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Thursday, February 25, 2010

Toadie in "Happy Anniversary"

Maggie was the first of the two to wake up that morning when she heard the knock on her bedroom door. She knew it would have taken more than that to stir Rufus from his slumber. Maggie brushed her red hair from her eyes and then struggled to say, "Yes, Toadie... I'm up." She gave Rufus a slap on his bare ass to awaken him. Rufus' eyes opened wide.

"What the hell?" he asked, perturbed.

Toadie opened the door, immediately and waddled his short stocky self over to Maggie. Maggie saw the tray he was carrying. It had two covered plates of food on it, along with two glasses of juice and plastic eating utensils. Rufus and Maggie had found out the hard way that due to Toadie's condition, having sharp objects in the house was not a wise option.

It was one year to the day, that Rufus and Maggie had taken Toadie into their home. When they had found him, he was in an alley, between a burnt down house and a pet shop. He had been pacing back and forth, mumbling to himself. What was left of the house had been Toadie's home. His second cousin, Ralphy, lived with him and took care of him. Unfortunately, for Toadie, Ralphy had set himself and the small house they lived in on fire with a lit cigarette, while falling asleep. Toadie had been four blocks away at the park that early evening, throwing rocks in a man made pond, unaware of the fire at the time. When he smelled smoke, faintly, he thought he had cut a fart, without realizing it.

While Maggie and Rufus walked towards the pet shop to look at puppies for sale, they spotted Toadie in the alley. Feeling sorry for him, they took him to their home. And there, he stayed. Instead of getting a dog that day, they gained a Toadie.

Toadie went over to Maggie's side of the bed with the surprise breakfast.

"Toadie made you something special," explained Toadie, "It's our one year anniversary together, you know."

"Yes," said Rufus, still rubbing his eyes, "We know. Great, isn't it?"

His sarcasm was completely lost on Toadie. It wasn't that Rufus didn't care for Toadie. It was the fact that Toadie could be difficult to take care of, at times. And waking up from a sound sleep by a slap on the ass wasn't helping his mood.

Maggie showed her routine act of excitement. "Wow! What did you make for us this time, Sir Toadie?"

Toadie raised the plastic cover from one plate and said, triumphantly, "Toadie made you eggs and brownies and juice! Almost everything here was made from Toadie!"

Rufus roused himself from bed and stuck his feet in slippers before correcting Toadie. "You mean almost everything here was made by you, not from you. Two different things."

"Okay," said Toadie, as he set the tray of food on the wooden chest at the foot of the bed. He smiled, gleefully, while digging his hand into his pajama bottoms. Maggie saw him scratching his nutsack and quickly turned her head back to the tray of food, wondering if he had done that before making breakfast. She thought, If I smell a sweaty man's scrotum just before I take a bite out his brownie, I'm going to be ill and then I'll have to make some lame excuse up in order not to eat it.

Rufus grabbed Maggie's plate and his own off the chest. Famished from last light's lovemaking, Rufus didn't hesitate digging into his eggs. Short, hefty Toadie jumped up and down, excitedly, clapping his hands. He was so overjoyed that his "bestist buddy" Rufus really liked the eggs. Toadie was about to walk out of the room before Rufus caught Toadie's attention.

"Hey, Toadie!"

Toadie turned around, full of glee, expecting a compliment.

"Yes, Rufus, my bestist buddy in the whole world."

Maggie had already eaten her brownie, finding it to be more delicious than she had expected, when she turned towards Rufus. She was hoping Rufus was going to be a little nicer to him than when he first woke up this morning.

Rufus inquired, "Is this some kind of Hollandaise sauce over the eggs?"

Toadie shook his head, rapidly, indicating it was not. Maggie looked at the sauce covering her eggs and thought it looked familiar.

"No, Silly Nilly," answered Toadie, "Toadie made that special sauce out of his own man seed."

Rufus said, "I... I don't get... what you mean by that." He was clearly nervous.

Toadie exclaimed, "That's Toadie's semen, you dumbass!"

Rufus projectile vomited, sending his eggs with special sauce across the room. He continued to puke for several minutes until he had the dry heaves. Rufus thought he was going to die with the pain so great as it was.

Maggie became distressed, her eyes watering when asked, "And how did you make the brownies, Toadie?"

Cheerfully, Toadie shouted, "Toadie makes Toadie's brownies with only the finest ingredients!"

Maggie hesitated for a moment and then asked, "So what did you use, Toadie?"

Toadie laughed at Maggie's "dumbness" and said, "Why Maggie, Toadie used his very own asshole and a scoop to get Toadie's shit out for the brownies. Toadie even left in the kernals of popcorn from his shit. Oh, and I added flour, eggs and chocolate, too. " Toadie was so pleased with himself and his wonderful gesture of fixing his friends such a fine breakfast, that he immediately pissed himself, creating a small pool around his bare feet.

