Strange Ads and Products of Yesteryear

Fascinated with old advertisements and inventions of the last hundred years, I've been collecting these images and some of the stories behind them.  Prepared to be educated and thrilled with this post of posts.  Enjoy!

Sometime in the 1950's or 1960's (I can't be bothered with finding details or facts, of course), The Del Monte company came to a curious conclusion after testing a dozen women for three years in a locked room and with nearly no outside visitations except for the company's researchers.  While using cattle prods, scientists encouraged the women that stood along a moving conveyor belt of ketchup bottles, to open the containers of tomato-y goodness with their hands and fingers.

Surprised that women had the same incredible capability of a man to open a ketchup bottle time after time, researchers concluded after the intensive study, that women could open stuff.  The scientific community would never be the same again.

While opening a ketchup bottle, the typical woman will have an orgasm.

And they eat it until they orgasm.  A healthy and happy lifestyle- guaranteed.

Back in the 1920's, a team of doctors came up with an exciting new way to keep people fit and trim after the eating of their daily regiment of one large bucket of lard per person, followed by the entire cleanly cleaved head of a hog.  The idea was so simple that one doctor, in particular, whose name was Dr. Hugh Jass, was so ashamed that he didn't think of the miracle cure for obesity before, he decided to punish himself by hammering his penis to a tree.  This action by the good doctor quickly became a fad during the day and soon, every man was hammering their genitals to trees.  Of course, while engaging in this activity, it was quite common for men of that era to have an orgasm.  This is where we get the word sapling.  Remember that!

But getting back to the idea, this miraculous miracle cure, this amazing medical conception... Dr. Hugh Jass and his colleagues found that tape worms were the logical answer for those who were fat as hippos, dining on the bowels of baby dinosaurs and dragons.

Is that a cluster of crab louse I see on Mike's shoulder?  Oh no!  He may not be suitable for future dating.

Below you will see an advertisement for health rejuvenating cigarettes.  Cigarettes are packed with so many vitamins and required benefits for healthy lungs, that they will often be fought over in hospitals, fundraisers and convents.  As a bonus, this particular brand of cigarettes would give the customer a black eye as soon as they opened up a pack.  The company would generously ensure each pack came with a contraption that would propel or spring a jagged piece of lead directly at the consumer's eye for his or her pure pleasure and enjoyment.

My best bit as a ventriloquist is the part where I can smoke a cigarette and rape this freakish looking dummy in his tight wooden ass until he screams.  It really gets the crowd laughing every time.  I swear.  What's in it for me?  The satisfaction of providing quality entertainment for my audience and having a powerful, ball-draining orgasm.  Yes sir!  When I smoke, while fucking my dummy, I make sure I always finish with a bang and an emptied ballsack.

Lucky consumers were introduced to a a breakthrough medicinal tonic back in the days of spaceships and high tech laser surgery.  Of course, I'm talking about Grove's Tasteless Chill Tonic.  Not only could it induce your body's natural nutrients, metabolism and secret turd maker to make oneself gain the mass of a wild boar, but it was absolutely tasteless and no one could resist buying large quantities of the tonic and slurping it down by the pint.

There were rumors, during it's heyday, that Grove's Tasteless Chill Tonic might have mild side effects that would cause you to die immediately after drinking it.  Outraged by the company's false advertising of their product, a few protesters of that time claimed the Groves company of fraud, citing that their product would not cause their heads to blow up to ridiculously huge proportions and transform the rest of their bodies into that of a grotesque pig.

Angered, those protesters stripped off their clothing and set themselves ablaze with the fires of glory and strong objection until they were as just as crisp as bacon on a sunny Sunday morning.

This handsome young lad is wondering if someday a woman might be capable of opening a ketchup bottle.

Finally, the same kind and gentle folks who created vitamin packed wallpaper paste came up with this innovative contraption for the on-the-go rectal enthusiast.  It was just the device the world had been waiting for: The Tobacco Smoke Enema.

And speaking of things for the thoughtful consumer's anus, does anyone remember this invention that saved millions of lives?  Why, of course, I'm talking about The Rectorotor.  Imagine the wonderful sensation the health-minded consumer would get with this sharp, spikey thing driven deep inside their brown eye, only to pierce the colon and wrap the colon around the harsh metal triangular pointed head like overcooked spaghetti doused with tomato-y goodness!

Some consumers of the day gushed, "I get a soothing warm sensation when it goes completely though my internal organs!"

Safe enough for anyone between the ages of 15 to 95.

I'm gonna grind and churn my way into your heart and through your spinal column for deep relaxing relief.

And who can forget those children of yesteryear with over-sized, slightly deformed heads that got rid of pesky cockroaches and bedbugs by simply hitting a ball with a baseball bat.  Every time one of those little freakish fuckers hit the ball with a bat, a hundred cockroaches and bedbugs would perish in some part of the world.

