Crazy Joe's Internet Advice, Corny Jokes and More

Crazy Joe came up to me the other day, while I was throwing bricks against a brick wall in an alley. He nearly made me shit a brick when he tapped me on the shoulder, suddenly, from behind.  More importantly, though... Why do I throw bricks against bricks walls?  Well, because, you know, that's one of my favorite hobbies and it's really just as fulfilling as engaging in silly behavior on the InterNutz.  That latter of which seems to be the latest fad or sign of mental deficiency the days.  Confused?  So am I.

Speaking of which...

After pecking me on the shoulder, Crazy Joe said, "Man, some people are getting super loopy on the InterNutz these days?"

I said, after turning around and about to cave his forehead inward with a brick, "You scared me! I damn near smashed your fugly face in with this large brick in my hand."

I paused for a moment, realizing what he had just said before I was going to smash a brick into his skull.

Then I quickly asked, "What the hell are you talking about, Crazy Joe?"

Well, first he handed me a joke card and waited for a second while I read it.  It looked like this:

I laughed.  Crazy Joe laughed.  Then he said, "Shit like this freaks people out on the InterNutz.  Some people either do or don't get the humor of it, or they're extremely sensitive about certain language, get shitty about it or they're irate about the unimportant subject matter.  Doesn't make sense regarding the priorities in a normal person's life, really"

I stood back and replied, "Yeah, it's a loopy InterNutz world out there.  Some of them could use a brick to the head.  But you see all kinds.  Some are open minded, though.  I usually hang out with folks like that.  Kindred spirits, so to speak."

Then Crazy Joe gave me a typed document and said, "For kicks, I thought these up last night, after observing bad behavior on the InterNutz for a few hours."

At the top of the form was the title, CRAZY JOE'S INTERNET ADVICE

This is what it said:

* It's fucking impolite to verbally attack or call a specific person a negative name when you don't agree with him or her. If you don't agree with what they saying, just give your opinion on the subject or not- or ignore it, altogether and move on.  And life is too fucking short to act like children playing an " I Win/You lose" fucking type of game.  For fuck's sake! Fuckity fuck fuck!

* Do the world a favor. If you're on a social network site, stop telling your friends and family every petty detail of your life.  Throw in a funny image every fucking once in awhile, fuckers!  Break up the monotony of detailing your everyday routines to one and all.  Talk about anything you might find humorous!  Share the gift of laughter, fuckers! Or talk about something interesting, for a change!  You find that people just as open-minded as you are, are worth getting to know and enjoy interacting with, no matter what type of website you're spending time.   

* If you're too fucking overly sensitive to look at what you believe to be an offensive image, get thine ass off of whatever website or social networking page you're on and move thee fuck onward with your sensitive self.  Remember: It's A-Fucking-Okay if you don't care for the humor you happen to see but if you don't like what you see, your eyes can always look elsewhere.  

* Hey, don't start fights between friends or family while you're on one of those social networking sites, either!  If you've been given a couple dozen clues that you are prone to do that shit, then I highly advise you to take your nasty ass, trouble-making self to this one alley I know of, to get a free complimentary brick thrown at your fucking loopy head.  

* And please stop with the positive images with the light weight words that are supposedly uplifting and are supposedly "magical" in their ability that when you first lay your eyes on them and read them, you are, all of a sudden, a completely changed fucker for life.  Reality doesn't work that way.

I read the rest of what he had typed and while nodding my head, in agreement, I handed the advice list back to him and I said, "I agree with a lot of what you have to say here, Joe, but, as I've experienced in the past before, you can't change people, no matter how badly they need to change for the sake of harmony and tolerating others ."

Joe looked up at me and calmly replied, "But you can, sometimes, provoke them to open their minds and think.  And that's a start."

I said, "You may have a point there."

Crazy Joe said, "I believe I fucking do."

Then he smiled, noticing the grin on my face when he knew I got the joke of him repeatedly saying the word, "fuck" or "fucking" in every other sentence in his document or the present conversation to make a point that only the sharp minded would get.

I handed Crazy Joe a piece of paper that I had printed off my computer from a friend's email he sent me the other day.  I explained to Crazy Joe that my friend is really into corny jokes.  I said my friend knew there would be some on there that he knew would make me groan because they were moronic or silly.  But, I added, he was also nice enough to add a few jokes that he knew would give me a decent laugh, depending on how they were worded.

I asked Crazy Joe, "Do you think these corny jokes would freak certain people out?"

Crazy Joe looked at my piece of paper I had handed him and saw these jokes, along with an image down at the bottom.  Here they are:

What did the lamp say to the man?

Nothing.  A lamp is an inanimate object.

Two men walked into a bar.  The third one ducked.

What kind of shoes are made from banana skins?  

Slippers.

What kind of rooms have no walls?  

Mushrooms.

What happened to the boy who drank 8 cokes?

He burped 7-up.

Dave drowned.  So at the funeral, we got him a wreath in the shape of a life jacket.  Well, it's what he would have wanted.

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this?"  Some kind of joke?"

What does it smell like to go down on an eighty year old woman?

Depends.    

A daughter asked her mother how to spell "penis."

The mother said, "You should have asked me last night.  It was at the tip of my tongue"

Q: How do you make a baby float on water?

A: Try taking your foot off his head.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with the word, "Guess," on it.  So I looked at her and asked, "Implants?"

Crazy Joe laughed and laughed, even after he finished reading the jokes.  I thought he was going to just die from sheer laughter.  To save him from the possibility of laughing himself, literally, to death, I suddenly threw a brick at his head.  I think I saved the man's life.  :)     

Having Fun With Those Absurd Agree and Disagree Applications

In this economy, employers should be asking the right questions. If you're one of those people applying for work, I can help you, if you ask, nicely.

While helping out a friend fill out a resume and some job applications the other day, I was starting to understand why she was getting so frustrated.  Those applications, online or offline, that ask you if you strongly disagree, disagree, neither agree or disagree, agree and so on can be confusing and, to be brief, just plain stupid .

There were a lot of applications like that, that she was filling out.  Quite a few of them didn't ask much information regarding what skills she had or where she worked all her life.  Most of the time, the way the questions were asked, were more of the confusing psychological type that wanted to play a game of absurd therapy with you instead of being direct and asking pertinent questions.

