Weeping Anus

Sometimes it happens when you least suspect it.  Or, if it has happened to you numerous times, you almost expect it.  It is a highly sensitive condition known as Weeping Anus.  And it can strike at the most aggravating or uncomfortable periods of your life.

Note: Weeping Anus is not to be confused with the mixed drink, Weeping Jesus.  

Yes, Kelly, you ask, "But how does one make a Weeping Jesus?"

Here is the recipe, my friends:

First, add a base of crushed ice to your glass, add 1 part absinthe, then gently add 1 part pear or peach schnapps and finally drip in a mere splash of grenadine.  That's it.  Simple and smooth.  :)  You're welcome.

Now, in order to make Jesus weep, that is also simple.  Just be yourself.

Jesus saw that the vibrator you were using has gone unwashed for months.  He worries over your hygiene.  Please, don't disappoint Jesus again.   

Sometimes, your anus will sweat (thus weep) when you haven't wiped well enough in the bathroom because you were in a big rush to go meet someone or you are late for a big meeting.  At the point, after wiping fecal matter from your rectum, you might think you got all the feces from your asshole, but just as if a naughty elf had planted gooseberries in your pants, you are surprised to find out that you didn't catch all of it with the first half dozen wipes.  Then, wouldn't you know it... that's when your butthole begins to get itchy and sweaty due to poop residue.

Weeping Anus Condition can also occur if you haven't washed your ass for a couple of days or if you emit a burst of gas that falls somewhere in the category of fart and shit.

This can be serious business if you're stuck in a seat at the opera house and you don't wish to get up because you're afraid you'll miss something really really exciting while you're gone.  You also might be at that big meeting with someone important and here you are, squirming in your seat, trying to get into a position where it is the least uncomfortable.

anus

Being on a date with that special someone is another fine example of a time when Weeping Anus just isn't an option that you can entertain.

If you have a chance to correct or try to remedy the situation of Weeping Anus, you should try to always to  keep a maxi pad close at hand or an adult diaper, in preparation for such an event.  In a pinch, ask for somebody's handkerchief or bandanna, close by, to borrow for the rest of the day, promising to bring it back to that person, the very next time you see them.  As an option, you may wash it before returning it.

I've also heard of people suffering from this condition as having to resort to picking up stray animals, like a chipmunk or Rottweiler or even a friend's pet to quickly wipe one's poop-juicy rectum.  Desperate times call for desperate measures and I'm certainly not one to judge.  There was one incident where I happen to be at a location where I could stick a small potato up my ass. Not for kicks, mind you, but because of the much dreaded Weeping Anus Condition.  Luckily, it kept "the gravy" from coming sputtering out, only to dribble down my inner thighs, but it made for long, uncomfortable standing in one spot at my wedding during the next hour.

You can just imagine the look on my face when I sneezed, suddenly, and the potato shot out my ass, tearing a hole in my tux pants and instantly smacked into my Aunt Wanda's forehead, knocking her out in a flash in the middle of the proceedings  

Hopefully, you will have soaked up most or all of the juices emanating from your irritated anus by using any of the objects mentioned above.  Warning: If you don't resolve this condition soon, a rash will likely develop and/or your underwear will be completely soaked in the dirty brown sweat from your stanky asshole.  You want to avoid this.

WEEPING ANUS- it's serious business

ALSO: Here are some helpful links that will help you deal with this condition:

Yahoo answers, WHY DOES THE INSIDE OF MY BUTTHOLE ITCH?

And here's the other one, HOW TO REDUCE A SWEATY BUTT 

On a side topic:

Would you like to know more about The Incredible Edible Anus?  Yes, there is a chocolate candy out there that can satisfy anyone's sweet tooth or desire for decadent chocolate. Click the link, please.

Together, we can combat Weeping Anus if we really put our best butt forward.  Just remember, before you go out your door to ask yourself 3 basic questions:

#1- Did I really wipe well enough so that I don't have an itchy and sweaty poophole before going to work, church or a session of fucking the shit out of that special someone in my life?

#2- Should I use more toilet paper to efficiently and thoroughly wipe my ass?  (Perhaps your anus has gotten bigger and you are in need of more tp to handle the situation and get it under control.)  No one needs or wants an uncontrollable anus.

#3- Would installing a bidet in my bathroom help in these matters to successfully cleanse my anus?  Note: Bidets are nice because they squirt warm water along the inside crack of your ass.  Some models have a pulsating stream of water, gently massaging your rectum, leaving you refreshed and climaxed.  MMMmmmm.  Oooohhh.

