Summer Fun Action

What have I been up to?

Enjoying the summer, goddamn it! After 6 months of a harsh, excruciatingly long winter, summer has finally arrived and instead of being bound or limited in what can be done during the past heavy bouts of ice, snow and all that groovy shit, I'm unshackled, free, even, my amigos, to get out and enjoy. My past problems before kept me from posting regularly. Ironically, things are going so well, nowadays, I've been spending most of my time away from the drudgery of lame, indoor activity.

Well, I do make time for cat fisting and fixing a good cup of coffee. That will perk you up. You shouldn't deny yourself the simple things in life, you know.

In any case, I wholeheartedly encourage everyone reading this to get outside right now and go crazy this summer. Put a bundle of firecrackers in your pants, light 'em up and sing "Yank Me Doodle Dandy" till the neighbors call the authorities on you.

Of course, you gals may say, "But Kelly, I wish not to harshly burn my womanly baloney flaps and my cuddly clitoris."

Do it anyway, damn it! Get crackin'! And poppin'! Add some spice and spark to your life! Show 'em who's boss!

You dudes, on the other hand, might point out, "But what about the charred remains of my crispy, deflated testes and my seriously messed up smoking ballsack?"

Oh, boo hoo. Don't be such a crybaby! Put a dab of sunburn cream on your junk and it will all be swell. Take it from the good Dr. Kelly. He'll never steer you wrong.

Speaking of things in your pants, you may want to watch this. It's quite lovely.

A couple weeks ago, I went to my sister's 23rd year wedding anniversary/bonfire party. I saw some friends I hadn't seen in ages. The crinkles around their eyes and the strands of gray in the hair freaked me out. So I said, "You guys are getting old."

They said, "Well, you are, too," almost in unison.

I laughed, took it in stride and shot them all in the head.

Seriously, we had a relaxing, fun time. It could be because we were all fucked up but I think it was the general mood of seeing each other again and the great weather and the food and the liquor and the dog and turkey face off.

Yes, I did record the Dog Vs. Turkey Match of The Millennium with my digital camera. The quality isn't that great but the content is funny. Forgive me or not about the quality. I was quite numb and it took all three of my working brain cells to find the movie camera symbol thingy on the camera dial thingy. Hope I'm not being too technical here.

No animals were hurt during the dog and turkey foreplay right before they finally made sweet, sweet inter-species love to one another, folks. So don't stress out!

Here's the video clip. Listen to our witty dialogue and be amazed! Watch two wild n' crazy beasts go at each other until the bitter dispute ends with tender, oddly arousing lovemaking! For real! Sorry, freaks, I had to edit that last part out. This is a family site, after all.

Before the entertainment, we feasted on grilled burgers, metts, bratwurst, a teriyaki rice dish I made, earlier, and a lot of other good edibles. We didn't kill and eat the turkey this time. It was covered with too much spooge.

During the course of the day and evening, I snapped a lot of shots of sunsets, people, animals, fire and Lord knows what. If you find out, tell me.

OH YEAHHH! And that's just what Randy "Macho Man" Savage said just before he crashed. Too true. Plus, he had a Slim Jim hangin' out of his pie hole when they found him slumped over.

Here are a few of the photos I took throughout the day and night of the party.

There's nothing like staring into the coals and flames of a raging bonfire. Very peaceful. It really eases the worries of the day and allows your mind to wander into tranquil territories.

We decided not to throw our friend, Marty, into the bonfire that night because, even though he has lost some muscle mass due to his MS disease, he's still kinda heavy. He still weighs in at 150 pounds. We tried encouraging him to steer his electronic mobile chair thingamajiggy into the fire, himself, to give us a break from hurting our backs from lifting him and possibly interrupting our drunken revelry but he was too lazy.

Damn him.

Normally, we would chase after our sarcastic friend, Greg, tackle him to the ground and take him to the bonfire "to threaten to throw him in" but he couldn't make it because he was working in Kansas.

Damn him, too.

You can see more photos from the party if you click on my photo blog, Pics For Kicks.

