Crazy Joe's Internet Advice, Corny Jokes and More

Crazy Joe came up to me the other day, while I was throwing bricks against a brick wall in an alley. He nearly made me shit a brick when he tapped me on the shoulder, suddenly, from behind.  More importantly, though... Why do I throw bricks against bricks walls?  Well, because, you know, that's one of my favorite hobbies and it's really just as fulfilling as engaging in silly behavior on the InterNutz.  That latter of which seems to be the latest fad or sign of mental deficiency the days.  Confused?  So am I.

Speaking of which...

After pecking me on the shoulder, Crazy Joe said, "Man, some people are getting super loopy on the InterNutz these days?"

I said, after turning around and about to cave his forehead inward with a brick, "You scared me! I damn near smashed your fugly face in with this large brick in my hand."

I paused for a moment, realizing what he had just said before I was going to smash a brick into his skull.

Then I quickly asked, "What the hell are you talking about, Crazy Joe?"

Well, first he handed me a joke card and waited for a second while I read it.  It looked like this:

I laughed.  Crazy Joe laughed.  Then he said, "Shit like this freaks people out on the InterNutz.  Some people either do or don't get the humor of it, or they're extremely sensitive about certain language, get shitty about it or they're irate about the unimportant subject matter.  Doesn't make sense regarding the priorities in a normal person's life, really"

I stood back and replied, "Yeah, it's a loopy InterNutz world out there.  Some of them could use a brick to the head.  But you see all kinds.  Some are open minded, though.  I usually hang out with folks like that.  Kindred spirits, so to speak."

Then Crazy Joe gave me a typed document and said, "For kicks, I thought these up last night, after observing bad behavior on the InterNutz for a few hours."

At the top of the form was the title, CRAZY JOE'S INTERNET ADVICE

This is what it said:

* It's fucking impolite to verbally attack or call a specific person a negative name when you don't agree with him or her. If you don't agree with what they saying, just give your opinion on the subject or not- or ignore it, altogether and move on.  And life is too fucking short to act like children playing an " I Win/You lose" fucking type of game.  For fuck's sake! Fuckity fuck fuck!

* Do the world a favor. If you're on a social network site, stop telling your friends and family every petty detail of your life.  Throw in a funny image every fucking once in awhile, fuckers!  Break up the monotony of detailing your everyday routines to one and all.  Talk about anything you might find humorous!  Share the gift of laughter, fuckers! Or talk about something interesting, for a change!  You find that people just as open-minded as you are, are worth getting to know and enjoy interacting with, no matter what type of website you're spending time.   

* If you're too fucking overly sensitive to look at what you believe to be an offensive image, get thine ass off of whatever website or social networking page you're on and move thee fuck onward with your sensitive self.  Remember: It's A-Fucking-Okay if you don't care for the humor you happen to see but if you don't like what you see, your eyes can always look elsewhere.  

* Hey, don't start fights between friends or family while you're on one of those social networking sites, either!  If you've been given a couple dozen clues that you are prone to do that shit, then I highly advise you to take your nasty ass, trouble-making self to this one alley I know of, to get a free complimentary brick thrown at your fucking loopy head.  

* And please stop with the positive images with the light weight words that are supposedly uplifting and are supposedly "magical" in their ability that when you first lay your eyes on them and read them, you are, all of a sudden, a completely changed fucker for life.  Reality doesn't work that way.

I read the rest of what he had typed and while nodding my head, in agreement, I handed the advice list back to him and I said, "I agree with a lot of what you have to say here, Joe, but, as I've experienced in the past before, you can't change people, no matter how badly they need to change for the sake of harmony and tolerating others ."

Joe looked up at me and calmly replied, "But you can, sometimes, provoke them to open their minds and think.  And that's a start."

I said, "You may have a point there."

Crazy Joe said, "I believe I fucking do."

Then he smiled, noticing the grin on my face when he knew I got the joke of him repeatedly saying the word, "fuck" or "fucking" in every other sentence in his document or the present conversation to make a point that only the sharp minded would get.

I handed Crazy Joe a piece of paper that I had printed off my computer from a friend's email he sent me the other day.  I explained to Crazy Joe that my friend is really into corny jokes.  I said my friend knew there would be some on there that he knew would make me groan because they were moronic or silly.  But, I added, he was also nice enough to add a few jokes that he knew would give me a decent laugh, depending on how they were worded.

I asked Crazy Joe, "Do you think these corny jokes would freak certain people out?"