I liked it better, in the old days, which wasn't that long ago, really, where the employer would ask you for recommendations from other people.  Some cared if those came recommendations from family or friends or people you had worked with and worked for. Then they would ask for your work history.  All of this, to me, is acceptable.  You know.  Where have you worked?  How long, did you work, at each place? You would make a list of your skills, too and check a page or two full of those questions, pertaining to your skills.   Those questions, I can truly accept and understand.  I can get behind logic like that.

And a lot of these "Strongly Agree and Strongly Disagree situation and feelings questions" leave out important details and/or a lot to be interpreted wrongly, too.

You can try to convince me, if you want to waste your time, that the employers, these days, have you fill out the stupid agree and disagree questions for reasons that would make them believe you're not a thief or a sociopath or any other type of undesirable person.  I'm just not buying into it.  Be straight or be gone, moronic employer!  That's what I'd say to those employers looking to play psychological games with an application and the applicant.  I don't play games with people, no matter who they are.

This friend wanted my help in trying to figure out the confounding questions, sometimes, and I helped before I got to the point where I wanted to bang my head on the wall, in frustration.  I think we ended up looking at four of them in one day and while she filled them out.  Now, that my friends, was really work.

People are going to lie, most of the time, anyway, with these silly multiple choice questionnaires.  There are no guarantees in this society that someone isn't going to go from behaving normally to going, suddenly, batshit crazy and kill everyone in a office cubicle or in a warehouse. People know what their potential employer wants to hear or see when they check off on the options on the forms, electronic or not, given to them.  If they don't, I neither strongly agree or strongly disagree that the applicant will be living in their parent's basements all of their unnatural lives until their bones turn to dust mites.  Depends on the person's work habits and what place they want to get hired on as an employee.  Depends on a lot of things that would take a lifetime to explain, in truth.

This is where ordinary human robots can be found.  The typical office.  The supervisor is your overlord.  He demands obedience or else.

Still, all in all, I'm looking to hire some people for my next project.  But first, you will have to pass a test involving cage fights with genetically enhanced pythons with 7 inch fangs, lovable, smart-mouthed teenagers that scream and foam at the mouth, if they don't have the latest smart phone on the market, along with a team of circus midgets, riding ferocious polar bears.

You'll all be put in a cage to prove your mettle and that you're qualified for the job.  If you survive, you will be asked to fill out (this is just a sample) the following questionnaire.  There are a lot of similarities between this one and the ones my friend encountered and had to fill out.  Believe me!

_________________________________________________

I'm a team player most of the time.
_Strongly Agree
_Strongly Disagree
_Neither Agree or Disagree
_Agree
_Disagree

You will listen to a co-workers complaints, about a task given to them, then try to assist them.

_Strongly Agree
_Agree
_Neither Agree or Disagree
_Disagree
_Strongly Disagree

You wish to sell a product that a customer thinks may be over priced.  They're wearing a Batman mask and a pair of ruby red slippers (a la Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz).  You try to convince he or she to buy the coffee maker.

_Strongly Disagree
_Disagree
_Neither Disagree or Agree
_Agree
_Strongly Agree

A supervisor gives you lengthy criticism over the way you spoke to a customer on a Thursday afternoon, around 9:24, when the workplace had been suddenly overran by deadly spiders and wicked prostitutes.  You say, "Thank you, sir.  I enjoy pasta," in response.

_Strongly Disagree and Strongly Agree
_I'm not sure if I stopped my car, completely, at that one stop sign this morning
_Zena: The Warrior Princess, could probably answer this question.  Something just tells me this to be true.
_Agree
_Cantaloupe

Your day's work has been destroyed by a fire but your employer wants you to start back from scratch and will not be pleased until you finish the work.  Seeing that you're about to pass out from the fumes, she offers you a carrot.  A coworker later walks past you, pinches their hardened, fully erect left nipple and continues walking, while singing a show tune.

_Strongly Agree
_Strongly Disagree
_Strongly Have a Boner
_Strongly Eat the Carrot
_Strongly Shake Your Head and Wonder How You Got Here

Your co-workers and employer throw you a surprise birthday party on company time.  You open the gift that everyone but that one tight ass chipped in to buy you.  It turns out to be a worn out, heavily dented, wooden, sticky pencil.  You show an excited exuberance, toward the gift, that would put Las Vegas showgirls to shame, by comparison.

_Strongly Agree but do it with a side of Small Disagreement mixed with obvious apathy
_Agree
_ I want to make up my mind, but I'm missing the instruction booklet
_Disagree
_I will or I won't go on quest to find rainbow colored unicorns that enjoy consuming carrots or placing them deep in their anuses

This must be you, on any given work day.

One of your handicapped co-workers asks you for a favor, giving you the correct amount of money for the task, that involves you getting them a soft drink from the vending machine.

_Strongly Disagree to scream at them like a horrid banshee from the depths of hell
_Strongly Disagree to drool at the corner of your mouth but Strongly Agree that they should rise from their wheelchair.  Why? Because you have given them the power to become healed and heal the sick and impaired, themselves.  Your magic is just that strong.  Wow.
_Tickle their belly, instead.
_Strongly Agree to cut a fart.
_Strongly Agree that, sometimes, crazy people and their erratic behaviors just aren't worth putting up with, no matter how bad you want the money, the job or to get along with "your team" or your fellow species.

This is just a small sampling of my application questionnaire.  I wish you luck. You will be contacted, if you are to have an actual person to person meeting with me, with even more insipid questions asked, when I feel like responding to you.  Good day!

Toadie in "Haunted Bordello" (Part 1)

Sure, I'm a little late with this Halloweenish type post entry... but do I care? Fuck no! My advice is to sit back, read this fine wholesome tale of insanity and mayhem and hold tight.

But before you jump in with both feet, you may want to check out this link and this link to bring you up to speed with this post, Toadie's latest adventure.

Toadie, a semi-retarded man and his girlfriend, Valerie, decided to move in together when they got back to Chicago after their "Christmas Trip" adventure. No longer was the 34 year old man under the care of his friends, Maggie and Rufus, though they did go to Valerie's apartment to see how he was doing every so often. They were, in fact, happily surprised to find that their younger cousin and somewhat dim-witted friend were moving along in their relationship to the point of being engaged to be married.

Then one morning...

Shaking the sleeping brunette from her sleep, Toadie leaned in close to his girlfriend's face and excitedly exclaimed, "Toadie wants to go on another road trip!"

Valerie, startled, opened her eyes and punched Toadie in the face, causing him to flip over the side of the bed and onto the floor. Toadie quickly got to his feet and much like an over-stimulated pet in dire craving for attention, he got back onto the bed.

