Great Affordable Christmas Gifts

I don't know if you've noticed or not but we're currently living and struggling in a recession. Well, at least 98% of us are. The other 2%, the Über-wealthy (those being careful not to be in direct contact with we, the peasantry) among us believe we are no longer in a recession... but they can go fuck their self-delusional selves, of course. Is this class envy, some of you may suspect? Nope. Just simple, clear minded observation of today's reality. Join me for a tiny taste of reasoning, won't you?

Anyway, I digress...

I have put just a whole lot of thought and consideration of the current holiday and over commercialized gift giving season and have come up with some delightful gifts that are simple to make or find for both friends or family. You can bet your sweet bippy that they'll enjoy these special presents for many years to come. And best of all, none of these items will ever go out of style.

Without further ado:

BAG

This simple item can be used to put your stuff in and is especially affordable during these hard times. Think of all the fun you can have with BAG and be sure to note the look of wonder and glee in your child's eyes once they open their gift box and see BAG for themselves. One of the most impressive qualities this item has is it's ability to be taken almost anywhere... except at the airport, where your courteous airport security personnel will happily treat you like a terrorist and give you a deep cavity search just for attempting to carry your average supermarket BAG on a plane. BAG can also be handy as a container for used facial or toilet tissue.

Other uses with BAG include but are not exclusive to: placing over an insidiously ugly citizen's face, placing over one's shoes so the individual can not only keep their footwear clean and dry but they can slip, fall and break their fucking neck and last, but certainly not least, BAG can handily function as a way for suffocating an insufferable, irritating douche bag any time of the year.

TURD

This particular item can be home made by eating enough food and being able to push it out of one's butt hole. It's the kind of gift that shows to loved ones, friends and family that you truly care because it is so personal. What's more, TURD may be used in conjunction with BAG so instead of the recipient getting only one gift under the Christmas tree this holiday season, they may receive two at one time. What a delightful bonus! If you should not want to go through the effort of producing TURD yourself, due to either constipation or pure laziness (as in "I don't give a shit"), feel free to go to your neighborhood park or back yard to find a fresh or not-so-fresh cat, dog, deer, fox or Sasquatch TURD.

What co worker, friend or family member wouldn't be instilled with feelings of endearment and joy this holiday season by finding this special stocking stuffer? Special considerate additions to TURD could be: incompletely digested corn, blood, a bit of hemorrhoid or a dollop of whipped cream on top. Go ahead! Make TURD special this Christmas!

ARTWORK

This gift has a multitude of possibilities and as a bonus, it serves as a way to express yourself, creatively, whether it's handmade and or something you bought cheaply from a very starving artist or took from an orphan child while it cried. ARTWORK can be something drawn on a piece of paper. Such as: A smiley-faced stick figure. Or... A peace sign. Or... A child's handmade drawing of his or her family soaked with well spent tears after you robbed them of it.

ARTWORK need not be categorized as something only painted, drawn or tattooed above one's buttocks. Indeed, ARTWORK can be something made or used out of any one of the following: clay, Popsicle sticks, paper mache, aluminum foil, wood (careful with that knife), hardened mucous "boogers" and of course, the ol' tried and true, TURD. You may want to use gloves with that last one. With 'boogers" there's no real need because you can simply lick your fingers after you're done. No mess, no fuss.

GLASS JAR

Some may argue that this invaluable present is a bit too much like BAG and that I may be repeating myself in some fashion but I disagree. GLASS JAR is a much sturdier gift and is much more efficient for holding liquids and jelly-like substances. No real chance for leakage, especially if you have the lid screwed on nice and tight. Well, now that I've said those two words, I have a substantial boner. Who would have thought? GLASS JAR can be also used for quickly flinging into a continuously disagreeable individual's face. You know, that special someone who delights in disagreeing with you on every single goddamn thing that you say just for the fucking sake of disagreeing with you.

But I digress...

Additionally, GLASS JAR can be used for containing homemade jellies and jams, moonshine, pee, a fart or two (however many you can fit in) or an imaginary sum of cash. For that last suggestion, I suggest you print the cash value of the imaginary amount of cash that is supposedly in GLASS JAR and tape it firmly on the side of GLASS JAR. Otherwise, this unique gift just won't have as much meaning and the recipient will not be able to appreciate the real value of his or her gift and will therefore be somewhat displeased.