So there you have it, my friends.  I'm glad I could be of some ASSistance.  Ha ho.  Little joke there.  See what I did?  Yes, that was awesomely clever of me, I know.

In conclusion, go forth, spread the word of this embarrassing condition and help those in need whatever way you can.  Give that needy person a thick piece of bread (white or wheat, preferably) to soak up the sweat coming from their anus!  Sneakily take off your shirt and hand it to your suffering friend or complete stranger on the street and encourage them to push your shirt down into the back of their pants to absorb the butt sweat!  You could also sing a prayer to Jesus!  But don't mention the part where you broke that overused, hair-smothered dildo.  He might just facepalm and go on to help someone with a deadly disease.

And really, he can't be bothered to waste time with a deadly disease when he can end the deep emotional and physical suffering of Weeping Anus.

Things You Don't See Every Day

I remember the time my 70 year old boss dressed up like a Hostess Twinkie and shuffled about in front of the grocery store where I worked.  The adults that walked by, looked at him, bewildered.  It was hot enough to fry a bacon and turd sandwich that day.  The kids seemed to enjoy the show as they danced and laughed around him.  So gleeful were they, I thought they were going to take a bite out of his costume.

I didn't know who, exactly, was in that costume because I had just arrived for my shift that afternoon.  I figured it was one of the younger guys.  I thought this because this costume didn't look like the type that had a fan or any type of cooling system built inside like some costumes you see people wearing at amusement parks.  In fact, it looked handmade.  I didn't know an old guy was inside it.

Not long after doing his little promotional shuffle, entertaining the crowd, "The Boss Man" became tired.  When I walked into the stock room, he was in the middle of taking off his costume.  I was shocked to see that he was shirtless and he had his big ol' fat floppy old man boobies hangin' out while the rest of his torso was covered in a yellow foam material.  He was wearing a pair of little white boots, too.

I laughed to myself, imagining what the reactions of all would be if he were to walk outside the store like he was in his half-dressed present state.  Maybe he would boost Twinkie sales with some of the elderly, half- blind ladies in town.  Who knows?

Almost immediately, I turned and walked out the stock room door, sharing what I had just seen with a few other co-workers.  I'm nice that way.

Speaking of things you don't see every day...  

Remember those "Baby On Board" signs that were so prevalent a decade ago?

Dancing pig with no back legs.

Did he just tell a lie?

It looks like a delicate procedure.

He looks lost.  He should ask for directions.

You should watch this for something you really don't see much of these days.

Friendship Flea Market (Part 2)

This post is all about the largest flea market in Indiana. The Friendship Flea Market. Here, you can find all manner of things. Knives, buckskin chaps, hats made of animal carcasses, paintings, antiques, spices, neglected children, heatwave, flash flooding, sex toys, water bongs, clothes and everything in between. Hell... Don't even get me started on the freaks you'll bear witness to while you're there.

The weekend drink-til-you-die-while-dancing bonfire parties are awesome, as well. True fun! I've joined in for some really fucked up experiences during those big red barn dancing parties. Just don't bump into any rednecks and accidentally make them spill their beer or you're dead.

Look below and see many things! Enlarge the pic to see what I mean, Oh Ye, who has yet to understand the magical ability to left click a pic with your mouse to see the details of a photo . This scene is near the entrance to the flea market. The horse drawn carriage is a treat for your feet when you're tired of walking down the acres of cement lanes, separated only by a multitude of booths that sell everything. Of course, you'll have to endure smelling the many butt droppings of the horses up front but you can relax for a ten or fifteen minutes as the horses will take you from one end of town to the next.

There is a sign to the left of the horse and carriage that says BODY PIERCING. Can you imagine subjecting your body to one of these "professionals" at the flea market?

I have broken this series up into 3 parts in order for all of you to benefit from it's detailed awesomeness better. The first part to this series on Friendship Flea Market can be found here. It's the post I put up before this one. The famous National Muzzle Loading Shoot is going on nearby.

I have captions with some of the pictures here. Some of them are edu-mu-cational. Others, according to the blog author, are fairly humorous. You decide. Choose wisely or I shall have to pierce you with a rusty needle I found at one of the body piercing booths.

Yes, you can find many unusual things to eat at the flea market. Elk burger. Alligator meat. Buffalo burger. Deer jerky. They even have Sunburned, Neglected Children, created by low lifes, destined to be poorly edu-mu-cated and live off the government one way or another or live a life of crime. Unless we eat them first and save them the trouble.

Check out the captioned picture below. Luckily, some things you may eat here are quite tasty. But then there are the booths that will give you a complimentary stomach pump with every purchase over $10.

At this booth, the vendor will sell you chocolate-covered bacon and something called Sati-Babi.