Toadie said, "Toadie knows what Valerie wants for breakfast this morning."

Slightly annoyed but still curious, Valerie opened her eyes again and saw Toadie's impressive penis staring her in the face. Even though they had been fucking, quite frequently, since coming back home, she still couldn't believe how ginormous Toadie's dick was when was he hard. The only part of Toadie's anatomy that could equal the impressiveness of his schlong was his lengthy tongue; which gave Valerie many pleasurable, memorable experiences.

Valerie reached out and pulled Toadie's wang closer to her mouth. Just before taking it in, she looked at her lover's face and asked, "You're giving me the big sausage, again?" Toadie smiled and then said, "Only the best for my loving, gentle petunia ."

After Toadie and Valerie did the ol' "bump n' grind", the couple discussed taking another road trip. Toadie's normally successful methods of persuasion often left Valerie satisfied and bug-eyed.

A week later, the couple drove out onto the highway and set a course for Arizona. Along the way, they stopped at a diner for a quick lunch before heading back out onto the road. During the course of their lunch, Toadie looked up from his plate of food and watched what was happening on a television in the back corner wall. Valerie peered up from her burger to see Henry Paulson, in an interview, berating a reporter for bringing unwelcome facts to viewers and making him appear to be an unsympathetic bastard.

The former US Treasury Secretary and CEO of Goldman Sachs pointed toward the reporter and said, "The more accurate reason behind the Occupy Wall Street protest is that the majority of the poor and unemployed in this country are envious of the upper class. They want what the wealthier citizenry in this nation have- but since they don't feel they should put the effort forth to attain a better life for themselves, they will, instead, attend these radical protests in the hopes of swaying government decisions."

The reporter inquired, "So you don't feel that one possible reason behind the "Occupy" protests could be that the people are angry that the government is being influenced and manipulated by banks, corporations and the powerful one percent in America?"

Henry Paulson smirked for a second and then whispered, "The bottom feeders are just joining in the fray of this desperate act of futility instead of attempting to find employment."

The reporter asked, "What was that?"

Paulson said, loud enough to be heard, "I believe there are certain members of society who feel disenfranchised because of the current state of our economy."

Toadie leaned far to one side and butt burped a long, aromatic fart that wafted in the air and was inhaled by several elderly people in a nearby booth. The geriatrics suddenly clutched their throats and chests. George, an old gentleman sitting on the outside half of the booth, mumbled a short prayer before exclaiming, "Something is amiss!"

At that, George's head plopped down in a bowl of oatmeal. Important Information: The oatmeal was flavored with cinnamon powder and tiny, organically grown chunks of naturally sweet Granny Smith apples.

The old man in the oatmeal bowl laboriously exhaled, which produced from his mouth a bubble made of a combination of warm oats and two percent milk (and let's not forget those delicious apples!).

When Valerie and Toadie paid their bill, they returned to the car and drove into the state of Arizona. Their destination was the Grand Canyon. But after an hour of driving they became lost and confused. The joint they began smoking upon passing the state line might have had something to do with it. Who knows? I mean, it's not like I know the story or something.

Eventually, Val and Toadie completely went off the beaten track and wound up in a ghost town. Now, if you had been paying attention to the more northern portion of this blog post, you will have noticed a blog post title- which would, of course, given you a clue as to where this most amazing story was leading.

Ahem... and stuff.

Toadie and Val slowly drove into the long abandoned town. You could almost hear the eerie music in the background, but not quite, because Val had a radio station on that was playing Alternative music set at high volume. Toadie cocked his head and saw a few doors to old wooden shops and a saloon slam open and shut. He thought this odd because the air was still.

As they stopped in the middle of the small old western town in order to back up and turn around, the car made a chugging noise and then shook a little. Valerie looked down at her dashboard. The car had run out of gas. They sat there for a few moments, quiet in thought. The sun gradually made it's decent behind some far away mountains in the desert. Saguaro cacti covered most of the area they were in.

Toadie got out of the car and convinced himself that it was a good idea to go into one of the vacant buildings to search for anything that could help them. Valerie went into what was once a saloon and bordello. In the days of the Old West, this bordello had employed a dozen or so prostitutes. A woman by the name of Annie was the Madam of the place. She was a beautiful blonde haired, good-natured woman who had sucked many a cowboy off back in the day. It was rumored she had fallen in love with a cowboy named Joe.

When Toadie went past a wall in the saloon, he shook his head, curious and surprised at who he thought he saw in an old picture hanging on the wall. He took his key light out of his pocket, shined it toward the picture and upon closer inspection, he remembered seeing the people in the old photograph.

Stayed tuned for part two of this enchanting tale.

Hocus Pocus and Presto Change-o.  Here's the link for Part 2 of this stimulating, educational yarn.  :) 

All Knowing And Powerful Kelly Grants Thee Thy Answers

In Tuesday's post, I asked you, in a kindly manner, to offer up your stupidest questions that you longed for a lifetime to have answered. Lucky you that you have the GREAT AND MODEST AND WISE BEYOND ALL BELIEF- KELLY (which would be me) to fill thy empty, thirsty minds with knowledge of such immense magnitude, that thee shall flop to the ground like a well used prophylactic and GIVE RIGHTEOUS THANKS IN MY HONOR.

Behold! Here are thy inquiries once more, along with the fantastic, amazingly astute answers from I, THE MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, THE PARAGON OF A GOD, THE DUDE OF DUDES AND MUCH MUCH MORE.

As you can plainly see, or not, the questioner has been revealed first- with their amazingly insipid questions next and THE FANTASTIC ANSWERS, revealed even nexter and stuff- directly afterwards. Yep. And so it shall be.

The Minute Man's Wife

Question #1 - If a Purple People Eater eats people, what does he drink?

The Answer is, of course... The blood of misbehaving children on Santa's Naughty or Nice list.

Question #2 - Is sexual harassment at work a problem for the self-employed?

Answer: Only if they verbally abuse themselves, while sitting bare naked, on the glowing red burner of a stove. Then you know that person might be taking it too far and he or she might have a problem.

Question #3 - Why are some gay people so unhappy?

Answer: Because they are taking it up the ass.

Question #4 - Is there a limit to the number of stupid questions I can ask? (I have a lot more!)

Answer: The fish carries a bag of tube socks.

Q) If you are in a car traveling at the speed of sound, and then you turn your head lights on what happens?