I hope everyone has a safe, fun, relaxing summer in the months ahead. It certainly beats where we were with that hellish winter here in the U.S. only a few months ago. I implore you to get out and enjoy nature. Believe it or not, fucking around with your computer or any other electronic device isn't all that.

These past few weeks have been glorious compared to what the situation was for the wife and I only a month ago. Hooray! About time!

While away from the hallowed, frankly ridiculous internet, we saw four movies in the theater.

I grade the following on a scale of 1-10:

Green Lantern gets an 8. Bad Teacher gets a 7. Cars 2 gets an 8. The latest Transformers movie gets an 8, as well.

Besides grilling out, drinking too much, communing with the great outdoors and spending money on a laptop for the wife and going out to eat about every friggin' day, I've recently gotten re-addicted to a computer game I played for years this last week. Just one more reason I haven't been blogging much these days. The game is called Sacred. It's an older hack n' slash RPG but it's still a lot of fun. My character is a Battle Mage named Master Heathen. I hate the pinkish color glow that his wicked magical armor gives off but it doesn't mean shit, really, when you take in the fact that he's really great at disemboweling his enemies with ease and setting them on fire as they continue to scream.

Well, gang, that's all I got for now. For my next post, I'm going to describe, with pictures and words, the big semi-annual flea market we go to every year that's famous for it's muzzle-loading shoots, odd items for sale and freaky folks dressed in leather, coon skin hats and dresses (not necessarily all at once) in nearly one hundred degree heat.

There's a variety of smells in the air, you'll detect, during the week long flea market/muzzle loading shoot. Everything from sweaty meat bags to Elk Burgers piled with sauteed onions.

That upcoming post should be fun. Stay tuned! Stay safe! And don't forget to put the M-80's down your pants and light 'em up to show your special Fourth of July patriotism. We're all counting on you.

Note: I'll try my damnedest to visit your blogs the next couple of days so be prepared.

Ask Kelly A Stupid Question

I demand that you give me all of your most stupidest questions, at once, my cherished friends, for I, THE GREAT AND MAGNIFICENT KELLY, will respond with the most amazing answers. Once I reveal these wise and wonderful intriguing solutions to your fascinating inquiries, you shall surely rejoice with gladdened hearts and fondle thyself with much laughter and tears of joy.

Behold!

Not sure quite what to ask??? Hmmm???

Here are some super fine examples of absurd questions that may be asked:

Why is it that when the door is open they call it ajar but when the jar is open it isn't adoor?

What is the speed of dark?

Is there a pill-popping, peanut packing postmaster in Peckersville, Pennsylvania? And if so, how?

When the shit hits the fan, does the fan scream, in protest?

Is it raining?

Can you make a tea off the sweat of your taint?

If the bumbling baker boils his bowls of Bugaboo Broccoli Broth, how many squirrels will smile?

ALL OF THESE SPECTACULAR INQUIRIES, PLUS YOUR OWN THAT YOU OFFER UP TO MY SPECTACULAR SELF, SHALL BE ANSWERED THIS FRIDAY. ASK THE GREAT AND MIGHTY KELLY ANY THOUGHTFUL (moronic) QUESTION THAT POPS WILLY NILLY INTO THY MIND AND I SHALL BLESS AND ANOINT THEE WITH SUCH WISDOM, YOU SHALL SURELY FALL TO YOUR KNEES, SOB AND ATTEST TO MY UNSURPASSED MARVELOUSNESS which will be followed, not long afterwards, by a dizzying array of song, dance and merrymaking.

Behold!

And prepare thy insipid inquiries for the Genuinely Goodly and Godlike Kelly!

OOoooooh, can you feel the excitement burning in your loins???? That's a STD, my friends!

Remember: All answers will be revealed in all of their seductive and comely completeness this Friday- so don't delay with those fabulously fantastic questions of yours.

The Psycho Carnival Award For Originality

I'm more than just a little ecstatic and loopy with glee to present my first ever, created-by-me, award. You could say that I'm more excited than a upright-standing, three-legged weasel, twirling a baton and gnashing it's teeth to the beat of Metallica's Master of Puppets. In the three and a half years of blogging, I felt the urge to produce an award that seemed to represent a quality I admire most in a blog... ORIGINALITY.

