Absentee Blogger, Super Blogger, Dumbass Commenter and Unsolicited Advice

Absentee Blogger


That's how I'd best describe myself these days.  I think the last time I posted anything on the blog was about the middle of last month.  I'm reminded of that line from Al Pacino from one of his movies.  I know I won't get it right and I'm too lazy to look it up but it went something like... "No matter how hard I try to get away, they keep pulling me back in."

Feel free to correct me on that or tell me the movie reference as I know somebody reading this probably will.  That is, if somebody took the six to ten seconds to read the first paragraph.  More on that topic later.

Absentee Bloggers will usually go on temporary or permanent absences away from their blogs because of all types of situations.  Deaths in the family.  A project at work.  Having a real job, in general.  Responsibilities.  Vacations.  Unhealthy children.  Or, yes... even having a real life that sometimes keeps you away from your fucking hobby-  Which what blogging is... it's only a hobby folks.  Sometimes, it's a bit of self therapy.  Sometimes, it's you wanting to educate or entertain the strangers out there online.  But, in the end, it's just a hobby.  If you think it's anything more than that, here's your straitjacket!  Do not pass GO.  Instead, check yourself into the mental institution, you hopelessly addicted fucker.  Or seek psychological help of some kind.  I did and it certainly helped me.  Seeeeeeeeee????  :)  And the lopsided smiley face makes it all okay, huh?  

Yes, I know.  My goddamn keyboard is dusty as fuck.  Desk tray is, as well, I know.  Don't care, though.   You may "advise" me to get one of those cans of compressed air or one of those crazy American Republican  presidential wannabes to use their hot air to blow the dust away.  On second thought... no thanks on that idea.  They're all so flagrantly stupid, they would probably just slobber on my keyboard, making a bigger mess than a dude that's heavily addicted to Internet porn- if you catch my drift.  Hope I'm not being my usual subtle self.  :)  You'll note that I have a portable phone that's always nearby or stuck up my ass whenever the next personal or family emergency arises.  Which it will.

Remember:  If you feel absolutely compelled to post something each and every fucking day, you may be a Super Duper Dumbass Blogger (see topic below, later) that needs professional help, not to mention any type of responsibility and/or a goddamn job.

In reference to the previous "pulling me back" quote, the last four weeks have claimed my last strand of sanity and my time.  During my absentee blogger time, I was hit with all manner of health scares stemming from my Dad's Vascular Dementia, his hospital stays where he fell down due to low blood pressure or something else, my wife's own health problems where I was meticulously wrapping her swollen legs up every day, my own insulin prescription crisis (I'm severely diabetic) and last, but certainly not least, my Dad wrecking his car into someone else.  That last incident was expected.  We warned the authorities for years.  We did what we could to prevent it.  Legal, persuasive and everything else kind of ways- beyond imagination.  Luckily, no one got hurt.  And, of course, that's what it took for the right people to finally take action.  A damn accident.

My sister and I could write entire thousand page novels on what we've had to go through the last six years since Dad accidentally left the car running in the basement, which in turn, poisoned my mom to death through the air vents upstairs.  It took me a long time before I could even talk about that.

By the way, Dad is living in an assisted living facility.  His second one.  It's nice.  Amazingly nice.  It's a I-want-to-live-there-when-I-can't-take-care-of-myself kind of nice.  The first one he was living at, well, that, in itself, is a 9 part miniseries, featuring dramatic manhunts, threats to staff from him, breaking rules and full on breakdowns on my part and my sister's end of it.  It wasn't a bad place either, but, things wouldn't stop happening.

NO SOLICITED ADVICE HERE, PLEASE!!!!!


Just in case I wasn't clear, I thought I'd helpfully add a few exclamation points above.  Wonderful of me, wasn't it? 

If you've never read my blog or haven't read about that saddest part of my life, click these links for only a small piece of the never ending saga:

Sorry If I've Caused Concern
Sorry If I've Caused Concern- Part 2 
Sorry If I've Caused Concern- Part 3

I made the mistake of saying a couple sentences about the difficulty of caring for Dad on Facebook and somebody gave me unsolicited advice, assuming that in the 6 years of dealing with his problems- which became our problems, that we had never attempted what he suggested before.  When I read his suggestion, I was only looking to spout off a little to get mild, brief relief on Fuckbook or whatever they call it, I laughed and freaked out just a little when I read the suggestion/assumption and I didn't communicate to the assuming person because I'm not into debating and this person, I knew, would debate and argue something until pigs learned to talk.  It certainly didn't help during "my little freak out" that I was extremely stressed from everything hitting me at once from my wife's problems to my own- which are the same if you get down to it.  When you're married, it's like that.  FYI.

