This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Liebster Blog Award and The Last Day of The Challenge

Yes, at last. Thanks the gods! This is the last day of my self-imposed blog challenge where I have successfully met my goal of putting a new post up on the blog every day for the month of April. I tell you what. I have to say hats off to those bloggers that can post everyday. Either you guys that can do it are lucky enough to have an extra back pocket full of expendable hours or you have the stamina of an enraged bull elephant- whatever it is- kudos to ya! I really admire ya. Whatever it is, I'm impressed.

At the beginning, it wasn't that hard to post everyday. The first two weeks went like a breeze. That third week- a little tougher. But that last week, all hell broke loose and I didn't think I was going to make it. During the last week of April, everything was coming at me and the Mrs. from every direction. Health scares involving blood clots and risk of heart failure... check. Wife getting a new job with some unexpected problems accompanying that bit of good news involving the new job... check. Family gathering tensions around Easter... check. Being lied to by my wife's present-for-the-moment employers (for only another week) and thus creating panic and problems for several days... check. Lack of sleep from all of these worries and then some... check. All of that- in one week. And yet, here I am, hanging onto my last shred of sanity. I even managed to do a successful, hilariously twisted guest post, during this self-imposed blog challenge, on LilPixi's blog, It's a Lollipop World, while she is still mending from her surgical procedures.

Damn, I'm the man. Insanity and grace under pressure. Sure, I cheated a bit with a couple video-or-pictures-only-kind-of posts. Any monkey can do them. But overall, I'd have to say, I'm the greatest. And I'm modest, too. Wink. Wink.

Oh, and did I mention that I got not one, not two but three blog awards during this one month period of time? Man, you love me. You reeeeaaally looooooove meeeeeee. :P

This last week, I have fallen behind on commenting on my fellow bloggers' blogs. I will make reparations for this after today. Because of all the personal trouble and lack of sleep going on in the background, I fell woefully behind in my usual up-to-date blog post commenting. I apologize for this. I'll be taking a break from posting on my blog this following week because I need the rest from all the troubles and also because I want to gradually catch up on the blogs I've been missing out on.

One blogger, in particular, I want to point out, now, is DocStout. He is the blog author of What's Next?- The Unemployed Geek. This guy runs a terrific blog about gaming, movies, comics and many fun, zany subjects. His blog is a fun, informative read that shouldn't be missed and I truly appreciate the award he just gave me not long ago. I can now add the Liebster Blog Award to my nearly exploding-from-within trophy case. Look in the furthest right hand column for said bulging case. Tee hee. Gosh, I'm modest.

A special thank you to DocStout for this special award of acknowledgement. You're pretty damn cool, dude.

I thanks the gods the rules for this particular blog award are simple and to the point:

The Liebster Blog Award. Like many other blogging awards, this one asks you to "pay it forward" by passing it on in turn to deserving blogs, particularly 3-5 blogs with less than 300 followers.

Hooray! No redundant questions or over reiterated facts I have to answer and say about myself, for a change. What a relief!

In accordance to the rules and because I like to spread the awards around a bit when I pass them on- I want to award these three very worthy award recipients and I ask that my readers please check these awesome bloggers out. I only award those who I deem worthy. Here they are:

* Pickleope is a recent blog I've come to befriend and enjoy. The writing is extremely funny and entertaining. "Sketch comedy in written form, a Pickleope is the charmingly absurd offspring of a pickle and an antelope."

* Drama Queen from White Trash Chronicles writes this blog. This blog features funny subject matter and down-to-earth true life tales. Drama Queen offers a fresh honest approach in everything she writes. Highly recommended.

* Porkstar from Le Porkstar has a trippy, balls-to-the-wall outlandish blog that really jibes with me in both it's humor and outright wackiness. If you want to read humorous stories and unique observations on life, check out this dude's blog.

So there you have it, folks. I'm taking a well deserved week off from posting on my own blog but I'll be back after that. Meanwhile, I'm going to rest up a bit and gradually catch up on the rest of your sites. Don't worry. I haven't forgotten any of you. Take care, all of you and be well.

Friday, April 29, 2011

I Have Lost....

.... My Fucking Mind!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

One Hundred and Sixty Four Tornadoes and At Least 280 Deaths

I found this to be more important to talk about than any Royal Wedding, any birth certificate of a current president or all the rest of that crap the media blathers on about these days. Let's get real, folks. This is real news involving real lives. And it really puts things into perspective.

The National Weather Service reported 164 tornadoes struck, yesterday, on April 27.
Wednesday's tornadic supercell storms, that killed upwards of 280 people in a wind-driven rampage across the Midwestern United States, is the first of its caliber to have been forecasted and monitored through its progression with such first-hand accounts and eyes-in-the-sky intensity. Most of the tornadoes were at least a mile wide. Here's footage of some of the tornadoes captured by people, who, in my opinion, got just a little too close. 280 people now, have been noted as being dead from the destruction, for the record. But the count is still rising as more bodies are found.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Please Enjoy The Live Squid Sashimi

The best part is when it stands up. He's saying, "Eat me! Eat me!"

As you can tell, I didn't have the time to put up a big post tonight. Maybe tomorrow, I'll have better luck. But, I thought, this might provide everyone with a look at something that isn't seen everyday... at least not by most people.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Too Disgusting For Me

You know you've lived too long in this world when you've been around long enough to see a clothes company selling push up bras for little girls. That's right. In case you haven't heard, Abercrombie & Fitch are now selling push-up bikini bras for 7 to 14 year old little girls. The bra's padded cups and halter tops promise to lift and emphasize what little boobs the girls have before puberty.

Why in the fuck is this a reality?

I mean I don't get it. This goes way beyond sick to me. And I'm a pretty sick puppy.