This award is given to those I believe who stand out in their blogs by showing and offering one of the greatest qualities most of us enjoy finding in a blog- and that is true originality. I'm talking about the kind of originality that you can tell isn't forced to garner attention for attention's sake or some other trivial pursuit but the kind that is apparent, shown by fresh, inviting writing that is displayed simply for the enjoyment of the blog author and any random Internet surfer that is visiting.

It can be a blog of humor, world news, history, paranormal, erotica or one that does not fit with the supposedly normal (but not really) values of a truly fucked up society or a mixture of all of the above and then some. Whew! I think I popped a vein in my forehead getting all that out. For Christ sakes, call 911 or give me a blow job or something. Girls only, though. My swing only goes in one direction.

In the future, I will award other bloggers this fine, you-can't-sell-this-for-magic candies award another time but for right now, I'm going to offer it to these four fine folks. I won't bother handing it to the good folks out there who don't accept awards because there's no point.

Without further ado, I present the Psycho Carnival Award for Originality to the following bloggers, in no particular order (please save for your applause or masturbatory tribute until I've finished reading the recipient's names) :

(1) Rebecca, from the most excellent, humorous satire blog called The Snee: The Sometimes, Never, Eventual, Express. Very original, very clever. You'll ask yourself where she comes up with this great stuff until you finally blow a vein in your head. Then you'll be sad. But if you get your satiric news here, you'll be a happy weasel once again.

(2) Greg, from The De-Evolution of Man. Always some wild, original and hysterical writing to be found here. He can find the humor in the craziest or most mundane of things. Like the routine a man goes through each morning... such as showering, shaving, shitting and dipping a spoon in the soft, wriggly eyeball of a tied up retard who every so often shouts, "Akibba bu dilla!", without warning.

(3) LilPixi, from It's a Lollipop World. Brilliant, off-the-fucking-hook writing and photos can be found here. Laughs are what you'll get when you read her up front, in your face stories and ideas. The very epitome of originality are what you'll find on her site. You'll chuckle uncontrollably until you spooge.

(4) Gary, from klahanie. His blog promotes positivity with his non-abrasive, honest writing that is often spiked with humor, irony and/or kindness. His writing and photos are completely original and that is one of his qualities I most admire. Plus, his farts smell like cabbage. I know. He kindly sent me a jar of homemade farts for Christmas last year. Had a fancy bow on top.

People seem to enjoy making rules up for these awards that are passed around to show appreciation. I've never understood the rules concept in all that. But for fun, and because the devil is dancing and playing the ukulele by my ear, I feel compelled to come up with a few rules you may or may not want to act upon. Or make up your own. Remember... you're creative... and original. Just don't get too creative or the boring, normal ones will lock you up in a padded cell, in leather restraints, with no pants. That way, they can come and bugger ya in your sleep.

Here be for thee... The Magnificent Rules

First- Copy, paste and display these rules and this award upon your blog, if you so desire.

Second- Give this award to anyone who exemplifies originality, in some way, in their blog.

Third and Three Quarters- Answer this most important question: Ketchup or Pygmies?

Fourth- Write an original thought (or something that seems like a rare idea) or display a photo for everyone to stare at, in awe, that will cause the peeps to fall down upon their knees and smile with tears of profound realization. Or just say the first thing that comes to mind.

Fifth- Give a link to the one who bestowed the award to you. No, I don't mean a savory sausage link. That's the image I just saw in your mind. Amazing, yes?

Well, folks... there you have it. The Psycho Carnival Award For Originality. Winning recipients may place this award upon their mantelpieces with pride and enjoy for years to come. I must go now and twirl my baton.

Yesterday, At a Quarter To Four...

... I furiously masturbated.

Black Friday Stampedes

Ah, it's that time of year again. You can smell it in the air. Could that be Holiday Cheer?, you ask, naively. No, that isn't it Holiday Cheer, friends, neighbors and virtual pals o' mine. It the smell of huge corporations like Walmart and all the rest of the huge chains exercising their stranglehold on the public's addiction to material things with their horrific onslaught of Black Friday advertisements, urging everyone to cram into their store fronts and aisles, crushing one another during the annual American Consumer event.

