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Monday, April 4, 2011

Titillating Tales of WalMart

My wife has worked at WalMart for over 15 years and has seen the strangest and worst behavior from customers, employees (they call 'em "associates"- in order to make their employees feel more important, I think) and managers. I, myself, worked there for close to 3 years, at one point working with my wife at the same period of time, on 3rd shift. My wife now works on 1st shift.

In the past, on this blog, I've written about my own personal stories (don't ask on which post- I couldn't tell you) about some of the odd happenings at WalMart I experienced and the other night, while having my friend up, we got on the subject of the fucked up people we've encountered or heard about during our "working" life on the job. We discussed some of these hilarious, disturbing stories at length.

The following incidents are my wife's stories that took place while she has been working at WalMart:

Lady On The Prowl

One evening a woman came into WalMart, wearing only a flimsy, nearly transparent, red negligee and high heel shoes. Up and down the aisles, she walked, shaking her hips. She wasn't pushing a cart so the employees knew she likely wasn't shopping for anything WalMart had on their shelves. It was concluded that she was probably attempting to shop for a girl or guy to fuck.

Personally, I think WalMart would be a piss poor choice to go looking for love (lust), unless you want to "get busy" with a hillbilly or whatever. Either way, I think she was either out of her mind or on drugs or drunk. Not long after the cameras caught her struttin' her stuff and everyone else noticed her, that management called the cops and they escorted her out of the store.

Returned Items

A woman once bought a carpet shampooer, used it once and then brought back in the next day to the Customer Service desk. It wasn't broken, according to her. She just didn't want it. You could tell it had been used because the water/waste tank was full of dirty water and cat hair. WalMart took it back, oddly enough.

Another woman bought a Christmas tree a couple days before Christmas. The day after Christmas, she brought it back to Customer Service. It still had tinsel on it that she had put on. WalMart took that back, too. Hundreds of pairs of shoes have been brought back, sometimes four or five months after they had been bought, to the store. Many times they were dirty and some of the tread had been worn off. Of course, WalMart takes them back and puts all returned items in the Claims Department.

The worst stuff returned would be panties and underwear neatly folded and put back into the original packaging. It's apparent the undergarments have been used because the little bags they are in have been opened and- worse yet- plenty of dark brown skid marks have been found on them, later.

But the very worst time something was returned has to be during "The Big Summer Sausage Log Incident". A lady (although I'm not sure she could be described that way) came into WalMart, wishing to return a huge roll of summer sausage. She claimed she had a problem with it because it had "leaked meat juice" in her bed. The associates behind the Customer Service desk were shocked to see that the plastic wrapping on the 16 inch meat log had been peeled halfway down and it was covered with pubic hair. I jokingly asked if somebody suddenly grabbed it from her and started lickin' it like a lollipop. Anyway, management was called to the front of Customer Service about the sticky meat log and, sure enough, they took it back and refunded her money. All true, I'm afraid. I wonder if they put if back on the shelf with new wrapping. :)

Associates, Management and Customers Having Sex

Throughout the years, employees, customers and members of management have been caught having sex back in inventory rooms, men's handicap bathroom stalls, outside in the parking lot, beneath the light posts and even the dairy cooler. When they've been caught, they will sometimes stop fucking and fooling around. Sometimes, they won't.

Lingerie Department Episode

A crowd was found surrounding and staring in awe at a man on the floor in the women's lingerie department. He was fondling and sniffing a pair of new, unused, lacy panties with his one hand while vigorously pumping his one-eyed trouser snake with the other. The associates and management were called to the scene. A member of management called the police and they were on their way. Even as the man was told the cops were on the way, he wouldn't stop wanking his willy while sniffing the panties and so on. Even as the cops were about to put the handcuffs on the guy, he continued to jerk off, smiling the entire time.

No word on whether he was able to spurt his load before the cops got there.

Buzzing Noise

As you could probably guess by the title of this particular episode, it involves a vibrator.

