This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

End of The World Delight

Hey gang, let your old pal, Uncle Kelly, tell ya the tale of a lil' planet of long ago. It was called, oddly enough, Idiotica, and it was outrageously overpopulated with a bunch of wacky two legged creatures. They were called DumbAsses.

Now they say the DumbAsses on planet Idiotica started out as crazy turd-throwin' monkeys. But I don't know about that. I have my own theory that seems a bit more sensible. I think a bunch of messed up, drug lovin' aliens got bored one week and dropped by perfect Idiotica for a bit of experimental hooha. Since the aliens didn't poke each other in the porkholes anymore and they were gettin' tired of lookin' at all of the mountains, oceans and trees- I think they decided to break up the monotony of living on Idiotica with an act that would change everything on the planet. Yes sir, the aliens decided to make a new species of being with their advanced technology. Thus, the DumbAsses were emanated. The aliens, seeing what they created, were so embarrassed, they took off like a flea and didn't come back for a real long time.

So after the aliens left the DumbAsses to make decisions for themselves, the Early DumbAsses right away began playing "Take Mr. Stinky and Push Him Into The Taco of Love." When they weren't doing that, they would hunt down vermin, eat til their bellies bloat and hit each other with sticks.

Oddly enough, a lot of the inhabitants of Idiotica delighted in their worship of inanimate objects. The theory being- If ya sing your praises to a rock, the rock will give your people a head of lettuce and other stuff. Here's a sample of a couple of their prayers:

Oh statue of a god I just made up
Please tell me what I should do.
Should I take my first born
And drown him in the river
Or allow him to grow up to be a fine DumbAss like me?

Another one...

Oh big ol' shiny ball in the sky
You are so great
And look so good up there
Could you make it so we have enough beans for the winter
I love you

Later, the folks of Idiotica moved on to praying to deities they couldn't see. A lot of times, they would fight over their deities and beliefs and cause plentiful bloodshed for anyone who didn't believe what they believed. They even had festive events called Inquisitions where they would pick a disbeliever out from the crowd and slowly torture them to an agonizing death. Ha ho! They sure knew how to have a jolly ol' time!

It's been on record in the history books that one of the knights, during a holy war, had this to say, as he plunged his sword into the chest of an unarmed DumbAss, "Come-come, my good man. Cannot you see the practicality of believing in the glory of my god?" The unarmed DumbAss had this to say, "Ahhhh!" Then he died.

During the Industrial Age, The DumbAsses made something that would change their world for years to come. It was called pollution and they used it to slowly poison themselves to death. Hurray!

Another wacky thing the DumbAsses liked ta do was cut down trees. They weren't happy, it seemed, until they cut down every last one. When all the rain forests were wiped out, they noticed (a bit too late) that good clean air and oxygen was a bit scarce.

A lot of crazy things they did to pollute and ravage the planet also changed the weather. It was called global warming. Whew! It's gettin' hot in here. Can you kids say s-l-o-w-d-e-a-t-h?

The main objective of living on Idiotica, of course, was to get more moola (money). And enough was never enough for the typical DumbAss. And the more ya had, the more other DumbAsses seemed to respect ya. Which is funny and truly pathetic when ya think about it. Ha ho! Those crazy DumbAsses loved and worshiped those lil' green pieces of paper more than any other god on Idiotica. In fact, the whole ecosystem of Idiotica was forsaken for the Almighty Dollar. Golly!

Every so often, the DumbAsses of Idiotica would elect a new president, king or puppet. One country of DumbAsses, in particular, prided itself on being free. Free ta do what? The only freedom these DumbAsses really had was the right to vote for a new ruler every so often. They didn't get to make the laws of their land. They didn't get ta decide how much money would be ripped out of their paychecks to support their government. And many times, the DumbAsses' government would control the DumbAsses by telling them lies and forcing them to watch ancient reruns of Gilligan's Island or worse yet, The Jerry Springer Show. Excuse me now- while I puke up a Toyota.

And good gollykins but those DumbAsses enjoyed a good war. It would always be about land, religion, fossil fuels or the color of skin. These DumbAsses would kill each other like there was no tomorrow. Crazy fun for one and all! They wouldn't be satisfied until they had annihilated almost everybody in a big ol' murderous frenzy.

Now a couple DumbAsses would try to rally people for the cause of peace.

Peace. Peace. Peace. That's all they would talk about. They, of course, were killed instantly. Where did they think they were? On another planet or something?

The world wars that would be engaged in later were over food, water and the basic necessities of life. Strangely enough, instead of pulling together so that their species had a chance of surviving, they continued to kill and kill and kill one another. Imagine that!