The Abercrombie & Fitch company are the same stinking douchebags that sold (don't know if they're still selling them) a line of thongs for 7 year olds, in 2002, that were decorated with the words "Eye Candy" and "Wink Wink". These fuckers should absolutely be killed. Any parent buying any of this crap for their little daughters should be taken out to the woodshed and given forty whacks with a machete.

Push-up bras are sex tools. That's it. Ridiculously deceptive sex tools, at that. What kind of people would endorse this crap for kids? Bad enough that adults do this and the Botox injections and the other superficial bullshit that people do because they believe appearances to be so fucking important. Why would you push your kid into trying to be more adult-like? Do you want some pervert to rape them? If that isn't the parent who would buy something like this and Abercrombie & Fitch's goal, I don't know what it could be. After it's all said and done, that will be the likely result sooner or later. Who knows? It's probably already happened.

I feel the same way about these little girl beauty pageants you see on TV these days. The parents dress their little girls up, sometimes barely over the age of four, maybe not even that old, in tiny revealing dresses, tu-tu's, gaudy jewelry and so much make up that only a whore would wear. Then they have them compete with other little girls in revealing outfits and have them dance seductively and act like a slut on stage before a cheering audience. The parents that enter their little girls into these contests are more depraved than I could ever imagine. It boggles the fucking mind. I might write about some sick shit at times, but I would never involve children and I sure as hell wouldn't make up these pervert-watching TV shows for all the child molesters out there, drooling and ogling.

The kids are the real victims here. They don't know any better. They think they're just playing "dress up" but on a grander scale. But the parents and adults, in general, should know better. They must be doing it for profit or fame or to somehow live their warped dreams through their kids. Whatever the excuse, it's not good enough and completely wrong in so many ways.

Hey, if you wanna watch something that goes so far beyond good taste and good sense, watch Toddlers and Tiaras. It's one of those little girl beauty pageants shows and it's on a channel that I thought would have the decency enough NOT to have something like this on their schedule- The Learning Channel. This irresponsible show was so creepy and frightening to witness, I had to turn it off after just a few minutes. It made me sick. And it takes quite a bit to make me sick. On second thought, don't watch this shit! I wouldn't subject anybody to watching anything this distasteful. Go watch a porn, featuring a bunch of burnt out crack whores and sexually diseased freaks, instead. It would be a helluva lot more wholesome and less degrading, for sure.

Well, that's all I can say about this kind of thing. I think I'm going to go out for a walk pretty soon and try to clear my mind. Shit like this really agitates me.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Memories of Easter

I remember when my sister and I were kids and the family wasn't so fragmented, as it is now, and we would get baskets upon basket of Easter Candy. I recall cleaning up one Easter, getting about 12 baskets of nothin' but candy. This is when there were a lot more family members still alive to give us this much candy and everyone was still getting along with each other. Those memories of real family togetherness seem so distant now. It makes me sad.

After getting together at church, sitting together during mass in the pews, we would all go to grandma's house and eat a big Easter dinner and laugh and talk and share stories from the past. All of us would have so much fun, coloring the Easter eggs, too. Mom and the rest of us kids would have the greatest time, coming up with the cleverest designs.

What a joyful time it was.

But... getting back to the candy...

Any candy made of chocolate, white, milk or dark was yummy to me. Couldn't stand those friggin' marshmallow peeps, though. They were like biting into air. I preferred those little chocolate egg candies and bunny rabbits. Damn, I would go to town on those. Sometimes, I believe it's a real wonder that I didn't develop diabetes at an earlier age instead of my mid-thirties.

Now, the hollowed out chocolate rabbits were easy eatin'. But those big 2 or 3 pound solid chocolate bunnies might has well have been made out of granite. I would spend the next four or five days gnawing on all of them sonsofbitches. The ears, of course, are always easy, but the rest, not so much. I think I lost a fucking tooth one year, trying to consume one of these motherfuckers. By the time I was done using my teeth, scraping chocolate shavings off of those chocolate monstrosities, my gums would be bleeding and my face would look like I had dipped my head into a mountain of turds.

There would be times I would use a friggin hammer to bust the concrete-like bunnies apart into bite size chunks. Most of the time, though, my impatience to devour the chocolate would cause me to bust my thumbnails apart with the hammer while holding the bunny on the table. My insatiable appetite for chocolate was that severe.

While deep in my chocolate frenzied ecstasy, growling like a insane wildebeest, teeth gnashing on my chocolate, my younger sister would try to sneak a little of my candy away. Big mistake. I would snarl, malevolently and push little sis away from my big brown bounty as if the 12 baskets of candy were the last baskets of candy on Earth.

When I would say to her, "Eat your own candy," there would be huge globs and strands of chocolaty goo hanging from my upper lip and over my lower jaw and dripping down my chest. I likely appeared as some hideous little monster. But I didn't care. I was in the throes of utter chocolate delight. Day and night, I would gobble on the chocolate. I would be chowing on the chocolate either in bed or outside on the swing set or in the car or in our trees. Wherever- it didn't matter. Finally, after four or five days, I finished it all off.

Sure, I'd need some dental work done by the time I had completed the task, but at least I felt satisfied.

Nowadays, with mom gone from our lives and our family being as fragmented as it is, we (our little group of seven) are lucky to even celebrate Easter. Later today, sometime, we'll go to my sister's place and eat a meal, hide some Easter eggs for my little nieces to find and share stories of the good ol' days, hopefully- maybe even share some nice stories of the present. Even more hopefully, Dad won't be in one of his verbally abusive and extremely negative moods but you never know these days.

