Summer Fun Action

What have I been up to?

Enjoying the summer, goddamn it! After 6 months of a harsh, excruciatingly long winter, summer has finally arrived and instead of being bound or limited in what can be done during the past heavy bouts of ice, snow and all that groovy shit, I'm unshackled, free, even, my amigos, to get out and enjoy. My past problems before kept me from posting regularly. Ironically, things are going so well, nowadays, I've been spending most of my time away from the drudgery of lame, indoor activity.

Well, I do make time for cat fisting and fixing a good cup of coffee. That will perk you up. You shouldn't deny yourself the simple things in life, you know.

In any case, I wholeheartedly encourage everyone reading this to get outside right now and go crazy this summer. Put a bundle of firecrackers in your pants, light 'em up and sing "Yank Me Doodle Dandy" till the neighbors call the authorities on you.

Of course, you gals may say, "But Kelly, I wish not to harshly burn my womanly baloney flaps and my cuddly clitoris."

Do it anyway, damn it! Get crackin'! And poppin'! Add some spice and spark to your life! Show 'em who's boss!

You dudes, on the other hand, might point out, "But what about the charred remains of my crispy, deflated testes and my seriously messed up smoking ballsack?"

Oh, boo hoo. Don't be such a crybaby! Put a dab of sunburn cream on your junk and it will all be swell. Take it from the good Dr. Kelly. He'll never steer you wrong.

Speaking of things in your pants, you may want to watch this. It's quite lovely.

A couple weeks ago, I went to my sister's 23rd year wedding anniversary/bonfire party. I saw some friends I hadn't seen in ages. The crinkles around their eyes and the strands of gray in the hair freaked me out. So I said, "You guys are getting old."

They said, "Well, you are, too," almost in unison.

I laughed, took it in stride and shot them all in the head.

Seriously, we had a relaxing, fun time. It could be because we were all fucked up but I think it was the general mood of seeing each other again and the great weather and the food and the liquor and the dog and turkey face off.

Yes, I did record the Dog Vs. Turkey Match of The Millennium with my digital camera. The quality isn't that great but the content is funny. Forgive me or not about the quality. I was quite numb and it took all three of my working brain cells to find the movie camera symbol thingy on the camera dial thingy. Hope I'm not being too technical here.

No animals were hurt during the dog and turkey foreplay right before they finally made sweet, sweet inter-species love to one another, folks. So don't stress out!

Here's the video clip. Listen to our witty dialogue and be amazed! Watch two wild n' crazy beasts go at each other until the bitter dispute ends with tender, oddly arousing lovemaking! For real! Sorry, freaks, I had to edit that last part out. This is a family site, after all.

Before the entertainment, we feasted on grilled burgers, metts, bratwurst, a teriyaki rice dish I made, earlier, and a lot of other good edibles. We didn't kill and eat the turkey this time. It was covered with too much spooge.

During the course of the day and evening, I snapped a lot of shots of sunsets, people, animals, fire and Lord knows what. If you find out, tell me.

OH YEAHHH! And that's just what Randy "Macho Man" Savage said just before he crashed. Too true. Plus, he had a Slim Jim hangin' out of his pie hole when they found him slumped over.

Here are a few of the photos I took throughout the day and night of the party.

There's nothing like staring into the coals and flames of a raging bonfire. Very peaceful. It really eases the worries of the day and allows your mind to wander into tranquil territories.

We decided not to throw our friend, Marty, into the bonfire that night because, even though he has lost some muscle mass due to his MS disease, he's still kinda heavy. He still weighs in at 150 pounds. We tried encouraging him to steer his electronic mobile chair thingamajiggy into the fire, himself, to give us a break from hurting our backs from lifting him and possibly interrupting our drunken revelry but he was too lazy.

Damn him.

Normally, we would chase after our sarcastic friend, Greg, tackle him to the ground and take him to the bonfire "to threaten to throw him in" but he couldn't make it because he was working in Kansas.