Finally, the aliens came back to check up on the DumbAsses, ready to introduce themselves proper and such. But when they arrived, they saw that the folks on Idiotica had enough nuclear warheads and other high powered weaponry to entirely destroy their planet 50 X 3 plus 2 and decided the DumbAsses were intent on killing themselves and weren't worth their time and trouble.

With the advent of the predicted Final World War, the seas and oceans boiled while the lands of Idiotica burned with the fires of nuclear devastation. Alas, there was to be no surviving for any DumbAss due to complete widespread fallout and radiation. And did I mention fire? Woohoo!

What started out as a perfectly beautiful, life sustaining planet was eventually turned into a perfectly destroyed ashen rock of lifelessness. The End.

Gosh, you sure didn't see that coming. Did you? Ha ha! Well, this is Uncle Kelly, bidding you a joyous farewell and sweet happy dreams. Aloha, adios and goodbye!


klahanie said...

Well howdy Uncle Kelly,
A very clever, funny, provocative and yet, sad story that could draw some disturbing parallels to a world we might be all too familiar with.
Lets hope it aint too late on a certain world we should all love and respect.
Have a wonderful time, my friend, and see y'all when you return.
In peace, Gary

bazza said...

Kelly, I think you got a better handle on things than that self-declared 'anthropologist' who posted that million-word comment last week!

Gucci Mama said...

Kelly, baby, I don't always see it your way, but I love peeking into the way your mind works. You are delightful.

Andrew G. Carson said...

And I thought I was on some good shit I'm guessing yours aint legal, lol, great post Kelly funny as fuck you could say and on a side note I was talking to a blogger the other day and told him to check out your blog so look out for a really ugly mother who calls himself donkeycock3d, I shit you not that‘s what he calls himself, lol..

Brand New Day said...

Luckily, unbeknown to the Dumbasses, there was an underground culture called the Blogvites, which contained a secret society who called themselves "The Ones Who Got It", who were distinct from The Eco-greenies (who printed copious literature on how to avoid paper waste), because they actually GOT the fact that it's ALL ABOUT PEOPLE, NOT MONEY OR STUFF. Luckily, The Ones Who Got It all shared the language (if not spelling) of humour/humor(!). Armed with their three SPECIAL POWERS of IRONY, WIT and SATIRE, they were able to subtley, yet effectively communicate their message of LAUGHTER IS POWER, until the armies of Dumbasses were no longer able to hold weapons, as they were doubled-over laughing so much at the mountains of humour/humor stacked in front of them. Eventually, everyone got the joke. And they all laughed. And planet Idiotica was safe, and everyone got fed, and they passed the best punchlines down through generations to ensure that Idiotica would never again be threatened from the antics of the Dumbasses. And they all lived happiliy ever after!!!
I especially loved reading your collection of tags at the foot of this post - brilliant work!
Bon Voyage, Kelly, thanks for leaving on a high note! ;)

The Wolf said...

Dosen't that little story just warm you're heart and bring a tear to you're eye.......oh wait that's just gas nevermind.......let's nuke some fuckers woo hoo

THE SNEE said...

Double yikes! First butterball jesus and now dumbasses destroying the planet idiotica. "What a relief I live on earth". I'm thrilled that I discovered your site via Khalanie and To Discover much fun to be had amidst the fiery death and destruction!

One of The Guysw said...

Thanks for the depressing but accurate tour through our glorious history. Let's just hope it doesn't end this way. (knock on wood) (Yeah, like that's going to help.)

But something about knocking and wood always lead to good things. :)

Kelly said...

klahanie- Thanks about that first part, Gary. You get me and my twisted sense of humor. '...parallels to a world we might be all too familiar with." ??? Gosh, there were? Heh heh. Yeah, not only do they call me Uncle Kelly but I've been called Captain Obvious or Sarcastic Fucker, as well. Who's 'they'? Hell if I know. :) I certainly agree we should love and respect this world. Too bad it ain't happening.

Hey, thanks also on your last remark. We need the wonderful time, for sure. I'll probably email ya a couple more times before I take off.

Kelly said...

Bazza- Hahaha... Naughty-naughty. :) Take care, friend. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. lol.

Kelly said...

Gucci Mama- That's always been okay if somebody doesn't see things exactly my way. I'd rather see someone being an true individual than a "monkey see-monkey do" kind of imbecile. We have enough conformists on this rock.

And thanks for thinking me 'delightful'. That's what the patrons of the restaurant thought of me today at Frisch's when I belched and cut a great big fart.

Personally, I think they should have applauded. But that's just me. Btw, I'll be checking your answers Monday and that will be it for any posting or commenting. Take care. You are wonderful, too.

Kelly said...