Really, the most enjoyment I get out of Easter, anymore, is watching and hearing the laughs and giggles from my nieces as they try to find the Easter eggs. It gives me some happiness to try to help hide the eggs in some tricky locations just to see if they'll be able to discover them before nightfall. Heh heh. And it's a big, fun competition between the two, usually and it's really quite humorous, observing them as they hunt in the bushes, behind the trees and other places. Everything else, at least to me, is just a sad reminder of how good things used to be.

Here's hoping everyone truly has a HAPPY EASTER today. Always remember the good times and always try to create or inspire the good times. You never know how long they're going to last. Take care!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Doesn't It Piss You Off When...

.... people don't give you a straight answer?

.... people want you to drop whatever the hell you're doing to do something with them?

.... people drop in, without calling first?

.... people cut in line in front of you?

.... people talk incessantly about the Royal Wedding, President Obama, a celebrity or something else that people get tired of hearing about?

I just thought I'd bring this awfully important stuff up because I really don't have anything else to post about today. You can complain if you want but I'll probably just sit here, laugh, scratch my ass or check out those important status updates that people delight in putting on Fartbook that are so riveting and uplifting and stuff. Hell, I might even make myself a cup of coffee, look at the non-stop pouring rain outside my window or yell something to my wife who is sitting about two rooms away and then she'll yell back, "What?! I can't hear you?! Come in here if you want to talk to me?!"

Then I'll yell back, "Wait a minute! I couldn't hear exactly what you said! I've got the music on too loud in here! Maybe if I come in the room where you're at, I'll be able to hear you better!"

She'll scream back, "Whaaaaaat!?"

Then I'll get up from the chair, here, grab my coffee off the desk and walk into the room, sit down and try to talk to the wife while she's watching a previously recorded daytime talk show and become so bored with what I'm seeing that I begin to drool, nod off and go to sleep. This is when the cat will suddenly jump into my lap, causing the cup of piping hot coffee to spill onto my crotch. Of course, I'll scream like a maniac, which in turn, will piss off my wife.

She'll shout, "Why don't you go back in the other room if you're going to make all this racket! I'm trying to catch up on "Ellen" (or it could be "The View") and you won't stop screaming over a little hot coffee splashed over your nuts!"

So... after I wipe the coffee off of my burnt nutsack, the chair and the floor, I'll come back in here and start typing out something profound for a post- you know... something like this.

Thanks. You've been a great audience. In case I don't say it tomorrow... HAPPY EASTER, EVERYONE.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Earth Day: We Must Realize It's Our Only Home

There are no passengers on Spaceship Earth. We are all crew. ~Marshall McLuhan, 1964

There is hope if people will begin to awaken that spiritual part of themselves, that heartfelt knowledge that we are caretakers of this planet.
-Brooke Medicine Eagle

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
-George Carlin

Man must feel the earth to know himself and recognize his values.... God made life simple. It is man who complicates it. ~Charles A. Lindbergh, Reader's Digest, July 1972

I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority. ~Elwyn Brooks White, Essays of E.B. White, 1977

A living planet is a much more complex metaphor for deity than just a bigger father with a bigger fist. If an omniscient, all-powerful Dad ignores your prayers, it's taken personally. Hear only silence long enough, and you start wondering about his power. His fairness. His very existence. But if a world mother doesn't reply, Her excuse is simple. She never claimed conceited omnipotence. She has countless others clinging to her apron strings, including myriad species unable to speak for themselves. To Her elder offspring She says - go raid the fridge. Go play outside. Go get a job. Or, better yet, lend me a hand. I have no time for idle whining. ~David Brin

I think the environment should be put in the category of our national security. Defense of our resources is just as important as defense abroad. Otherwise, what is there to defend?
-Robert Redford

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect. ~Chief Seattle, 1855

After a visit to the beach, it's hard to believe that we live in a material world. ~Pam Shaw

Humanity is on the march, earth itself is left behind. ~David Ehrenfeld, The Arrogance of Humanism, 1978

Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise we cannot eat money. ~Cree Indian Proverb

We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if mankind is to survive.
-Albert Einstein

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Male Lion Makes a Funny Noise...

... when he orgasms. The human female seems impressed.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

It's 420 Day!

A brief history of 420 Day

I'll have the, uhhhh... I forget

The Terminator getting fried

Now... this is a pipe

Even the chipmunks are chillin'

Do you, uhhh... see green people?

Yoda shares his wisdom

The M & M guys enjoying a break

A valid point being made

A brief, humorous history of the herb

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Characters We Encounter On The Internet and Beyond

When I say the word "characters" in the post title here, I'm thinking of it in two different perspectives. The first being that the character is a living, breathing person you will meet on the internet or in real life. The second perspective is much deeper in that the character is something, a persona, if you will, someone portrays and maybe even pretends to be on the internet and in real life.

Of course, there are those whose character, or mask that the character wears that comes pretty close to who they really are inside. I personally don't believe everyone is able to mirror exactly who they are inside with what they show on the outside. No one can be completely transparent and, in truth, I believe each person will act at least a tiny bit differently from who they are or how they feel according to where or who they are with at the time- whether it's on the internet or in real life. Even sweet and adorable me is like this. It's just human nature. No harsh judgments are to be presumed or assumed here, necessarily.

Still with me so far? Hahaha. Yes, this will be one of my more serious posts- sort of. Don't run away! Be brave, soldier! You've got the guts and the stamina... or something. :)

I'm going to describe some of the following characters that we encounter, time to time, on the internet and in real life. Some rub us the wrong way. Some inspire us and make us happy. And then others, well, you get the picture... perhaps. :) While describing these characters, you could also interpret these "characters" as not really characters, really, but qualities that people have or don't have. It's all in how you interpret it... all a matter of perception.

Ready for the ride? Buckle up. In no particular order, I present to you...