Answer: You plow into a semi-truck. There will be a big explosion. When your head is sent, soaring high up in the sky, without your torso or all the rest of that funky stuff, you will this have this odd urge to wanna scratch your ass. But guess what? Your ass is being worn on top of somebody's head, down in the street below. When you float, light as a feather back down, you ask the dude wearing your anatomy like a hat- for your asshat back. Then he runs away like a little girl.

Hot From The Desk of Sir Tom Eagerly

Obviously in a Pythagorean triangle we know that a^n x b^n = c^n, (say for example, 3^2 x 4^2 = 5^2, that is 9 x 16=25). Naturally. Well can you prove that there is no whole-number solution to this equation where n is greater than 2 (up to infinity)?

Answer: Fork. Good question. Next.

klahanie (Gary)

1: If you are alone in the forest and a tree falls over, does the tree make a sound because you are there?

Answer: Not only does the tree make a sound because you're there but the chipmunks and tulips begin to sing you a very lovely song. The mushrooms you ate were very tasty. Dancing follows. What a beautiful day!

2: What is the speed of silence?

Answer: Is this a terrorist ploy? Do you see a bug on my shirt? In other words, %^$#@! and then some. Ahhh. Yes.

3: Why are peanuts called 'peanuts', when they are neither a pea or a nut, but actually a bean?

Answer: That's a very well thought out question. I have the answer. But first... Bask in my glory! BE AMAZED. wHAT? oH, THE QUEsTION OF THE PEaNUT. oOOPS. I fORGOT TO TURN THE CAPS KEY OFF. hOLD ON. Wait. There we go. Peanuts are called "pea-nuts" because they started out peas, metamorphosed as a nut, much like the caterpillar and the butterfly and then it changed into the modern day peanut as we know and adore it.

4: I keep hearing folks say that they, 'love their kids to bits'. Isn't that dangerous, Kelly?

Answer: Not if you pick their flesh out of your teeth right away after you're done eating them. If you forget, you may choke on those 'bits' in your sleep. You're welcome.

Lost.in.Idaho

Do you like gladiator movies?

The Answer: Yes and no. And fork.

Ever seen a grown man naked?

Answer: Only on an airplane. Turns out it was Leslie Nielsen. He was showing his junk like a tray full of tiny cups of soda and crappy wine.

Psycho Carnival reader, Krista

In the Wal-mart story, you give an example of a dissatisfied customer who returns her partially eaten sausage roll to the store for a refund. Her complaint? The sausage dripped meat juice into her bed (and apparently it also grew pubic hair).

Commentary: Funny how sausage sprouts 'curlies' when you're using it in or on your "plumbing."

My query is this: What is wrong with having 'meat juice' in your bed?

Answer: Not a thing. It's nice to have it thoroughly soaked into your sheets so you can suck it right out after a night of mating. Plus, you reap the extra nourishment by digesting all those loose "curlies".

THE SNEE

What do you think is going on wondrous, all knowing Kelly?

Answer: The Purple People Eaters are watching us from far above, finally deciding that they're going to come down to Earth. Later, teach us some card tricks. Maybe drink a few beers. We shall bow down to them and proclaim them our gods.

LilPixi

OMG, HOW messed up am I that I can't think of any questions off the bat?!

Answer: Am I holding two fingers or is there duct tape falling from the sky?

Wait a minute, does that count as question #1?

Answer: No.

Skid marks - serious issue or for the birds?

Answer: Not as much as you might think. The birds secretly believe the issue isn't serious but they don't want the rest of us to know that. It's great I could answer this question so adequately. Anytime. I farted.

Where do you stand on sexual relations with clowns?

Answer: I'm for it but I don't think the clowns are for it. They think we're too weird looking.

Is Mecha Streisand going to devour the senate in 2012?

Answer: As soon as Donald Trump takes over The White House. Then Mecha Streisand will expose the number of the beast, 666, upon her brow and all shall beg for their lives and shit themselves in tribute. Nightmare? Every last bit.

It seems Babs is feeling a might droopy today. tee hee.

BEHOLD!

If you stick a banana up your ass, is that still an acceptable form of daily potassium intake?

Answer: Yes. Then whipped cream and cherries are added. And then you march over to your loved one's face, bend over, butt cheeks facing them, cut a big fuckin fart and splatter Banana Split Supremo all over their surprised freakin' faces. Immediate applause follows.

bazza

If a bird can fly why can't a fly bird?

Answer: It's true what they say. Flies are afraid to be up in the air for too long. This is why their little fly wings will give out suddenly and they fall down to the Earth and land into the bubbling soup, screaming for their little fly lives.

Bonus Questions That Should Be Answered Immediately

Why is it that when the door is open they call it ajar but when the jar is open it isn't adoor?

Answer: Since when did the door become broken? Fork.

What is the speed of dark?

Answer: Approximately 2.4 miles per hour. I don't know what that is for them thar Europeans.

Is there a pill-popping, peanut packing postmaster in Peckersville, Pennsylvania? And if so, how?

Answer: That's what they all say. So I've heard.

When the shit hits the fan, does the fan scream, in protest?

Answer: Oh, I get asked this one all the time. The good news is... The fan is an inanimate object so it can't scream. The bad news is... I'm jerking off with sandpaper.

Is it raining?

Answer: Shhhh. Be very, very quiet. Can you hear that? That's your buddy, making you a Banana Split Supremo.

Can you make a tea off the sweat of your taint?

The Short Answer: In the days of the Old American West, the early pioneers would occasionally stop for a spell and there were times when they simply ran out of liquid refreshments to consume. This meant trouble. The womenfolk were quick to give those proud men an idea. And to this day, we can still go to the store and buy ourselves a big glass jar of Taintly Tea. Gosh, some good things in life never change.

If the bumbling baker boils his bowls of Bugaboo Broccoli Broth, how many squirrels will smile?

Answer: Behold! This is the last answer coming from The Magnificent Almighty Powerful And Greatly Powerful And Stuff Kelly. You have been honored with this vast knowledge I have entrusted to you this day. Take it with you. USE IT WELL. By the way, the answer to the question above is something you will only find out while you're alone in the forest. Happy days are just around the corner. Now put thy questions down safely, like on a soft downy pillow, to rest. Fare thee well! Oh, and don't forget to bask in my glory, folks. It's absolutely free!