There was a scientific explanation for this but I can't remember what it was.  Wait! Give me a minute and I'll extract it from my brilliant mind.  Ah yes... Women can open ketchup bottles.  So there you have it, my friends!

I'm gonna let this goddamn ball hit me right square in the fuckin' face because it makes me giggle until I piss myself.

Remember when squirrel lamps, made of actual squirrels, were all the rage back in the 40's and 50's?  Remember the fun you had trapping these lovable scoundrels from the rodent family in barb-wired covered cages?  You would first place a homeless person's dismembered hand in the cage for bait and before you could say, "I'm gonna nail my blood-engorged penis to a sapling next Tuesday," the squirrel would hurriedly scamper, cheerfully, into the cage and begin enjoying his meal of fresh, warm human meat.  Afterwards, the thoughtful consumer would thrust his sharpened sword into the cuddly squirrel's head, killing it and climaxing, simultaneously.

Indeed, those were the days!

Along with your instructions on how to properly end the life of the beloved squirrel, you would also receive bonus instructions, giving you step by step guidelines on how to lure hamsters to your asshole.

  

There's a certain satisfaction in going back in time and looking at all the wonderful advertisements and products we humans have produced.  It can truly give one a sense of wonder and appreciation of our specie's ingenuity.  Let us bow our heads now, in false prayer, giving thanks and asking Our Holy Sapling for guidance so that we may continue to find new ways to better our lives with ads and inventions such as the ones pictured and described above.  Amen.

What Is Considered Newsworthy

I gotta be honest. I've been so bogged down with family problems, I haven't felt much like blogging or going on the Internet. Of course, I have to check my family/friends email account for the latest drama. Wedged in between that sort of stuff are the inane forwards I get. A few are funny. Most are shit I can't delete quick enough. You know the type.

Prayers

Cutesy pics of puppies and kitties

Lame jokes

Chain mails

Stories that are supposedly inspirational

When I do get on the net, I'm usually looking for things worth looking at and that serve as a temporary distraction from my insane reality. The temporary distractions have to qualify as something substantial, however. And by substantial, I mean it has to offer either real humor, newsworthy stories or solid entertainment. And by solid entertainment, I don't mean something like a goofy, obviously scripted Reality TV show where a thing called a Snooki has a nonsensical argument with another sub human thing that appears as if it has dipped it's face in a large vat of make up.

If (un)Reality TV shows aren't one of the signs of the End Times for the human race, I'll be surprised. These morons and anyone stupid enough to watch this shit should be deleted, as well.

What I still find amusing, annoying, sad and mind boggling is what passes as news these days.

I was checking out this website and it has given out, what they believe, are guidelines to what makes a story newsworthy. I don't agree with a few of these supposed factors that makes news worthy of conveying to the masses. For example:

Prominence

Where they say that famous people should get more coverage just because they're famous. For an example, they gave the possible scenario where the Queen of England breaks her arm. That's news- to them. Not to me. I don't care what celebrity, politician or Oompa Loompa breaks their dick or ruptures a spleen. That's a private medical matter that's boring to me, personally. That bit of news I heard the other day about the Queen throwing a hissy fit over Prince William not consulting with her over his wedding details was an example of stupidity for many reasons. For one, that's a personal family thing that the media didn't need to say anything about. And two, Prince William should have told her that it's his and his fiancee's wedding and the Queen should go act like she's important somewhere else. I might also add that he should tell the bitter old nosy bitch to shove her asinine complaints way up her royal hoo hoo.

Suck on that, Grandmummy!

Timing or state of currency, according to the same website's authors is a big factor, too, as far as something being newsworthy. For me, that isn't as crucial as the content. Something substantial that happened a month ago may be something I haven't heard about yet- and want to know about. And certainly, when you're watching Network TV news, half of the time you're not watching anything substantial, anyway. More often than not, you'll receive a deluge of information about the antics of a celebrity (like Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan) and how they've gotten drunk, coked up, got naked on a merry-go-round and had sex with three albino midgets earlier that day. Or something like that. Who cares? That's on them. I don't care how many times they've gone through rehab. That's their personal business.

I know celebrity bullshit "news" is manna from heaven for the ignorant, but goddamn, does it have to be everywhere all the time? Give me a break! By the way, for all you folks living in Great Britain, that's America's sorry excuse for royalty-Celebrities. At least for some retards.

Bottom line: I'd rather hear, read or see significant news at the expense of up to the minute current news that is actually insignificant.

The Following Is Also Not News:

*Politicians bickering with other politicians in an endless stalemate of interests and agendas.

*Reports of doctors saying that eating too much of this or that is unhealthy and then contradicting themselves three months later to say eating this or that is okay again.