Well, that's all I can or care to think of at the moment. I hope I've enhanced your holiday and gift giving experiences with these festive ideas. If you wish, you may thank me for these helpful suggestions by leaving a thoughtful comment in my comment box. In conclusion, I wish all of my readers (all three of them) a very merry, joy-filled, awkward family gathering Christmas this year.

Seasons Greetings, everyone!

Shock Has Stuck Around

From birth to present time, I've always been easily shocked by the actions or words of other people. Until I was in my teens, I didn't say much. Instead I chose to listen and observe people. The conclusion of 40 plus years of observation has led me to the simple fact that one thing unifies and defines everyone in this society. And that one thing is insanity.

Growing up in a small town, I originally, until the time I was ten, lived in a small four room house that had neither a bathtub, shower or toilet. We were poor but we made do. Our drinking water came from an old cistern. A kind of well. When it was later cleaned out, it had these little albino frogs jumping around down at the bottom of it. Yummo!

My only friends and neighbors for miles, until I was six, were a family called The Hogstons. Yeah, that was their actual last name. Their only kids were two young boys. They had a couple dogs as pets... and then some. For fun, the boys, David and Lowell (about my age at the time) would play "The Lemonade Game." If you're thinking that this game involved running around in circles, pissing into each other's mouths all the while, then you would be correct. sir. I even have memories of them humping a family wiener dog, but I didn't know back then what the hell they were doing because I WAS A GODDAMN KID.

Sure they would invite me to play their games. But usually, even while I would say "No thanks," unsteadily, I was in a state of shock. I would offer my own ideas like, "Let's go ride bikes." They would have none of those (normal) types of childhood hobbies.

The one thing they did that really scarred me for life was when they locked me in a cold, spider- infested, cobweb filled basement, with the lights out. I screamed for hours. When the door was finally opened, I was in shock and feared the dark from that day forward.

Eventually, I distanced myself altogether from them and collected shiny rocks off of the gravel road that led to our house and rode my bike for my main hobbies. I also collected matchbox cars and began making these little staple and paper books about the pets we had. I even included my own illustrations. Later on, I began writing short stories about anything. My imagination was great. When I wasn't doing that, mom and I would take walks down the road. I wish I had stronger memories of that than anything else. By the way, my new best friends, eventually, became an apple tree and a cat named Pepsi.

Anyway.... Back to the neighbor kids:

These boys could easily play that moronic cousin's family (Randy Quaid played the father) in the National Lampoon's "Vacation" movies. Inbred cousin-screwing morons are one thing, but it's quite another thing to drink your brother's pee and fuck the family dog. Even as a wee lad, I knew that was wrong.

My next big shock happened when I started going to parochial school. Catholic school. We had nuns for teachers. This was when nuns always had to wear the penguin outfits. (Watch "The Blues Brothers" movie) You know, black and white, curtain-cloth type garments that hung down to the ankles.

One sister was a principal. She might have claimed herself as a holy god servant but she was more like a husky quarterback-sized woman cursed with a bulldog face and heart of pitch black tar . She was also a cold hearted bitch... In case you didn't catch the implication before.

This sister -we'll call her Sister Harker, delighted in punishing whoever she thought was getting out of line. Sometimes, a ruler against the knuckles would be used. Other times, it would be a hard hand smacking you across the face with enough force to knock your teeth out. Ahh... precious memories.

My friend, Russell and I, quiet outcasts from the usual rabble of school kids, were walking to the daily morning mass before school one day. You would be forced to walk to church in two straight lines, never allowed to make a noise. It was almost like marching. Hell, it was more like they were the military.

At one point, during those 8 years of parochial school, Russell and I dared to whisper something to each other while walking down the hallway towards church. Remember: We were normally very quiet, even during recess, on the playground. This was a more rarer event than when Bush Jr. made a correct decision during eight years as president. Suddenly, as Russell and I whispered, our heads crashed together as if the gods themselves had struck us with lightening. Sister Harker screamed, "You are not allowed to talk!"

I was in so much shock, I didn't understand the words coming out of her mouth. My friend told me what she had said later on.