Ask Kelly A Stupid Question

I demand that you give me all of your most stupidest questions, at once, my cherished friends, for I, THE GREAT AND MAGNIFICENT KELLY, will respond with the most amazing answers. Once I reveal these wise and wonderful intriguing solutions to your fascinating inquiries, you shall surely rejoice with gladdened hearts and fondle thyself with much laughter and tears of joy.

Behold!

Not sure quite what to ask??? Hmmm???

Here are some super fine examples of absurd questions that may be asked:

Why is it that when the door is open they call it ajar but when the jar is open it isn't adoor?

What is the speed of dark?

Is there a pill-popping, peanut packing postmaster in Peckersville, Pennsylvania? And if so, how?

When the shit hits the fan, does the fan scream, in protest?

Is it raining?

Can you make a tea off the sweat of your taint?

If the bumbling baker boils his bowls of Bugaboo Broccoli Broth, how many squirrels will smile?

ALL OF THESE SPECTACULAR INQUIRIES, PLUS YOUR OWN THAT YOU OFFER UP TO MY SPECTACULAR SELF, SHALL BE ANSWERED THIS FRIDAY. ASK THE GREAT AND MIGHTY KELLY ANY THOUGHTFUL (moronic) QUESTION THAT POPS WILLY NILLY INTO THY MIND AND I SHALL BLESS AND ANOINT THEE WITH SUCH WISDOM, YOU SHALL SURELY FALL TO YOUR KNEES, SOB AND ATTEST TO MY UNSURPASSED MARVELOUSNESS which will be followed, not long afterwards, by a dizzying array of song, dance and merrymaking.

Behold!

And prepare thy insipid inquiries for the Genuinely Goodly and Godlike Kelly!

OOoooooh, can you feel the excitement burning in your loins???? That's a STD, my friends!

Remember: All answers will be revealed in all of their seductive and comely completeness this Friday- so don't delay with those fabulously fantastic questions of yours.

Fool's Errand On April Fool's Day

Around a week ago, I thought of challenging myself to a task that I've never endeavored before. The challenge to myself may not seem like a big deal to you and in the grand scheme of life, it really means diddly-squat. I mean to take on this Fool's errand, starting today, All Fool's Day, that will have me creating and putting up a fresh new post, each and every day in the month of April.

"Wowee Gazowy!" you shout with as much exuberance as a kid who gets socks on Christmas Day. You're thinking, There's bloggers that do this every day. Who gives a shit? And you would be a correctly thinking cynical bastard for having this thought rattling in that big ol' noggin of yours. But, given the often arduous responsibilities I have had with certain family members and the time restraints involved, it is a challenge for yours truly. Only recently, have the burden of these responsibilities lessened with the help of several factors.

This challenge can be halted, unexpectedly, at any time due to what certain family members (and others involved) do or not do, of course. Anyway, I want to post something every day for a month just to see if I can do it.

This idea came to me during a weird day I was having, walking at the park. Just as it popped into my head, a huge motherfuckin' dog, that resembled a woolly mammoth without the tusks more than a loyal canine, struggled against the pull of a leash to eat me alive. The girl, no older than 16, was losing the battle of keeping this behemoth, this St. Bernard, from devouring my leg with this flimsy strap on a trail at the park I walk at every day. Several of her friends observed the shocked look on my face and laughed.

One of them said the usual thing that all pet owners say in these circumstances.

"Oh, don't worry. It won't bite."

Hey, that might be true most of the time, regarding your pet but that doesn't mean it won't happen at one point during their lives and it certainly doesn't give any comfort telling me or anyone that worthless shit. Hell, I've been bitten three times by dogs and each time I did absolutely nothing to cause them to take a fleshy hunk out of me. Two of those three times, I had been told earlier that their animals didn't bite people. So yes, I have a fear of dogs. For good reason.

Next time somebody tells me that their fuckin' animal doesn't bite gets to be whacked in the head with a baseball bat. The same goes for dumb fuckers who don't keep their dogs on a leash in public areas. Nobody knows for certain what their animal is going to do around anyone because animals, just like human beings, are unpredictable.

As I tried to quickly explain my past history with dogs to the teenagers while trying to walk around them, which was difficult because of the spot we had all converged, they blew off what I said like teenagers and some adults will do when you're attempting to give rational explanations to them.

The teenagers and the monster dog continued walking past me, ignoring what I was saying. Luckily, I escaped, with legs and arms still attached as we continued going in opposite directions.

Moving on, I later encountered a little boy, pretty far from where his parents were at, sitting and riding on a plastic tricycle. He said, "Hi. Who are you?"

Impressed with his willingness to be friendly to somebody he didn't know at his early age, I said, "Kelly. What's your name?"

He said his name was Tyler. At least I think he did. I really didn't want to stand there and talk to the kid for any length of time because I figured the parents would eventually look over, see that I was talking to their kid and think I was a guy with evil intentions or something. In this day and age, parents are leery of their kids talking to strangers (especially men), with good reason. I didn't want to be confronted with a potential weird situation. I just wanted to get through my day's walk without any more incidents.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on the way you perceive it, the kid followed beside me on his little plastic bike. He was determined to have a conversation with me. It was cute, you know, and I was very impressed with all of his questions and his details on what he had done so far that day and so on. Kids sometimes surprise me with their lack of self conscious behavior and fear that adults tend to have by the bucket loads.

So here I am, hobbling along, due to my feet problems, trying to be polite and at the same time, escape from this kid before the parents can come along and ask me why I'm talking to their kid. I'm doing my damnedest to avoid a potentially awkward situation and he pulls his bike directly in front of me and asks, "So where are you going?"

I felt like saying, but didn't say, "I'm trying to make it to my goddamn truck!" But, as evil as I pretend to be, I'm not going to do that. This was all kinda funny, in a way and I was beginning to feel a little sorry for the kid. I wasn't sure if he was just naturally this talkative all the time to complete strangers or if he was doing it out of loneliness or a little of both.

Exasperated, I took a deep breath and said, "I'm heading toward my truck. I have to get home. I'll talk to you later, sometime, okay?"

I wondered, after saying that, if the kid was going to ask me for my phone number so he could call me at home. Instead he asked, "Where's your truck?" I shook my head and laughed. I was afraid to tell him where my truck was at, figuring he would try riding over to it. About that time, one of his parents finally came over and began talking to him, saying it was time for him to go eat over at one of the picnic tables across the road. The parent didn't look at me once as he grabbed the boy with one hand and the bike with the other. And off they went.