Grammar and Punctuation Nazi

This irritating piece of shit will delight in showing you the errors of your grammatical ways to instill in themselves a sense of self-importance. You normally encounter these assholes on the internet in the forums, social networking sites, blogs and more. As long as everyone can understand each other, I encourage the Grammar and Punctuation Nazis to go fuck themselves with their over-inflated, dildo-shaped egos so far up their colons, that they cause ruptures, internal bleeding and painfully hemorrhage to death while gloating about where the semi-colon should be placed.


These characters of which I'm talking about are the type of folks that will encourage you to do something positive in your life, whether it's in your attitude toward a problem or a course in life you may wish to give some thought toward. They're also beneficial in consoling you with words and/or actions in order to make you feel better during difficult times. These kind folks are truly the precious gems and great finds amongst the piles of living, breathing shits that surround us in real life and on the internet. Kudos to the Supporters!

Missing The Point Prick

This person or character will purposefully or not purposefully miss the point you are trying to make in a blog post or in a real life discussion. He or she will usually pick one teeny bit or particle of something you've said that really didn't have that much to do with the point you were trying to make, overall, and then proceed to create an entire debate, diatribe or whatever over that one insignificant word or phrase. The "Missing The Point Prick" is closely related, in many aspects, to Devil's Advocate, who I will get to in a few seconds.

Passionate, Direct and Honest People

As I grow older in life, I've noticed there are less and less of these types existing these days. Passion has been replaced by true or false statistics or what is fed to us by corporations, governments, some college courses, books or people we sometimes blindly follow without question. Being direct and honest is covered with outright lies, heavy blankets of sometimes deceptive subtlety and the continuous fear that we shouldn't make waves because it will make certain supervisors, family members, friends, characters you interact with on the internet and more either uncomfortable or angry. I applaud those who are brave enough and passionate enough to be direct and say the truth about things how they really are. Life is too short for bullshit and we already have a surplus in that. Kudos to the PD and H people out there!

Trolls, Spammers and Link Droppers

Kill them all.

Positive Informers

These good folks will actually supply people with information and/or points of view that either benefits others or entertains them in some way. Humor bloggers, history bloggers and a whole variety of bloggers fit into this category- not that I'm trying to fit anyone into a particular category. There are some folks, like me, who are able to write about anything. Blessed are the versatile writers- for they know no limits to their capabilities and will not be pushed around by those who say you must, for the sake of gaining followers or hits, stick with one genre or another! Hip Fucking Hip Hip Hooray! Excuse me while I shrug off my over-inflated ego and high-in-the-sky soapbox. Heh heh. God, I'm such a delightful sarcastic bastard! Or so I believe.

Perceptions... perceptions.

Of course, you can find Positive Informers in real life, too. Moving onward...

Devil's Advocate

One who continuously argues against a cause, position or point of view of another human being on every subject, not as a committed opponent but simply for the sake of argument and/or to feed their own ego. In other words, that's how they get their twisted jollies. Even if they believe they may be wrong, deep down inside, they will try to make you feel that you are wrong or worse yet, somehow inferior. Sick.

Studying this person for a time, you will eventually come to the conclusion that this motherfucker has some form of unchecked mental illness churning about in their diseased minds. Insecurity, depression and other factors within these people may instigate or spur on this type of behavior that causes most normal, rational people to want to stay the hell away from them. Often, the Devil's Advocate will be unable to keep friends, spouses and others they interact with around for very long until the asshole (the Devil's Advocate) is bludgeoned to the point of making them a disgusting paste on the wall or ground. Do I advocate the use of violence against these annoying cretins of society? You betcha! No therapy for you, fuckwad!

Which brings us to...

Truly Open Minded People

Good golly, but I love truly open minded people. They're able to see many different points of views and angles on as many controversial subjects. They normally don't take themselves so seriously to the point where they believe themselves to be 100 percent correct all the time. All hail the open minded- for they are the truth seekers of this world! They don't give a shit about being contrary or right but, instead, search for meaning and knowledge from other individuals and in all things.


Uptights display tense, repressed nervousness, pettiness, anal retentative behavior, irritability, anger and/or the inability to withstand even the slightest of what they consider to be foul language or naughty words or the images of sex organs of the natural human anatomy. For example: They may announce, while visiting an art museum, " Oh my! I do declare! I believe I'm going to faint at the sight of this statue's stone penis or this painting's suggestive phallic symbol." Or some such nonsense.

I consider them weak and attempt to avoid them whenever possible. If you barricade me in a locked windowless room with an Uptight for any longer than a day, I will go crazy and twist their head right off their freakin' neck even as they complain that I said the word, damn, only an hour ago.

Often, Uptights are unable to give expression to one's feelings or personality. This is most noticeable in their unwillingness or incapability to laugh at a crude joke. Or what they think is a crude joke. They also tend to stubbornly adhere to rules that have been laid down to them or rules that they, themselves, have given themselves to instill an odd sense of complete control. Many times, they will inflict these rules of behavior upon those around them- Coworkers, friends, family, individuals on the internet and so on. Uptights may see themselves as the Masters of Organized Living while others may see them as Ultimate Pains in The Asses.

So there you have it. These are just a handful of the characters that we meet on the internet and in our real daily lives. Who knows? You may act like any one or a combination of these characters in a given situation or you may live like this all the time. Personally, I believe a little introspection is good for the spirit and the mind for continuous growth and discovery. It is something of value and worth considering.

