This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Mr. Checkers Tells A Story


Gather round all ye wankers and let ol' Mister Checkers weave you a tale of intrigue and stuff. Shhh! Be still! Be silent! Listen closely, my friends and I shall show you all the magical wonders inside my pants. Rejoice, shall ye!

The great villain, Eye Paddles, had finally enough of the constant squabbling between rival gangs. It was time to show them who was the Boss of Bosses. Yes, thought Eye Paddles, head gangster of Bravo City, I will make them pay for their noises of loudness, impoliteness and stuff!


Later that night, he called upon the Greek God, Poseidon.

Poseidon said he was busy... So Eye Paddles did the next best thing. He called Him the next day. But not until Eye Paddles daily routine of quiet meditation and furious masturbation. Poseidon answered and said, "I'll do your bidding if you return the favor. The favor required Eye paddles to eat a live chicken head.

Eye Paddles went on his knees, sobbed like a pansy and then said, pleadingly, "I will do anything. Just make these idiots listen to me!"

Eye Paddles grabbed the nearest live chicken in the other room and gnawed merrily upon the chicken's head while blood spurted all around the room. Finally, he ate the head off the chicken and began to express his joy by dancing and shouting, "Old McDonald had a farm... Eee-eye, Eee-eye- Oohhhh!"

Poseidon gave him a wink and a nod and up the chimney He rose. Then, at a quarter of two, he wreaked havoc on a family and completely destroyed their house and acres of farmland. None of them had anything to do with the gangs. Poseidon just got bored.


As a result, they died, unhappy. But... At least, as a family, they enjoyed oil paintings!

Eye Paddles was troubled by this latest turn of events and rubbed his chin to show his confusion. Other times, it would be his balls. Just what did Poseidon think He was doing? he wondered.

Eye Paddles consulted the wise old psychic, Ms. Knickel. Ms. Knickel would know the answer. He called. She came over. They smoked a blunt. Then Ms. Knickel looked into her all-seeing, all-knowing mystical camera and saw the image of rival gang member, Baseball Nose.


It seemed Baseball Nose was up to his usual shenanigans again. He found out about Eye Paddles' ingenious scheme to control the rival gang members by employing the great Greek God, Poseidon. Baseball Nose, angry at Eye paddles, called Poseidon up from the ocean waters and gave Him a couple virgins to do something else.

Poseidon agreed to the new deal proposed by Baseball Nose.

What happens next in this story is a mystery for the ages, my friends. A tale shrouded in mysterious mystery, I tell you, wrapped in a lettuce leaf and placed in a sack to be further used as coffee filters. Ooh, I just wish I knew and then I could tell you but I cannot so I won't bother trying.

28 comments:

Donda said...

And the drs say I am crazy??? I am sure I don't know what to say but LMAO. Dude, you ain't right!

Kelly said...

Donda- This wisdom is there for the taking. Spread thy wings and take flight!

Donda said...

BAHAHAHA Drink another one :) Besides, if I were to gain anymore wisdom then I would be as wise as you and we can't have that, now can we??

MarytrMom said...

very EXCITING story...but what really messed me up was when I looked to my right and saw that strange 3 faced Asian girl staring at me.....I thought I was drunk

Gorilla Bananas said...

For a couple of virgins, Poseidon must have beaten Eye-Paddles senseless with a lobster. Just as well you spared us the details.

One of The Guys said...

This definitely is befitting of your name.....Psycho Carnival.....damn this was funny, and creative.

And you don't partake at all? No smokey or drinky?

Kelly said...

Donda- Down the hatch! And no, we must not be as wise as me. A diddly-diddly-dee.

Kelly said...

MarytrMom- That 3 faced girl IS looking at you. It's true. She's thinking, Why is that MarytrMom looking at me?

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- Yes, the details are much too sordid for me to convey.

Kelly said...

One of The Guys- Thanks, man. Partake? Yahahaha.

Gucci Mama said...

Damn, baby, you really know how to pull of a table cloth suit. Stunning.

klahanie said...

Hello Kelly,
Yet another amazing and heart warming story. I guess. You see, I haven't got a goddam clue what I just read, but, damn it, I'm sure it was amazing and heart warming.
Nice to note that charming British word 'wankers', was in the opening sentence. Must go now and wank myself off...
Cheers, Kelly:-0

bazza said...

Hi Kelly. It must be me but I don't have the vaguest notion what this post is about. Funnily enough that didn't stop me enjoyinmg it!
Perhaps something was lost crossing the Atlantic. Yes it's definitely me.
Good night to you (well it's mid-evening here).

Kelly said...

Gucci Mama- Thankee, milady! I've been known to please many the eye in that dashing outfit.

Kelly said...

klahanie- Hidey Ho, Gary ol' pal. No worries on having no clue. Te secret is this: You have to translate the story in Hebrew to gain a true understanding of it's awesome wisdom and shit. I first CAME across the word 'wankers' when I had subscribed to Bizarre Magazine (a mag made in the UK) years ago. Don't know if you've ever checked out Bizarre Magazine but it's freakin' great. Loads of variety in every subject.

You go have yourself a BALL while wanking yourself, Gary. Cheerio.

Kelly said...

bazza- Yeah... Life is like that sometimes... Even the things that don't makes sense can still contain more than a modicum of truth and love... Let us pray as we now go on bended knee and give thanks to our lord, Mr. Checkers.

Nighty night... Do not let the bed buggies bite.

The Wolf said...

Ummmmm okay NO MORE DRUGS FOR YOU KELLY.

That being said I really learned something from that tale of peril and.......stuff. I'm not sure what the life lesson was, perhaps it's the meaning of life, perhaps it's don't buy candy from a guy wearing only a trenchcoat, perhaps it's not to piss in the wind. Either way I'm sure the price of beaver pelts is at a 52 week high...........wait what was I talking about.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Carrot Nostril! Monkey Nettles! What?!

Never mind the fabric of this weave I've wove for you. Go forth and celebrate... For the skies of Fall pass over and giveth thee pelts of dam-building beasties.

ahoy

Sir Tom Eagerly said...

I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?

Kelly said...

Sir Tom Eagerly- Nor would I. Watch for the flying toaster ovens.

Static said...

This Eye Paddles daily routine of quiet meditation and furious masturbation reminds me of someone else...I just can't put my fingers on it though.

The mysterious mystery wrapped in a lettuce leaf and placed in a sack to be further used as coffee filters is really Eye Paddles scrotum, isn't it? I thought the coffee tasted strange today.

Kelly said...

Static- Are you thinking of, perhaps, Mr. Rogers? No, that can't be it. He's dead and turning to dust. How's about Glenn Beck? I bet he wanks it, furiously. No, probably not him either. I can't see that loudmouth ass quietly meditating.

I got it.

It's The Pope! Oh, that rascal.

In answer to your last question, you guessed correctly. It is, indeed, the gangster Eye Paddles' scrotum. Could you detect more than a hint of Brazilian nut in your Java, today?

Static said...

His nuts are Brazilian????

Kelly said...

Static- Of course. Not everyone can be born with a Swedish ballsack.

Static said...

What's the the difference? Are Brazilian nuts waxed..and Swedish nuts are dipped in gravy or something?

Kelly said...

Static- Rumor has it that Brazilian nuts are saltier and Swedish nuts are gently sautéed in garlic butter and a quarter cup of sweet vermouth.

But really, it's anyone's guess.

Lana Gramlich said...

Ha! Good one. ;)

Kelly said...

Lana Gramlich- Thank you. :)

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