Clue 1: One of the biggest mistakes you can make with me is assuming.  Don't do it!  I've had it done to me far too many times.  Also:  Don't fill in the blanks and tell lies just because you don't know the person or the situation.  Questions are welcomed as long as assumption aren't sneakily thrown in.  My motto has always been:  Always ask, Never assume. 

Clue 1.5:  Unsolicited advice is also a big no no with me, just in case I haven't mentioned that two or three hundred times during the 6 years this blog has been around.  If I ask for advice, only then you can give it to me.

Sometimes, believe it or not, people say shit to just get whatever is troubling them off of their chest or out of their minds for a bit of relief.  Imagine that!

Clue 2: Once I've made my point, I don't argue or debate about the topic any longer.  I might give you a couple paragraphs worth of words back and forth between you and I but that's about it.  And that's if I don't have anything better or more productive to do. In person, if you are errationally determined and choose to "win" the argument or "make your case" or "see the gray areas" (also known as 'splitting hairs', I believe) in everything I say, I will leave you standing, talking to yourself or getting zip for response from me.  Feel free to believe you've "won" the argument or debate when I don't return your brilliant comeback with another brilliant comeback.  It matters not to me.  And when you do it on the internet, I think you're an absolute fool for doing so.  I don't care if both "great debaters" become the best of pals at the end of their battle of words, charts, facts supporting their views that will change after the next day or whatever, it's idiotic.  Period.  Go.  Fuck.  Thyself.  The same goes double for Grammar Nazis.  Please... GET A FUCKING LIFE OR AT LEAST TRY TO ENGAGE IN ACTIVITIES OR RESPONSIBILITIES OUTSIDE OF THE INTERNET.  UNGLUE THY ASS FROM THY OFFICE OR COMPUTER CHAIR, FUCKWAD.  Oh, there goes my delightful subtle side of me exposing itself again.  I gotta watch that.

I'm sure you've seen this before... but have you actually read the words and let their meaning sink inside that big ol' human brain of yours.  Mentally handicapped people have my full respect.  They make people who argue and endlessly debate on the net look like deranged imbeciles that are deserving of being slowly trampled by a hyped up herd of people leaving a Disturbed concert.  I respect the hyped up concert folks more than the "great debaters", as well.  Crush on, dudes and dudettes!  

Anyway, during this last hiatus, I would have much preferred to being in this chair, happily blogging about shit people could laugh and/or think about instead of being imprisoned in endless health scare and moving issues.

Super Blogger

Speaking of irritating people, isn't it about time we got rid of these "Super Bloggers".  You know... these ego-maniacal assholes who need a gazillion fucking followers.  Don't get me wrong!  Or fucking assume!  I don't care how many followers you, I or the next person has but when they promote themselves to death by joining every site, blog and advertise... not to mention sell products bearing their website names, without a drop of true substantial content- it speaks volumes to me about what they're all about.  Superficiality and ego-boosting.  It's a cry for help.  No need to assume.  They flagrantly show IT, celebrate IT and glorify IT, themselves and their site.  Link dropping after every comment on someone's blog post is strategy in their strange game of potential profits or ego-boosting.  They want you to click their ads, buy their shit and follow them like the next messiah.  And if you're "lucky" you may get a comment from them on your own blog once a year.   Again, to those who engage in this self-serving practice... GO.  FUCK.  THYSELF.

If you go to my blog pal, Gary and his funny, observant blog, klahanie, you will see he has posted a bit on this subject, as well.  I advise you to check out his excellent, well written site, too.  Here's the link to the post I'm referring to here.

Did you see where I capitalized the words above where I called no one, in particular, a fuckwad?  I did that in the hopes that you would read those words- which brings me to...

Dumbass Commenter

The Dumbass Commenter excels in leaving comments that shows he, she or it did not read much or any of the post.  Maybe they looked for keywords, big words, bold type words or a tiny chunk of the post to comment on.  Maybe they briefly looked at the pretty or bizarre pictures.  Who knows?  Some will say, "Your site is good.  I follow.  My website is Blahblahblah."  You may call them spammers.  I call them imbeciles.  I say, if you're not interested in my post or someone else's, don't read it and attempt a lay a lame comment in the comment area.  Keep your "following me icon" and your shitty three word or lame comment to yourself.  Gary, of klahanie, also wrote his perspective on this subject.  Look here.  I have to admit.  It's more amusing than my somewhat cutthroat, yet still honest, perspective.  I also have to admit that I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy today, joyfully spreading good cheer to one and all.