Monday, April 18, 2011

You Are An Inspiration Award

I have been honored with yet another award to add to my already bulging trophy case. This time, it's from Gary, the blog author of the wonderfully inspirational blog, klahanie. Thank you, Gary. Not only does the man write uplifting, positive posts, but he writes in many different genres ranging from the humorous to the serious and everything in between. If, by some miracle, you haven't checked out Gary's stupendous blog yet, you should do yourself a favor and do so... right after you get done here. :)

As always, there are rules that seem to go with blog awards and, as usual, I go along with the ones I want to follow. Here are the rules:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded this to you.
2. Link posts by you and ten fellow bloggers that you find inspirational.
3. Forward the award to those ten fellow bloggers.

Number one- done and done.

Number two (part 1)-

I'll name 4 posts I've done in the past that I think would qualify as inspirational. I know I've done more inspirational posts than this but it would take me quite a long time to go through more than the 400 posts I've done so far.

Of course, "inspirational" is a matter of perception because some folks will either be inspired by what you've written or say, "meh" to it and would rather watch two flies fuck on a steaming turd.

If it were up to me, I'd have you check these 4 posts out, for true inspiration, in no particular order. I think they were among my best as far as being inspirational is concerned.

Number two (part 2)-

I'm going to pass this award onto 3 deserving bloggers that I've recently gotten to know through their blogs and comments. Each one is inspiring in their own distinct ways and I'm going to leave it up to you to visit their blogs, which I highly recommend, in order for you to see what makes them inspiring.

Here are the three bloggers, their blogs and the links to their posts that I have found immensely enjoyable and inspirational.

2nd- The Minute Man's Wife, from the blog, The Minute Man's Wife. Inspiring post: Hitting Mr. Dog with a Stick

3rd- Billy Pilgrim, from the blog, Enjoy The Moment. Inspiring post: Earth Hour

So there you have it, folks. These are my three picks for this award. For those recipients who have won the award from me, please feel free to take the award and follow whichever of the above rules that meet your satisfaction. As for rule #3, I'm going to let the award recipients know they've been awarded, just in case they don't see this award post amongst the slew and frenzied pace of posts I've been putting up this month of April. :) With the rate I've been hammering them out, lately, there's a 50/50 chance they might miss this one. lol.

Take care, everyone and be sure to check these exemplary blogs out. You won't regret it!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Kelly's Crock Pot Beans Supremo

Eegads! I'm under the gun, tonight, so to speak. I have less than two hours to create a new outrageously fascinating post because of my self-imposed blog challenge. Click the dang darn link back there if you don't know what in tarnation I mean. And why in the heck am I talking like that cartoon character, Yosemite Sam?

Due to time limitations, I'm gonna have to scrap the award post idea for tonight. Award posts tend to take me forever to create. Gary, from the blog, klahanie, was kind enough to pass along an award to lil' ol' humble-as-hell me last night but I was unable to post about it, earlier, because my wife threatened to cut my penis off if I didn't spend quality time with her most of today and tonight. So, in respect to her and to the beloved one eyed trouser snake in my pants, I opted for the "quality time". :) Beats going without a penis, I always say.

Now then, I wish to share with all of you my original, secret crock pot recipe, affectionately called Kelly's Crock Pot Beans Supremo. Pretty fancy title, eh? Impressive, you say? I've been making it for the wife and I for a couple years now. It's MMM MMM good and packed with that extra fart power that you and everyone else is craving these days. Your significant other will especially appreciate this hearty, delicious meal when you both get beneath the sheets tonight. Swear to God!

This is a very real, very tasty recipe- SO PAY ATTENTION, GODDAMN IT! And don't pass this along to anyone. It's a seeeeecret.

First off, you'll need a crock pot. If you don't have one, steal one. Or, I guess you could buy one but where's the fun in that?

Ingredients and Directions

3 cups Great Northern Beans (beans are to be soaked in water overnight)
1 lb. Ham chunks
Diced green peppers, red peppers and yellow peppers (however much you desire)
8 oz. chopped onions
3/4 cup of light brown sugar
4 tablespoons of sweet n' sour sauce

Make sure there is at least 1 1/2 inches to 2 inches of water covering the top of all the ingredients in the pot. Set crock pot for 10 hours.

That's it. It's a simple recipe. And trust me. It's for real. And it's extremely yummy for the tummy and a blast for the ass. Enjoy!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Tweetering With One's Twitter

In the past I thought the Twitter and Facebook social networking websites were kind of an odd joke. A lot of folks go on these sites and tell other folks about every trivial little thing they're doing at the moment. Example: I'm scratching my head and thinking about a donut- or something equally as fascinating. Some people, like me, go on Twitter and Facebook to basically joke around with blog pals and every once in awhile, say something of significance. That last part, about the significance, is mighty rare, by the way. The likelihood of you seeing the U.S. budget deficit decrease in the near future may be a more common occurrence.

Then you have those who use one and/or the other as a way to promote their website, in varying degrees. Of course, there are the family and friends who go on either one of them and have real discussions with each other- at least, as real as a discussion you can have by reading and sending meager 140 character text-based messages (for Titters, that is). With "Fartbook", you have a little more space to write your oh-so-important messages and status updates. But, really, who gives a good shit, right? lol.

And what's the deal with people texting these messages on either one, saying they're not home and they're at this place or the other? I see that sometimes. Isn't that like inviting somebody to break in and rob your place while you're gone? Just a thought.

As you can see, I still think of both websites as kind of a joke. Personally, I use both of them for a little joking between friends and a little blog promoting (very little). It's hard for me to take Fartbook or Titters too seriously.

For your confusion and mediocre entertainment, I thought I would share The Best? of my Tweets on Twitter.

Here they are...

Finally broke down and bought a new electric shaver. Used the nose hair trimmer on my hairy nostrils.Don't worry. It all came out OK.

Except for that booger that got stuck in it

I'm hiring people to test this booby trap that shoots darts at somebody's head. The pay is excellent. I'm offering a Granny apple.

God, I hate frickin' mornings. I don't know how y'all do it. love me long time. Boing!