There will be lines aplenty of the crazy, waiting outside the doors of these stores. Some idiots will be willing to stomp on a face or four to latch onto whatever they are getting a hard on (or if you're a woman- a wet on) for. Every year, it's on the news about someone getting crushed during the Black Friday event.

I really think it's a joke when some stores say they've taken the necessary steps to ensure public safety but they don't, really. A couple security guards at either store end isn't going to cut it. People will rush like rabid bulls. When I worked at Walmart for 3 years, all I could see that they were really making, instead of safety steps, were huge Christmas tree obstacles and sprawled out "consumer-unfriendly" displays of sale items to be put in the way of customers when they rushed. It's almost a guarantee that something stupid is going to happen.

Customers, overzealous and seething with madness to get a cheaper deal, will trample each other to get what they want. This is known, at least in America, as "Getting Into The Christmas Spirit".

Tomorrow morning, it is supposed to rain and snow around four in the morning. At that time, consumers will be lined up at the doors, colder than fuck and salivating at the chance to get their monkey paws on whatever shiny object will create euphoria for the moment. Could be the latest electronic whatchamicallit gadget. Could be a cheese grater/foot massager combination thingy. Who knows?

I think I'll get up in the morning just to get in the car, go to the stores and throw buckets of cold water on the lines and throngs of people. Couldn't be any worse than the usual "Christmas Spirit' exemplified.

Happy Holidays! Happy Spine Crushing! And don't forget to sodomize your fellow consumer with a broom handle for whatever it is you want at the store! Or bash in their skulls with a pretty snow globe with Santa in the center! Your choice. Spread the Holiday Cheer!

Japanese Naked Man Festival and The Great News

I have got some great news for ya.

One, I've had a nice nap.

It was, as far as I can remember, completely dream-free. Always a plus in my book.

Two, and probably most importantly, I got a call from the doctor's office about my bloodwork from my quarterly glucose testing during Friday's appointment for my diabetes. The doctor (actually receptionist-you never get to talk to the doctor) said my blood sugar levels, cholesterol levels and the rest were NORMAL.

I was so overjoyed at this news and surprised, simultaneously.

I figured my levels would be completely fucked due to the overeating on the cruise we took, the stress of moving tons of shitola for a crazed father and my exercise routine being scrapped because of all the recent past events -that my levels would be up through the roof. Thank God, Jesus on a cracker, Zues, Bob Marley, Your Self, My Self, money or whatever fucking god you praise that everything came out dandy as chocolate peanut butter pie.

With little peanut pieces inside the pie.

Speaking of awe-inspiring imagery, I thought I'd share with you a video, below, that my sister recently inspired me to look into. This YouTube video is one that contains very strange content (no genitals are exposed-so you can breathe easy) but maybe it's strange to me because I don't see these sorts of shenanigans around here. The clip features several scenes of the annual Japanese Naked Man Festival.

Why is this dude giving a thumbs up in this picture?

Perhaps if you read on, you will find your answer, Grasshopper.

At one point, it looks as though they are trying to touch a bald guy, in a big crowd. Supposedly, like your typical god, this dude grants you good fortune -by simply touching his body. But GodBoy doesn't look too happy about it to me.

Nor would I. Check out the video for some laughs.

Back From My Caribbean Adventure

Ahoy, Matey!

I'm happy to say that I, along with the other 3, 633 passengers on board the Freedom of The Seas, survived our voyage despite the category 4 hurricane, Hurricane Earl, from a week ago. I knew, the day before the trip, that the goddamn hurricane could possibly pose a threat, but I wasn't going to let that stop me. I was determined to defy the power of the seas, themselves! That's just how much I wanted to go and just how completely insane I am.

We had to take a much different course than intended, but we made it out alive and unscathed. YO HO HO and a bucket of chum!

Indeed.

Instead of going to the Eastern Caribbean Islands, Captain Tor Olsen decided to take the ship to the Western Caribbean Islands, for the most part, with the exception of Cococay, Bahamas.