Crazy Joe looked at my piece of paper I had handed him and saw these jokes, along with an image down at the bottom.  Here they are:

What did the lamp say to the man?

Nothing.  A lamp is an inanimate object.

Two men walked into a bar.  The third one ducked.

What kind of shoes are made from banana skins?  

Slippers.

What kind of rooms have no walls?  

Mushrooms.

What happened to the boy who drank 8 cokes?

He burped 7-up.

Dave drowned.  So at the funeral, we got him a wreath in the shape of a life jacket.  Well, it's what he would have wanted.

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this?"  Some kind of joke?"

What does it smell like to go down on an eighty year old woman?

Depends.    

A daughter asked her mother how to spell "penis."

The mother said, "You should have asked me last night.  It was at the tip of my tongue"

Q: How do you make a baby float on water?

A: Try taking your foot off his head.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with the word, "Guess," on it.  So I looked at her and asked, "Implants?"

Crazy Joe laughed and laughed, even after he finished reading the jokes.  I thought he was going to just die from sheer laughter.  To save him from the possibility of laughing himself, literally, to death, I suddenly threw a brick at his head.  I think I saved the man's life.  :)     

Jokes I Just Thought Up Because I'm Drunk and Reportedly Speak A Foreign Language

While crossing the street, a nun is accidentally hit by a bus.  It doesn't look good.  Sister Ruby Goodshoes appears to be bleeding from every orifice of her body.   A crowd gathers round the nun and a few text their friends about the incident while others take photos with their camera phones.  The concern over the young woman is beginning to get overwhelming.  One man, in an expensive suit, even considers calling the number for medical emergencies but calls his stockbroker, instead.

Suddenly, a man of much heft, waddles forward through the throng of onlookers and texters.

"Stand back!" the surly man commands.

The elderly man, driving the bus, comes out, visibly shaking and asked, "Is there anything I can do?"

"I can handle this", says the fat, bald-headed man, with complete calm, "I'm a doctor."

With that said, he quickly rips open the nun's shirt, tears off her bra and then pulls down his pants and commences to masturbate, furiously.  In a matter of minutes, the fat man spews forth his jism upon the nun's shuddering chest.  After his last squirt, her heaving breasts become still.

"Huh," said one concerned female pedestrian, previously chewing a wad of gum, "I think she's, like dead, or somethin'."

The fat, bald-headed man threw his arms toward the sky and exclaimed, "Well, I CAME as fast as I could!"

---------

This is a bus.  It has wheels.  Every so often, the wheels go round and round... round and round.

Several cops are pepper spraying a group of activists, outside the building where the G8 meeting is taking place.  One of the activists, despite being blinded by the pepper spray, coughs profusely, yet still manages to shout, "Corporate interests are dominating what is reported and the world's governments and this forum of puppeteer-ed leaders is nothing but an insulting charade!"

Then the incapacitated man shakes and coughs, violently, before falling down and going into the fetal position.  The cops quickly come to his aid by merrily beating him with their clubs after one officer falsely accuses the man, through a megaphone, of carrying a gun.

After the cops are done beating him and handcuffing him, a corporate executive walks up, pats the cops on the back and says to the cops, "These dummies certainly don't know when to quit.  "

Bob, the policeman, replies, "Tell me about it.  Five minutes ago, one of them was telling me "Global Warming" is real.  After I laughed, I punched him in the belly and kicked him in the head and then I said, "You don't know what you're saying, friend.  We still get snow here, about a couple times a year, when years before, we had actual seasons, when the weather patterns were relatively normal."

After Bob said that, he looked to his fellow officer and the corporate executive, awaiting comments, concerning his little speech he had given the rotten punk.

The other cop says, "Yeah... and the city was only flooded a couple months, straight, in a row."

The businessman said, "Yeah... and the temperatures are well above average only 364 days a year, here."

Suddenly, an intelligent man came up to all of them and said, "I couldn't help but to overhear your conversation.  I just wanted to tell you people that you're just proving that the statements you've just made actually prove that victim's point- if you dare to think about it."

While laughing at the intelligent man, a bus abruptly jumps the curb and runs over everyone but him.  Luckily, a fat bald-headed man hurriedly ran up, said he was a doctor and quickly jacked off on them as they took their last few breaths of life.

-------

Q: What do you get when you cross a squirrel with a turtle?

A: A fat, bald-headed dude ejaculating on somebody.

On that note... Have a great weekend!  Oh, wait!  I just thought up my quote of the day: Sometimes absurdity presents itself on many different levels in many different ways during this time, in which we live.  One of the greatest qualities of the human race is that they are likely to progress through the absurdity, the tragic events we sometimes encounter.  We need to laugh, love each other and remember the good times and the good contributions that mankind has made.  


