Pop goes the penis!

So I offered to be a guest on this blog. I was so excited when Kelly emailed me and told me I could be his Bitch for the day. So here I am on my knees typing to you.

Today you all are going to be in for a treat. Why you ask? Well because I am going to talk about my ex boyfriend’s Penis.

So “Sam” and I dated for about 6 months. I don’t know if I stayed with him so long because I was lonely, or because he took me out to dinner a lot. It is not like we even really had that great of a connection. He was a complete nerd and was into the whole “Dungeons and Dragons” kind of shit! My idea of a fun time is not role playing that I am some kind of fucking wizard or some weird shit like that. Now if you want me to role play that I am your nurse or your whore of a French maid than sign me up!

Sam was into his looks way more than I would have liked. He took more time to get ready than I did. He was so worried about his appearance, that it became so draining to constantly reassure him. Low self esteem in a man is such a turn off! One of the things that really turned me off is when he would dye his own hair because it was going gray and he would have stained black dye marks running down his neck.

Now to the Penis part. Sam had a nice sized penis when it was hard. When hard it was about 7 inches. But when he was soft he turned into a pencil dick. I have never seen a penis so small and skinny as his was when it was soft. It didn’t help his confidence either when I would giggle every time I saw it.

Well one night Sam had called me on the phone and told me he saw an infomercial on male enhancement products. I told him “Babe, don’t worry about it, you are fine.” Well he was an idiot, and did not listen to me. He ended up buying the pills they were selling, along with a penis pump.

I think products like this are just ridicules! I sold sex products for a while and we use to sell this one gel that would make the vagina hole tighter for a couple of hours. Don’t ask me how this stuff worked all I know is that it worked like a charm. You are only supposed to use a small dot sized of the gel. I explained this to one of the ladies I sold this too. What a stupid bitch she was. She squeezed the whole tube up inside her and then called me complaining that she could not even get a finger inside herself let alone a tampon.

Well I had gone over to Sam’s house one day and he was showing me his penis pump. I told him, “You know, I wish you would not use this thing. It is kind of a turn off.” He went on telling me how he would feel better to just use it a couple of more times and then he would get rid of it. So I just let it go and figured it was between him and the pump.

Well Sam was a liar. He did not get rid of it. He got so attached to that thing! It was like crack. He could not get enough! He started to take things to a whole new level and started pumping it more than is required. I told him that I did not think doing that would be a good idea because it was starting to turn his penis a purple color. He was an idiot though and kept on with it. He put his penis in the pump once again and started pumping away about as fast as a fat girl can eat a hamburger. His penis started turning purple. It was not looking right. His head and scrotum started to turn blue. I was all “Um… you might want to stop!” He kept pumping like the fucking idiot he was. I did not know if I should keep watching or turn away. I wanted to yell out, “Stop you moron! What kind of fucking wizard are you!!” All while picturing him wearing a wizard hat of course.

All I hear is, Pump, pump, pump” I am thinking “holy shit this is not going to be good!” His penis did not look right. This tube was only so big and there was no more room for his penis to expand, and right as I am standing there thinking about all that could go wrong I hear a SNAP! The penis pump tore the tip of his penis open! It is kind of like when you put a hot dog in a microwave and it tears open. Yep that is what Sam’s dick looked like!

Of course he starts crying like a son of a bitch. What a turn off! I took that fucking pump out of his hand and threw it away. I thought” This is fucking bullshit! I am dating a loser!” I ended up leaving and going home. I don’t have time for that kind of shit on my watch!

About a year ago Sam saw me on face book and wrote me a letter. He told me how he got married and he has 5 kids now and is miserable and how he wishes things would have worked out between us. I could not help but think in the back of my mind if his new wife knows about his escapades with his penis pump or not.

The point of this story is, keep your penis away from pumps. If not, at least stop pumping when you see the color purple or blue. Or even hear a SNAP for that matter.

I hope you all enjoyed my story. If you like what you see than check out my blog @

picklesinmyass.blogspot.com

- - Love Mrs. Pickle

G.I. Joe F*cked My Satellite Dish

G.I. Joe, America's hero, fresh from a tour of duty in Afghanistan, kindly asked if he could stay the week at my place. Since I have the highest respect for our nation's military, there was no way, I knew, that I would turn the poor, traumatized, soldier down. And as a result of shrapnel blast from a roadside bomb, Joe had received many injuries.

After several days, however, I noticed something amiss about G.I. Joe's behavior. One evening, while I had previously been in the living room, I went into the kitchen to retrieve my cup of coffee and was surprised to catch him in the act of fucking it. I shouted, "Stop it, you sick bastard!" Instead of ceasing his actions, he pressed on.

After not finding relief with the cup, the little bugger went after the stuffed gorilla to give him a bit more stuffing. I was outraged. I shouted, "I demand you stop or you will have to leave, immediately!"

He quickly got off the gorilla and ran away to hide. The next day, Joe showed that he was mad at me by taking a dump on my kitchen floor.

Immediately after his bowel movement, Joe quickly sprinted out the door to fuck my satellite dish. I wondered why the reception on my TV was fuzzy.

Unable to find sexual relief with the dish, Joe went to work on a book I had nearly finished. When the bastard was done, he wrote a note and placed it on the last page of the book. It said: Here ya go, Asshole! I finished it for ya!