Damn him, too.

You can see more photos from the party if you click on my photo blog, Pics For Kicks.

I hope everyone has a safe, fun, relaxing summer in the months ahead. It certainly beats where we were with that hellish winter here in the U.S. only a few months ago. I implore you to get out and enjoy nature. Believe it or not, fucking around with your computer or any other electronic device isn't all that.

These past few weeks have been glorious compared to what the situation was for the wife and I only a month ago. Hooray! About time!

While away from the hallowed, frankly ridiculous internet, we saw four movies in the theater.

I grade the following on a scale of 1-10:

Green Lantern gets an 8. Bad Teacher gets a 7. Cars 2 gets an 8. The latest Transformers movie gets an 8, as well.

Besides grilling out, drinking too much, communing with the great outdoors and spending money on a laptop for the wife and going out to eat about every friggin' day, I've recently gotten re-addicted to a computer game I played for years this last week. Just one more reason I haven't been blogging much these days. The game is called Sacred. It's an older hack n' slash RPG but it's still a lot of fun. My character is a Battle Mage named Master Heathen. I hate the pinkish color glow that his wicked magical armor gives off but it doesn't mean shit, really, when you take in the fact that he's really great at disemboweling his enemies with ease and setting them on fire as they continue to scream.

Well, gang, that's all I got for now. For my next post, I'm going to describe, with pictures and words, the big semi-annual flea market we go to every year that's famous for it's muzzle-loading shoots, odd items for sale and freaky folks dressed in leather, coon skin hats and dresses (not necessarily all at once) in nearly one hundred degree heat.

There's a variety of smells in the air, you'll detect, during the week long flea market/muzzle loading shoot. Everything from sweaty meat bags to Elk Burgers piled with sauteed onions.

That upcoming post should be fun. Stay tuned! Stay safe! And don't forget to put the M-80's down your pants and light 'em up to show your special Fourth of July patriotism. We're all counting on you.

Note: I'll try my damnedest to visit your blogs the next couple of days so be prepared.

3 Year Blog Anniversary

It's hard to believe I've been blogging for three freakin' years but I have. It's been 3 years to this very day when I first started this site. December, 13th, 2007. During these three years, I've befriended a lot of bloggers, visited a lot of unique, quality blogs and endured a lot of bullshit and good times in my life while crankin' out posts that have involved subjects that were either funny, insane, tragic, joyous and ones that defied any of those descriptions.

In my opinion, these posts have been my personal 10 best, thus far:

There Are Other Life Forms

Crazy Bear and Volcano Butt

Couples Fighting In Public

Toxic Culture

Almost Human

Toadie in "Happy Anniversary"

BP Oil Spill, Alternative Energy and Climate Change (Part 2)

End of The World Delight

A Unique Alternative

Life Lesson From Father To Son

I have no idea how much longer I'll be able to do it but I have to admit, it's been rewarding. Not just because I've been able to share my insanity with all of you but being able to get some stuff off my chest. I hope you've enjoyed the ride as much as I have.

Take care, folks!

Toadie in "Happy Anniversary"

Maggie was the first of the two to wake up that morning when she heard the knock on her bedroom door. She knew it would have taken more than that to stir Rufus from his slumber. Maggie brushed her red hair from her eyes and then struggled to say, "Yes, Toadie... I'm up." She gave Rufus a slap on his bare ass to awaken him. Rufus' eyes opened wide.

"What the hell?" he asked, perturbed.

Toadie opened the door, immediately and waddled his short stocky self over to Maggie. Maggie saw the tray he was carrying. It had two covered plates of food on it, along with two glasses of juice and plastic eating utensils. Rufus and Maggie had found out the hard way that due to Toadie's condition, having sharp objects in the house was not a wise option.

