This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.
This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!
Fascinated with old advertisements and inventions of the last hundred years, I've been collecting these images and some of the stories behind them. Prepared to be educated and thrilled with this post of posts. Enjoy!
Sometime in the 1950's or 1960's (I can't be bothered with finding details or facts, of course), The Del Monte company came to a curious conclusion after testing a dozen women for three years in a locked room and with nearly no outside visitations except for the company's researchers. While using cattle prods, scientists encouraged the women that stood along a moving conveyor belt of ketchup bottles, to open the containers of tomato-y goodness with their hands and fingers.
Surprised that women had the same incredible capability of a man to open a ketchup bottle time after time, researchers concluded after the intensive study, that women could open stuff. The scientific community would never be the same again.
While opening a ketchup bottle, the typical woman will have an orgasm.
And they eat it until they orgasm. A healthy and happy lifestyle- guaranteed.
Back in the 1920's, a team of doctors came up with an exciting new way to keep people fit and trim after the eating of their daily regiment of one large bucket of lard per person, followed by the entire cleanly cleaved head of a hog. The idea was so simple that one doctor, in particular, whose name was Dr. Hugh Jass, was so ashamed that he didn't think of the miracle cure for obesity before, he decided to punish himself by hammering his penis to a tree. This action by the good doctor quickly became a fad during the day and soon, every man was hammering their genitals to trees. Of course, while engaging in this activity, it was quite common for men of that era to have an orgasm. This is where we get the word sapling. Remember that!
But getting back to the idea, this miraculous miracle cure, this amazing medical conception... Dr. Hugh Jass and his colleagues found that tape worms were the logical answer for those who were fat as hippos, dining on the bowels of baby dinosaurs and dragons.
Is that a cluster of crab louse I see on Mike's shoulder? Oh no! He may not be suitable for future dating.
Below you will see an advertisement for health rejuvenating cigarettes. Cigarettes are packed with so many vitamins and required benefits for healthy lungs, that they will often be fought over in hospitals, fundraisers and convents. As a bonus, this particular brand of cigarettes would give the customer a black eye as soon as they opened up a pack. The company would generously ensure each pack came with a contraption that would propel or spring a jagged piece of lead directly at the consumer's eye for his or her pure pleasure and enjoyment.
My best bit as a ventriloquist is the part where I can smoke a cigarette and rape this freakish looking dummy in his tight wooden ass until he screams. It really gets the crowd laughing every time. I swear. What's in it for me? The satisfaction of providing quality entertainment for my audience and having a powerful, ball-draining orgasm. Yes sir! When I smoke, while fucking my dummy, I make sure I always finish with a bang and an emptied ballsack.
Lucky consumers were introduced to a a breakthrough medicinal tonic back in the days of spaceships and high tech laser surgery. Of course, I'm talking about Grove's Tasteless Chill Tonic. Not only could it induce your body's natural nutrients, metabolism and secret turd maker to make oneself gain the mass of a wild boar, but it was absolutely tasteless and no one could resist buying large quantities of the tonic and slurping it down by the pint.
There were rumors, during it's heyday, that Grove's Tasteless Chill Tonic might have mild side effects that would cause you to die immediately after drinking it. Outraged by the company's false advertising of their product, a few protesters of that time claimed the Groves company of fraud, citing that their product would not cause their heads to blow up to ridiculously huge proportions and transform the rest of their bodies into that of a grotesque pig.
Angered, those protesters stripped off their clothing and set themselves ablaze with the fires of glory and strong objection until they were as just as crisp as bacon on a sunny Sunday morning.
This handsome young lad is wondering if someday a woman might be capable of opening a ketchup bottle.
Finally, the same kind and gentle folks who created vitamin packed wallpaper paste came up with this innovative contraption for the on-the-go rectal enthusiast. It was just the device the world had been waiting for: The Tobacco Smoke Enema.
And speaking of things for the thoughtful consumer's anus, does anyone remember this invention that saved millions of lives? Why, of course, I'm talking about The Rectorotor. Imagine the wonderful sensation the health-minded consumer would get with this sharp, spikey thing driven deep inside their brown eye, only to pierce the colon and wrap the colon around the harsh metal triangular pointed head like overcooked spaghetti doused with tomato-y goodness!
