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Saturday, December 18, 2010

Toadie in "The Christmas Trip" (Part 1)

Despite Rufus and Maggie's objection to Toadie leaving their mansion in Chicago, Toadie ventured out on a trip across the country during the Christmas season to take in the sights of all the decorated houses and winter festivals across America.

Rufus and Maggie, worried for their semi-retarded friend's safety, were at least able to convince Toadie that he should be escorted during his month long adventure. Maggie persuaded her younger cousin, Valerie, to escort and drive the 33 year old mentally impaired man wherever he wanted to go. At first, Valerie balked at the suggestion due to college priorities. Of course, it didn't take much persuasion from Rufus and Maggie since they had only recently become millionaires due to a huge inheritance and were able to offer Val a substantial amount of money for the task.

Fifty thousand dollars for playing a taxi driver for an imbecile wouldn't be a bad deal, she thought. Besides, the college freshman felt she badly needed a break from school. Val was feeling burned out.

A week into the trip, Valerie began to understand Toadie and realize, with in-depth discussions with him, that he wasn't as mindless as some assumed him to be. She could tell that he was just one of those type of people that you had to really talk to, on a one-to-one basis, for a certain amount of time, in order to get what he was honestly all about.

One night, on the way to Birmingham, Alabama, Valeria turned to Toadie and asked, "Well, are you ready to check in at a hotel?"

Toadie, staring straight ahead at the festively decorated lampposts along the street, replied, "Toadie farted." This was followed by a string of saliva dripping from his bottom lip.

Valerie countered, "Yes, Toadie, I know. I could smell it ten minutes ago and I still can."

Toadie wiped the spittle from his mouth and then said, "The smell makes Toadie hungry for the big bowl of chili Toadie ate this afternoon."

Valerie laughed and then said, "Well, it makes me want to puke my chili up on this dashboard."

Both travelers laughed together then, in effect, causing Toadie's penis to become erect, which happened quite often when he laughed. This odd reaction to laughter would sometimes make for awkward scenes at a Chicago grocery store that Maggie would sometimes take Toadie to, in the past.

Whenever Toadie would see someone or hear something he thought humorous, he would chuckle heartily and eventually sport a 14 inch raging boner which would often times peek out from the top of his sweatpants. Maggie would see his meaty manhood sticking out and tell him to think of something sad to deflate the size of his erection.

Normally, when these events occurred, at least one store patron would invariably see his lengthy piss weasel, stop dead in their tracks and point at Toadie's prick. Some people laughed. Some shrugged. One patron actually screamed and had a massive stroke. Her name was Mabel Strausfurg and she had just celebrated her 70th birthday the day before. When the elderly woman collapsed to the floor, Toadie was shocked and began to sob, uncontrollably.

Customers looked down at the woman breathing her last few breaths on the floor, but instead of running to get help or call for an ambulance, they stood around the old woman and twittered and private messaged their friends and relatives.

Several customers took pictures with their camera phones and other electronic gadgets.

One twenty-ish something year old girl texted this message:

Old biddy just up on dropped on the floor. lol. Most excitement I've had all day.

The bored reactions of the customers vaguely reminded Maggie of the true incident in which Bill Nye, "The Science Guy", collapsed onto the floor before reaching the podium at a college University in California. Everyone in the audience, made up of mostly college students, texted and tweeted what had just happened instead of attempting, in any degree, to help Nye.

Maggie immediately took out her cell phone and called the 911 emergency number before rushing off to alert store management. Quickly, before leaving, she turned to Toadie and said, "Put that thing away before you kill anyone else."

This made Toadie even sadder, feeling immeasurable guilt and as was often the case when he was feeling blue, Toadie would comfort himself by masturbating. This time proved to be yet another such occasion. While being so overwhelmed by emotion that he let out a long sorrowful wail, Toadie abruptly pulled down his sweatpants and urgently wanked his willy .

Toadie exclaimed, suddenly, "Toadie sad!"

With his fat, clenched fist, Toadie began pumping up on down on his love muscle until jets of plentiful semen gushed out, hitting the seemingly bored customers' faces while they tweeted. Not fazed by this in the least, a few crowd members decided to sit down on top of the dying woman and continued to text and twitter. Some of them, in fact, tweeted that they thought there could be a leak in the store ceiling.

This is the actual tweet that one of them typed out:

I think there's something leaking from the ceiling here. Something just hit the top of my head or went in my face. Whatever.

Valerie and Toadie pulled into a snow filled hotel parking lot. The area was enduring subfreezing temperatures for the last several weeks, not allowing for the snow to melt anywhere in the city. Because of this, many of the citizenry in Birmingham were angry and frustrated and took it out on each other and city property in bizarre and vicious ways. One such citizen committed the outrageous act of burning down the city's 35 foot tall Christmas tree for it's measly amount of copper. At least, that was his excuse for burning down the tree.