Relief, at last, I thought. lol. But, I was happy to have the experience of such a courageous kid talking to me. I thought what a wonderful world it would be if everyone were as uninhibited as that. Ten minutes later, I was back in my truck, heading home and I wondered what the parents and kid talked about and did for the rest of the day.

The Cat and The Butterfly Girl

I was having the darnedest time getting open a trash bag, yesterday. It was one of those plastic bags where you can find no apparent groove in which your forefinger and thumb might separate one corner from the other. Doesn't this drive you to utter madness?

Now, I had the idea to lick my fingers so that I may gain purchase when I finally discovered the secret spot in which to open the bag but I thought, That may not be the best idea. I mean, I just petted my pussy cat's head a minute ago and although, he might be a clean pussy, as pussies go, he might have a smidgen of dry pussy pee on his noggin. After all, we have a big dome-covered pussy box in which he will go inside to use and perhaps, just perhaps, his urine spray might have ricocheted off one of the walls and landed on his head. Imagine.

Instead, I got the idea to put my forefinger and thumb under the water faucet, get them a little wet and try that. Well, wouldn't you know it? It worked! I got the trash bag open and placed it inside the trash can. Glory be! What a wonderful day it was to become!

Now, when I went downstairs to get rid of the full trash bag, I encountered another cat. I looked at him and noticed he was drinking a bottle of beer but I didn't think much of it at the time. After dumping my load (my bag in the dumpster), I went back toward the door and the cat put his paw out, saying, "Hey, would you mind a bit of company for awhile? I'm feeling kinda blue."

The cat took a swig of beer. He added, "Your cat buddy upstairs won't mind, will he?"

I said, "I don't know about that but you're welcome to come up for a bit before the Mrs. comes home from work."

When the cat, who called himself Marco Polo, came up the steps and into the apartment, he immediately folded his paws and commenced praying.

I had to ask, "Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

Marco Polo said, "Neither."

I had to ask, "So... Why are you praying?"

"I'm praying to The Superior Entity in the hopes he will offer me a sign or words of wisdom that will guide the humans on this planet to stop making so many wars, causing unnecessary life loss in order to appease the powerful and the rich."

I stood there as he continued his prayer and interrupted him, inquiring, "So you believe there's a Superior Entity that will give you this sign or words of wisdom through prayer or any other means?"

Marco Polo went back on all fours, belched and then said, "Beats hoping that humankind will come to their senses, pull together for better causes and try to get along. Heck, I'll try anything at this point."

No sooner than this was said that The Butterfly Girl flew in through my open window.

I marveled at her beautiful, flawless skin and soul searching eyes and silently wondered how it would be to poke her in her butt.

The Butterfly Girl's wings ceased fluttering and she positioned herself in an upright stance.

With arms outstretched, The Butterfly Girl said, "Though the minds of a portion of mankind have allowed them to achieve dominion over their own species and other life they consider less superior to their own, it may be that this world you exist upon has other plans for you. A scenario that is expected when smaller, mischievous living things aggravate and cause injury to the bigger living organism."

I said, "Does this mean you wanna do it?"

I made my tongue flip flop in my mouth, repeatedly, while I made a sexual, somewhat rude noise that one might consider an expression that I wished to lick the Butterfly Girl's labia and much much more.

The Butterfly Girl said, "Those who wish to dominate will do so by first attempting to manipulate your way of thinking."

When she said this, a picture formed in my mind. I'm not sure how it got there but I suspect the Butterfly Girl communicated it to me, telepathically.

Marco Polo rubbed up against The Butterfly Girl's leg and pleaded, "Could you please take me away from this world of pain and ignorance?"

The Butterfly Girl said, "There are no certainties that the next world will hold a better life for you than the one you have here."

Marco Polo said, "I'll take my chances."

Butterfly Girl picked Marco Polo up from the floor and caressed the pussy until it purred.

Before she abruptly vanished, with Marco Polo still in her arms, Butterfly Girl gave me a magical vagina mouse for my computer. She said that with it, I could find the answers that would lead the way into understanding our minds and unshackling old concepts that bind us and keep us in a state of stagnation or worse.

I plugged my vagina mouse into a port, went back and sat it my computer chair. I observed that when I pressed the middle love button, the mouse squirted an enticing, aromatic liquid.

"Juicy," I concluded.

The rest of the day was spent searching for any signs of understanding, any words of wisdom, any paths that might help and that I could use to persuade humankind to abide by for their own sakes and benefit. At times, I did find such things. But, I somehow knew that mankind would likely ignore these things and they would have to find the paths to a better existence on their own.

After all, I thought, humans were well known to better accept something that they themselves discovered rather than something that was carefully pushed into their minds by subtlety or the direct approach. But then I thought, Nah, these dumb asses will follow anything if the bait tastes good enough. I laughed at this until I cried. As some will.

The Psycho Carnival Award For Originality

I'm more than just a little ecstatic and loopy with glee to present my first ever, created-by-me, award. You could say that I'm more excited than a upright-standing, three-legged weasel, twirling a baton and gnashing it's teeth to the beat of Metallica's Master of Puppets. In the three and a half years of blogging, I felt the urge to produce an award that seemed to represent a quality I admire most in a blog... ORIGINALITY.

This award is given to those I believe who stand out in their blogs by showing and offering one of the greatest qualities most of us enjoy finding in a blog- and that is true originality. I'm talking about the kind of originality that you can tell isn't forced to garner attention for attention's sake or some other trivial pursuit but the kind that is apparent, shown by fresh, inviting writing that is displayed simply for the enjoyment of the blog author and any random Internet surfer that is visiting.

It can be a blog of humor, world news, history, paranormal, erotica or one that does not fit with the supposedly normal (but not really) values of a truly fucked up society or a mixture of all of the above and then some. Whew! I think I popped a vein in my forehead getting all that out. For Christ sakes, call 911 or give me a blow job or something. Girls only, though. My swing only goes in one direction.

In the future, I will award other bloggers this fine, you-can't-sell-this-for-magic candies award another time but for right now, I'm going to offer it to these four fine folks. I won't bother handing it to the good folks out there who don't accept awards because there's no point.

Without further ado, I present the Psycho Carnival Award for Originality to the following bloggers, in no particular order (please save for your applause or masturbatory tribute until I've finished reading the recipient's names) :

(1) Rebecca, from the most excellent, humorous satire blog called The Snee: The Sometimes, Never, Eventual, Express. Very original, very clever. You'll ask yourself where she comes up with this great stuff until you finally blow a vein in your head. Then you'll be sad. But if you get your satiric news here, you'll be a happy weasel once again.