Now for the first time in the history of the flea market, there was an acupuncture booth. No shit! When my wife and I saw it, we looked at one another, laughed and then talked about the legitimacy of a couple vendors with the certification and knowledge to be able to perform acupuncture on potential customers at a flea market. Then I took more pictures of the circus like atmosphere.

Turns out, there were some folks willing to take their chances.

The "pin guns" were what they were selling at the acupuncture booth. They were too expensive for my taste. sure, I did the demo, figuring my already fucked up body could be no worse for the wear with getting this done. Besides, I had always wanted to give acupuncture a shot. I'm not sure, exactly, if they were actually using needles in this gun that went "pow-pow-pow-pow" up and down your spine and your other body parts- like the top portion of your ass and shoulders- but it didn't feel bad, whatsoever. And yes, I know this isn't acupuncture in it's truest form but it's as close as I'll likely ever get to it. I just know that after a few minutes of Acupuncture Guy's wife doing her stuff on my back (Yeah, I know how that sounds), I did feel like my blood circulation improved and my walking became less of a pain. Seriously.

The last post of the series will be put on my photo blog, Pics for Kicks, sometime during the near future. I hope you enjoyed the second tour of the flea market and will come back again. If you don't, I know that you've been shot by a muzzle loader or ate too much Sati-Babi meat and died of food poisoning.

In conclusion, going to the big flea market is a unique, humorous and sometimes odd experience. We definitely try not to miss it when it comes once in the summer and once in the fall. You have to travel down some long, winding, crumbling roads to get to it but it's worth it just to check out the different people and items.

Friendship Flea Market (Part 1)

I will break this series up into 3 parts in order for all of you to benefit from it's detailed awesomeness better. There will be two posts about this event on this blog and the last post will be on my photo blog, Pics for Kicks, in the near future.

This is all about the Friendship Flea Market. A spectacle to behold! I went here several weeks ago and it was hot and fun. We go here twice a year for our bi-annual dose of all that is good that humanity has to offer.

You've heard me talk, a little, about our bi-annual tradition of going to the Friendship Flea Market, in search of odd and/or cool items or completely ridiculous stuff before in the past. I've also talked about the variety of rednecks, ugly fucks and freaks you'll encounter. But this time around, I'm going to go in depth, share a couple of interesting links and put up some captioned photos I took for you to be entertained by.

The following descriptions of the Friendship Flea Market come directly from their main website. Of course, some interesting data has also been added by yours truly. And no, by 'yours truly', I don't mean you can have lovable ol' me. I'm not cheap, unless you ladies suddenly drop to knees and start sucking like your life depends upon it. Which it might, if I have my gun handy dandy. Ha ha. What a wonderful, acceptable joke that was!

Seriously, I don't own a gun. Maybe.

Friendship Flea Market is not just a market, it is truly an event. The market features vendors of every sort, a variety of dining options, camping, and nightly bonfires with a live band. Admission is free and parking is only $3 per car. In the year 2011, the market celebrated it's 43rd year in Friendship, Indiana. Feel free to observe some of the patrons authentically dressed in buckskins, loincloths, and pioneer garb. Feel free, also, to witness sunburned babies, screaming in strollers, left alone by teenage redneck parents and the friendly tank topped people walking their Pit Bulls, dogs that will gladly chew off one of your legs, while you casually check out the 200 different varieties of salt at the spice booth.

Everything imaginable can be found at the flea market. Look for unlimited treasures including, furniture, knives, guns, sex toys, bongs, one hitters, porn movies, antiques, jewelry, clothes, crap that no one wants, rugs, toys, tools, electronics, lots of leather and related items to the more primitive. They even have books for sale for people that still read. Imagine that!

The flea market has 2 – 9 day shows every year in June and September, the same days as the National Muzzle Loading Rifle Association hold their Spring and Fall Shoot. You can hear the shoot going on nearby while you shop, eat, endure sunstroke and walk through endless aisles of assorted stuff. In fact, the shooting, which is going on maybe 1/8th of a mile down the road, will happen, abruptly, without warning and will sound so loud and close, you'll swear you've been shot at least a half dozen times during the course of a day's visit.

Now, what the heck do you suppose that Sugar Glider is thinking about all of this?

This is the first part of a series. Anther post about the Market will become available in the days ahead. Stay tuned!

Sex Toys Should Come With Warning Labels

I’m so pleased that Kelly is allowing me to do a guest post for him, not just because he is awesome but also because there is no way I could ever post this story on my own blog without having to deal with a very disgruntled husband. So what better place to post this than here where limits and boundaries are promptly scoffed and violated?

