Give This Dog Some Food, Stupid Bastard!

This evil bastard in the video makes his dog so sad, the dog resorts to doing things he never felt possible doing before. This is what happens- after what you see in this video...

RutRo, The Talking Dog, jumps on his owner's bed when he's asleep and takes a big brown, steaming dump directly into his cruel master's mouth. Then the bastard suffocates, dies, loses control of his bowels and then the maid comes in... there's an awkward silence. She cuts a petite fart... Places a finger upon her lips (not her wrinkly pussy lips, mind you) and acts all coy and bashful- until- a car suddenly crashes through the house and the mayhem starts with a bang as the maid's head is cleanly cut off with a flying piece of broken glass.

Our hero dog is shocked, at first, but then he begins to devour chunks of both the old maid and his owner, making the world a better, more awesome place. Except the part where the house collapses and the dog, busy gobbling on a liver, is crushed into peanut butter.

Everyone comes to the scene, wanting to help and all that shit, but that's when the earthquake shakes the ground, opens up a quarter mile gap and believe it or not, takes the whole neighborhood. Of course, this is when God peeks his head through the clouds, shouts, "Dumb Fuckers!" and takes his size 1,583 shoe and smacks all of us about like those damn lady bugs that get in your house when it gets cold outside.

Good weekend to all.

The Amazing Pistol Shrimp

I was telling my sister about the "pubic hair" I found in my shrimp the other day and she eventually got on the subject of Pistol Shrimp. She saw a documentary on them on the BBC not long ago. When she told me about them, I couldn't believe how they killed their prey.

Here's a short description on Pistol Shrimp and a video clip of the show she saw on this odd marine creature:

Pistol Shrimp have one (Or sometimes two) oversized claw that create a cavitation bubble as it snaps shut. This bubble, very briefly reaches temperatures approaching that of the sun, about 4700 degrees Celsius. An incredibly loud "popping" noise is created, as well. The Pistol Shrimp is officially the loudest creature on Earth. The bubble they create stuns the shrimp's prey and allows the Pistol Shrimp to eat them.

On The Road With Kelly

Twenty miles of road separated our place and our destination, today. Even though it wasn't that long of a drive we still managed to see several things that were odd or formidable throughout. The following events I describe really took place -as hard as it may be to believe.

The first sight/challenge we encountered on our journey was a long and twisted gauntlet of orange barrels and cones. Somehow we struggled our way through on a narrow, twisted, crumbling, one lane stretch of road. The road normally has two lanes but the other side going in the opposite direction was being blocked by the heavy machinery and the road crew.

The embankments on either side of this road leads to life threatening drop offs. Before you can kiss your ass goodbye, you're a fuckin' goner, man. The road crew would halt us at different parts of the road so the others in the opposite direction could come through on the same side of the shitty road. Not only did we have to dodge barrels, cones, people and potentially lethal drop offs, there was also the huge backhoe loader.

If you can't picture what I'm talking about, look at the picture of it in the upper left hand corner of this post. That's a backhoe loader. Do you see this fucking monstrosity? See the big elephantine claw-scoop thing in the back of this monster? What's this heavy metal monster doing on something that is, presently, little more than a sidewalk? That big claw-scoop thing was swinging towards us at one point and we thought simultaneously that (A) We have nowhere to go on this hellish road to avoid this gargantuan metal beast and (B) We're going to die before we can get to the shopping mall to spend way too money on stuff that we will likely put up on a yard sale next year.

After we struggle through that mess, we finally reach the interstate highway. Ah, a sigh of relief. Finally making headway. Progress, even. But lo and behold, what is this up ahead? Why it is an ambulance. Nearby the ambulance is a slew of cop cars, medical emergency personnel, mangled vehicles and people yelling at each other. This chaos was directly in between a fork in the highway. The closer we got to this accident, the more unsure we were that we were even going to make it to where we needed to turn off. Luckily, we are able make it around this annoying festival of disarray. I have no idea if anyone was killed or not. I was too busy jammin' and gyrating in my seat to my latest Rob Zombie CD to notice such trivialities. Bleed all you want, fuckers! I'm listening to my tunes!

Just as I'm finding relief from getting through that irritating bundle of wrecks and human misery, we travel another mile to see a flaming, smoking car sitting on the right side of a long metal bridge that sits over the river. And we have no choice but to go on this bridge to make it to the money pit known as the shopping mall. I say to my wife, "Gee, I hope that car doesn't explode just as we go past. That would suck mightily." She gives me that look that I take to mean that she is shitting herself (possibly literally) with anticipation.

Lucky again, we also get past the bomb on wheels -without being blown up. After we pass the fiery vehicle, my wife asks, "Hey, do you think we should call 911 for that car behind us?"

I reply, "No way. I'm busy reading the nasty little comic book that came with my new CD. Ha ha... Look at the cartoon werewolves fucking these virgins in the ass! What fun!"

She shakes her head and laughs. After 21 years, she gets me. Good thing, too.

Only a couple miles to our goal, we see a huge bloody pile of animal carcass on the side of the road, teaming with fresh maggots and busy buzzing flies. We ask each other what animal it could have been. Its so fucked up, discombobulated and mushy in some parts (it was headless, too) that we couldn't make out what the hell it was before it became a hairy, bloody, putrid mass of freakishness.

We both said, almost simultaneously, "I'm hungry."

After dropping money off at the travel agency for our upcoming cruise, we decide to throw a bunch of cash at a better-than-decent restaurant. Finally comfortable and salivating at the menu items, a family with a herd of children are soon seated right the fuck next to us. The whole place has maybe five customers in it (due to the odd time of day we came) and they seat two adults and a small army of kids next to good ol' quiet us. Why? I figure they do that in order to make it easier on the server. Put every asshole in a single row of tables. Fuck the customer if they want to eat in peace and not have a fucker on a cell phone yappity yapping away beside them. Hell, I don't know why they always do that. You tell me!