Did I happen to mention I'm the King of Subtlety?  Or would that be a mere admirer, user or student of sarcasm or sardonic humor?  It's so hard to tell.

On the bright side, things are finally looking up a little.  No, I'm not talking about my penis becoming erect.  Not that far up.  I'm just saying that through all the bleakness, I see a tiny particle of light at the end of this long, dark, melancholy, jagged tunnel of misery.  Maybe, in a few more weeks, things will get even better.  It depends.

Have you read this far down?  Do you have ADHD?  Or is Lil' Puddin' bored that he or she didn't have a laugh-a-second post to read this time around?  If so... Gosh.  I care a lot.

I'm just kidding, folks.  It's all in good, well meaning fun.  Move along now.  See you or not see you next time I post a delightful story or raging diatribe.  Take care.  I love you.  Would you follow me?  I desperately need  that type of ego boost. Hahahahahahahahaha.  I'm okay. 

Fun Things You Can Do By Yourself

Discovering fun stuff to do when you are alone can open up a world of possibilities that will help you find out more about yourself. Listed below are various ways to cheer yourself up and/or relief boredom that are usually affordable. Ways that don't involve your ever reliable computer. Ways that might require you to actually raise your sweaty buttocks from the chair you find yourself in. Depending on how deeply attached you are to the computer, the task of separating yourself from it, alone, may kill a few hours.

Try any of the following activities or combination of activities:

Take a walk outside

Go for a drive or a ride on a bus

Read a book

Listen to music

Watch a movie

Build a birdhouse

Create a painting

Exercise

Create a song

Dance merrily, barefoot, on broken glass

Volunteer

Hypnotize yourself

Masturbate

Eat a bug

Plant a tree

Take a shower (you could use one)

Cut off your hand

Accept yourself for who you are

Kiss yourself in the mirror

Try to invent something using only the following: a sheet of aluminum foil, a rubber band, a paper clip and a decapitated head

Take a trip to another place in your mind and then get up and go there

Make plans to go skydiving

Get outside, look up at the stars and shout

Stick a carrot up your rectum

Meditate

Choose wisely (or else don't)

Ask yourself a question and quickly answer it before you can think of another question

Create a card trick

Fantasize

Go to a museum

Cook something (Start with water and work your way up)

Go to a park

Organize stuff

Conquer a fear

Roll your eyes to the back of your head and scream

Try your hand at flagpole climbing

Go to sleep

Pretend that you're riding a wild bull, while yelling, "Yeeha!"

Put as many articles of clothing on that you have in your house and let yourself roll down a flight of stairs

Set up a tent in one of your rooms and act as if you're camping (Don't forget to bring marshmallows!)

Put on a helmet and run full speed into a wall

Tell yourself a bawdy or cheesy joke

Laugh- just for the heck of it

The 7 Facts Award

Wouldn't you know it? The great and wonderful me has gotten another award thrust upon myself and I want to thank the just as great and wonderful, if not better, LilPixi, from It's A Lollipop World.

LilPixi has got a kick ass, wild and humorous blog that features delightful topics ranging from popping penis balloons to pleasant experiences like having your heart abruptly stop pumping while slippery shit dumplings suddenly pop out of your ass like a Jack-In-The Box as you're attacked by crazed, jacket-eating giraffes. I'm might have added a bit of color to that last description but, basically, it's true. Check out her zany, original blog to see what I mean by all this insanity.

As usual, there are the rules. As usual, I will break one or more of them. Here are the rules:

*Copy and paste this award to your blog

* Thank and link to the person that tagged you with it.
* List 7 facts about yourself
* Give the award to 5 other bloggers and tell them they have it.

I shall list 7 facts of myself, once again, like I did at the beginning of this month, because I know how much everyone is just dying to know more about sweet lil' ol' me. I'll try my damnedest to tell something about myself I haven't before on this site but I can't guarantee you'll be oddly fascinated or even erotically stimulated by the answers.

#1- I can hear, just at this moment, at one o' clock in the morning, some asshole loudly rummaging around in the large garbage bin, down below one of my apartment windows, slightly off to the right side of the building. No shit! This numb nuts is hunting for I-don't-know-what at this time of night but it is unnerving. I'm wondering what kind of info he might be finding out. Damn, I hope he doesn't find the messed up Barbie Dolls I threw in the trash that have my name stamped on their plastic asses. That might be embarrassing.