So without further ado, today’s topic is sex toys and the bodily injuries that can sometimes result in their misuse.

I’ve been to a couple “contemporary Tupperware” parties. If you’ve ever been to one, you know the kinky shit that goes on at them.

I remember the first time I was invited to one of these parties. I was horrified when I learned that they had no intention of selling me Tupperware. Rather, this was a whole new set of collectable plastics!

After I got over the initial two minutes of embarrassment, I was like a kid in a candy store. I want one of those and one of those and oooo I like how that one tastes!!

My excitement quickly turned to terror when the rep pulled out the anal beads. “Wow, kewl!” It was like looking at a new age weapon that had the power to either strengthen or destroy your opponent. I watched hypnotized as the beads swung from her fingertips.

I hung on every word as she explained how they were used….

Anal beads are used by both sexes and all sexual orientations, and while they can be considered "kinky", they're not considered a fetish. They are, however, incorporated in many fetishes that involve anal sex, ass worship, spanking, enemas or anything involving the buttocks, anus, or the anal area.

The beads may also be used alone, as both men and women can find them very stimulating.
As with all anal sexual activity, the anal beads and the rectum should be well-lubricated with a sexual lubricant intended for such purposes.

Here’s where she lost the sale:

It is important to do this as the rectum can be easily ripped, torn or injured. It’s also important to count the beads after using them to ensure that all are removed from the anus.

(wait, what?)

There have been instances of the string being broken by intense rectal movements. If a bead gets stuck within the rectum and can not be pushed out naturally, surgical intervention may be necessary.

The last thing I want one of my sexual encounters to lead to is surgical removal of a foreign object from my ass or my partner’s ass, thank you very much. I just didn’t trust myself with that kind of power.
Unfortunately I ended up going home with an equally dangerous toy: The Jelly Sleeve!

The Jelly Sleeve will provide pleasure to both you and your lover’s hot spots! Insert your own bullet into the sleeve and then slide the ring around his penis. Both of you will enjoy sensational vibration and the feel of the soft nubbies while he’ll enjoy that perfectly snug fit. The Jelly C-Sleeve also brings non-vibrating bedroom toys to life!

Regrettably, the very basic instructions were lost on me. (Note to Self: Do not smoke pot at these parties. You may miss key instructions on how to use your new toy.)

I did not “slide the ring around his penis” as much as I did “drag his nuts through the hole”. I knew I had done something horribly wrong when his moans turned to tortured screams.

The results were damaging, not so much physically but, emotionally. It was a lot like when you accidentally slam your dog’s tail in the car door and he never gets quite as excited about car rides as he did previously.

I cringe to think what would have happened with the beads if I couldn’t even get the Jelly-Sleeve right!

Saw me silly

Hey Bitches! This is Mrs. Pickle. I am back down on my knees while typing another guest post for Kelly.

So last night my husband and I were bored and surfing the web. We typed in the words “Sex toys gone wrong” and we found some great things. My favorite one though was an article we found. Allow me to explain.

Apparently some dumb Bitch who is 27 in Maryland was feeling the need to be sexually stimulated. I get it, really I do! Here is where she is different from the rest of us though. Her idea of being sexually stimulated involves a Sawzall. I know right! I was excited also when I found out!

For those of you who do not know what a Sawzall is, I included a picture. Now keep in mind this blade once plugged in goes back and forth like a jackhammer. So she probably thought she was in for a real treat.

So apparently this woman thought it would be a good idea to slide a sex toy over the Sawzall and fuck it. Because really, who doesn’t want to fuck a saw? Naturally, her masturbation session did not go as she would have hoped. And yes I would have paid money to be there and be a witness.

I would have told the doctors, “Well, she was horny! Give the woman a break okay?” The doctor would have been like “How long was she masturbating with the saw before it lacerated her vagina region?” I would have said, “ Well she was doing just fine and getting all wet, but once it got to about 7 seconds into it she started to notice this sharp pain and that is when she started screaming “ UNPLUG IT! UN PLUG THE FUCKING SAW!” I am sorry doctor, I did not unplug it as fast as she would have liked, because I had to go and grab my camera.”

The article then goes on to say that she was rushed to the hospital. The sex toy was still attached. They say she was released and is at home now recovering from being fucked by a saw her injuries.

Personally, I would love to meet this woman. If I had the choice to either see Cher naked (Because I am still not convinced she has a vagina) or to interview Mrs. Sawzall, I would have to go with the 2^nd. Because I have so many questions and I want answers damnit!

Like I said, I am Mrs. Pickle. If you like what you see come check out my blog. Picklesinmyass.blogspot.com.