This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Tweetering With One's Twitter

In the past I thought the Twitter and Facebook social networking websites were kind of an odd joke. A lot of folks go on these sites and tell other folks about every trivial little thing they're doing at the moment. Example: I'm scratching my head and thinking about a donut- or something equally as fascinating. Some people, like me, go on Twitter and Facebook to basically joke around with blog pals and every once in awhile, say something of significance. That last part, about the significance, is mighty rare, by the way. The likelihood of you seeing the U.S. budget deficit decrease in the near future may be a more common occurrence.

Then you have those who use one and/or the other as a way to promote their website, in varying degrees. Of course, there are the family and friends who go on either one of them and have real discussions with each other- at least, as real as a discussion you can have by reading and sending meager 140 character text-based messages (for Titters, that is). With "Fartbook", you have a little more space to write your oh-so-important messages and status updates. But, really, who gives a good shit, right? lol.

And what's the deal with people texting these messages on either one, saying they're not home and they're at this place or the other? I see that sometimes. Isn't that like inviting somebody to break in and rob your place while you're gone? Just a thought.

As you can see, I still think of both websites as kind of a joke. Personally, I use both of them for a little joking between friends and a little blog promoting (very little). It's hard for me to take Fartbook or Titters too seriously.

For your confusion and mediocre entertainment, I thought I would share The Best? of my Tweets on Twitter.

Here they are...

Finally broke down and bought a new electric shaver. Used the nose hair trimmer on my hairy nostrils.Don't worry. It all came out OK.

Except for that booger that got stuck in it

I'm hiring people to test this booby trap that shoots darts at somebody's head. The pay is excellent. I'm offering a Granny apple.

God, I hate frickin' mornings. I don't know how y'all do it. love me long time. Boing!

Was in the shitter stall at a restaurant the other day.Thought of something funny.Started laughing my ass off. I wonder what people thought

You can't take me anywhere. I'm always making a scene.

Earlier, I saw two mothers racing their baby-loaded strollers against each other.I thought it was stupid so I threw a hand grenade their way

I found out three days ago that I can split a wooden chair with one blast of my ass. That's a talent you don't find every day.

I need to clean my keyboard. There's stuff on it I don't recognize.

Annoying people won't stop calling me today. Shut up, annoying people. Go away, please. I don't want your "crazy" right now.

I just got a haircut. Don't ya just hate it when the tiny bits of hair make ya itch around your neck?

Hurry up, coffee. Brew, muthasucka! Brew! I needs ta wake up.

Oh, sweet lawd... the coffee iz ready. Oh life-giving coffee, I wanna make piping hot love to thee. I wanna feel the burn, baby. sssss

I think I'm gonna lay down for a nice nap and dream of naked clown orgies.

Who took my sausage? Where are my notes? Is someone peeking at me from around the corner? Ah! Aliens!

Diddly doo diddly dee- I'm off to climb a tree

The coffee is making me piss a lot this morning. Maybe I should drink less. Nahhhh.

The story has a bit of everything. Wisdom, surrealism and a vagina mouse.

turds... I just thought it hasn't been said enough today

To all who have read my exciting entries thus far, have a good night or morning or whatever it is to you.

My ass cheeks are on fire from sitting too long.. Gotta get up and cornhole some furniture. That will put a smile on my face. Mmmm.

The most popular Google keyword to finding my site is animal genitals- just because I did one post on that subject.

I hear some idiot digging in the trash bin below me in the parking lot. I think he's digging for cans. He does this about every night

This is like talking to yourself but instead- typing on a keyboard. Does this make one crazy?

MERRY GODDAMN CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL. HO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF VALIUM...or whatever it takes to get ya through holiday hell.

In 3 more hours, a tribe of rabid family members will breach my hectic household and wreak chaos, kids, inane chatter and property damage

You can find more Christmas spirit in a frozen turd than you can find in me this year. What a surprise, eh?

Oh for the love of sanity, people, keep your friggin' gifts and just give me a tiny taste of peace and tranquility

Aaaah, look at all the hair on the palms of my hands! I shall repent hastily. wank wank wank


oooh I just bet you do. I'm wearing my special underwear with dark brown skid marks. Are you lovin' it?

Thanks for that information.Now I know you're not home and I can magically transport to your place and spooge on your pillows

Thinking about going for my daily walk in the frozen tundra. Please, no one should attempt to rob the place while I'm away.

I have an attack cat that will rub up against your leg and meow if an intruder should come in

16 degrees F. here right now.The weatherman said if you go outside tonight,naked,you'll get frostbite on your wiener.

My belly is too full for me to sleep. I wish I could take a big plop. Then I would feel good as gold again. Damn these Thanksgiving dinners

gobble gobble... then squish, squirt, plop and splash. Thought the visual might help.

Humunna- Humanna- Humanna... Don't know what it means... but I've heard it before. Goodbye, sanity. Hello, tranquility.

BP CEO Tony Hayward wants his life back. And why does he always have that stupid grin on his face? He seems like an egotistical idiot.