Andrew G. Carson- Hee hee. Nope, not yet. And I agree, I am funny as fuck. Who's Fuck? Seriously though, I'll be on the lookout for Mr. DonkeyCock3d (what a fucked up name)... up until Monday. And what the hell is the '3d' for? Just in case I can't fully picture the junk of a donkey clearly enough in my mind (not that I want to) and that's supposed to help? Ah wait, he said he wasn't just donkeycock- but that he was donkeycock3d. Ah, now I can truly visualize his name for it is in the highly detailed, in-depth 3D format. lol.

Hee hee... Don't mind me. Just livin' up to my other alias- Sarcastic Kelly

Anyway, thanks for spreading the word about my glorious lil' blog. I'll be by yours here in a sec.

Kelly said...

Brand New Day- Wow. Now that is a wonderful fairy tale. Very well written and uplifting. I really like your version. It almost gives one hope that it could have ended that way.


Sadly enough, the Armies of DumbAsses stopped laughing after a few hours at the Blogvites, even though the Blogvites were smarter, wittier and knew the truth of things, and allowed greed and stupidity to take over personae again, and killed everyone and themselves.

Meanwhile, the aliens above watched the fireworks on Idiotica while eating hot buttered popcorn that was low in sodium but not low on taste.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Gosh, it sure does warm your heart. Of course, that could be the heat of the nuclear blast. Who knows? If you have gas that's bringing tears to your eyes, well then, you have nothing but my absolute admiration for the awesome power of your flatulence.

hip hip hooray.

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- Gazooks! Ooooh yes, you sure betcha it's a relief you're here on Earth. Nothing like that could happen here. :P I'm glad you visited my humble blog and I will certainly visit yours and comment, as well, because that's just how I roll.

Fiery death and destruction ahoy!

That should be the latest motto for the people on this rock.

Take care.

Kelly said...

One of The Guys- Why, you're most welcome. I really try to bring a lil' joy into everyone's hearts.

Now sometimes when I stroke my wood, it leads to good things.


But knocking it around? Eh, not so much. :)

dirt clustit said...

kelly, I hear what you are saying, you know I do.

please do not make me punch you

that is all

Static said...

This is quite true. You must be psychic or some kinda prophet or something, Kelly...loved the prayers, they were great lol. Now, bring on the destruction please. This place needs a fiery enema!!

Dark Slander said...

You depress me sometimes, Clown Face. It is a comedic post, but an all true spin on the absolutely moronic cultural practices across time... to be honest we haven't improved much.

Mythology, and Fallacy are quickly driving our species into a self imposed ignorance. This ignorance will ultimately be are undoing as we'll somehow destroy our lovely blue planet or just manage to wipe our selves out.

Anonymous said...

Just dropping by to share a cup of insanity... I can always count on you, Heathen... ;-)

Donda said...


Kelly said...

Whew! Looks like I get to escape from the wife for a few minutes to respond to comments. Here I go:

Static- Sorry to say you're wrong on both counts. I'm actually one of those drug-lovin' aliens that created mankind. Now you know why everyone is so fucked up. All my fault, really. And boy, do I feel ashamed. :) Not.

Don't worry... A Fiery enema is still on the menu. Humans wouldn't have it any other way.

Dirt Closet- I'm not sure what you're saying but thanks for stopping by and offering to punch me.

Dark Slander- What you say is true. I tried, a little bit, to put inject a little humor into it all. As things continue to worsen with the Human Race, this will be harder to do as we all seem to enjoy self-destructive activities.

Depressing? You bet. And now... I shall pay homage to our species by cutting a short yet powerful fart. Thanks for dropping by, Penny, my dear. Be sure to fill your cup to the brim. I have plenty to go around. Heh heh.

Donda- I thank you for the awards. I will place them on my site when I get back from the trip. I'm only able to escape the clutches of my wife for a brief time today. Tally ho.

One of The Guys said...

Hope you're doing well! Are you on vacation?

Kelly said...

The answer is YES to both questions. That's why I'm not posting on my site or commenting on others'. But I'll be back. :)

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I love your blog!

Kelly said...

A Daft Scots Lass- Thank you. For both commenting and stopping by. When I come back to the world of blogging, I'll be visiting your site and commenting, as well. Take care.

Static said...

Well..drug lovin' alien please: this place needs a fiery enema!!

One of The Guys said...

Yo! Just saying hi.

Crazy Brunette said...

What the fuck? Where the fuck are you?

Static said...

Yessiree...good times. I still think you're a psychic prophet and that this place still kinda needs a fiery enema. Also I was a bit disappointed there was no mention of hippo penis in this one.

Static said... battery died before I could plug my phone in and finish my thought. Oh well. I sure hope those retarded aliens repopulate another planet with a smarter species next time. Live and learn!

Anonymous said...

That would be funny as fuck, Uncle ? Kelly! If it weren't so goddamn REAL!

Auntie Kay

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