I think I need to go to bed.  Gooooooooodnight.

Tweetering With One's Twitter

In the past I thought the Twitter and Facebook social networking websites were kind of an odd joke. A lot of folks go on these sites and tell other folks about every trivial little thing they're doing at the moment. Example: I'm scratching my head and thinking about a donut- or something equally as fascinating. Some people, like me, go on Twitter and Facebook to basically joke around with blog pals and every once in awhile, say something of significance. That last part, about the significance, is mighty rare, by the way. The likelihood of you seeing the U.S. budget deficit decrease in the near future may be a more common occurrence.

Then you have those who use one and/or the other as a way to promote their website, in varying degrees. Of course, there are the family and friends who go on either one of them and have real discussions with each other- at least, as real as a discussion you can have by reading and sending meager 140 character text-based messages (for Titters, that is). With "Fartbook", you have a little more space to write your oh-so-important messages and status updates. But, really, who gives a good shit, right? lol.

And what's the deal with people texting these messages on either one, saying they're not home and they're at this place or the other? I see that sometimes. Isn't that like inviting somebody to break in and rob your place while you're gone? Just a thought.

As you can see, I still think of both websites as kind of a joke. Personally, I use both of them for a little joking between friends and a little blog promoting (very little). It's hard for me to take Fartbook or Titters too seriously.

For your confusion and mediocre entertainment, I thought I would share The Best? of my Tweets on Twitter.

Here they are...

Finally broke down and bought a new electric shaver. Used the nose hair trimmer on my hairy nostrils.Don't worry. It all came out OK.

Except for that booger that got stuck in it

I'm hiring people to test this booby trap that shoots darts at somebody's head. The pay is excellent. I'm offering a Granny apple.

God, I hate frickin' mornings. I don't know how y'all do it.

yay...you love me long time. Boing!

Was in the shitter stall at a restaurant the other day.Thought of something funny.Started laughing my ass off. I wonder what people thought

You can't take me anywhere. I'm always making a scene.

Earlier, I saw two mothers racing their baby-loaded strollers against each other.I thought it was stupid so I threw a hand grenade their way

I found out three days ago that I can split a wooden chair with one blast of my ass. That's a talent you don't find every day.

I need to clean my keyboard. There's stuff on it I don't recognize.

Annoying people won't stop calling me today. Shut up, annoying people. Go away, please. I don't want your "crazy" right now.

I just got a haircut. Don't ya just hate it when the tiny bits of hair make ya itch around your neck?

Hurry up, coffee. Brew, muthasucka! Brew! I needs ta wake up.

Oh, sweet lawd... the coffee iz ready. Oh life-giving coffee, I wanna make piping hot love to thee. I wanna feel the burn, baby. sssss

I think I'm gonna lay down for a nice nap and dream of naked clown orgies.

Who took my sausage? Where are my notes? Is someone peeking at me from around the corner? Ah! Aliens!

Diddly doo diddly dee- I'm off to climb a tree

The coffee is making me piss a lot this morning. Maybe I should drink less. Nahhhh.

The story has a bit of everything. Wisdom, surrealism and a vagina mouse.

turds... I just thought it hasn't been said enough today

To all who have read my exciting entries thus far, have a good night or morning or whatever it is to you.

My ass cheeks are on fire from sitting too long.. Gotta get up and cornhole some furniture. That will put a smile on my face. Mmmm.

The most popular Google keyword to finding my site is animal genitals- just because I did one post on that subject.

I hear some idiot digging in the trash bin below me in the parking lot. I think he's digging for cans. He does this about every night

This is like talking to yourself but instead- typing on a keyboard. Does this make one crazy?

MERRY GODDAMN CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL. HO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF VALIUM...or whatever it takes to get ya through holiday hell.

In 3 more hours, a tribe of rabid family members will breach my hectic household and wreak chaos, kids, inane chatter and property damage

You can find more Christmas spirit in a frozen turd than you can find in me this year. What a surprise, eh?

Oh for the love of sanity, people, keep your friggin' gifts and just give me a tiny taste of peace and tranquility

Aaaah, look at all the hair on the palms of my hands! I shall repent hastily. wank wank wank

i KNOW ALL 'BOUT THOSE FAMILY SHIT STORMS. gOING THROUGH SOME HEAVY BATTLES IN THE WAR ZONE NOW. OPPS, MY CAPS ARE ON

oooh I just bet you do. I'm wearing my special underwear with dark brown skid marks. Are you lovin' it?