(2) Greg, from The De-Evolution of Man. Always some wild, original and hysterical writing to be found here. He can find the humor in the craziest or most mundane of things. Like the routine a man goes through each morning... such as showering, shaving, shitting and dipping a spoon in the soft, wriggly eyeball of a tied up retard who every so often shouts, "Akibba bu dilla!", without warning.

(3) LilPixi, from It's a Lollipop World. Brilliant, off-the-fucking-hook writing and photos can be found here. Laughs are what you'll get when you read her up front, in your face stories and ideas. The very epitome of originality are what you'll find on her site. You'll chuckle uncontrollably until you spooge.

(4) Gary, from klahanie. His blog promotes positivity with his non-abrasive, honest writing that is often spiked with humor, irony and/or kindness. His writing and photos are completely original and that is one of his qualities I most admire. Plus, his farts smell like cabbage. I know. He kindly sent me a jar of homemade farts for Christmas last year. Had a fancy bow on top.

People seem to enjoy making rules up for these awards that are passed around to show appreciation. I've never understood the rules concept in all that. But for fun, and because the devil is dancing and playing the ukulele by my ear, I feel compelled to come up with a few rules you may or may not want to act upon. Or make up your own. Remember... you're creative... and original. Just don't get too creative or the boring, normal ones will lock you up in a padded cell, in leather restraints, with no pants. That way, they can come and bugger ya in your sleep.

Here be for thee... The Magnificent Rules

First- Copy, paste and display these rules and this award upon your blog, if you so desire.

Second- Give this award to anyone who exemplifies originality, in some way, in their blog.

Third and Three Quarters- Answer this most important question: Ketchup or Pygmies?

Fourth- Write an original thought (or something that seems like a rare idea) or display a photo for everyone to stare at, in awe, that will cause the peeps to fall down upon their knees and smile with tears of profound realization. Or just say the first thing that comes to mind.

Fifth- Give a link to the one who bestowed the award to you. No, I don't mean a savory sausage link. That's the image I just saw in your mind. Amazing, yes?

Well, folks... there you have it. The Psycho Carnival Award For Originality. Winning recipients may place this award upon their mantelpieces with pride and enjoy for years to come. I must go now and twirl my baton.

Tag, Bag and Interrogate

Blog pal, Gary, from Klahanie, recently tagged me for a survey. I guess some bloggers would be slightly perturbed by the tagging thing but I'm not. For one, I've had writer's block for awhile now and this gives me the opportunity to write about something. And two, this survey gives me the chance to express my delightful opinions and write about my favorite subject... ME!

God, who can't get enough of sweet, wonderful ME? I'm the darling of the blogging world or something, after all.

Immediately following this question and answer fest, I have "tagged" four other unsuspecting bloggers who will surely thank me and send me gifts that may give off peculiar aromas and stuff. Like Gary, I also have thoughtfully included the 19 survey questions, separately from my given answers, so these lucky bloggers can just cut and paste them onto their own blogs. How convenient! Gosh, I'm better than swell! Anyways, here ya go...

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?

I see my cat, Victor, as an animal and a member of the family, as opposed to seeing him as a furry four legged tea kettle and a member of the United Square Dancers of America organization. Out of all the cats I've had in my 47 years on this rock, and I've had quite a few, I think I regard Victor as a close member of the family because my Mom named him (and really liked him) only months before she passed away. After she died, Victor gave me a lot of comfort just by snuggling up to me or lying on my lap when I was suffering through my deepest depression moments. It seemed to me that he sensed these feelings and still does.

With that said, though, the little bastard will still cross my path in the morning, shortly after getting out of bed, causing me to trip, fall and almost crack my head on the toilet as I attempt to take my morning piss. (More on this important information later)

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

That people would wise up and realize that we're destroying the environment, take real action to find and implement the use of alternative clean sources of energy and stand up for the truth of what's wrong in our society instead of cowering behind excuses to not "make waves" and help resolve the critical issues we face today. I'm not sure you could call that a "dream", however. I would say it's more like a fantasy. Like something akin to a fairy tale involving unicorns being ridden by cross-eyed leprechauns or suddenly seeing a politician do something that wasn't self serving.

3. What is the one thing most hated by you?

Oh shit! I'm only allowed to pick just one? I can't make a list? Well, that doesn't seem fair, so, of course, I'm must break the rules. To name just a few things I hate most, I'll go with:

*Conformity

*Greed

*Racism

*Destruction of the environment

*Sexism

*War

*Lies that do real damage

*Wave after wave of snowstorms

*Stealing

*Texting

*Bullies

*Close mindedness

*The continuous, uninterrupted screeching of undisciplined children

*People who talk about the same old boring things, knowing that they're boring the shit out of you and yet they still keep talking. There was a time I put up with this behaviour. Now, I make up an obvious lame excuse to leave their company or hang up on them. My time is too valuable. If you feel you have to talk that much about nothing, go talk to a wall.

*People who have too many children, without regarding the consequences

*And people who try too hard to give their offspring cutesy, clever and slightly differently spelled popular names in order to give the insinuation that their little rug rats are unique just because of the cutesy and clever name they have bestowed upon them.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Honestly, I would keep a sizable portion of it for my wife and I and hide a lot of it away. I might go on a trip around the world and buy a new car. I'm not much into owning material things but there are some things we really need. I would also donate a good chunk of it toward finding a real solution to our fossil fuel dependency problem and give the rest to charities. I'm neither a saint or a greedy asshole.

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

Watching comedy shows like Family Guy, Tosh.O and more. Truly interesting science, documentary or history shows will distract me enough to pull me out of a bad funk. Of course, blogging helps take me out of a bad mood, too. Interacting with friends. Reading an interesting or funny website, book or magazine. Being out in nature gives me peace of mind. Taking pictures. Listening to music. Masturbating furiously to the sounds of raindrops on a tin roof. (Just kidding on the last one). It's actually the sound of an ambulance siren that does it for me.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

I'm not sure how to interpret "more blessed" in this question. I think it's like when you give someone a gift or help someone out. You get something back, regardless if you get a gesture of gratitude or not, in return. It makes you feel great, or, at least it should. Loving someone is like this but on a higher level. With that said, though, I think feeling that you are truly loved by the one you love is even more remarkable, if you want to make comparisons.