Some consumers of the day gushed, "I get a soothing warm sensation when it goes completely though my internal organs!"
Safe enough for anyone between the ages of 15 to 95.
I'm gonna grind and churn my way into your heart and through your spinal column for deep relaxing relief.
And who can forget those children of yesteryear with over-sized, slightly deformed heads that got rid of pesky cockroaches and bedbugs by simply hitting a ball with a baseball bat. Every time one of those little freakish fuckers hit the ball with a bat, a hundred cockroaches and bedbugs would perish in some part of the world.
There was a scientific explanation for this but I can't remember what it was. Wait! Give me a minute and I'll extract it from my brilliant mind. Ah yes... Women can open ketchup bottles. So there you have it, my friends!
I'm gonna let this goddamn ball hit me right square in the fuckin' face because it makes me giggle until I piss myself.
Remember when squirrel lamps, made of actual squirrels, were all the rage back in the 40's and 50's? Remember the fun you had trapping these lovable scoundrels from the rodent family in barb-wired covered cages? You would first place a homeless person's dismembered hand in the cage for bait and before you could say, "I'm gonna nail my blood-engorged penis to a sapling next Tuesday," the squirrel would hurriedly scamper, cheerfully, into the cage and begin enjoying his meal of fresh, warm human meat. Afterwards, the thoughtful consumer would thrust his sharpened sword into the cuddly squirrel's head, killing it and climaxing, simultaneously.
Indeed, those were the days!
Along with your instructions on how to properly end the life of the beloved squirrel, you would also receive bonus instructions, giving you step by step guidelines on how to lure hamsters to your asshole.
There's a certain satisfaction in going back in time and looking at all the wonderful advertisements and products we humans have produced. It can truly give one a sense of wonder and appreciation of our specie's ingenuity. Let us bow our heads now, in false prayer, giving thanks and asking Our Holy Sapling for guidance so that we may continue to find new ways to better our lives with ads and inventions such as the ones pictured and described above. Amen.
I remember the time my 70 year old boss dressed up like a Hostess Twinkie and shuffled about in front of the grocery store where I worked. The adults that walked by, looked at him, bewildered. It was hot enough to fry a bacon and turd sandwich that day. The kids seemed to enjoy the show as they danced and laughed around him. So gleeful were they, I thought they were going to take a bite out of his costume.
I didn't know who, exactly, was in that costume because I had just arrived for my shift that afternoon. I figured it was one of the younger guys. I thought this because this costume didn't look like the type that had a fan or any type of cooling system built inside like some costumes you see people wearing at amusement parks. In fact, it looked handmade. I didn't know an old guy was inside it.
Not long after doing his little promotional shuffle, entertaining the crowd, "The Boss Man" became tired. When I walked into the stock room, he was in the middle of taking off his costume. I was shocked to see that he was shirtless and he had his big ol' fat floppy old man boobies hangin' out while the rest of his torso was covered in a yellow foam material. He was wearing a pair of little white boots, too.
I laughed to myself, imagining what the reactions of all would be if he were to walk outside the store like he was in his half-dressed present state. Maybe he would boost Twinkie sales with some of the elderly, half- blind ladies in town. Who knows?
Almost immediately, I turned and walked out the stock room door, sharing what I had just seen with a few other co-workers. I'm nice that way.
Speaking of things you don't see every day...
Remember those "Baby On Board" signs that were so prevalent a decade ago?
Dancing pig with no back legs.
Did he just tell a lie?
It looks like a delicate procedure.
He looks lost. He should ask for directions.
You should watch this for something you really don't see much of these days.
With as much delight as I can possibly muster, I, Mr. Checkers, reporting the latest news on behalf of Internet sensation, PSYCHO CARNIVAL, am here to inform the public of news and information that really matters a great deal. Hold onto your hats, folks, it's going to be an awfully exciting ride.