A woman could be heard using a vibrator on herself in one of the women's fitting rooms in the clothing department at WalMart. The employees could hear a buzzing noise emanating from the small room and could see a pair of feet underneath the door. After demanding that the customer open the door and come out, she refused and continued masturbating. Finally, after a half hour, management told one of the employees to open the door. When they did, they saw a woman with her pants and panties down around her ankles. At that point, she finally stopped sliding the vibrator in and out of her pussy. She pulled it out and it was dripping, literally, all over the fitting room floor, according to the employees.

The police were called and she was taken away.

So yes, if you're looking for some of the world's finest freaks, you can find them at Wallyworld, folks. I hope you enjoyed the titillating tales as much as I have over the years. My wife and I continue to be astonished by the outrageous behavior people will engage in, in a public place such as this. Happy shopping, everyone!


LilPixi said...

The panties & the sausage did it for me. Apparently, though, those super special freaks are going to continue to masturbate everywhere.
And people think I'M fucked up. Thanks, Wallyworld!

Anonymous said...

WalMart Legal Department
Would you please ask your wife to step into the manager's office on her next working day. This article has besmiirched the good name of our company.
Signed Sir Tom Eagerly, CEO.
I'm laughing so much I think I wet myself!

bazza said...

I wonder what they do with all the returns they get. Surely taking customer service that far means they will get taken advantage of?
I know I would! Maybe they build a percentage into the price and find it easier and cheaper to just comply.
As for the masturbation stories, that reminded of when my daughter worked in a famous London store there was a hooker working permanently in the store! Aparently she had the keys to an unused broom cupboard. Blimey.
Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

Anonymous said...

Listen, I wasn't trying to find a boy toy. I was trying to find my lost diaphragm! I was on my way to return it at the Customer Service desk when it became dislodged... Please tell management, I have no hard feelings and thank them for the free sausage they sent me!

G said...

I used to deal with Complaints for Tesco Supermarkets...and they would literally bend over backwards to make people happy...they would hand out £50 vouchers at the drop of a many people got wise to it and would just claim anything.
The worst case I dealt with was a guy who basically got them to replace his whole car exhaust just because he drove over one of their plastic bags.

Greg said...

I surmise from your post working at Wal-mart saves on cable, saves one from standing at the corner waiting for a hooker, and provides a safe place to jack-off.

Wow...You could film a porn video there..ever consider it?

You could call yourself Kelly Holmes?

billy pilgrim said...

well fuck, maybe i'll join sam's club after reading about all the fun stuff going on in walmart. or not.

i can't imagine walmart eating the loss on those articles. do they make the suppliers reimburse them for the returns?

Kelly said...

lilPixi- Welllll- Yabba Dabba Doohickey. That's allz I knowz to tell ya! 'Panties and sausage' sounds like somethin' to eat at the Olive Garden. And with your choice of gravy!

Next thing you know, management will require the employees to get their fat asses on the roof of the store and jack off during the Christmas season so as customers begin to walk in the goddamn store, they'll have little jizz snow drops gently splattering on top their heads. Hohaohohaehyfnupp! . Yay hoo and pass the corn bread! Got news for ya. You are fucked up! Dat's OK tho. So is everyone else. Include me & Mr. Chiggers The CamelFucker in that group, too.

Loooooove & Farts, Ms. LilPixi, Love & Farts with Turdberry poptarts!

Kelly said...

Sir Tom Eagerly- Oh no! Allow me to come in and beg for forgiveness and a blow job from the grocery manager's wife! Yes siree, I'll be steppin' in that office on behalf of the Missus. I will pull down my pants, promptly bend over and squirt the finest stream- you ever did see- of freshly made spooge straight from my bloated beef jerky... all over the office walls. Yay hoo and pass the kickety-cooch!

Wet yourself?! Here's a napkin! :)

Kelly said...

bazza- alakazam! alakazoo!

Yes, that's exactly what it means, my good friend from across the ocean. sort of. To tell ya the truth, the only thing I remember my wife (she has worked in Customer Service there, off and on) saying about that is- that WalMart gets 'store credit' (don't ask me what she meant) and this somehow means it's all good or smoothed out or made to be okey dokey in the end. I would ask her right now but she's in bed and had a shitty day off. She would chop my penis off now if I woke her up. And I've grown kinda fond of my swizzle stick. :) Your guess sounds good but I don't know for sure.