Maggie retched, violently, puke splattering all over the bedsheets. She suddenly remembered thinking that, while eating Toadie's brownie, she had detected some little nuts of some kind. But, she thought, Those weren't nuts. With this last thought, she vomited with such force, poop spurted out of her anus. Toadie sniffed the air, smelling Maggie's excrement. Excited once more, Toadie exclaimed, "Oh boy, Maggie is going to make some more brownies for us!"


Cupcake said...

Oh god... Next time warn my crazy ass... PLEASE! I beg you! I may be a Crazy Brunette bitch with a truckers mouth but I literally have the weakest stomach in world!!!!

I'm going to kick you're ass from here to fucking Japan once the fucking chunks quit rising up my throat asshole!!!

Oh god...

Kelly said...

Oh happy greetings, Cupcake! I hope you were eating something creamy while reading that story! Or, dare I hope, a super chunky sweet brownie? Ha ha hahaha.

Looking forward to a good ass kickin' when you're done retching. Now you have a wonderful day, now, ya hear? LOL

Ms.Cupcake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cupcake said...

I hate you with a passion!!! Oh and because I HATE you soooo much, when I get my new layout all situated and let me tell its going to be fucking kick ass, I'm going to put your button on my page. I want everyone to have to go through all that I do!!!! Does it have to be so disturbing looking??? :)

Oh and that was me up top, I am designing a friend of mines blog, and the cunt STOLE my name!!! But, I was logged in under her account and didn't realize it!

Kelly said...

Oh, was wondering about that up above. And I hope you're able to get your layout done the way you like. For real! For my own, I was talking to a website designer on the phone for almost three hours -exchanging ideas about what would look right. I would ask... Hmmm... Does this look insane enough to you? She was spooked by the clown, too. Ha ha ha.

Thank you, kindly, for putting my button on your site, in advance. Share the suffering, I always say! My, but you have a delightful potty mouth. LOL. Have a nice day now, ya hear?

Dark Slander said...

Hrmm... So much hate!!! It seems Cupcake has fallen pray to the dark side.

All I can say is I thought the story was funny, sounds like something comedy central would buy and make a show around. It should probably star you though.

Kelly said...

Glad ya liked it, Slander. Yes, I do believe Cupcake has fallen to the dark side. Actually, I think she might have been there already. Tee hee.

I don't want to be a star that bad! Comedy Central would probably use the REAL stuff on me, causing me to be throw up till I bleed. And we couldn't have that! :-)

The Wolf said...

Your post was kind of like a really bad car accident, you know the ones where 50 cars are smashed into the ass end of a semi that exploded. People are running around crying out "My hair is on fire, my hair is on fire" but still you continue to watch transfixed by the horror of it all.......I loved it your a sick sick man

Kelly said...

HAHAHA! That's a good analogy, comparing it to that kind of horrific scenario. That would be cool, btw. But I wouldn't want to be directly involved. That's funny.

Glad you liked it. And yeah, I know, I am sick, sick man. And I'm proud of it! Don't forget... I'm an evil bastard, as well. :-)

klahanie said...

My oh effin' my. Now aint this a gross story. I must assume this would not be recommended bedtime reading for the kiddies.
This gives a whole new meaning to 'toadstool':-)
Thanks for making me violently ill. Much appreciated. I gonna' send the 'wee folks' over to kick your butt!
With respect and kindness, your way, Gary:-)

Kelly said...

Hi, Gary... Glad I could make your day! :-)

"Toadstool" HA! HA! Indeed. Funny. I can't wait for the wee folk to stop by. I'll have a very special surprise waiting for them. Do they like brownies?

Take care, friend.

Me-Me King said...

I loved this story, is that wrong?

Only you, my friend, only you.

Kelly said...

Nah... It's not wrong to love the story. Toadie can be a spiritual, inspirational figure to us all.

Haha. Take care, Me-Me.

vineyardroad said...

I am sitting here laughing my ass off... haha! Great story... in a really disturbed sort of way..

Kelly said...

Thanks, Penny. And also... Thanks Be To Toadie, For He Is Our Lawd & Saviourrrrr. I'll be stopping by your site, tomorrow.

The little woman only 2 inches tall) is calling me now.

Cupcake said...

Totally late fallowing up on this because I'm a very important person you know. I'm very busy!

Damn right I've ALWAYS been on the dark side! Is there any other??? If there is, there's no fucking way it as awesome as the dark side bitches!

ALMOST done with my layout!!!

Kelly said...

Hey, Cupcake... How ya doin'? I know you're a very important person. :-) I see you on TV and in the papers all the time. lol

The Dark Side Bitches kind of sounds like a biker gang. Glad to hear you're almost done with your layout. Looking forward to seeing it!

Cupcake said...

I'm stuck on ONE MOTHER FUCKING IMPERFECTION!!! I just can't get it right and I'm getying fucking pissed! Now leave me alone so I can go read your NEW post!

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