* The meat found in food items at Taco Bell restaurants may not be entirely made of ground beef. Astonished, say you? Gosh. Who would have thought? If this seems shocking to you, wait until you read the next tidbit of news. Are you still waiting? Well, stop it and move along, please.
* Cigarettes should not be smoked. They are made of tobacco and poison. Instead, use these cancer sticks as decorative birthday candle casings or tools for magic tricks. Click this link to learn more non-hazardous usages for cigarettes and amaze your friends.
* Not long ago, a 93 year old gangster by the name of John "Sonny" Franzese, was sent to prison for eight years. Mr. Checkers has heard of a lot of dumb shit in his time, but this takes the cake and the frosting, too. Why not execute "Sonny" right now? He's not going to live much longer, anyway and it will save the taxpayers a little money by depriving him room and board, courtesy of the rest of us. I say we send the old fucker on his non stop, well-earned journey to hell. Judging by his horrendous crimes, he's had reservations for a seat in the eternal inferno for quite some time.
* I, Mr. Checkers, wants all of you to know that the Great Mystery of The Burned Up Piano On A Sandbar has finally been solved. What a relief! So many have wondered about this amazing, phenomenal event- that it almost made the equally exciting news about Snooki seem tame and not very newsworthy and stuff. It just so happens that a teenager, with obviously a lot of time on his hands, put the fucked up piano on a Miami sandbar because he hoped it might get him into a prestigious art school. It might even get him laid by a smitten admirer of his "artistic" handiwork. Who knows? In any case, Mr. Checkers says, "Good job, dumb ass!"
* Speaking of getting laid... Mr. Checkers is proud to report that he is a member of a species that apparently believes that texting, Facebook and other social networking tools cause new couples to jump into bed faster and get down to business. According to this tantalizing, important news item from Reuters, in the heat of passion, some people just can't get enough of their digital devices. As a matter of fact, Mr. Checkers predicts that manufacturers will soon be equipping their i Pads, cell phones and other electronic thingamajigs with small, yet convenient, pocket pussies and Venus Butterflies for those who are unable to find a love connection by "dickering around" with their ordinary beloved electronic doodads. This type of ingenious thinking has already started to take place, in fact. See here!
This is all that I, Mr. Checkers, has for you now, in regards to news worth knowing about. Tune in next time for more excitement you can't live without and stuff you'll lose sleep over. For more news and information on the downward spiral and insanity our human race celebrates and enjoys, just look around or watch TV or go out in public. The PSYCHO CARNIVAL of life is out there and in here for you to partake, revel in and completely lose what's left of your mind.
As I've said before, on the post previous to this one, we should be focusing on alternative energy sources. Our lives depend on not being dependent on the dangerous energy sources, namely oil, coal and perhaps others, but, instead on finding renewable cleaner sources. Long after we're dead and gone, because we have polluted and poisoned ourselves to death with lethal toxins, harmful by-products and similar dangers, the world will keep going on. It may take awhile to reverse the damage we had done to it, but it will.
The human race, however, depends on clean air, water and food to survive. We can't withstand the garbage we continuously create and put out. The wealthy elite and other corporate entities feed off of our present dependencies on oil and other negative energy sources. You could say, and I'm doing just that right now, that they profit off of our misery. Their excuses do not compare to the certain outcome of our demise. They say they need to make a quick, big profit off of whatever energy is used in order to make it happen and for it to be a country and world wide actual reality.
I say, "Fuck that!", for a good reason. The corporations are doing it only for their profit and satisfaction of their personal and social disease- greed. To them, We The People are merely numbers. To the corporations and governments, you only are what your social security number says you are... which is a 9 digit identification number.
Look at their ads, buy their shit and obey what they say! Conform or be cast out as a social leper! Monkey see-Monkey fuckin' do!
As for their excuses not to create or disperse these free or nearly free energy sources I'm talking about, I say this truthful statement, "People in the past and present have or are creating free and nearly free ways to disperse energy for everyone. For those who will not produce these ways because it is not profitable for them, they should be ashamed, not to mention soaked in oil and burned alive."
