Guy checks into a hotel, asks the clerk, "Is your porn disabled?" "No," replies the clerk, "It's the regular kind, you sick bastard."
John goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown". John just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?" In a very weak voice John says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." John said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
These are the Royal Wedding condoms, called CROWN JEWELS. I kid you not. Talk about being in bad taste. This is a real product. Enlarge the picture to check out the oddly humorous details of the rubbers. If you want, click this link to go to the company's website. I thought it was just a joke at first. I guess it is, in a strange sort of way. On the bottom of each box of condoms it says: LIE BACK AND THINK OF ENGLAND. Wtf???
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That's great... Did you get a blow job?"
"Oh, no... I never found her head."
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
How do you get a baby out of the blender?
Definition of disgusting?
Shoving 7 oysters up your grandma and sucking out 8.
A woman is in a coma. While washing her intimate parts, a nurse notices a slight pulse. She calls her husband, and explains to him,
" ... so I have a theory that if such slight stimulation can give her a pulse, oral sex just may wake her up completely!"
"Well ok, I'll try, if it helps her," says the man.
The nurses wait for him outside the room. All of a sudden, they hear the woman's pulse go flat, and rush in the room to see the man buttoning his pants. With a confused look on his face, he says, "Yeah, I think I might have choked her."
What's better than four gold medals at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Chuck your washing in.
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.
The little boy asks: ’Can I have a beer Grandpa?’
Grandpa replies: ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’
The little boy answered: ’No Grandpa. It’s just a little pecker’.
Gramps says: ’Well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer’.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: ’Can I have a cigar Grandpa?’
Once again, Grandpa asks: ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’
Once again the little boy replies, ’No, it’s too little’.
Gramps replies, ’Then you’re not man enough to have a cigar’.
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, ’Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?’
The boy ask, ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’
Gramps replies , ’Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass’.
The little boy replies, ’Then go fuck yourself’. Grandma made these for me’
This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.
After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. He immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm... they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."