*Who, exactly, won the big million dollar lottery. I'm sure the person winning that lottery really wants their name announced so everyone can badger them for money.

*The latest electronic gadget

*High school sports game scores

*Anything having to do with Facebook, especially the nerdy boy Facebook creator, Mark Fuckburger (or whatever his name is). It's hard to believe they made Fuckburger "Person of The Year" in some popular U.S. magazine. Has he even gone through puberty yet?

*Biased opinions

*And more I can't think of at the moment because the coffee buzz is starting to wear off.

Like I've mentioned once before on this blog, Network TV news is (at least here in the U.S.) usually motivated by cross sector partnerships of big corporations, politicians with self serving agendas and self interest groups. You're only allowed to see what they want you to see. I'm not a conspiracy freak. You just have to do a bit of research to see who's owned by whom or who's being manipulated by whom. Reporters are paid their salaries to not say certain things against their employers/corporations. When you compare some of the more truthful and revealing news sources you can find on the Internet to the news you see on TV, those Internet news sources are more often accurate or dead on accurate. Not always, but the ones I check out are usually reliable.

The Following Subjects Are News:

*The deaths and strife of a mass of people (e.g. Haiti earthquake of last year, Flooding in Australia, The recession and unemployment issues, Wars). When major news corporations report about events such as this, they will usually stop reporting about it when the "next big news item" comes along, long before the strife or devastation has ended for the suffering populace in the region affected.

*REAL technological, scientific, medical breakthroughs that greatly improve or save people's lives.

*Climate change, environmental pollution.

*Positive solutions toward getting away from our dependency on coal and fossil fuels.

*Everyday people saving others' lives.

*And more I can't think of because the coffee buzz has completely worn off now.

But I think you get the picture, or at the very least, my point of view of what is truly newsworthy and what the media, in all it's varied forms, considers news. Your perspective may be different and I respect that. What I won't respect or tolerate is an organization or media outlet that is so completely biased that they will report something that is misleading or a total falsehood. And yeah, I know certain news is reported for reasons of ratings and/or greed- but that doesn't mean it's right and should be accepted.

When will people learn?

The Dropa Stones and The Dropa People

I've always found "ancient alien" theories fascinating. And I find, with more and more information, ancient texts and artifacts surfacing up from our past, that the probability of an alien race visiting Earth long ago is pretty damn high. I've read and heard what the naysayers say and have written and I still find it odd that they continue to be incredibly close minded. My motto has always been: Nothing is 100%, absolutely concrete. What was true yesterday may be suddenly or gradually studied to be found false today. You see it all the time.

Authors and others in the past and present have written and told of many encounters human civilization has had with ancient astronauts or ancient aliens that have visited Earth. There are those who believe that this contact is connected with the origins or development of human cultures, technologies and religions.

I've talked about this subject before in a previous post, showing artwork of the past that uncannily seems to exhibit alien spacecraft, technology and a connection to those who may have witnessed such phenomena.

I've been doing research on the net about The Dropa Stones. Maybe you've heard of them. There's no way for me to tell unless you let me in on that. Regardless, here's what I've found out about these intriguing artifacts found over 40 years ago:

The Dropa Stones, 716 disc plates or disks, were first discovered in 1938, when a archaeological expedition led by Chi Pu Tei, stumbled across a cave high in the mountains that border China and Tibet.

It was obvious to the archaeologists that the cave had been occupied by primitive people from long ago. This cave is said to be around 10 - 12,000 years old. This cave also connected to other caves that were more like a complex system of tunnels and underground store rooms than anything else.

The walls of the caves were squared and glazed. They described them as if they were actually cut into the mountain with a source of extreme heat.

On the walls of the caves were carved pictograms of the heavens, the Earth, the sun, the moon and the stars. Each were connected with lines.

The most incredible discovery, half-buried beneath the floor of the cave, was an odd stone disk, which was approximately nine inches in diameter and three quarters of an inch thick. In the center was a perfect 3/4″ hole, with a fine groove spiralling out from the center, resembling that of an old phonograph record.

The groove, on further inspection, was a continuous line of weird carved hieroglyphic writing.

Dr. Tsum Um Nui, in 1962, had the difficult task of transcribing the character from the disks to paper.

He estimated that they were at least 12,000 years old, with writing so small he had to use a magnifying glass to see it clearly, much of the writing had worn away, but he was so puzzled at how these primitive people could of created these stones and how they managed the almost microscopic writing.

Eventually the doctor made progress and a word emerged, then another and another until he made out an entire sentence. Incredibly, he had broken the code.