I must also add that the U.S. should be leading the way to researching and producing cleaner, renewable energies instead of using the corporate/greed-oriented coal and oil sources we use now. I say that since we are one of the worst industrial offenders of polluting the Earth, if not the worst. Just another reason why the rest of the world's populace hates our fat, greedy, single-minded, uncaring asses!
I am first going to discuss the most familiar methods or sources of cleaner energy. Notice I did not say that they are necessarily cheap. Those nearly free or free sources, I mentioned earlier, I will explain later in this post.
And please... Feel free to look up these ways yourself on the internet, books or other information sources if you have any questions or think I'm lying. Why I would do that last one- I have no fucking clue, you doubting fuckers out there!
The following methods I will talk about first are the most obvious and most talked about:
Wind Power
Wind energyharnesses the power of the wind to propel the blades of wind turbines. The rotation of the blades is converted to electrical current by means of an electrical generator.
The pros of wind power-
Wind power produces no pollution. No chemical processes take place and no harmful by-products are left over.
Wind generation is a renewable source of energy. Meaning, we won't run out.
The cons-
It is intermittent. Consistent wind is needed for continuous power generation. When wind speed decreases, the turbine lingers and less electricity is generated.
Solar Power
Used commonly and presently, solar power is used for heating, cooking, the production of electricity and in the desalination of seawater- trapping the sun's rays into solar cells where this sunlight is converted into electricity. Solar power also uses sunlight that hits solar thermal panels to convert sunlight to heat water or air. There are other methods is using this sun source, as well.
The pros to solar energy-
As long as our sun exists, it's renewable energy will reach the Earth. Solar power generations release no water or air pollution because there is no chemical reaction from the combustion of fuels.
The cons-
If the sun's not shining, solar power doesn't produce energy. Nighttime and cloudy days limit the amount of energy created.
Geothermal Energy
Geothermal energy harnesses the heat energy that exists under the Earth. Hot rocks under the ground heat water to produce steam. The steam that shoots up from drilled holes in the region will power electric generators.
Pros to this-
Done right, geothermal energy produces no harmful by-products. Once a geothermal plant is built, it is mostly self-sufficient energy wise.
Cons-
Done wrong, geothermal energy can produce pollutants. Improper drilling into the ground can release dangerous minerals and gases. Also, geothermal sites are prone to running out of steam.
Hydroelectric Energy
Hydroelectric power comes from the energy of dammed water driving a water turbine and generator. It is also produced from water's kinetic energy and un-dammed sources like tidal power. Hydro power works by harnessing the gravitational descent of a river that is compressed from a long run to a single location with a dam or a flume.
Pros for this-
Water is accumulated above the dam and released to coincide with peaks in demand. Unlike other power stations, hydroelectric power stations can quickly increase to full capacity. Electricity can be generated continuously. It produces no pollution since there isn't a chemical reaction to produce power.
Cons-
Dams can be expensive to build. There needs to be enough water in the area to produce energy.
All of these well known alternative forms usable, cleaner energy. But there have been, as I've said before, people in the past and present, who developed other alternative, even cheap or free forms, of energy. One such remarkable man was a genius, mechanical engineer and inventor by the name of Nikola Tesla.
Nikola Tesla (July 1856- January 1943) was one of the most important contributors to the birth of commercial electricity. He is best known for his many revolutionary developments in electromagnetism in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Tesla's patents and theoretical work formed the basis of modern alternating current (AC) electric power systems, including the polyphase system of electrical distribution and the AC motor, which helped usher in the Second Industrial Revolution.
Below you'll find a video that gives some insight to Tesla, his accomplishments and struggles during his life. It acts as a good introduction to this man who seemed to be light years in his thinking and ideas compared to scientist during his time and, in many respects, during our era.
Tesla was fascinated by radiant energy and its free energy possibilities. Tesla called the Crooke's radiometer a device which has vanes that spin in a vacuum when exposed to radiant energy "a beautiful invention." He believed it would become possible to harness energy directly by "connecting to the very wheel-work of nature." Tesla announced a plan for a "cosmic-ray motor". Whenever Nikola Tesla was asked if it was more powerful than the crooke's radiometer, he answered, "thousands of times more powerful."
