and promptly passed out, crashing onto the coffee table.

Together, the three amigos would share a joyful existence, laughing, bonding, eating fine food and taking long trips together. Toadie found Disney World to be especially fun. After eating a dozen Mickey Burgers, Toadie wanted to ride the wacky, spinning Tea Cup Ride.

"Yipee!," yelled Toadie, midway through the ride, "Toadie's having a swell time!"

Round and round he and some juvenile passengers went, shouting their delight... Until he ejected copious amounts of pre-digested meat on several children that had the misfortune of riding with him. Shocked and angry, the parents of the children rushed to their offspring's aid when the ride was over and began berating Toadie for the ample vomit he had released upon their children's once happy faces.

"You asshole!", exclaimed one bald headed muscular man, "Look what you did to Timmy's face!"

Toadie's was about to cry at the sight of the little boy's appearance until he noticed a mushy chunk of Mickey Burger was completely covering Timmy's eye. Saddened by this, Toadie asked, "Are you a pirate?"

Before the shaken little boy could respond, Toadie was jerked from his seat in the giant tea cup by Timmy's dad. Rufus ran to Toadie's aid, apologized for the trouble and gave the muscle bound man a handful of cash. Timmy's dad said, "Well, okay then", before walking off, in a huff.

Later, Timmy's dad would spend the money on an overpriced electronic gadget that he would later get rid of in a year's time for a newer, updated version of said electronic gadget. He was American, after all. What was left of the money he would spend on hookers and catch a bad case of crabs.

After the Tea Cup Ride incident, Rufus, Maggie and Toadie were walking along, enjoying the sights of tourists with their Mickey Mouse Ears on their heads and listening to them complain about all of the overpriced goodies Mickey World had to offer. Meanwhile, their children, in tow, screamed angrily about not getting this or that at whatever booth they passed by. Such were the delights to be found at America's favorite tourist trap.

At one point, Toadie saw a young couple kissing and holding hands. The hulking Toadie looked over at Maggie and asked, "Will Toadie ever find true love?" Maggie looked at Toadie, paused for a moment and said, "Of course you will, Toadie. There is somebody special for everyone."

Pleased at her response, Toadie farted.

When the threesome returned home to the mansion, Toadie was still thinking about the young kissing couple he saw at Disney World. Excited about the prospect of finding his soul mate, Toadie ran upstairs and opened a bedroom door and bounded inside it. To his surprise, Rufus and Maggie were vigorously fucking.

"Will you help Toadie find a girlfriend?," asked Toadie, as Rufus was about to come hard inside Maggie's vagina. Losing his focus on the activity at hand, not to mention his erection, Rufus grabbed a small lamp from the nightstand, threw it at Toadie's head and knocked him out cold.

When Toadie became conscious, Maggie was sitting on the bed where he laid. She was applying a a cold compress to his forehead.

"Are you feeling okay?" inquired Maggie, with sincere concern.

"Toadie went nighty-night," said Toadie as he moved to put himself up in a sitting position.

Maggie said, "Yes, I'm sorry about that. Rufus and I were making playtime with each other. And, well, you know how Rufus can be when he's interrupted from whatever he's doing."

Toadie asked, "Is Toadie still Rufus' bestist buddy?"

"Of course," Maggie said.

Toadie smiled and then requested, "Will you help Toadie find a girl, a true love, to make playtime with?"

Maggie agreed to help Toadie find a date. Toadie was so excited that he gave Maggie a big hug.

The next night, Rufus and Maggie took Toadie to a popular night club. They were hoping that Toadie might get lucky and find a nice girl to enjoy for a pleasant conversation. Maggie wanted to go inside with Toadie but Rufus cautioned that it would likely be a better idea to let Toadie feel as though he wasn't being "chaperoned" in this situation. Maggie reluctantly agreed.

Rufus handed the doorman a wad of cash in order for Toadie to be allowed inside. Rufus told Toadie to have fun and that they would come back to pick him up when he wanted to come home. Toadie was given a cell phone to make the call when he was ready to return to the mansion. He was also given a big wad of cash.

Toadie walked in and heard the unmistakable sound of loud techno music. This inspired him to dance. He waved his arms in the air and made happy noises, gyrating his hips and occasionally span around. Quite the spectacle, he caught the attention of many patrons.

One beautiful brunette girl, in her early twenties, said to her friend, "Check out that freak!" Her friend then joined her in a laugh fest that lasted for a bit until they saw a big pile of money fall out of Toadie's pocket.

Simultaneously, both women said, "Wow."

Toadie quickly noticed the money that had dropped to the floor and hurriedly picked it up. The brunette walked up to Toadie as he was bent over. When Toadie gathered up his cash, he straightened up and saw the pretty brunette standing before him, smiling.