My wife and my personal adventures on the cruise ship and on the islands were filled with many physical and emotional ups and downs (mostly ups, thank Poseidon) and I won't possibly be able to tell the entire story in one post. In other words, I'll definitely have to spread all of this out in a series of posts. There's just way too much to tell, damn it.

This post will be short and sweet, in fact, due to everyone in our circle of friends and family demanding that we show them all the 266 pictures taken, assorted souvenirs bought and revealing all that happened during our seven day voyage. Tonight will be just as busy as the last four days since we came back. No rest for the wicked and demented.

And yeah, that's me below, drinking out of the pirate skull mug I got in Cozumel, Mexico. Thought it was too cool to pass up.

I know I have a lot of catching up to do, in regards to blog visiting/commenting and I'll be sure to start on that tomorrow. I just wanted to let all of ye landlubbers know that Kelly The Pirate is back, full of renewed vigor, replenished spirit and a hearty yearning to go back to the seas of the Caribbean.

Man Quits Job To Realize Dream

Matt Green is an inspiration.

Thirty year old Matt Green worked as a civil engineer, a roadway designer, ironically, to quit his job to walk across America, a roughly 3,100 mile journey to a destination in Oregon. For Matt Green, there's just something about the act of walking that makes him happier than he ever would have been in his workplace cubicle in New York. In that cubicle, he used to daydream about doing something epic like this.

As he pushes his cart full of clothes, food and other gear, people often stop to ask him during his trek why he's doing it. Is it a fundraiser? Is he looking to break a record? Is it for any particular cause. The answer is no to all of the above.

"Good questions," he has replied.

Reflecting on his mundane life in Manhattan, inside his workplace cubicle, Matt says, "Playing it safe isn't really that safe. If you do that, you miss out on a lot of the great things life has to offer."

For months, Matt lived frugally in order to save up enough money and buy the supplies need to make his simple quest a reality. Along the way from Rockaway Beach in New York to Rockaway Beach, Oregon, people have offered him shelter, meals and money to realize his dream. He has seen many remarkable, beautiful sights and has met many charitable, interesting and kind people during his trek so far.

For the record, he has been walking his route for 63 days, thus far- with about 7 more months of walking to go.

You can check out his website, I'm Just Walkin', to read details of his experiences and to look at the photos of the people and the scenes he experiences every day.

How many of us would dare to walk away from our routine lives to live out a dream that we have only mused about in our normally stagnate existence? I know I've thought about doing something so grand and adventurous.

While working horrible jobs in hot, uncomfortable factories and filthy warehouses in the past, I would often search for a window to look out of for a chance that my mind could escape to somewhere I could call sanctuary for just a moment. Many places I worked at, there were no windows. As well as no air conditioning or reprieve from the hectic pace we were all expected to move at.

One such place, Mubea, was an automotive parts factory/warehouse. They manufactured stabilizer bars, suspensions and other similar parts for cars and trucks. It was the hottest, dirtiest and most unsafe place I've ever worked at. You would work next to dangerously hot ovens and assembly lines, receiving only two ten minute breaks throughout a nine and a half hour work day. After working at Mubea for five years, if you survived that long, you would be awarded a twenty minute lunch break during your working days.

Glowing red parts would pop out of the huge steel oven doors and you would be expected to grab them off of the above hanging assembly lines, wearing lightly protective gloves, to hurriedly put them on metal racks to be later shipped off to god knows where. The stench of the place, no matter where you were stationed, was overwhelming. A true sweat shop and hell hole with no windows, open or closed, to peer out of.

Everyone working there carried an expression on their face that seemed to be begging for a means of escape or quick death. Nearly everyone working there smoked and smoked their cigarettes until they hacked up black phlegm and gasped for air that was filled with paint and metal fumes. This often caused me to wonder if they were intentionally trying to kill themselves in order to leave anyway they could, only bound there to feed their families.

I withstood all the chaos and the inhuman environment that Mubea offered for roughly two months and left, never looking back.

When I could, while there, I would fantasize about being somewhere clean and a destination, whether in my mind or actual location, where I could feel at peace. A place like the Caribbean Islands- my destination this summer.