Tesla's free-energy concept was patented in 1901 as an "Apparatus for the Utilization of Radiant Energy. The patent refers to "the sun, as well as other sources of radiant energy, like cosmic rays, "that the device works at night is explained in terms of the night-time availability of cosmic rays. Tesla also refers to the ground as "a vast reservoir of negative electricity."
Tesla's first radiant energy receiver stored static electricity obtained from the air and converted it to a usable form. Tesla's invention is a simpler version of Dr. T.H. Moray's device. Which is pictured below.
In short, Tesla was able to retain and distribute free energy with his research and invention and showed the people of his era how it could be done. But, even back then, the development and distribution of anything free was a big no-no to the industry giants in Tesla's era. After all, you can't profit from something that is free. And it's more than a shame to know that we could have free energy today, if it weren't for the greed of corporations putting people under their mercy, forcing us to use outdated and dangerous sources of energy like coal and oil in order to get around, heat our homes and everything in between during our lifetimes.
After he died, the FBI confiscated enough of Tesla's documents to fill a railroad boxcar. They took his research and documents from 4 different storage locations. Only 150,000 documents were released to Tesla's Yugoslavian relatives, now held by the Tesla Institute in Belgrade. The remainder of Tesla's papers are still classified. The government distributed false rumors that "Tesla never kept notes", which was a lie.
Tesla was a household word, 60 or 70 years ago. The question must be asked: Why were almost all of his achievements suddenly stricken from the records of history? Specifically, his some of his most important achievements and research on Radiant Energy? For whom does this serve? Certainly not the public.
There are many other scientists and/or inventors currently working on free energy or nearly free energy devices and research. Like Muammer Yildiz from Turkey. He has created a magnetic motor which used magnets that could became monopolar. This is a good thing. And scientists from the Brookhaven National Laboratory on Long Island have found an unexpected source of clean energy by using their Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider.
For more information on these scientists, inventors, amazing discoveries and inventions- click this link.
Once there, you will be amazed at the many things discovered and created by inventors and scientists alike. It may give you hope for a brighter, cleaner future of tomorrow. Or it could dishearten you to know that these ideas and inventions could be created today if it weren't for the greed of corporations like BP and others of its ilk that demand that a stranglehold be placed upon us in the form of fossil fuel dependency and other toxic forms of energy.
I didn't know peeing, standing up, was so important that you actually have to have this, ladies. But now, I do. Can you imagine carrying this piss soaked funnel in your purse or whatever?
EZ Cracker Egg Cracker is a kitchen gadget that's being hawked on TV as something that will make your egg cracking experience easier. No mess is guaranteed by the company that manufactures this item. It's cost is about twenty US dollars -not counting shipping and handling if you order it instead of buying this miracle worker, outright, at a store.
Hey folks, if you don't have the intelligence or dexterity to crack open a freaking egg, well then, I'm afraid it's time for you to pack it in. Your services are no longer required on this planet.
Goodbye and go away, please!
The gene pool has to be cleaned of morons every once in awhile to weed out the weaker links.
If someone is too lazy to crack open a goddamn egg, then I advise that person to walk (Sorry... This means they may have to exert themselves) into a den of hungry lions or tigers. At least then, they will provide sustenance for a group of wild animals that are heading for extinction. At least they will be contributing toward the good of something. I'm sure the big cats will have the determination to get up off their asses to tear huge chunks of fat from an insufferable imbecile's nearly stagnate body and completely devour them -no problem.
If you are disabled to the point of not being able to crack open an egg by hand, then I understand. This might come in handy for you. I don't know. That would depend on how long this kitchen gadget lasts.
The EZ Cracker Egg Cracker, like so many other cheaply made inventions is ridiculous. And it is indicative of how lazy and/or weak-minded people have become, in general. If you or someone you know has bought one of these plastic contraptions, it's almost a certainty it will, in the near future, be collecting dust while sitting in a corner on your kitchen counter (if it hasn't already).
I came across this story today about an event that happened last Sunday, in Michigan. I just wish that I could have seen this act of human stupidity in person. I would have laughed.