There was a permanent hooker in the store? Damn, I knew we were missing something we needed at WalMart. Problem is- they would get some "trailer trash princess bitch with chlamydia" to fill the position. Ugh!

Kelly said...

The Minute man's Wife- Sure... sure... a likely story there, lady. That's what they all say... "I'm looking for my diaphragm" and "Has anyone seen my diaphragm?" and "Oh there's my diaphragm... It's under the friggin' box of King Dongs" followed by "Welllll... How did that get there?"

Word to the wise: That free sausage they sent ya is filled with creamy mystery cheese! Mmmm. :)

Kelly said...

G- Little known fatoid: When folks bend over backwards, they tend to get surprise butt-sexed in the butter buns. If ya catch my broken wind. :)

What happened at your store sounds a lot like how WalMart gets the shaft- but not really- I think they just pass the lost profit of returned items onto the products customers buy at the store. Just a guess among guesses. I just know that WalMart will take pretty much anything back- which is stupid. No receipt... no problem.

The guy who got a whole new exhaust for running over a bag? That's some messed up shit! lol.

Kelly said...

Greg- All 3 of those things is what you can get from shoppin' at WalMart. As a bonus, we'll throw in a case of crabs and genital warts! But you have to know the magic password... Pssst... I'll give you a clue... It's "FRANKENTURD"

The only way I'd consider producing a porno there at WalMart is if all my bloggin' buddies that have commented here today join in my gallant orgy-fest of blood, mayhem and opera music. Then I'd consider it!

Kelly said...

billy pilgrim- Hurry now and join Sam's club for the big weekend spunk-tacular. Free weenies & piss buckets for senior citizens!! Everyone else gets a frontal lobotomy!! Fun for the whole fucked up family!!

I think that guess you had there is pretty darn good. That may be what my wife meant when she said "store credit" is what WalMart gets when something is returned. She's told me a couple times how it worked and I forgot.

Like I said in a couple of comments before yours, my friend... I can't ask her right now. She had a shitty day and she's asleep and she said if I wake her up for anything- she would cut off my scrotum and feed it to the cat. Then I would feel kinda blue about that. Yes sir, I would. :) Take care and stay tuned!

The Wolf said...

And here I thought I'd seen some fucked up shit. I wonder if the pubic sausage was put on sale or it they charged full price......either way I'm never bying meat products from there ever again. Though apparently if I want a date that is the place to be.

THE SNEE said...

Talk about the slogan, 'the customer is always right'! Your post definitely enlightened me though....Is that why RVs and such like to 'park' overnight in the Walmart lot? It sounds as if there is a lot to do there, and it's all returnable! More power to your wife for sticking with the job all these years...does make for good story though, doesn't it.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- The idea of the 'pubic sausage' being put back on the shelf for reselling sounds like a funny idea- especially if I'm not the unsuspecting customer who buys it. :)

I don't blame you for not wanting to buy meat from WalMart. Every time I've ever bought ground beef there (I usually go to Kroger's) I would find tiny bits of bone fragments inside of it. One second you're chowing down on your hamburger, the next second, you're losing a crown or chipping a tooth.

Yes, for all your hillbilly lovin' needs, it's recommended you go to WalMart. Just be sure to sit in the middle of the women's clothing department and openly fondle yourself. It's like some sort of mating call.

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- Lol... Yeah, the customer is always right when it comes to returned items. However, I've seen the management there actually berating customers because they were complaining that we had run out of this or that. I recall one manager, in particular years ago, yelling at a customer that if she didn't like what we had or didn't have in stock, then she could go somewhere else. True story. The management acts shitty towards customers because WalMart is the monopoly in our small towns around here, unfortunately. If you want to buy a DVD or lamp or almost anything- your choices are WalMart or driving 30 to 40 miles away to another store. It really really REALLY sucks! Everyone around here complains about that. On a sillier note... In regards to your question, that probably is why RVs like to park overnight in the lot... It's for all that quality redneck poontang and stink logs! Woo hoo!

My poor wife has been through hell with that place. Her feet and back are killin' her due to standing on the hard concrete floor all these years, not to mention putting up with rude customers and cold blooded management. And yes, good stories, aplenty, from our collective experiences. lol. Take care, Rebecca and smile smile smile. :)

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