It seemed, during these times, people were declaring war on Christmas trees. For instance, in Germany, the police arrested a man for making a huge six foot marijuana plant his very own Christmas tree. Justification for his arrest, some had trouble figuring out. The old man wasn't hurting anyone, after all. He was just trying to have a merry Christmas the best way he knew how.

Yet another member of the Birmingham, Alabama community jumped from a bridge to his death. Curiously enough, he was a shopping mall Santa in the area. On his way to the rough waters below, he could be heard to shout, "HO HO HO!" Still alive, though taking in large quantities of river water, the man in the Santa suit thrashed about in the river current and pleaded for help, damning himself for his stupidity.

No help was given to the depressed drowning man, of course. The onlookers, instead, messaged to others on their electronic devices that they had just heard something make a splash in the water. Then they continued doing nothing.

After Valerie and Toadie checked into the hotel room, Valerie smiled at Toadie and began to undress. It wasn't long before both road weary travelers slipped beneath the sheets and....




Gorilla Bananas said...

Valerie is going let Toadie probe her with that rolling pin in his pants? She must have a lot of depth for a college student. If I were in that hotel room I would definitely be twittering.

The Wolf said...

Sorry I was going to read this post but I had to update my Facebook page

THE SNEE said...

Hi Kelly,

This is my first roll in the hay with Toadie Now I must be on my way to get his back story. Did texting exist when Toadie first popped onto the blogland canvas? Happy happy holidays Kelly!

Kelly said...

I'm not entirely sure if Val is going to allow the ever jovial Toadie to fill her love muffin. I haven't spoken to her today. You'll just have to wait, with anticipation, and see what develops in Part 2 like the rest of us, gentle reader.

Kelly said...

That last comment was directed at Mr. Gorilla Bananas, in case there was any doubt. :)

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Lol. I know what ya mean, dude. Btw, I was going to read your comment but I was twittering with myself. spurt.

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- Well now, Rebecca... I cordially invite you to the Wonderful World of Toadie- where magical entities and wholesome tales are beautifully woven together in a neat festive package. Enjoy the back stories! And yes, texting did exist when Toadie first came on the scene.

Thanks for the holiday wishes, my friend! I sincerely hope you and yours have a fantastic Christmas and happy New Year!

klahanie said...

Ah good old 'Toadie'. Now then, once again I was riveted reading this rather surreal Christmas tale of one of my biggest heroes.
This posting caused me to laugh and suddenly I can't see the computer screen because, well because...
So glad you mentioned Birmingham, Alabama, and not Birmingham, England. I don't know whether I could have controlled my excitement if I knew my awesome friend, Toadie, was that close to my home
Y'all have a good Christmas eh! I'm off to Germany to smoke a six foot 'Christmas tree'...

Static said...

I was just notified of this outrageous post on dare you make fun of Alabamans..and I have to say, fifty thousand dollars to taxi around anyone is a decision only an imbecile would make. But ONLY a genius would make a marijuana Christmas tree. Now I have to get back to masturbating to some pictures of an old lady having a stroke at a grocery store on Twumblr before I lose my place. Later!

Kelly said...

klahanie- I think Toadie is likely everyone's hero. Who can blame them? He can do it all. Glad to hear he's your hero, as well. Do you emulate him, in any fashion? Are you saying you can't see the computer monitor any longer because you smoked a 'Christmas tree'?

Yeah, I've heard of Birmingham, England. We have two small towns close by that take their names from European cities- Versailles and Milan. But they are pronounced differently here. Versailles, here, is pronounced "Fur Sails". And Milan is pronounced "My Lan".

Also, I have great news for you, Gary. Toadie let me know that he's headed your way to spend Christmas with you. He says he plans on bringing his Yule Log and his own homemade egg nog.

I bet you're excited! Have a dandy Christmas, man. And peace to ya!

Kelly said...

Static- Oh those Alabamans are used to being poked fun at. They love the attention. I don't know if it takes a genius to make a marijuana Christmas tree but it is a pretty cool idea, man. And after the holidays, you can smoke the motherfucker up and keep the holiday cheer rollin' through the next year.

Wah hoooo.

Now, for the love of Christ, get back to wankin' your stink log to dying old ladies to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas this year. If ya don't, Jesus will come down the chimney and drop a load in your stocking.

Static said...

I prefer sobriety and not wankin' my "stink log" to dying old ladies, thank you. It makes me feel closer to The Flying Spaghetti Monster..I have been touched by his noodly appendage!

Kelly said...

Static- Ah, I see have been blessed. So what did his touch feel like? Was he gentle or did he just shove it right in? Merry Christmas.

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