I say we drop Tony in a lake of oil, set it afire and watch the fun.

will there be boobies?

Lick My Salty Meat Sack Today For A Better Brighter Future Tomorrow

Life is a carnival of insanity. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.If they try to, hit 'em with a taser gun or something.

I miss you,you bastard.Hey Qelgoth,I'm back and I'm twice the evil I was before.I make cat fisting look easy now.

Help. Help. I've fallen and I can't stop twittering and saying profound stuff

Remember the good ol' days when Bush and Cheney blew goats and snorted coke off the backs of trannies with Down Syndrome? What fun they had!

Rain, Motherf***ker, Rain! It's pouring down like crazy here. AHA HAHA HAH AHHAH AHAH HAHHAH AHAHHAHH N HAHAHHAJDDIT

The older I get, the more I tire from this crazy human species. This world needs an enema

People who dress their pets in outfits should be taken out to the woodshed for a whippin'

I'm playing cornhole with my goat.

Just got back from my walk around the park. The fountains were spurting green water and the snow is finally melting.

Were you hit by lightning? In the head? Let me help you. There are those committed to helping the deranged. I know.

automagically should be a real word

If lovin' is bad I don't wanna be good

If you hit your thumb really hard with a blunt instrument, your apology will be accepted. :)

My farts smell like fresh made bread or something that smells like it poofed out from the rectum of the Pillsbury Dough Boy

Lordy Lordy, puddin n' pie, kiss da girls and made them fly.

Currently, I'm singing a song I just made up. It's called "I Hate People". If you know the words, you are invited to sing along with me

Neil Young is almost the only remaining cool guy that's still talented and has been around for ages.

Just made a big ol' pot of chili. Salsa is my secret weapon, when added to the pot. Think about it. Salsa has everything you want in chili

It's time for revolution, everyone! Be it yourself or the rest of humanity!

That's it, folks! Hell, if these fascinating entries don't make you wanna FOLLOW ME on Titters, then gosh, I don't know what will. (rolls eyes)


Erika said...

Wow... people really talk a loada crap, don't they. I've only just got into the whole Twitter/Facebook thing myself. Mainly just for my blog though tbh. Otherwise the whole social networking thing doesn't really appeal to me.

bazza said...

Remember when I said you should write a book? I think you have already written it!
By the way, I had to check the meaning of 'cornhole', not a term used in the UK.
Apparently it involves either a game involving the throwing of bean-bags or activity including anal rape; I just need to work out which meaning you had in mind!
Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

The Minute Man's Wife said...

To think of what I have been missing this whole time - alien updates, run away boogers, boobies and turds? Wow, all that and SO much more!!

Did you really break a wooden chair with a fart? Hmmm... I say it's time to up the challenge. Let's see what you can do with metal!!! said...

I'm just going to start using your comments section for my "TMI" tweets.

Balls are itching today. Lefty more than righty... what's up with that?

I wonder if I shaved my cat, if the neighbors would report me to the ASPCA?

Speaking of shaved pussy, where did my girlfriend run off to? She said she'd be back in 10 minutes, and that was over an hour ago...

ResCogitans said...

i really dunno what the fuck twitter is for. am i getting old? (that's rhetorical!)

Kelly said...

Erika- Yes, Erika, they do talk a load of crap. It would be nice if everyone got back to communicating directly to each other again. It might cut down a little on the crap. Not sure about that, either. :) I know what you mean about what else you wrote. Twitter and Facebook is used mainly for the blog. And joking around. Certainly not for serious communication.

Kelly said...

bazza- Do you mean I have written a book's worth of stuff on this particular post or the whole darned blog? lol. In answer to your question, I meant butt-fucking the dining room table. Which is difficult to do- due to the table not having an ass to fuck. It's also difficult because of the splinters I'll sometimes get in my dick. :) Have a blessed Sunday, bazza.

Kelly said...

The Minute Man's Wife- Seeeee. Look at all that high quality info you've been missing out on. Awww... Don't be sad. At least you have the new used car to enjoy. That should take some of the sting out of missing out on so much. :) Why yes, I did split the wood of a chair with my anal cloud of death. I also defiled a table when I cornholed it. So much to do- so little time. :)

Kelly said... That's a good idea. Use away, my friend! I enjoyed your tweets and status updates you listed there. Quite fascinating. Might I suggest dowsing your balls with hydrochloric acid to relieve the itch? Just trying to help.

Kelly said...

ResCogitans- Too late. The question was already asked, even if it was rhetorical. Yes, you're getting old. We are all getting old. It's a natural process in life. I still remember the good ol' days when people would write letters to each other. Imagine that! Golly.

The Wolf said...

When it comes to twitter and facebook I only use them to try to promote my website or videos. Apart from that I can't stand those fucking sites with all the rejects twitting or tweeting or twating or however you say it about how fucking special they are.

Burn them all I say

Anonymous said...

The delicate flower that is Sir Tom Eagerly says:
As you are aware Kelly I am a shy and sensitive soul. Frankly young man this post has shocked me to my Tres Outlaws (from El Paso, Texas) boots.
Ha ha, only joking - the boots are handmade from Lisa Sorrell.
Laugh? I nearly did.