Thanks for that information.Now I know you're not home and I can magically transport to your place and spooge on your pillows

Thinking about going for my daily walk in the frozen tundra. Please, no one should attempt to rob the place while I'm away.

I have an attack cat that will rub up against your leg and meow if an intruder should come in

16 degrees F. here right now.The weatherman said if you go outside tonight,naked,you'll get frostbite on your wiener.

My belly is too full for me to sleep. I wish I could take a big plop. Then I would feel good as gold again. Damn these Thanksgiving dinners

gobble gobble... then squish, squirt, plop and splash. Thought the visual might help.

Humunna- Humanna- Humanna... Don't know what it means... but I've heard it before. Goodbye, sanity. Hello, tranquility.

BP CEO Tony Hayward wants his life back. And why does he always have that stupid grin on his face? He seems like an egotistical idiot.

I say we drop Tony in a lake of oil, set it afire and watch the fun.

will there be boobies?

Lick My Salty Meat Sack Today For A Better Brighter Future Tomorrow

Life is a carnival of insanity. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.If they try to, hit 'em with a taser gun or something.

I miss you,you bastard.Hey Qelgoth,I'm back and I'm twice the evil I was before.I make cat fisting look easy now.

Help. Help. I've fallen and I can't stop twittering and saying profound stuff

Remember the good ol' days when Bush and Cheney blew goats and snorted coke off the backs of trannies with Down Syndrome? What fun they had!

Rain, Motherf***ker, Rain! It's pouring down like crazy here. AHA HAHA HAH AHHAH AHAH HAHHAH AHAHHAHH N HAHAHHAJDDIT

The older I get, the more I tire from this crazy human species. This world needs an enema

People who dress their pets in outfits should be taken out to the woodshed for a whippin'

I'm playing cornhole with my goat.

Just got back from my walk around the park. The fountains were spurting green water and the snow is finally melting.

Were you hit by lightning? In the head? Let me help you. There are those committed to helping the deranged. I know.

automagically should be a real word

If lovin' is bad I don't wanna be good

If you hit your thumb really hard with a blunt instrument, your apology will be accepted. :)

My farts smell like fresh made bread or something that smells like it poofed out from the rectum of the Pillsbury Dough Boy

Lordy Lordy, puddin n' pie, kiss da girls and made them fly.

Currently, I'm singing a song I just made up. It's called "I Hate People". If you know the words, you are invited to sing along with me

Neil Young is almost the only remaining cool guy that's still talented and has been around for ages.

Just made a big ol' pot of chili. Salsa is my secret weapon, when added to the pot. Think about it. Salsa has everything you want in chili

It's time for revolution, everyone! Be it yourself or the rest of humanity!

That's it, folks! Hell, if these fascinating entries don't make you wanna FOLLOW ME on Titters, then gosh, I don't know what will. (rolls eyes)

Really Sick Jokes

Guy checks into a hotel, asks the clerk, "Is your porn disabled?" "No," replies the clerk, "It's the regular kind, you sick bastard."

*********

John goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown". John just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?" In a very weak voice John says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." John said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"

********

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

********

These are the Royal Wedding condoms, called CROWN JEWELS. I kid you not. Talk about being in bad taste. This is a real product. Enlarge the picture to check out the oddly humorous details of the rubbers. If you want, click this link to go to the company's website. I thought it was just a joke at first. I guess it is, in a strange sort of way. On the bottom of each box of condoms it says: LIE BACK AND THINK OF ENGLAND. Wtf???

*********

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

**********

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great... Did you get a blow job?"

"Oh, no... I never found her head."

**********

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

************

How do you get a baby out of the blender?

Nachos.

********

Definition of disgusting?

Shoving 7 oysters up your grandma and sucking out 8.

************

A woman is in a coma. While washing her intimate parts, a nurse notices a slight pulse. She calls her husband, and explains to him,

" ... so I have a theory that if such slight stimulation can give her a pulse, oral sex just may wake her up completely!"

"Well ok, I'll try, if it helps her," says the man.

The nurses wait for him outside the room. All of a sudden, they hear the woman's pulse go flat, and rush in the room to see the man buttoning his pants. With a confused look on his face, he says, "Yeah, I think I might have choked her."

*********

What's better than four gold medals at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

*******

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Chuck your washing in.

*********

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: ’Can I have a beer Grandpa?’