There was a scene in the movie, "Joe Vs. The Volcano" with Tom Hanks, that actually inspired me to take this upcoming cruise out on the ocean waters.

If you've never seen the movie, I'll give you a brief description of the scene.

Hanks' character, for almost the entire movie, mistakenly believes he is dying. Later we find out he was tricked by a greedy businessman in order for Hanks to willingly throw himself into a volcano. This movie is a comedy but it also has a lot of life's truths in it. To this day, I have no idea why this movie got mixed to bad reviews by the critics.

Anyway, the scene is this: Hanks is on a raft made of huge suitcases, out in the middle of the ocean. It is night time. He has been slowly dying of thirst for days. Meg Ryan's character is unconscious, lying off to his side. He has kept her alive by giving her small cap fulls of water each day. Suddenly the moon, huge in scope, is seen rising above the horizon of the water. Tom's character stands up, completely in awe of this wondrous sight, at complete peace and serenity with himself and the world around him. It's one of the most goddamn inspiring scenes I've ever witnessed in a movie and it's always been a secret fantasy of mine to see such a sight on the ocean waters.

Hopefully, I will. Hopefully, everyone can be taken in and enchanted by such an experience sometime during their lives. I think Matt Green, from New York, has the right idea. I wish him nothing but the best.

I Picked A Booger

Not to worry, folks. It was my very own. Fresh and hand-picked. I told my wife about picking this little green gem while we were watching "Dancing With The Stars". Yeah, I know. That fucking show. Just so all of you know, I'm being forced against my will to watch that god-awful piece of monkey shit that's chock full of either no talent, has-been celebrities or athletes who could bore the fuck out of a drooling retard whose only entertainment in life comes when she's eating a dead fly on the window sill of a sanitarium.

I did like Buzz Aldrin, though. Was that his name? Hell, I don't know. Fuzzy condition and all. I just know he was one of the original astronauts that went to the moon. I think I watched it on TV when I was a kid. At least, I think it was the moon.

But getting back to what's really important here. I picked a booger. And it was a perfectly proportioned booger that was green at the base but had a bit of yellowish pudding like substance on top. Now what I did with this nose trophy was truly most excellent.

I put it in a Kleenex tissue, twisted the tissue until it formed a white missile with, of course, the booger bulge (where the booger was resting comfortably and snug as a bug in a rug) was precisely at the top of this missile. Ready for liftoff, I threw my booger missile towards the trash can. Misfortune laid a hand upon me when my booger missile fell short of my intended target.

"What's that?", asked my wife.

I replied, quite triumphantly, I constructed a booger missile. Isn't it magnificent?

She said, "Ewww."

My wife got me back, however, for making her mildly nauseous. She suddenly stuck her tongue out and wiggled it. Normally, this would get me "in the mood", but then, I noticed a little bump on the end of it. Curiosity persuaded me to ask, "Is that a booger?"

She shook her head NO and finally said, "No, I ripped a piece of someone's foreskin from their cock." I thought, How nice. I smiled a bit and then quickly gave her my look. She laughed at the fake shocked look on my face and told me that it was actually a sore from biting her tongue by accident -which hurts like a motherfucker and usually happens when you're hungry as fuck and you go to take a big bite out of something and chomp on your freaking tongue, resulting in you having a big bloody wad of food in your mouth.

Fucking sucks, man.

Anyway, I hope you can use this important information so you can use your own boogers in such a fashion that you can help save the trees, the whales, the coral reefs and the ozone layer. This has been a public service announcement. Thank you and good night.

Nice Times During Easter Sunday

For once in a long time, my immediate family had a pleasant time together. Normally this is because our family is so dysfunctional, aggressive and so easily agitated, this is not the typical case. Unfortunately, because my sister, father and I are so convinced in what we're saying to be the absolute truth, an argument erupts. But thankfully, as I said in so many words, we all got away from that scenario "Scot free", having a good, peaceful day, full of laughs and really calm dialogue between all of us.