Dr. Tsum Um Nui, discovered that the stones were written by a people who called themselves, the “Dropa”, but what he was reading 12,000 years later didn't make much sense to him. However, when he had finished his translation, he wrote up a paper on his findings and presented it to the University for publication. The reaction he received was not what he expected.

The Peking Academy of Prehistory expressly forbade the doctor to publish or even speak about his findings. The world, the Academy decided, would not know about the “Dropa” and their fateful journey to Earth. The information could bring about disastrous socio-economic consequences, according to the academy. Eventually, against their will or with their approval... No one is absolutely sure... Dr. Tsum Um Nui did, in fact, publish his findings and entitled it "The Grooved Script Concerning Spaceships Which, as Recorded on the Discs, Landed on Earth 12,000 Years Ago." Admittedly, a long freakin' title. The important thing is, is that he believed in his work enough to get it out to the public.

In his published findings, Dr. Tsum Um Nui related the following:

The Dropa Stones tell an amazing story of an alien space probe from a distant planet that crash landed in the mountains of the Himalayas of which the occupants of the space craft, the Dropa, found refuge in the caves of the Baian-Kara-Ula mountains. The members of the Han tribe, whom were occupying neighboring caves, were fearful of the Dropas, and misunderstood their intentions. In turn the Han tribe hunted down the aliens, killing some in the process.

Here is an excerpt from one of the transcribed stones: "The Dropa came down from the clouds in their aircraft. Our men, women, and children hid in the caves ten times before sunrise. When at last they understood the sign language of the Dropa, they realized that the newcomers had peaceful intentions...."

The Dropa Stones then go on to say that the Dropas became stranded on Earth when they were unable to repair their disabled craft. Not being able to return to their home planet they learned from the Han tribe how to survive.

Interestingly enough, there is also an ancient Chinese tale that tells of small, slender people of a yellow hue that descended to the Earth from the clouds and who were shunned by everyone because of their ugliness. Today, the isolated mountain region of the Himalayans is inhabited by two tribes of people- the Dropa and the Han. No one in the scientific community has been able to prove that either tribe is of any known race on Earth. They are of neither Chinese nor Tibetan descent.

Another wild thing about this is that their heights don't exceed 3 ft 6 in and they weigh no more than between 38-52 pounds. The physical features correspond exactly to the skeletal remains found in the caves in 1938. The Dropa clan has unique features in that they are extremely thin, have disproportionate large heads, are yellow in color and have sparse hair on their bodies. Even more convincing that the Dropa have some relationship to the people who made the Dropa stone is that they have large inset eyes that are not Asian in aspect, but have pale blue irises.

In 1968, 6 years after Tsum Um Nui decoded the Dropa stones, a Russian scientist, W. Saitsew, conducted scientific tests on the disks that yielded some very interesting and peculiar results. The physical properties of the disks contained high concentrations of cobalt and other metals. This combination of metals would have made the stone so hard that it would have been virtually impossible for the primitive people to carve the hieroglyphs, especially with such small characters. When the discs had been tested with an oscillograph, it was discovered that the discs had once been electrically charged and had functioned as electrical conductors as well. When placed on a special turntable they vibrated or hummed in an unusual rhythm as though an electric charge was passing through them. Like some part of an electrical circuit? Who knows?

Who knows, for sure, about any of this? And I guess that's my point. Why completely close your mind that it did not happen? To me, that's just as "wacky" as saying that all of it did happen just that way, for certain. The thing is this: The story of the Dropa Stones and the Dropa people is just one of a number of stories from ancient cultures that claim their descendents came to Earth from the heavens. And having an open mind about this and any other seemingly impossible phenomena, I believe, will only allow you to grow in wisdom.

Discovery of Habitable Planet

Last month, a group of astronomers reported that a new planet, likely habitable, has been found by using regular sized telescopes. They say they can see that the planet has a lot of water despite it's high temperature. The astronomers head up a project called MEarth. It's a low budget project. Nothing like the multi-billion dollar projects Nasa has going on.

Space entrepreneur Jeff Manber says, "The planet is close – it’s 40 light years away. It’s not that hot – 400 degrees – and it has water, it seems to have an atmosphere."

In the video interview below, Manber, when asked why this an amazing discovery, says it is a great thing because it means we have another planet to possibly move to once this one is ruined. He doesn't say that in those exact words but, to me, was the gist of his statement.

Check out this video. It explores the possibility of other habitable planets just outside our solar system. It is interesting but I have to tell ya, I have two problems with this newly discovered planet. One, 400 degrees is too hot for me. I burn easily just being in the sun for ten minutes. And two, 40 light years away? Are we in the warp drive Star Trek Era already? Also, do we really really need to infest, er, I mean- inhabit another world (and kill the shit out of that one, too?) Just askin'?





Check out the MEarth Website for more detailed information. It's intriguing. And I'm not sure many know about this recent discovery.