Was in the shitter stall at a restaurant the other day.Thought of something funny.Started laughing my ass off. I wonder what people thought

You can't take me anywhere. I'm always making a scene.

Earlier, I saw two mothers racing their baby-loaded strollers against each other.I thought it was stupid so I threw a hand grenade their way

I found out three days ago that I can split a wooden chair with one blast of my ass. That's a talent you don't find every day.

I need to clean my keyboard. There's stuff on it I don't recognize.

Annoying people won't stop calling me today. Shut up, annoying people. Go away, please. I don't want your "crazy" right now.

I just got a haircut. Don't ya just hate it when the tiny bits of hair make ya itch around your neck?

Hurry up, coffee. Brew, muthasucka! Brew! I needs ta wake up.

Oh, sweet lawd... the coffee iz ready. Oh life-giving coffee, I wanna make piping hot love to thee. I wanna feel the burn, baby. sssss

I think I'm gonna lay down for a nice nap and dream of naked clown orgies.

Who took my sausage? Where are my notes? Is someone peeking at me from around the corner? Ah! Aliens!

Diddly doo diddly dee- I'm off to climb a tree

The coffee is making me piss a lot this morning. Maybe I should drink less. Nahhhh.

The story has a bit of everything. Wisdom, surrealism and a vagina mouse.

turds... I just thought it hasn't been said enough today

To all who have read my exciting entries thus far, have a good night or morning or whatever it is to you.

My ass cheeks are on fire from sitting too long.. Gotta get up and cornhole some furniture. That will put a smile on my face. Mmmm.

The most popular Google keyword to finding my site is animal genitals- just because I did one post on that subject.

I hear some idiot digging in the trash bin below me in the parking lot. I think he's digging for cans. He does this about every night

This is like talking to yourself but instead- typing on a keyboard. Does this make one crazy?

MERRY GODDAMN CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL. HO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF VALIUM...or whatever it takes to get ya through holiday hell.

In 3 more hours, a tribe of rabid family members will breach my hectic household and wreak chaos, kids, inane chatter and property damage

You can find more Christmas spirit in a frozen turd than you can find in me this year. What a surprise, eh?

Oh for the love of sanity, people, keep your friggin' gifts and just give me a tiny taste of peace and tranquility

Aaaah, look at all the hair on the palms of my hands! I shall repent hastily. wank wank wank


oooh I just bet you do. I'm wearing my special underwear with dark brown skid marks. Are you lovin' it?

Thanks for that information.Now I know you're not home and I can magically transport to your place and spooge on your pillows

Thinking about going for my daily walk in the frozen tundra. Please, no one should attempt to rob the place while I'm away.

I have an attack cat that will rub up against your leg and meow if an intruder should come in

16 degrees F. here right now.The weatherman said if you go outside tonight,naked,you'll get frostbite on your wiener.

My belly is too full for me to sleep. I wish I could take a big plop. Then I would feel good as gold again. Damn these Thanksgiving dinners

gobble gobble... then squish, squirt, plop and splash. Thought the visual might help.

Humunna- Humanna- Humanna... Don't know what it means... but I've heard it before. Goodbye, sanity. Hello, tranquility.

BP CEO Tony Hayward wants his life back. And why does he always have that stupid grin on his face? He seems like an egotistical idiot.

I say we drop Tony in a lake of oil, set it afire and watch the fun.

will there be boobies?

Lick My Salty Meat Sack Today For A Better Brighter Future Tomorrow

Life is a carnival of insanity. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.If they try to, hit 'em with a taser gun or something.

I miss you,you bastard.Hey Qelgoth,I'm back and I'm twice the evil I was before.I make cat fisting look easy now.

Help. Help. I've fallen and I can't stop twittering and saying profound stuff

Remember the good ol' days when Bush and Cheney blew goats and snorted coke off the backs of trannies with Down Syndrome? What fun they had!

Rain, Motherf***ker, Rain! It's pouring down like crazy here. AHA HAHA HAH AHHAH AHAH HAHHAH AHAHHAHH N HAHAHHAJDDIT

The older I get, the more I tire from this crazy human species. This world needs an enema

People who dress their pets in outfits should be taken out to the woodshed for a whippin'

I'm playing cornhole with my goat.

Just got back from my walk around the park. The fountains were spurting green water and the snow is finally melting.

Were you hit by lightning? In the head? Let me help you. There are those committed to helping the deranged. I know.

automagically should be a real word

If lovin' is bad I don't wanna be good

If you hit your thumb really hard with a blunt instrument, your apology will be accepted. :)

My farts smell like fresh made bread or something that smells like it poofed out from the rectum of the Pillsbury Dough Boy

Lordy Lordy, puddin n' pie, kiss da girls and made them fly.

Currently, I'm singing a song I just made up. It's called "I Hate People". If you know the words, you are invited to sing along with me

Neil Young is almost the only remaining cool guy that's still talented and has been around for ages.

Just made a big ol' pot of chili. Salsa is my secret weapon, when added to the pot. Think about it. Salsa has everything you want in chili

It's time for revolution, everyone! Be it yourself or the rest of humanity!

That's it, folks! Hell, if these fascinating entries don't make you wanna FOLLOW ME on Titters, then gosh, I don't know what will. (rolls eyes)

Friday, April 15, 2011

Unusual International Laws

If you thought the American legal system was screwed up, in some ways, have a look at these laws around the world.

In Australia it's illegal to hire a woman under the age of 45 to work as a chorus girl.

Horses in Mukden, China, are required to wear diapers and their owners are required to empty them at regular intervals in specially made receptacles. (And if you think the diaper of a baby is loaded, imagine how much crap is in a horse's)

In Italy, a man may be arrested for simply wearing a skirt.