#2- TV shows I watch on a semi-regular basis would include: House, Family Guy, Nova, Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern, 1000 Ways To Die, Tosh.O, National Geographic specials, Baggage, NCIS, The Daily Show, Minute To Win It, History Channel shows and more I can't think of at the moment because the douche bucket down below won't stop making a racket.

Perhaps he's collecting cans. I hear a lot of tink-tink-tinking going on. Perhaps I'll save him the trouble of making a few lousy bucks by collecting cans at one in the morning to drag to the recycle center later for money and throw a few dollars out the window at him so he'll go away. Fuck it! I'll just pull the window up and activate "my amazing sprinkler system" (also called My Bladder and Tubular Sex Organ) and give the guy a golden shower. Nah. Strike that! That freak might enjoy it.

Moving on...

#3- Is an omelet really an omelet without the cooked flesh of some dead animal and some cheese? I think not. I don't eat omelets without meat and if you try to force one, sans meat, upon me, I will be forced to declare war. It would be as bad as drinking decaffeinated coffee to me. What's the point?

#4- I was taught how to fish, set up a tent and camp, chop wood, enjoy a good strong cup of coffee, reap the benefits of what worlds books can open for you, draw, paint, cook and observe before you blindly jump into something all before the age of ten. Imagining and creating stories came naturally to me. So did the ability to be direct and honest. An ability some people in society annoyingly lack for the purposes of not wanting to "make waves" or be open.

#5- I like animals more than I like people. A real shock, isn't it? Hahaha..... Okay. I'll stop.

#6- I was once an elf for the Keebler Cookie Company. But instead of doing our work in a tree, we did it in a factory filled with huge hot ovens. I was driven further into the depths of madness with this fast paced, stressful job. It was my duty to watch, from 10 at night to 8 in the morning, literally millions of goddamn cookies go down the conveyor belt very, very quickly and check for minor imperfections of each friggin' cookie. If you found one or more unsightly cookies, you had to have the reflexes of Flash to grab it off the line before it got to the packagers' section. Chaos often ensued when there were more than a few at a time that were "bad".

In only seconds, I had to judge the quality of each cookie as they whizzed by. Does this one have enough chocolate chips? Is that one perfectly round? Does that one seem photogenically balanced and capable of pleasing a typical obese American? Gosh, I sure hoped so. My eyes watered and glazed over after a few hours of this relentless burden and my back was about to break. Eventually, the stress got to me with this job (slave labor) and I allowed a billion and one cookies to pile up on the factory floor one night. When blood comes out of your ears and drips on the perfectly shaped cookies, you know it's quitting time. Boy, you should have heard what those potty-mouthed elves had to say about that mess. Goodness gracious, I was appalled!

#7- I've met eight of the major players of The Big Red Machine. The Major League Baseball World Champions of 1975 and 1976 were gracious enough to give me and our small town's citizenry, free of charge, a signed autograph of themselves back then. It isn't too often that a big name professional athlete does anything like that- free of charge- these days. It's all about the money. That was an amazing day for a 12 year old boy or for anyone else, for that matter. Click the link above for the significance of these guys. They are legends.

As for any recipients to pass this award forward to, I'm going to give it to one blogger I've never mentioned before and whose blog has given me chuckles aplenty past and present. He may do whatever he wants with it. Let it be known, I have officially bestowed this award/survey upon him like a crown of golden dingleberries.

The proud recipient is Rico Swaff of the spectacular blog, The Chronicles of Rico. Hey dude, follow the rules above as much as you want. Take care, folks.

The Courage To Experience New Things

Yesterday was a beautiful day here in Indiana. In days, previous to this one, we were overwhelmed by a deluge of rain. In fact, the rivers and creeks around the tri-state area are reaching flood stage. You can't really do much outside in the rain. And I hate being kept inside like a caged animal. You'll see me, in those situations, pacing back and forth like a tiger in the zoo, bored and waiting for the next meal. Unlike the tiger, however, I'm not waiting to die. I feel pity for caged animals.

Early in the day, my wife and I went to our bank to make a payment for our truck. We were pleasantly surprised to find they were having a Customer Appreciation Day. Some of the bank staff were out in front, grilling hot dogs and handing them out to customers, along with free drinks and snacks. That was nice. The hot dogs tasted great, too.

Later, we took a walk in the park, not far from our place. Hand in hand, we joked and laughed about many things. The smells of Honeysuckle and other trees and flowers were pleasing, invoking memories for me of times when my family and I would take nature walks in the woods of the many state parks in our area.