She said, "Hi, my name is Chelsy." She offered her hand for him to shake. Toadie, taken aback by the young woman's appearance, could only say, "You're beautiful. Would you like to be Toadie's girlfriend?" Chelsy withdrew her hand, giggled for a moment and answered, "Sure honey, but what's your name?"

"Toadie," answered Toadie.

Chelsy slightly cocked her head and responded, "Toadie's an odd name. How did you get that name?

Toadie stuck out his tongue to it's fullest length. The length of Toadie's tongue was incredibly impressive. Chelsy was shocked. Speechless. She thought, That tongue has to be at least nine inches long. Rich and physically gifted.

She began to feel a familiar moistness between her legs.

After snapping his tongue back inside his mouth, Toadie explained that his brother gave him that nickname when they were kids... For the obvious reason. After making polite conversation and having a couple drinks, Chelsy agreed to Toadie's invitation that she come to his mansion the next day for a swim at his big in ground pool.

When Toadie was picked up at the night club later, he excitedly told Rufus and Maggie that he had found his dream girl, that she was coming to the mansion the next day and he couldn't wait to have his first real date with her. Rufus and Maggie said that they would leave the mansion so they could be alone and enjoy their time together.

The next day arrived and Chelsy, barely dressed in a revealing bikini, rang the doorbell. She was amazed at the sheer vastness of the mansion and thought, This guy owns this place?

Toadie opened the door and gazed upon Chelsy's trim, well tanned figure. The stout, slow witted man felt slightly dizzy, as if all of his blood were rushing to a point below his waist. Sure enough, Toadie's penis grew and grew until it popped out from beneath his swim trunks in plain sight.

For the record, Toadie was equipped with a 14 inch sex organ.

Before Chelsy could stop herself, she exclaimed, "My God! It's huge!"

Toadie, a little confused, said, "Oh, you must be talking about my house, silly."

Moments later, Toadie and Chelsy were lying in their pool lounges by the pool. Nervous, Toadie had closed his eyes, trying not to look at his new girlfriend's gorgeous body. He didn't want to be obvious that he liked what he saw. She remained quiet, thinking about Toadie's wealth and the mansion he lived in.

She turned to Toadie and said, "Toadie, I think I love you."

Thrilled by Chelsy's confession, Toadie said, "Toadie loves you, too. Can we make playtime now?"

Chelsy shrugged and said, "Sure, Toadie. That sounds like fun."

Chelsy walked over and sat at the shallow end of the pool. Toadie leaped and did a massive belly flop into the water, splashing gallons of water everywhere. Chelsy coughed, gagging on pool water. Toadie came up out of the water and said, "Toadie thinks the water is cool and refreshing." Little did Chelsy know, but Toadie was relieving his bladder at the time he was saying this.

"Can Toadie show you a trick I learned from watching my friends, Rufus and Maggie?" asked Toadie.

Not sure what to expect, Chelsy nodded. Toadie laughed, full of cheer, put his fingers around the the thin straps of Chelsy's bikini bottoms and pulled them down, revealing her tender, hairless coochie. Chelsy gasped as Toadie stepped in between her thighs and abruptly drove his tongue deep inside Chelsy's vagina. Toadie wriggled his tongue all around inside, easily reaching and licking her G-spot. Chelsy spread her legs to their furthest extent, leaned back and moaned with her eyes completely rolling back inside her head.

After several minutes passed by, Chelsy's body began quaking and convulsing. Toadie then began licking his new found love's throbbing clitoris. Her orgasms were building up to an earth-shattering crescendo. They became so strong that wave upon wave of pussy juice splattered Toadie's face. Toadie giggled at this and happily licked and drank all he could.

Chelsy cried out, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!"

When Chelsy lost consciousness, Toadie seemed concerned and quickly got up out of the pool and was about to administer mouth to mouth resuscitation. Chelsy's eyes fluttered open and could hardly speak. She managed to say, "I'm alright."

Toadie said, "Goody. This is Toadie's second trick." And with that, Toadie drove his 14 inch prick all the way to the hilt inside Chelsy's blood engorged cum dumpster, causing her heart to explode in her chest. Regardless, Toadie ejaculated several ounces of baby gravy inside Chelsy's meat wallet, while Chelsy breathed her last breath, dying of shock and massive heart failure.

When Toadie was done, he got up, gazed down at Chelsy's lifeless body and said, "Toadie loves money hungry bitches like you. You are all so easy. Tee hee."

Finding himself bored with Chelsy's lack of willingness to engage in polite conversation, Toadie went back inside the mansion and fixed himself a ham sandwich. While slathering on his favorite condiment on a slice of bread, Toadie chuckled to himself and then said, "Toadie likes mayonnaise."