Grandpa replies: ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’

The little boy answered: ’No Grandpa. It’s just a little pecker’.

Gramps says: ’Well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer’.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asks: ’Can I have a cigar Grandpa?’

Once again, Grandpa asks: ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’

Once again the little boy replies, ’No, it’s too little’.

Gramps replies, ’Then you’re not man enough to have a cigar’.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.

Grandpa asks, ’Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?’

The boy ask, ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’

Gramps replies , ’Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass’.

The little boy replies, ’Then go fuck yourself’. Grandma made these for me’

********

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. He immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

********

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm... they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Sickest Jokes

A man is waiting in the hospital for his wife to give labor when the doctor walks up to him, all excited.

Doctor: Sir you have to see this, your son, he is a super hero.

The man is confused by this statement

So the doctor takes him into the nursery and picks up the the mans baby

Doctor: See, he can fly...

The doctor drops the baby. The baby hits the floor and bounces a little bit.

The Man gets all pissed off..

Man: Hey, what the fuck if your problem?

Doctor: NO I ASSURE YOU!! Your baby is a super hero watch, maybe he just needs a head start.

So the doctor picks the baby back up and runs through the nursery and throws the baby. The baby slams right in to the wall head first and lays on the floor.

The man is even more mad now.

Doctor: I don't know why it isn't working maybe he needs to fall further to make his flying abilities work right.

The doctor then Grabs the baby off of the floor and takes it to the window and drops him. The baby falls and lands on the pavement.

The man is beside himself.

Man: I am going to kill you you piece of shit. Why would you do that?

Doctor: No, No, It's ok, It's ok, it was just a joke, It was just a joke... Your baby was a stillborn.

-------------

A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.

He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket.

The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing jizz, huh?"

She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."

-----------

A teacher asks the class 'what do your fathers work as?'

Little Suzy answers 'my father is a policeman.'

Little Brian answers 'my father is a fire man.'

'What about you Johnny?' asks the teacher.

'My dad is dead miss' answers little johnny.

'I'm sorry to hear that' replies the teacher 'what did he do before he died?'

'He went purple, stopped breathing and pissed and shit himself' replied Johnny.

---------

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."

"What," the other asks, "green?".

"No," says the first, " a bit sour."

-----------

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because his cock was up the chickens ass.

-----------

How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick.

-------------

There once was a vampire named Mabel

whose periods ran quite stable;

Every full moon

she'd pull out a spoon

and drink herself under the table.

-------------

Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm?

A. He is usually home with the kids!

Q. Why do midgets laugh when they run?

A. Because the grass tickles their balls!

-----------

A young couple was talking about them having sex.

"We can do it at my house, oh wait, my parents are going to be home" said the guy.

"Well, my parents are going to be away all week, but I have bunk beds with my little sister" the girl said.

"Thats fine, we'll do it on Saturday, oh, and one more thing, the codes, if you want me to go faster, just say ham, if you want me to go softer, just say turkey" he said.

Saturday night happened, they were on the top bunk, doing it like crazy. The little sister could hear her sister scream out "Ham, turkey, ham, turkey".

Finally the little sister got up and said " I don't know why you guys are making sandwiches, but you're getting mayo all over me!"

----------

There once was a lady named Dot,

Who lived off pig shit and snot,

When she ran out of these, She ate the green cheese,

That she grew on the sides of her twat!

Sicker Jokes

What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?

I cried when I cut up the onion.

Why did the feminist cross the road?

To suck my dick.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the light bulb, the other to suck my dick.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It’s a period" reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Hell if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shit himself."

What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?

Ask her why she left the kitchen.

How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.

Her son's dick tastes funny.

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

What's red and silver and walks into walls?

A baby with forks in its eyes.

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.

The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The woman says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "Fuck me then!"

The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The woman opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The woman is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the woman is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

Everyone sing!

Sing a song of syphilis,

A fanny full of crabs,

Four and twenty abscesses,

Twice as many scabs,

When it starts to open,

A crab begins to sing

What a fucking dirty cunt

To put a penis in!

Have a great weekend, fuckers!

Sick Jokes

What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?

-- The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out

I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today I found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".

to which the second hobo replies: "Oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"

"Did you get a blow job?"

"Naw, I couldnt find her head"

An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.

The teacher says, 'Save the children!'

The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'

The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.

"You must be single." the clerk says.

Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".

"Because you're ugly".

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"

Rape isn't a laughing matter, unless it is with a clown.

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

A: Not being retarded.

Q: How many babies does it take to paint a house?

A: Depends on how hard you throw them!