This guy should definitely not be wearing a skirt.

If you curse within earshot of a woman in Egypt, the law there says you must forfeit two days' pay.

In Switzerland they have some serious hang ups about doing some pretty normal things on a Sunday. For instance: Clothes may not be hung to dry on a Sunday. You may not wash your car on a Sunday. And it is considered an offense to mow your lawn on a Sunday because it causes too much noise.

In Toronto, Canada, law requires pedestrians to give hand signals before turning.

You must pay a $600 fine in Thailand if you're caught throwing away chewed bubble gum on the sidewalk.

In Germany, every office must have a view of the sky, no matter how small of a view it is. (This one may not make sense but it is very humane.)

English law forbids marrying your mother-in-law. (But then, why would you want to do that, anyway? Geesh!)

Swedish law prohibits trained seals from balancing balls on their noses.

Paris law forbids spinning tops on sidewalks... and staring at the mayor.

In England it's against the law to sue the queen- or to name your daughter "Princess" without the queen's permission.

In Teruel, Spain, the law forbids you from taking hot baths on Sunday. Cold baths are fine.

In Reykjavik, Iceland, it's illegal to keep a dog as a pet.

If you're arrested for drunk driving in Malaysia, both YOU AND YOUR WIFE go to jail. (Doesn't seem fair, does it?)

In Shanghai, China, red cars are outlawed. Other car colors are assigned according to the owner's profession.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


"Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate others."- Anonymous

In the dictionary, I found two main definitions for the word, "nonconformist."

1. One who does not conform to, or refuses to be bound by, accepted beliefs, customs, or practices.

2. A person who does not conform to generally accepted patterns of behaviour or thought.

I can go along with those interpretations of that word. There is also an older meaning to nonconformist. That is: A Protestant in England who is not a member of the Church of England.

Nowadays, when you hear the title of nonconformist, you usually think of the first two definitions. At least in the U.S. you do.

I found this interpretation of what it means to be a nonconformist on Urban Dictionary and I thought it fit me well enough. I've never really put it into words how I usually roll but this was pretty accurate:

It's not that you purposely go against the norms. It's that you fail to recognize the importance rules, structures and social norms and this naturally makes an above average level of uniqueness to you. Given the lack of this pressure to conform to sociality you're given much more freedom to think and act and do. Your acts, thoughts, and ideas may appear absurd to others. Nonconformist tend to either be leaders or loners and mavericks. They are often too new and innovative for their own times. What they hate most is bureaucracy, and way too often when given a position of power they will throwaway the normal routines and traditions of the office.

I consider myself to be a nonconformist because I've never allowed fads, trends, beliefs of others to influence me enough to where I'm set in this mind locking concrete that I will follow a certain line of thinking or anything else society dwells upon. Take celebrity worship or something equally as mindless or insipid, for example. Nonconformity, to me, is more of an attitude than a purposeful unwillingness to follow, without question, a trend, a person or organization of authority or a belief.

Some claim that it is rebelliousness for the sake of rebelliousness. Nope. Sorry, my closed minded, unenlightened monkey. The majority of society thinks that the nonconformist thinks it's something that the nonconformist can throw on, like an obnoxious shirt, just so they can piss the majority off. It's not like that. It's really not a conscious decision. In truth, it's really a matter of strength of mind, independence, free will and honesty. It's just being yourself, for better or worse.
Side effects of being someone that expresses nonconformity can, but not necessarily, include some nice traits such as:

Being creative, intensely independent and individualistic... or being innovative, and trailblazing. I'm not saying I'm any of these, of course. I'm probably as innovative as a speck of dirt on a rock that lays on the side of the road. Still, others that get their jollies by taking the opposite viewpoint on this subject will say that a nonconformist is destined to be a definite loner in society, maybe an immoral individual that is thinking up ways to destroy the world, molest a chickenhawk or some other nonsense. You can't see me but I'm pressing a big red imaginary buzzer at the moment- which represents that this assumption is not only stupid but it can be dangerous- especially dangerous to the innocent person who's victim-less personal choices in life are being thought of as a sinister threat to society. Mass hysteria, anyone? Holy shit!

In truth, nonconformists come in all shapes and sizes and colors and upbringings and class room teachings and so and so on. They conform only to themselves. They are the free thinkers of our human civilization, untouched by the persuasions of a monkey see-monkey do society. All of us could benefit from some of the traits of nonconformity. The bottom line is: Without change and fresh outlooks, it's a stagnate, fearful society we will continue to have, crushing the spirits of all of us.

There now. Glad I got that out of my system. Thanks and have a happy, dandy-as-heck kind of day. Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Mixed Bag Of Absurdity

Due to time limitations, I'm gonna have to make this a quick post. That means, of course, I'm offering up a mix of pics that you'll either love, hate, laugh at or be sickened by. Or maybe... just maybe... You're one of those freaks that get turned on by images such as these and you are licking the screen with one tongue and pleasuring yourself with the other. What? You don't have two tongues like the rest of us? OMG! You really are a freak!

Anyway, I humbly present the following images to you for your enjoyment and peculiar lust. Note: The first picture is showing something that you may think is something else but if you look closely....

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Winning The "I Love This Blog Award"

After having an up and own, roller coaster kind of week, I was happy to find out I won the I LOVE This Blog Award from The Minute Man's Wife late last night. It's just what the doctor ordered.

Speaking of doctors, my wife had to have an ultrasound and other tests done to see if she had blood clots in her legs and other health risks. I had been worried about test results this past week and when I found out she didn't have blood clots, I felt better. A big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. There are still other health problems that she has- but they would take too long to describe here. I hope these other things, regarding her health, will be resolved in the near future. I don't see any reason why they won't. With the new medication she is on, for the other problems, she says she is feeling better already.