Harker grabbed my friend's arm and my own. What next? I wondered. Public execution? Instead she chose to present the both of us to the rest of the class and lecture everyone on not talking on the way to church. For the crime, the punishment, in comparison, was being made into a big Broadway play, of sorts. Luckily, or unluckily, I was watching the twittering little birds above my head. Tweet. Tweet.

I've never looked into the possibility of a concussion. Ha.

Sister Harker was as big and strong and mean as a rabid sumo wrestler. I found out she turned 95, just recently. More proof of that old saying "Only the good die young". Maybe living that long on this rock called Earth is her punishment.

Part Two of this post is coming up next.

Strange Occurrences

SAGINAW, Mich. — A man who police said was arrested for performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum was sentenced to 90 days in jail on Wednesday and ordered to submit to drug testing. The 29-year-old man pleaded no contest to indecent exposure last month.


My opinion: If you really feel the urge to push your stink log into something mechanical or non-human, why not try a nice ripe watermelon, with a hole in it-in the privacy of your own home. After you're finished, why not give the used melon to a friend?


Not that I would do that sort of thing.


NEW YORK– A small political party angry at bonuses paid to staff of bailed out insurance giant American International Group is organizing a bus tour to the Connecticut homes of several AIG executives. "We're all mad at AIG," the Connecticut Working Families Party, a small liberal party, said on its Web site, inviting people to sign up for its "Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous" bus tour and a rally at the company's Wilton, Connecticut, headquarters, on Saturday.


"Their executives bear a large share of the responsibility for bringing the economy to its knees, and now the same folks are getting hundreds of millions of dollars in bonuses -- at our expense," the website said.

My opinion: Don't forget to bring the napalm!

BRUSSELS - A world record in the length of a queue to a toilet was set on Sunday when 756 people lined up to a latrine in central Brussels to raise awareness for the need for clean water on World Water Day.

My opinion: I'd hate to be the last one. I would be PISSED.


HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. - Police are seeking a woman they said used a false identity to get breast implants and liposuction, then skipped town. Huntington Beach police said Monday that a 30-year-old woman opened a line of credit in someone else's name in September 2008 and had the procedures worth more than $12,000 performed at the Pacific Center For Plastic Surgery.


My opinion: Some women will do anything to get a man's attention (and money, eventually). I hope they catch the vain, crooked bitch and she gets her boob balloons ripped out with a rusty pair of pliers.

January 2008, London's The Sun found a practitioner of a new art form in which a design is inked, with a tattoo needle, into the sclera, which is the white part of the eyeball. That volunteer (from Canada) may well be the only daredevil, or one of a tiny number, but Oklahoma state senators were alarmed enough that they passed legislation out of committee in February to ban the practice in their state. "If we can stop ... one person from doing it, we've been successful," said Sen. Cliff Branan. An Oklahoma City tattoo artist told KSBI-TV that the law is useless, in that "common sense" will prevent the problem.

My opinion: Unfortunately, most people don't apply "common sense" to much of anything anymore. I'm waiting for eyeball piercings to come out as the latest fad. The willing participants won't complain about being blind as long as they feel trendy.

LAKELAND, Fla. - An eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas. The bus driver wrote on a misbehavior form that a 15-year-old teen passing gas on the bus on March 16 to make the other children laugh, creating a stench so bad that it was difficult to breathe. The bus driver handed the teen the suspension form the next day. Polk County school officials said there's no rule against flatulence, but there are rules against causing a disturbance on the bus.

My opinion: If the bus driver can't handle gagging to the point of vomiting on some kid's nasty rectal bombs, then he shouldn't have become a bus driver.

BIG FANTASTIC THINGS BEING DONE HERE! WHOLE NEW LOOK!

IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS...NEARLY FINISHED.... I OWE KIM AT RETROKIMMER A BIG OL' THANK YOU AND THEN SOME FOR THE WONDERFUL JOB SHE HAS DONE SO FAR. DON'T WORRY. I WILL BE ADDING BACK ALL MY LINKS AND THE OTHER BUTTLOADS OF GOODIES SOON AGAIN. BE PATIENT OR I SHALL PEE ON YOU. SCRATCH THAT. SOME OF YOU PERVS MAY ENJOY THAT SORT OF MALARKEY.