It was one year to the day, that Rufus and Maggie had taken Toadie into their home. When they had found him, he was in an alley, between a burnt down house and a pet shop. He had been pacing back and forth, mumbling to himself. What was left of the house had been Toadie's home. His second cousin, Ralphy, lived with him and took care of him. Unfortunately, for Toadie, Ralphy had set himself and the small house they lived in on fire with a lit cigarette, while falling asleep. Toadie had been four blocks away at the park that early evening, throwing rocks in a man made pond, unaware of the fire at the time. When he smelled smoke, faintly, he thought he had cut a fart, without realizing it.

While Maggie and Rufus walked towards the pet shop to look at puppies for sale, they spotted Toadie in the alley. Feeling sorry for him, they took him to their home. And there, he stayed. Instead of getting a dog that day, they gained a Toadie.

Toadie went over to Maggie's side of the bed with the surprise breakfast.

"Toadie made you something special," explained Toadie, "It's our one year anniversary together, you know."

"Yes," said Rufus, still rubbing his eyes, "We know. Great, isn't it?"

His sarcasm was completely lost on Toadie. It wasn't that Rufus didn't care for Toadie. It was the fact that Toadie could be difficult to take care of, at times. And waking up from a sound sleep by a slap on the ass wasn't helping his mood.

Maggie showed her routine act of excitement. "Wow! What did you make for us this time, Sir Toadie?"

Toadie raised the plastic cover from one plate and said, triumphantly, "Toadie made you eggs and brownies and juice! Almost everything here was made from Toadie!"

Rufus roused himself from bed and stuck his feet in slippers before correcting Toadie. "You mean almost everything here was made by you, not from you. Two different things."

"Okay," said Toadie, as he set the tray of food on the wooden chest at the foot of the bed. He smiled, gleefully, while digging his hand into his pajama bottoms. Maggie saw him scratching his nutsack and quickly turned her head back to the tray of food, wondering if he had done that before making breakfast. She thought, If I smell a sweaty man's scrotum just before I take a bite out his brownie, I'm going to be ill and then I'll have to make some lame excuse up in order not to eat it.

Rufus grabbed Maggie's plate and his own off the chest. Famished from last light's lovemaking, Rufus didn't hesitate digging into his eggs. Short, hefty Toadie jumped up and down, excitedly, clapping his hands. He was so overjoyed that his "bestist buddy" Rufus really liked the eggs. Toadie was about to walk out of the room before Rufus caught Toadie's attention.

"Hey, Toadie!"

Toadie turned around, full of glee, expecting a compliment.

"Yes, Rufus, my bestist buddy in the whole world."

Maggie had already eaten her brownie, finding it to be more delicious than she had expected, when she turned towards Rufus. She was hoping Rufus was going to be a little nicer to him than when he first woke up this morning.

Rufus inquired, "Is this some kind of Hollandaise sauce over the eggs?"

Toadie shook his head, rapidly, indicating it was not. Maggie looked at the sauce covering her eggs and thought it looked familiar.

"No, Silly Nilly," answered Toadie, "Toadie made that special sauce out of his own man seed."

Rufus said, "I... I don't get... what you mean by that." He was clearly nervous.

Toadie exclaimed, "That's Toadie's semen, you dumbass!"

Rufus projectile vomited, sending his eggs with special sauce across the room. He continued to puke for several minutes until he had the dry heaves. Rufus thought he was going to die with the pain so great as it was.

Maggie became distressed, her eyes watering when asked, "And how did you make the brownies, Toadie?"

Cheerfully, Toadie shouted, "Toadie makes Toadie's brownies with only the finest ingredients!"

Maggie hesitated for a moment and then asked, "So what did you use, Toadie?"

Toadie laughed at Maggie's "dumbness" and said, "Why Maggie, Toadie used his very own asshole and a scoop to get Toadie's shit out for the brownies. Toadie even left in the kernals of popcorn from his shit. Oh, and I added flour, eggs and chocolate, too. " Toadie was so pleased with himself and his wonderful gesture of fixing his friends such a fine breakfast, that he immediately pissed himself, creating a small pool around his bare feet.