7. What is your bedtime routine?

This is funny because I sort of went over this in a post not long ago. To start with, I'll take my medication. Eat a little food. Give myself an insulin shot. Pack my wife's lunch that she takes to work in the morning. Make one last trip to the shitter to pee or make poopie. Head to the bedroom. Strip completely naked. (are you becoming aroused?) Then slide beneath the sheets. Turn over, stomach side down. Then sleep, snore and fart while my wife does the same. Strangely enough, the cat likes to jump on the bed and sleep right between our asses in the middle of the night. So far, he hasn't passed out or died.

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

I informally met my wife of 21 years while I was up in a tree with my cousin and sister, giggling and making bizarre animal noises and so forth. Before I go on, I want to point out we weren't having a family orgy or anything like it. We save that for Easter Sunday. Lol. But, I digress. I was 19 or 20 years old at the time. We had climbed up into the tree earlier, talking and making jokes. Not long afterwards, a frozen foods delivery guy pulls up into my parents driveway to either make a delivery or take an order. Hidden behind all the tree limbs and leaves we decide to prank him by making all types of strange noises. Meanwhile, the guy is looking all around the front yard and the rest of the neighborhood, wondering where the hell the sounds are coming from and what the hell is making them. About that time, my future wife is taking a stroll with her mother down the street that's close by to the tree we're sitting in. I can hear her asking her mom, "What is that?" We all laugh and quickly become quiet when they direct their eyes toward the tree. They slow down, shake their heads and continue heading down the street but before they get too far from earshot, I shout, "Helloooooo!".

I'm sure she and her mother thought we were a bunch of morons or nut jobs. And it's true, we were. Our family definitely has a strange sense of humor. I formally met my wife years later where I worked. Not long after that, we began dating. Somewhere during the dating period, I impressed the heck out of her with the tree story.

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

Right now, I would like to watch the band, Them Crooked Vultures, create music in the studio for another CD.

10. What kinds of books do you read?

An easier question to ask would be, What types of books don't you read? I read almost every genre out there. Science fiction or fact, humor, philosophy, mystery, trivia and more. I made a short list of books I've read in the middle column of this blog. Take a look at the list and you'll get an idea of what types of books I read. I own a small library's worth of books. My favorite author is Kurt Vonnegut. Sadly, he's gone from this world but his words will forever stay true, profound and meaningful. His words are his greatest legacy. Vonnegut said a lot with what people would perhaps call "a sardonic sense of humor". He and a few unique others have inspired me in my viewpoints and writing throughout my life.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?

I would like to move out of this area and somewhere it stays warm all year round. Beyond that, I can't say how I see myself in even one year's time. These days, my life seems to be pushed and shoved in directions dictated by the forces of family obligations and aggravations. If any of these worries were to be resolved or decreased, I would be better equipped to focus solely on my life with my wife.

12. What’s your fear?

My wife, dying before me. Cheery, aren't I? Other than that, I don't fear a whole lot anymore. I've been numbed, to a large degree, by outrageous things that have happened in the past.

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

Yes, I would give up all junk food to go into space. Seeing the Earth, the Moon, the stars and everything else out there would be the ultimate experience of a lifetime. Not only would I give up countless cans of peanuts but I'd give my right bulbous nut up for the chance. Yes, sir.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

I look at rich, yet single people with a certain pity. Especially the ones that just endlessly have one fling after another. It would be fun for awhile, but God, what a void to have in your life!

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Ahh, I'm so glad we got around to this one. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I attempt to get out of the bed, with only slant consciousness, to make my stumbling way toward the bathroom without being tripped by my loving cat. After taking (or leaving, rather) a shit, I make myself a pot of coffee, eat, drink, watch the morning news, become agitated by what I see, slowly begin to regain consciousness and come in here to play, seek and blog on the ol' computer. Approximately a half hour to an hour, after this routine, will pass before I completely wake up. Speaking to me before this time would be a severe risk to your life and happiness.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

It's been said that my wife talks a lot. That's an understatement. She never stops talking. Hope she never reads this! My wife will stop in public and talk to a perfect stranger for a lengthy period of time about anything and everything. She's very people-friendly. I, on the other hand, have been told that I'm relatively quiet, unless there's something I feel that's important or humorous enough to talk about. In comparison to her and likely a lot of people, I'm an anti-social bastard. And that's true, to a certain degree. One thing I could change about her? Maybe to talk a little less. At least to people she doesn't know while we're trying to get from one place to another. One thing she would change about me? That I would talk a little more. Don't get me wrong! I'm open, not shy in the least... just not "talky". I really have to force myself to talk at social gatherings. And yes, I know I would terribly miss "her constant chatter" if she were gone from my life. In conclusion, we complete each other and more importantly, love each other, despite these minor irritations.

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

I actually do have another name. MasterHeathen. Say the name, slowly, three times as the sun begins it's decent on the horizon and I will suddenly appear behind you, smiling and with a big sharp knife in my hand. Tee hee. When you turn around, I will cut a delightfully pungent fart and stab you in the eye. Hell, at least we'll have something to talk about. Or we could just go the other way and get nicely wasted. I'm easy.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

Honestly, I would forgive in that situation, if asked to, but I would never forget. If, for some reason, you are able to forget a horrible thing that someone special has done to you, you either have the self esteem of an antelope turd or you're in the second or third stages of Alzheimer's disease. There's a world of difference between forgiving and forgetting and forgetting may not be safe or wise for your future welfare in regards to interacting with that "special someone".

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

Pizza. You can put pretty much anything you want on a pizza, so you have the food variety thing going on there. Chicken. Pineapple. Bacon. Veggies. And whatever else that "tickles your fancy". That expression sounds so obscene. Pizza is the ultimate variety food.

Here's the survey questions:

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
3. What is the one thing most hated by you?
4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
7. What is your bedtime routine?
8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
10. What kinds of books do you read?
11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
12. What’s your fear?
13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?
15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

These are the 4 lucky bloggers that I have tagged for this survey... drum roll, please...

LilPixi from It's A Lollipop World

The Wolf from The S.N.A.F.U. Report

Rebecca from The Snee

Greg from The De-evolution of Man

As always in these "taggings", none of the mentioned bloggers should feel pressured to participate in the survey. If you do participate, feel free to answer any way you want and pass the survey along to 4 other bloggers. This is just my way of annoying the shit out of some of my blogging buddies. Hell, somebody has to do it. :)