I didn't see him for almost the rest of the entire day. Then suddenly, he jumped out of nowhere and he hurriedly bound up Piglet's hands with rope and began using the poor animal for his carnal delight.

Curious from hearing the shrieking of a bound Piglet, my innocent feline comes out to investigate the calamity. Joe is rude, as usual.

These words, DO NOT ENTER, mean nothing to that fiendish G.I. Joe. Look at what he's doing to the base of the sign! Oh, the humanity!

Finally, after days of no satisfaction, Joe took matters into his own hands. Being the gentleman, I shall leave it up to your imagination as to how he accomplished his goal. Clue: Look at his hands.

The next day, he left a happier man. Before he walked out the door, he attempted to shake my hand and thank me for putting up with him, but I stepped back and said, "Hey, that's okay, dude. Just try to get your act together and maybe go see a doctor or something." He chuckled a bit at that, then skipped out the door.

I have to admit... I'm glad he found relief, but damn, he created chaos at my place. Never again will I allow him to stay here. I learned a valuable lesson.

Stuff Is Messed Up and My Hands Are, Too

Whether you care for the music of The Offspring or not, you'll have to agree with the message of the lyrics of this song- of which I've provided below the humorous video.

In case you're wondering why I've been putting up so many video posts lately and slacking off with posting new stuff, in general... It's because my hands are "messed up"- my fingers, in particular. I've got these little goddamn blisters on my fingertips from something called Dyshidrotic Eczema. It hurts like fuck to type.

Moving on, I went to the doctor today, for my quarterly glucose testing appointment (for my diabetes), where four vials of blood are sucked out of my hand (not my arm, since they can never find a visible vein there). Anyway, while I was there, I showed him/told him all of my recent maladies which included the tumor on my foot, the rash on my belly and legs and the fact I can't get it up anymore unless I stretch the fucker out and use a goddamn skin splint. Tasty pain! Zippity-Yippity. And if you're thinking I actually use a skin splint on my pecker, you're a goddamn idiot.

So many different little side effects from having diabetes and high blood pressure, so little time on Earth to enjoy them all.

Now, bear in mind, I'm trying to explain all of my latest problems while my blood sugar reading is at 61. I tested my blood before going to the doctor today after taking my pill and plunging a syringe full of insulin into my rashy belly. 61. That's a horribly low reading. A blood sugar reading of 61 causes you to be quite fuzzy in the brain to the point where your speech is slurred and you forget shit and stand a good chance of hitting the floor face first. Luckily, the last one didn't happen.

The reason I had a reading of 61 was because I have to fast for 8-12 hours before glucose testing at the doctor's office, besides having to take my 8 different pills and insulin, in order for them to get an accurate reading. I hate having to explain all of this to you lucky non-diabetic fuckers out there but I will... because, of course, I care a lot.

Even though I didn't fall face first during the doctor visit, I did try to squeeze out a fart waiting for the doctor to come in and accidentally squirt some milk-chocolaty looking shit in my underwear. Do I have good times or what? But it didn't end there. After taking off my shoe and sock for the doctor and explaining all the skin crap going on with me, he walks out and comes back in with a little baggie of hard-on pills and several prescriptions for my skin ailments. After that, I go into the bathroom to clean out my undies and an old fat guy walks in.

He shouts, "Oh! Oh! Oh My!"

I say, "What the fuck?"

He leaves promptly. Yes, that's right. I forgot to lock the goddamn, fucking door.

Why? Because I can not think properly with a blood sugar reading of 61, you lucky non-diabetic fuckers!

I say this with much love, respect and shit. Enjoy the video. My fingers are bleeding.

hooray

all rights to offspring

lyrics:
Now, I don't know and its hard to explain, but it seems like things are just kind of insane because the world is crying but nobodys listening so please leave a message on my cell phone

I see bullets getting better Biblical weather
And the guy on T.V. is like a total asshole
What are you wearing tonight?
Celebrity fundraiser tight Blackties making wrongs right How's your social bandaid?

I don't know much
I don't know too much
But I know this
Shit is fucked up
La, La, La La, La
I guess it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La
I'm telling you
Shit is fucked up

La, La, La La, La
You know it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La

Now thank God for the media
For saving the day
Puting it all into perspective in a responsible way
With more celebrity news Typical bullshit views
I think we're losing this fight sponsored by Bud Light

Now we're rockin' the casbah
And taking the flack
The genie's out of the bottle
And we can't put him back (put him back)
All this stuff
It's overwhelming my brain
Can't you see the storm coming
It's coming this way

And I don't know much
I don't know too much
But I know this
Shit is fucked up

La, La, La La, La
I guess it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La
I'm telling you
Shit is fucked up

La, La, La La, La
You know it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La Justify the means

Shopping Sprees, RPG's
Ecstasy
Atrophy
Genocide
Pimp my ride
Politize
Euphemize
Injustice everywhere
Apathy
I don't care
Hurricanes
Climate change
Huh!

Therapy, I won't tell
Rehab and LOL
Worldwide calamity
TV Reality
Euthanize, supersize
Death squads and boob jobs
VIP infamy
Gratify instantly

I dont know much
I dont know too much
I dont know much
I dont know too much

La, La, La La, La
I guess its all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La
I'm telling you
Shit is fucked up

La, La, La La, La
You know it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La
The means, the means