Maggie retched, violently, puke splattering all over the bedsheets. She suddenly remembered thinking that, while eating Toadie's brownie, she had detected some little nuts of some kind. But, she thought, Those weren't nuts. With this last thought, she vomited with such force, poop spurted out of her anus. Toadie sniffed the air, smelling Maggie's excrement. Excited once more, Toadie exclaimed, "Oh boy, Maggie is going to make some more brownies for us!"

One Year Blog Anniversary

Zippity-Freakin-Doo-Dah, folks. I've made it a whole year making the magic happen. I created this masterpiece, for you, you and the asshole on the left just to show ya how much I care. And I care a lot. I've touched many of you heathens (but only on the taint) and made ya believe in the Good Lode again (And what a load he hath given us, thus far). Yes, throughout this past year I've used this blog to shape minds, mend broken hearts and spread good cheer (which I call, humbly, shit).

I've had fun. I'm serious now. Puh-puh-please believe me. (stuttering problem)

As an added bonus, I've met (not in persons) many bloggers that I call friends. And they're the best kind of friends, too. They laugh at some of your jokes and won't ask for money. Can't beat that with a paraplegic midget. But please call me over when you're about to try. Buh-dum-bum.

The first blogger I befriended was Sy from The Wheel Is Turning But The Hamster Is Dead . He's got a real flair for humor. The funny kind. And a good guy, from what I can tell (Hmmmm). And he's British so he talks funny. (Just kiddin' mister Sy) Seriously, Sy and I were crackin' each other up (with sledgehammers) all the way back to the days of bloggerforum. Thanks, Sy. Check out his damned site for damned laughs. Damn it.

Since then, I've made a crap load of buds from other blogs. Some are still kickin' it with their blogs. Some have disappeared into the mystery hole where bloggers lose their way or get terminal writer's block or they're kidnapped by an old drugged out carnie, named Hank, of course, with a massive booger hanging out his left nostril and hands drenched with goo.

What?

Look to my right column. It would be the one on the right. Where it says, Check Out These Blogs Or Suffer Horribly. Okay. Now, do yourself a favor and check all of them out. Or you will suffer horribly. Really. Seriously, all these people running these blogs provide nothing but top quality laughs, entertainment and information. They're the best. I would call them friends. Damo, from Angry Clown is throwing up even as I write this. Good.

To me a blog is an amazing way to express your thoughts. It's a more distinct, clearer way, for certain. The details are in the words, folks. It's one of the true benefits of writing out your ideas. I've gained infinite (well, not really infinite) amounts of wisdom, laughs and whatnot while blogging with you folks. I hope you've gotten at least a teeny tiny bit of something from me. (not that funky stuff)

CHEERS!

The First Hooters Girl

On October 4th, 1983, the very first Hooters restaurant opened in Clearwater, Florida, USA.

Today, there are over 400 Hooters locations in the US, Switzerland, Mexico, Germany and many other countries.

In every restaurant you will discover delicious chicken wings, tasty sandwiches and lovely waitresses known as Hooters Girls. Usually, you will find the "Girls" dressed in belly shirts and tight shorts, accentuating their lithe, feminine physiques.

Female sex appeal is an important feature in every Hooters restaurant.

To help celebrate Hooters' 25th anniversary this year, the franchise called upon Janey Dubbelook, the very first waitress hired by Hooters in 1983. This charming Hooters Girl is still working in the first Florida establishment and still getting big tips from all her appreciative customers.

When recently interviewed, Janey confided, "I don't mind being checked out and asked for my phone number dozens of times every night but I really wish the guys coming in here would stop pinching my ass. Other than that, it's been a real privilege to work at Hooters all these years."

Janey will start the 25th anniversary ceremony off in Florida this weekend by popping out of a cake, in the nude, covered with nothing but Hooters special trademark chicken wing sauce. BE THERE OR BE SQUARE.