Looking for a power boost to his sled riding experience, a 62 year old sledder got it when the homemade rocket strapped to his back exploded, burning him over nearly 20 percent of his body. Oakland County Undersheriff Mike McCabe said the man, whose identity hasn't been released, was hospitalized in stable condition Monday.
Quick! Somebody break out the marshmallows and I'll go grab a couple sticks! The fire is still burning pretty good!
The crazy ol' man was hosting a Sunday night sledding party when he filled an automobile muffler with gasoline and gunpowder, strapped it to his back and had it lit, seeking what McCabe called "a rocket-launch effect."
Instead, I believe, he got the "Holy-shit-my-goddamn-back-is-half-gone-and-I'm-on-fire-effect."
The device blew up as the man headed downhill, causing second-degree burns to his face and right side of his body and possible eye damage.
This story kinda reminds me of when Chevy Chase oiled up the bottom of his metal sled in the movie, "Christmas Vacation." One of my faves. Zooom! Pow! Only this guy was more of an imbecile because he basically strapped a freaking bomb to his back. HA HA HA.
No charges have been filed against the man, whom McCabe said is known for doing "outrageous things" at his sledding parties.No shit. I bet he'd be fun for entertaining at kid's parties... or adult parties, for that matter -as long as he's far, far away from the house, car and the rest of the property. If he damages or sets himself on fire, that's cool, though. Maybe next time he could wrestle a polar bear, while naked.
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The other night, I went to my sister and her family's place. They had just buried their cat, Bully. Bully was a true hunting cat. He would catch pretty much anything on four legs. Mice. Moles. Possums. Raccoons. You name it. He even chased a friend of mine out of the house one time. That was the one time when he went after a two-legged creature.
Bully was a lovable cat, too. Everyone who knew him will miss him. He had more character and bravery than most people do.
Anyway, my sister decided to put him to sleep. He was in too much pain from all the injuries he had endured (such as losing his tail, teeth, chunks of his ears, claws and so on) over his many years. After burying him in their "pet cemetery", my dad, my friend, Jeep and I were looking at the moon and discussing the images we saw in the moon. Most people in the world claim to see either a man's face, a lady or a rabbit.
If you've seen anything besides these "classic 3", let me know.
Now here is a partial picture of a wooden door.
Now, I see the side of an orc's head. You know- orc- as in an orc from the "Lord of The Rings" movies, Dungeons & Dragons or the Warcraft games. See the big eye? The teeth? The upturned nose? The pointed ear? If you see something else, let me know.
Maybe you need a drink first.
Some people don't see images in anything- like clouds, for instance. They lack the imagination. Perhaps the logical part of their minds won't allow for it.
Many people only see around them what they want to see. Maybe they see only what fits into their agenda. I have no idea.
An example of this would be how people see you and how you see yourself. Which do you think is more important?
After checking out the moon and talking for awhile, everyone went inside the house and had some of my sister's cranberry-almond cheesecake.
I didn't think I would like it, at first, because I hate cranberries. But then, I took a bite and it was so good, I had another piece. Whoever invented this recipe, originally, created something truly pleasing for the masses.
Unlike this invention.
I guess this invention is to be employed to keep you standing upright, in case you are falling asleep and standing in a dangerous environment, such as a building construction site. This woman's hard hat would suggest this. But the rest of her suit doesn't really fit what she's modeling for. She appears to be wearing office apparel. As for myself, if I was at a busy construction site, I don't believe I could nod off with all the loud machinery and the possible heavy building parts falling all around me.
But someone thought this was a good enough idea to try to market it. But how much ingenuity does it take to attach a toilet plunger to a helmet?
PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING when it comes to the minds of the human race. It effects your opinion and the decisions you make.
Take this optical illusion, as another example. The afterimages of the complementary colors create movement in your peripheral vision as your eyes shift across the image.
I see those big wheels uh turnin'-turnin'-turnin'. I think that's from a Johnny Cash song. Now that was a guy with exceptional perception. He saw the truth of life, wrote about it and sung it for the masses. And it was pleasing.
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