GEM said...

LMFAO.....enough said!?

THE SNEE said...

You so funneeee! if I twittered I would twitter that.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Lol... Know what you mean, dude. I use them for spouting off silly shit and for a lil' promoting. Not everybody on 'em are rejects twitting their twat, though. Most, but not all. 'Burn them all?'... That's sweeeeeeeet. lol. Take care, dude.

Kelly said...

Sir Tom, The Delicate Flower- Well, what a pretty little title you have given yourself. I have to inform you, however that you're not on a gay dating site at the moment, Delicate Flower. And yes, I realize you are a shy and sensitive soul, Sir Tom. That's why I'm being so gentle with you. Now get the fuck outta here! Just joking, dude. Your boots are handmade from Lisa Sorrell? How I envy you!! Cheers, dude!

Kelly said...

GEM- Yes, enough said. Eloquent and to the point. Thank you.

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- So are youuuuu! If you twittered, I would twitter that back at ya. :) Enjoy your evening, Rebecca.

klahanie said...

Hello Kelly n' stuff,
First of all, I'm really sorry I haven't been able to keep up with your blogging frenzy.
Ah yes, 'titter' or 'twatter' or whatever the hell it's called, is an absorbing way to let everyone know what's going on in our very important lives and a great way to plug ourselves. Which reminds me, speaking of plugs, I'm going to shove a cork up my ass and thought you should know this :)
Your list of 'tits' or whatever they are called, are deeply fascinating and thank you for making my day, sorry, my life complete :)
Of course, I prefer seeing your vital profile updates on 'Farcebook', 'Fartbook', 'Fakebook' or whatever the fuck it's called. Yes sir, don't cha know, it's everyone's favourite 'notworking' site.
I really must get my own 'Twitter' account and forward on my message to the world in 140 characters or less, just like you, my good buddy, have done.
Hey thanks for sharing and I hope you had a great weekend. I farted.....and see you over at 'Fartbook' or 'Farcebook'...or 'Fakebook'....:)

Greg said...

That was twitterific! Hilariousness as usual. I always laugh when I read your posts.

My most google phrase for finding my site is my ass itches..because I did a post on it!

Annabelle said...

I have the most adorable kids on the fucking planet, yet I am terrible about taking pictures and a total failure at dispersing them out to the family and friends. Facebook appeals to my lazy side.
Snap, post, done.

I enjoy a good status update when the mood strikes me, but I feel no need to make it highly political platform nor a check in of my bathroom habits.

The exception to this rule: college football season. then it's ON mother fuckers. Bring your trash talk and fly your flags.

Kelly said...

klahanie- No apology needed, my friend. You have a lot more sites to visit and comment on than I do. You can stop by whenever you can. I appreciate it. Hey and thanks for letting me know you shoved a cork up your ass. When you farted, I hope it didn't shoot out like a rocket and hit poor Penny The Pawsome Dog in the head. Glad I could make your life complete with my intriguing list of twats, er, I mean tweets. Yes, those Fuckbook updates are the best, aren't they? So full of important, amazing information on what everyone, not just humble me, are doing at the moment. lol. Yeah, you should really do the Twitter thing if you want to make your life seem more exciting. Meanwhile, see you at Fartbook, Gary. Sending a crusty booger your way, your pal, Kelly.

Kelly said...

Greg- Twitterific! Haha... Oh shit... another word to add to the Twitter lexicon. I noticed when you go on Twitter, they have all these funky Twitterish words off to the right hand column, pertaining to Twitter in some way.

Glad you like my post, dude. That figures that your google search phrase has to do with 'my ass itches'. People are always searching for the most fucked up shit. Btw, I remember when you did that post. It was hysterical, dude. Take care, man. I'll be over at your site tomorrow. I'm running out of time tonight and I've got a self-imposed blog post deadline to meet yet. Later.

Kelly said...

Annabelle- Sounds like you actually use Facebook for practical reasons. Sharing family photos of Facebook to the rest of your family is one of the things I do like about Facebook. Lol on your 'exception to this rule' about college football season. Everyone is passionate about something. Personally I like seeing passion in folks about almost anything- as long as it doesn't involve seriously hurting innocent people. Hey Annabelle, take care of yourself and I truly hope you have days of peace ahead of you. :)

LilPixi said...

You use "automagically" too? Hahaha!

I don't know why or what it is...I'm strangely addicted to tweeting all the unimportant shit I could ever tweet. =/ lol

I must have made 5-10 tweets tonight about going to a Chinese Restaraunt, but I felt strangely compelled to keep sharing details. WTF

Kelly said...

lilPixi- Yes, I do use that word, nowadays. Sometimes just to piss people off. :) Eh well, some people tweet all the details of their lives, some people drink too much, some people do whatever... We all have our own vices. :) I know I do. I have a coffee addiction that's probably fucking up my kidneys. That's a lot worse than tweeting frequently. So I can't judge. Nor should I, really. I'll have to check out your Chinese restaurant tweets later. lmao.

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