My sister's kid hid plastic Easter eggs around the park on the downhill slope. She also hid them around the gigantic wooden gazebo that sits near the lake while we kept a close, watchful eye on her -not that she would purposefully fall in or anything. My little niece made a game out of it where the grown ups had to find the eggs, for a change. If anyone found a rubber ball inside an egg, that person would be the winner. The prize was nothing.

After hiding them she watched my dad, sister, wife and brother-in-law huffing and puffing, stooping down and gathering the eggs and all the while, she cackled like a crazy little Munchkin. She would likely still be cackling even if good ol' Uncle Kelly dropped dead on the ground during the hunt. Ha ha ha. Maybe not. But she is twisted like that -like the rest of us. Must be a family trait.

It was fun and incredibly enjoyable to see the happy expression on my niece's face. These are the kind of times I want to remember the most.

Earlier that afternoon we ate bratwursts and potato salad in the gazebo. I'm old enough and wise enough now to do things I would never opt to do when I was younger and so ignorantly worried about how things look. "Who cares!", I say now. The reward I took from it, as I could tell the rest of us did, was seeing her happy. Pure. Simple. And dare I say, joyous.

Later on, our family took turns riding the little rides and pushing each other on the swing sets. There was someone flying a big dragon kite up in the air. It was a beautiful thing to see. The kids laughed. The grown ups smiled.

It was my idea to go to one of the most unused, beautiful city parks in the entire world. At the risk of sounding egotistical, which I admit I can be, I think I made a wise decision. I'm grateful and fortunate it sits so close to where I live. I've taken pictures of the park before during this last winter. Here's a link to that post:

psychocarnival.blogspot.com/2010/02/winter-park-scenery.

Of course, it looks green and lush now. The perfect place for a peaceful family outing. I will be taking pictures of it again soon, the next time I take a walk. Right now, we're enduring a freaking monsoon.

Take care, everyone!

Computer Fire and Repair

After seeing smoke rolling out of both ends of my CPU, Sunday and nearly having a stroke, I figured that my computer was completely trashed. I took it to the computer repair shop and told them to call me and give me an estimate on labor and parts before doing anything to it (if it was salvageable). If the cost was going to be too high, I would get the hard drive and other components out of it that wasn't damaged and chuck the rest in the dumpster or elsewhere.

Maybe one of Gary's wee folks at Klahanie could have used the burned out CPU casing as a new home. Who knows? I would definitely advise getting a air freshener in that scenario.

Three days slowly went by before I got a call from the repair shop. Before that, I was suffering some major computer usage withdrawals. Luckily, I had a five hour long porno DVD called "Fuck My Face!" to get me through the tough times for awhile. And by awhile, I mean ten minutes. I pulled it out after that. And by "pulling it out", I mean taking the movie out of the DVD player.

Porn DVDs are boring to me, anymore. Kinda icky, too. Close up shots of ass zits, droopy cunt flaps and suspicious looking blemishes or sores are a real turn off.

The human body, in general, is a real turn off if you think about it. But don't!

In reality, I filled in the computer void by reading books I meant to read, like two years ago and talking more to my wife. The first part worked. The second part... not so much. Turns out my wife's irresponsible sister was causing us some problems which I won't get into here.

As usual, I'm getting off topic (and not getting off on the previous porno topic). :-)

The computer repair guy said the power supply was toast, burned up and screwed, royally. Well, in so many words, he said that. Also, he explained that the cooling fan was trashed. Furthermore, the video card's capacitors were cooked. That, he said, was the reason I heard the loud popping noise before the fire and smoke occurred. He gave me an estimate of $142.00 for labor and parts. Since I can't afford another computer these days, for a variety of reasons, I gave him the go ahead with repairing the fucking thing.

Now the next day, when it was ready for pick up, he showed me the damaged parts and gave me some good news. He was able to find a used power supply back in his storage bin that would fit in the proper spot in my CPU. Dell computer parts, he had explained before, were tricky and often complicated to replace (especially since the Dell computer I have is five years old -which is considered ancient in computer techie world, apparently).