In gratitude of this award from Minute Man's Wife, I'm going to put aside the topic I was going to discuss today. Although she's a relative newcomer to this blog, I've grown to appreciate her funny and heartfelt comments. Do yourself a favor and go to this woman's blog. It's excellent. Her writing is sharp and really draws you in. She's funny, serious, wise and completely honest with how she feels and she tells it like it is. My kind of blogger. Check out The Minute Man's Wife.

The rules with this award say I gotta share 10 things. Just like TMMW, I wasn't sure what this meant either. lol. Could be ten scabs of dead skin. Or ten wascally wabbits- but I don't have any. Could be ten words of wisdom but I think I've blown my sloppy wisdom all over the place in Friday's post. Still cleaning up from that nasty episode.

Now, if I were a bettin' man, I'd hazard to guess they were talking about sharing some personal facts about yourself when they thought of the "ten things" rule. Luckily enough for all of you, I just happen to have ten exciting, knowledge-you-couldn't-live-without type of facts about myself that I've kept hidden underneath the bed- just in case of a rainy day.

Prepare to be WOWED.

#1- I sleep, totally naked, on my belly, because that's the only position I can sleep in. Please be considerate and do not fuck me in the ass. And please, whatever you do, kindly refrain from putting refried bean paste in my bare, hairy ass crack and using this as a reservoir for nacho chip dipping.

#2- The way I like my eggs: scrambled.

#3- This occurred in my very wild twenties: Instead of a mistletoe hanging from the living room doorway at my Christmas party, I hung up a big dildo I had bought earlier that week. To my amusement, people still kissed under it, drunk and not giving a shit what was hanging over their heads. By the time I woke up, half dead from partying, in the morning, it wasn't hanging up over the doorway any longer. It was on the floor, in the corner of one of my bedrooms- sticky, dirty and covered with pubic hair. No one I asked could or would tell me anything about it. To this day, it's still a mystery. I guess it wasn't used on the cat. It was still alive at the time.

#4- I'm a Libra in the wheel of astrological signs. A Rabbit in the Chinese zodiac, for what it's worth.

#5- I love these books and many more: Earth (The book) by Jon Stewart and The Daily Show writers, K-Pax by Gene Brewer, Lost Horizon by James Hilton, The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex by Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist, Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions and Clive Barker's Books of Blood series. I'd be here all night if I listed all of the books I've read and loved. :)

#7- I would like to go back to Arizona for a third time and walk on The Grand Canyon Skywalk. It hadn't been built yet when I went to the Grand Canyon the first two times. I wonder if they would let me pee over the side.

#8- My shoe size is nine or nine and a half, depending on the make or brand of the footwear. Fascinated? Come on... admit it... you are. :)

#9- Halloween costumes worn in the past: A Jinn, a Rastafarian, a woman, a priest with his pecker hangin' out (a big plastic dick was used instead of my real penis. I thought it might be less scary), a ghost, The Batman, a zombie/cowboy and a gynecologist.

#10- I need a new computer. Buy me one!

The Minute Man's Wife passed this award on to three blogger recipients. I'm being a stingy bastard this time, when it comes to handing out awards and I'm going to give it to only one of my new favorites, Bar Science, an excellent booze blog by the blog author, G. It has a lot of interesting facts about all things boozy, travel stories and videos that offer handy tips on this, that and the other. Mostly, booze, though. Great writing can be found here, my friends. Very much worth checking out.

Again, the blog is Bar Science. Get over there, pronto and drink one or two or ten for me.

Well folks, that's all I got for now. I'm barely slipping this post in under my self-imposed deadline. Take care, everyone and don't do anything I wouldn't do! tee hee

Monday, April 11, 2011

Really Sick Jokes

Guy checks into a hotel, asks the clerk, "Is your porn disabled?" "No," replies the clerk, "It's the regular kind, you sick bastard."


John goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown". John just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?" In a very weak voice John says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." John said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"


These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"


These are the Royal Wedding condoms, called CROWN JEWELS. I kid you not. Talk about being in bad taste. This is a real product. Enlarge the picture to check out the oddly humorous details of the rubbers. If you want, click this link to go to the company's website. I thought it was just a joke at first. I guess it is, in a strange sort of way. On the bottom of each box of condoms it says: LIE BACK AND THINK OF ENGLAND. Wtf???


In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.


A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great... Did you get a blow job?"

"Oh, no... I never found her head."


Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"


How do you get a baby out of the blender?



Definition of disgusting?
Shoving 7 oysters up your grandma and sucking out 8.


A woman is in a coma. While washing her intimate parts, a nurse notices a slight pulse. She calls her husband, and explains to him,
" ... so I have a theory that if such slight stimulation can give her a pulse, oral sex just may wake her up completely!"
"Well ok, I'll try, if it helps her," says the man.
The nurses wait for him outside the room. All of a sudden, they hear the woman's pulse go flat, and rush in the room to see the man buttoning his pants. With a confused look on his face, he says, "Yeah, I think I might have choked her."


What's better than four gold medals at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.


What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Chuck your washing in.


A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: ’Can I have a beer Grandpa?’

Grandpa replies: ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’

The little boy answered: ’No Grandpa. It’s just a little pecker’.

Gramps says: ’Well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer’.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asks: ’Can I have a cigar Grandpa?’

Once again, Grandpa asks: ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’

Once again the little boy replies, ’No, it’s too little’.

Gramps replies, ’Then you’re not man enough to have a cigar’.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.

Grandpa asks, ’Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?’

The boy ask, ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’

Gramps replies , ’Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass’.

The little boy replies, ’Then go fuck yourself’. Grandma made these for me’


This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. He immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."


There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm... they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
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