For a change, we didn't carry our pesky cell phone with us. Cell phones, those detestable electronic gadgets, are creations made by the Devil. They attack you with their constant interruptions, dumb ringtones and calls from people wanting something from you. My wife has a love affair with the damn thing. I... do not. I would very much enjoy crushing the motherfucker with my foot.

Anyway, as we were enjoying our casual two mile walk/workout, my allergies got the best of me and I sneezed. Unfortunately, when I sneezed, I shit myself a little. Even though it was uncomfortable, I continued walking back to the truck (as if there were any other choice) and enjoyed the rest of our stroll.

Afterwards, I made dinner for us by grilling out on our brand spanking new charcoal grill. As you can see, you can fit a lot of food on this grill and it has a handy thermometer on the cover, telling you how high the temperature is getting inside. Yesterday, I was cooking two inch thick rib eye steaks that had been marinated in pineapple juice and Teriyaki sauce, overnight. Off to the left of the grill, I'm grilling corn on the cob with pepper and garlic butter. Sometimes, when I'm cooking steaks, I'll use a dry rub consisting of garlic, paprika, chopped onion and other spices.

I'll try a different combination of things almost every time. I'm not afraid to try new things. The only things I'm afraid of are losing people I love. The nightmare of losing my mother five years ago trumps anything I could be confronted with in the future, besides losing other loved ones.

Everything on the grill turned out great, I'm happy to report.

Speaking of things that people are afraid of....

A new restaurant has recently opened in town the other day. A Chinese restaurant. Surprisingly, an abundance of hillbillies living here, along with the wifey and I, patronized the place the other day. This town mainly consists of fast food joints and plain old "meat and potatoes" type of rest of restaurants. This establishment had some very unique, at least to me, cuisine on the buffet. While some patrons (ignorant rednecks) made disparaging remarks about some of the items, based on looks only, I happily dove in and tried almost everything they had. A little bit of this. A little bit of that. It was all delicious.

I even had a go at the Hibachi grill section of the restaurant. Just a couple other customers and I were brave enough to try it out, picking out different items (eggs, pork, lettuce, mushrooms, shrimp and many more), putting them on a plate and handing them to the poor, bored, under-worked chef standing behind the grill to cook for us. I felt a bit of pity for him, like the tiger, as well.

The reactions of the ignorant rednecks, concerning the looks of the food at the Chinese restaurant and their unwillingness to try some of the items got me to thinking, once again, about how fearful people can be about experiencing things that they are not accustomed to. It can be food, activities, ideas or any number of things. It's sad, really. People miss out on so much by staying stagnate in their comfortable, monotonous ways.

I plan on taking up oil painting after our cruise. That's something new for me. The classes cost some money and since we've been saving every spare penny for our upcoming cruise, it will have to wait until after that big event. In the near future, I would like to try parachuting. Although I'm afraid of heights, I'm eager to try it out. For our cruise, I signed up for snorkeling. This is a big deal because I'll be snorkeling in a large body of water in the Caribbeans. This has real meaning to me because in the past, I've almost drowned in large bodies of water. Once in Lake Michigan. The other time in the Ohio river. Ever since those times, I've been leery of getting into water that is that deep and expansive. But... I have the courage to do it again and I'm sure it will be a wonderful new experience, being in the beautiful blue water and seeing all the different, amazing types of marine life.

I can't wait.

Fascinating: The Man Who Collects Mac and Cheese Boxes

Everyone should be inspired by this great man's goal: To own every kind of macaroni and cheese box in the world! Let us place this man's image upon our billboards and build gold plated churches in Ian Golder's honor.

Better yet, let's build the churches out of macaroni and cheese. Mmmmm.

Watch this strangely inspiring video and decide if he's a circus freak -or not. Or maybe he's just got an unusual hobby. I'll try to rustle up some sort of picture, as well. Ah, there it is. At the top now. Magnificent!

A little personal history for ya to munch on: My wife and I, when we were dirt poor, would get really creative with the Mac and Cheese Dinner. We eat still it the stuff -but it can't be the powdery stuff we did buy- every once in a great while.

We would, in one or various combinations, add the following:

Cut up hot dogs
Broccoli
Italian spices (that carried a lot of stuff sitting on our spice shelf)
Sausage
Hamburger
Pork
Actually, any meat could be thrown in except cat meat. Or giraffe. We drew the line on that.

Here's the video clip from the show "Unwrapped". This episode was on tonight but it's a rerun. Still funny, in a weird way, though.