Because he was able to put in the slightly used power supply, the cost of everything dropped to eighty-nine dollars. Hooray. Happy ending, for once. I hooked the computer up and went through the nearly 100 emails that I had gotten since the fire. After the cruise and getting some major medical bills paid off and buying a hearing aid, at long last, I plan on having a custom built computer made for me. No Dell parts.

In the end, I would have to say I'm lucky. It could have been far worse. The apartment could have caught on fire and the "Fuck My Face" DVD would have been lost forever. So sad.

Not really. Lol.

And now, I must catch up on my favorite blogs. Ready. Set. Go!

At Least There's The Cruise, the Beautiful Water and The Islands

First off, I know how terribly late I am in doing this but I will anyway--

Happy New Year, Everyone!

This past year, as least I believe, has been one of changes and extremes- for this world's population and I.

I could name off the election and inauguration of a black man into the presidency, a recession where corporations gladly took the taxpayer's money and gave themselves outrageous bonuses or the heroics of a pilot, crash landing in the Hudson bay, saving lives by remaining calm and using good judgement in everything he did during the incident. But why bother?

But those big important moments and more I haven't mentioned, which the media has hashed and rehashed for ratings and profit purposes, has already been covered to death.

My own big changes have come by way of me beginning to fight my way out of depression and slowly, yet surely, become healthier. It's been a battle. One that I'm just beginning. You can read more about that in my most recent posts.

What I didn't include was the problems with my dad.

My dad, who suffers from dementia, severe hearing loss, an almost complete lack of tact when around family member or others and a verbally abusive, negative attitude that hasn't helped me get better, unfortunately. I help him whenever possible. Honestly, I do this halfway out of love and halfway from the screwed up guidance of my old friend, guilt. I take him here and there for errands or moving things in and out and around his house or whatever he needs or thinks he needs. Eighty percent of the times we're together, an argument erupts during the 6 to 8 hours I spend with him two to three days of the week.

If the argument is bad enough, I try not to speak to him for close to a week in order to bring some semblance of truce back to our relationship.

My sister takes care of his finances. She is his Power of Attorney. She has had her own drama with Dad. For the moment, he has someone else that cleans his house, do dishes and on. Dad has a special hobby, I should add. He likes to throw everything on the floor. My sister and I clean up the little obstacle courses on the floors, still, and inevitably, it will be the same the next day. He creates a monumental amount of stress with my sister and I and it will only worsen (maybe) when we finally get him settled into the assisted living place.

We'll see. Maybe, and I'm thinking in terms of a normal, non-verbally abusive, semi-cooperative person, he will create or establish decent relationships (I'd settle for no trouble) there with the rest of the residents living under the same roof.

Like the post title says, I least I have a cruise to look forward to that my wife and I are going on this summer. I can't wait. It has been twenty one years since we, just us, really went away somewhere. Unless you count the place a hundred miles above us. We made plans with our travel agent for our flight to Florida, the excursions on the three islands we're visiting and other itinerary. I'm even going to try my hand at snorkeling. I can't wait to experience the clear blue water, the beaches and marine life. Most of all, I cant wait to experience the peace of the being out on the water for seven days, look out at the grandeur at the big moon, the light hitting the water. That's what it's really about. The peace.

Hopefully no one or group will ruin our trip somehow.

I might not come back. Now that would be a fantasy!

Unfortunately, the insanity and chaos others have created for me here, have secured my future here. But I can dream, can't I?

The above picture is one of Orient Bay, in St. Maarten. That is one of the beautiful islands we're going off to port. The more I look at this picture (I have it on the backround of my monitor), the more I wish I were there now.

God, to be in peace.

BIG FANTASTIC THINGS BEING DONE HERE! WHOLE NEW LOOK!

IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS...NEARLY FINISHED.... I OWE KIM AT RETROKIMMER A BIG OL' THANK YOU AND THEN SOME FOR THE WONDERFUL JOB SHE HAS DONE SO FAR. DON'T WORRY. I WILL BE ADDING BACK ALL MY LINKS AND THE OTHER BUTTLOADS OF GOODIES SOON AGAIN. BE PATIENT OR I SHALL PEE ON YOU. SCRATCH THAT. SOME OF YOU PERVS MAY ENJOY THAT SORT OF MALARKEY.