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Monday, March 9, 2009

Almost Human

This right-on-the-mark rant was offered up by sis, recently.

Have you heard about the woman in Connecticut that had her face ripped off by a 200 lbs chimpanzee named Travis? Ouch. The victim was not the owner, unfortunately. The owner, a rich clueless bitch, called a friend to help her get her pet monkey under control. The friend came into the house and was attacked. Her face is destroyed, eyes put out, fingers bitten off... I think he even hurt her feelings. Policemen were so horrified by the victim’s appearance that they couldn't understand if they were looking at a man or a woman, or even determine at first if she was alive.

The stupid owner did try hard to help her friend and even urged the policemen to shoot him, but when it was all said and done she still said that he was a great pet and there's nothing wrong w/ keeping monkeys in the house.

Travis, who she maintained was an angel, had in fact often stolen her car and the cars of various neighbors. Some neighbors thought he was an interesting novelty, but many (the ones who treasured their fingers and genitals) were afraid of him. Once he bit off most of a policeman's finger when he was trying to help her to get Travis under control, but she bought her way out of that trouble. She regularly gave Travis tea laced w/ Xanax in order to calm his ass down.

St. James and LaDonna Davis—owners of another rich, childless household—also raised a monkey as a human child. They came to Herold’s defense in an interview w/ the "Today Show". They lived in California w/ their pet chimp--dressing him in people clothes and feeding him surf & turf, but eventually placed him in a nearby chimp preserve where they continued to support him w/ the thousands of dollars charged to keep him there. They visited him often. One day in 2005 they took him a birthday cake and sat outside of the monkey cages singing "Happy Birthday" to him. Out of nowhere 2 other large chimps appeared outside of their cages and went nutso. They attacked LaDonna and managed to bite off one of her fingers before St. James sacrificed lots of his body parts trying to save her. He lost much of his face, including his nose; his genitals; all of his fingers; a foot; and, chunks of butt meat.

But this couple still say that chimps are great... "they are so intelligent, so much like people, all of them have different personalities and should be judged separately, like people", etc... When pressed with the question as to why they put their chimp in a preserve years ago rather than continue to raise him at home, they reluctantly admitted that he had bitten off the fingertip of a woman who had attempted to pet him on the head, and they were no longer allowed to keep him in their home. Unmentioned was the fact that he also injured a policeman and an animal control employee, and those are just the incidents that are on record. They appeared in this interview with their lawyer, who made certain that the direction of the "discussion" never ventured into dangerous territory for her rich clients or any Eccentric Childless Rich Fuck organizations.

Ha, Ha, freakin' Ha!!!

Reminds me of these dog owners who are in denial that their dogs are dangerous. Just admit it and then keep them away from everybody else!

The fact that chimps are so intelligent and so much like people is just exactly why they shouldn't be kept as pets!!! I expect that in the long run it's cheaper to simply have a child (naturally, by adoption, or foster care). The chimps are destructive and will have to wear diapers for their whole lives (20-40 years), as opposed to a child who will only need them for a few years. Why would you want a creature in your house that can masturbate and steal your car (not to mention kill you!)? Why not pick up the first homeless person that you see and dress him in people clothes? He would appreciate the surf & turf, the drugged tea, and waking up without frost-bite. He probably wouldn't even bite off your genitals.

I think that the "Octomom" should be implanted with dozens of chimp embryos and put on a deserted island with lots of cameras running to record the outcome. That would be sweet. Seven months later, the title of the Reality show could be "Hey Baby Factory, Pick Up Your Sagging Uterus and Run For Your Life!" (911 call from Connecticut Chimp Owner Sandra Herold to save Friend/Victim Charla Nash. Note the initially smug attitude of the 911 dispatcher) (Davis interview…lo-o-o-ve the attorney’s fuchsia power suit)

Submitted by Pussy Galore


Me-Me King said...

Holy chimp crap! *Splat*

Kelly said...

I don't care for poop-throwin', finger-eatin' monkeys, myself.

Silly Swedish Skier Says So said...

If they could put up with all of that and still love a chimp, they should take their money and become foster parents for extremely high risk cases. Then at least they'd be providing a service to society. That'd be a great court order for them.

Silly Swedish Skier Says So said...

If they could put up with all of that and still love a chimp, they should take their money and become foster parents for extremely high risk cases. Then at least they'd be providing a service to society. That'd be a great court order for them.

Kelly said...

Now that's an angle I never thought of. And a good idea, too. At least they would be providing a real service to society.

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