Of course, the children commence screeching, crying and poking each other's eyes out with forks. Normally, this would be funny -the ruptured eyeballs and all -but they were creating too much noise with their persistent wailing for me too handle. I get easily stressed out nowadays, with all the ugly shit that's happened in the past five years. It makes the diabetes worse, too. I start to shake and lose focus.

Rather than say something to the server like, "Could you move us away from the screeching monkeys beside us?", I ask my wife if she wanted to help me move our glasses and silverware, glasses and napkins to the empty table next to us before the waiter comes back and takes our order.

She does and we move our stuff to the next table.

In the past, I wouldn't have done something like that because I wouldn't want to seem rude to the family of screechers beside us -but now, thankfully, I plain just don't give a fuck anymore. Hell, after talking to two complete strangers (my therapist and psychiatrist) these last 2 years, crying and telling them absolutely everything I was feeling and some heavy secrets that even my wife doesn't know about, I can pretty much do or say anything without much guilt. Plus, this medication I'm on now causes me to be a bit on the aggressive side. Happy, aggressive, energetic and impulsive.

A beautiful combination for me. But not for others. Oh, well. Tee hee.

I cheated on my diet, today and had the full rack of hickory smoked ribs with garlic roasted mashed potatoes. Mmmm. It was yummy. It definitely didn't look like that dismembered caked-with-blood thing we saw on the side of the road, earlier. Speaking of things that are creamy, I also enjoyed a piece of white chocolate banana cream pie.

In the end, it turned out to be a better day than I expected given the way it began. I wonder if that car blew up? Ha ha.

Movie Reviews -#4,037

Alice In Wonderland in 3D -As I promised to do a long time ago, I am finally reviewing this movie.

We got in the theater, put on our 3D glasses and oohed and ahhed while we watched the cool special effects of this movie. All the plants, wild other-worldly Wonderland scenery and computer animated characters really come alive in all manner of colors and textures in this movie. The movie is very trippy and very soothing... in a spiritual kind of way.

The Chesire Cat, Mad Hatter, Caterpillar and Alice were my personal favorite characters.

The core story throughout, is about twenty-ish year old Alice, getting up the courage to make hard choices in life. The exampled choices presented to her are: Accepting a weak dufus' hand in marriage in front of a huge audience of people, a few really piling on the pressure to say "yes". Then there is the choice to tell her "keepers" to get off her back about being a "proper woman" with their idea of being proper actually meaning to be continuously anal retentive and do the supposed "right thing at all times". There are more, but you'll just have to see the movie, if you haven't already. What's also interesting is that other character's in this flick have their own battles within to deal with, as well.

It's easy to empathize with Johhny Depp's character, the Mad Hatter. You'll know why when you see the flick.

Thankfully, Alice musters up the courage to stand up to her battles within herself, to make hard choices in her life. This is a thinking man's/woman's Alice In Wonderland. Sure the 3D effects are great, but I also give this movie an enthusiastic thumbs up for it's philosophical atmosphere and ponderings.

The Men Who Stare At Goats

The movie stars George Clooney, Ewan McGregor, Kevin Spacey and for me, Jeff Bridges, stole the show, so to speak. Jeff Bridges is the real core to this movie.

Produced by prankster, George "Bat Nipples" Clooney, this movie is certainly a wild, sometimes comedic ride. It also, like Alice in wonderland, has a philosophical feel to it, bringing questions of what's right and wrong and real to one's mind. At least, it did for me.

Jeff Bridges is Bill Django, the genius behind the Army unit that uses their psychic abilities to find hostages through using "remote viewing" (which means attempting to get a mental picture, a "snapshot", of some far off actual event and/or location) and finding ways to defend the country through peaceful means. Even if it means, turning invisible and running through walls. Unfortunately, Kevin Spacey's character spoils the project for everyone but thankfully gets a little comeuppance towards the end. I will say no more.

Ewan McGregor's part, the reporter who narrates and is a vital character in the movie is told, by Clooney's character, how an Army Officer, Django, put together the New Earth Army philosophy and the team of recruits, who are encouraged to use their special abilities . We're shown how Django traveled throughout the world during the sixties and seventies, learning all manner of incredibly enlightening, yet sometimes, slightly goofy beliefs and how to accomplish fantastic feats with only your mind.

The journey that the viewer takes in this movie is the main part of this flick. The movie has inspired me to want to go out and buy the book by Jon Ronson (the actual reporter), who investigated the original story of this actual part of U.S Army history. The book is likely more detailed and even more fascinating. Then, I'll have my own investigating to do. Heh heh.

In summary, I give the Men Who Stare At Goats a very solid (not invisible) thumbs up.

And Now, Finally, Something Tasteful

3 Of The Oddest Marine Creatures I've Ever Seen

Image of a bizarre sea horse. They've always appeared to me as something from another planet. What do you think? If you woke up to a 3 or 4 ft. long sea horse next to ya, or even a bunch of regular sized ones, laying in your bed, next to ya, in the middle of the night... I'm betting you would have a stroke and shit your briefs or crotchless panties at the same time! Yay Ho and Sing to BeeJesus! And if you prove you won't end up floundering around like a diabetic fish outta water then... then... Well, I don't know.

In Germany, a catfish met its doom when it tried to eat a soccer ball that was floating in the river. The police in Germany, upon seeing this, were a little freaked out. Wonder why? So why in the hell would a catfish try to eat a soccer ball?

And I can't get a scrap of info on this fish. If you know name of it let me in on it. Looks like the Giant Snot ball Fish.