This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Friday, April 8, 2011

All Knowing And Powerful Kelly Grants Thee Thy Answers

In Tuesday's post, I asked you, in a kindly manner, to offer up your stupidest questions that you longed for a lifetime to have answered. Lucky you that you have the GREAT AND MODEST AND WISE BEYOND ALL BELIEF- KELLY (which would be me) to fill thy empty, thirsty minds with knowledge of such immense magnitude, that thee shall flop to the ground like a well used prophylactic and GIVE RIGHTEOUS THANKS IN MY HONOR.

Behold! Here are thy inquiries once more, along with the fantastic, amazingly astute answers from I, THE MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, THE PARAGON OF A GOD, THE DUDE OF DUDES AND MUCH MUCH MORE.

As you can plainly see, or not, the questioner has been revealed first- with their amazingly insipid questions next and THE FANTASTIC ANSWERS, revealed even nexter and stuff- directly afterwards. Yep. And so it shall be.

Question #1 - If a Purple People Eater eats people, what does he drink?

The Answer is, of course... The blood of misbehaving children on Santa's Naughty or Nice list.

Question #2 - Is sexual harassment at work a problem for the self-employed?

Answer: Only if they verbally abuse themselves, while sitting bare naked, on the glowing red burner of a stove. Then you know that person might be taking it too far and he or she might have a problem.

Question #3 - Why are some gay people so unhappy?

Answer: Because they are taking it up the ass.

Question #4 - Is there a limit to the number of stupid questions I can ask? (I have a lot more!)

Answer: The fish carries a bag of tube socks.

Q) If you are in a car traveling at the speed of sound, and then you turn your head lights on what happens?

Answer: You plow into a semi-truck. There will be a big explosion. When your head is sent, soaring high up in the sky, without your torso or all the rest of that funky stuff, you will this have this odd urge to wanna scratch your ass. But guess what? Your ass is being worn on top of somebody's head, down in the street below. When you float, light as a feather back down, you ask the dude wearing your anatomy like a hat- for your asshat back. Then he runs away like a little girl.

Hot From The Desk of Sir Tom Eagerly

Obviously in a Pythagorean triangle we know that a^n x b^n = c^n, (say for example, 3^2 x 4^2 = 5^2, that is 9 x 16=25). Naturally. Well can you prove that there is no whole-number solution to this equation where n is greater than 2 (up to infinity)?

Answer: Fork. Good question. Next.

1: If you are alone in the forest and a tree falls over, does the tree make a sound because you are there?

Answer: Not only does the tree make a sound because you're there but the chipmunks and tulips begin to sing you a very lovely song. The mushrooms you ate were very tasty. Dancing follows. What a beautiful day!

2: What is the speed of silence?

Answer: Is this a terrorist ploy? Do you see a bug on my shirt? In other words, %^$#@! and then some. Ahhh. Yes.

3: Why are peanuts called 'peanuts', when they are neither a pea or a nut, but actually a bean?

Answer: That's a very well thought out question. I have the answer. But first... Bask in my glory! BE AMAZED. wHAT? oH, THE QUEsTION OF THE PEaNUT. oOOPS. I fORGOT TO TURN THE CAPS KEY OFF. hOLD ON. Wait. There we go. Peanuts are called "pea-nuts" because they started out peas, metamorphosed as a nut, much like the caterpillar and the butterfly and then it changed into the modern day peanut as we know and adore it.

4: I keep hearing folks say that they, 'love their kids to bits'. Isn't that dangerous, Kelly?

Answer: Not if you pick their flesh out of your teeth right away after you're done eating them. If you forget, you may choke on those 'bits' in your sleep. You're welcome.

Do you like gladiator movies?

The Answer: Yes and no. And fork.

Ever seen a grown man naked?

Answer: Only on an airplane. Turns out it was Leslie Nielsen. He was showing his junk like a tray full of tiny cups of soda and crappy wine.

Psycho Carnival reader, Krista

In the Wal-mart story, you give an example of a dissatisfied customer who returns her partially eaten sausage roll to the store for a refund. Her complaint? The sausage dripped meat juice into her bed (and apparently it also grew pubic hair).

Commentary: Funny how sausage sprouts 'curlies' when you're using it in or on your "plumbing."

My query is this: What is wrong with having 'meat juice' in your bed?

Answer: Not a thing. It's nice to have it thoroughly soaked into your sheets so you can suck it right out after a night of mating. Plus, you reap the extra nourishment by digesting all those loose "curlies".

What do you think is going on wondrous, all knowing Kelly?

Answer: The Purple People Eaters are watching us from far above, finally deciding that they're going to come down to Earth. Later, teach us some card tricks. Maybe drink a few beers. We shall bow down to them and proclaim them our gods.

OMG, HOW messed up am I that I can't think of any questions off the bat?!

Answer: Am I holding two fingers or is there duct tape falling from the sky?

Wait a minute, does that count as question #1?

Answer: No.

Skid marks - serious issue or for the birds?

Answer: Not as much as you might think. The birds secretly believe the issue isn't serious but they don't want the rest of us to know that. It's great I could answer this question so adequately. Anytime. I farted.

Where do you stand on sexual relations with clowns?

Answer: I'm for it but I don't think the clowns are for it. They think we're too weird looking.

Is Mecha Streisand going to devour the senate in 2012?

Answer: As soon as Donald Trump takes over The White House. Then Mecha Streisand will expose the number of the beast, 666, upon her brow and all shall beg for their lives and shit themselves in tribute. Nightmare? Every last bit.

It seems Babs is feeling a might droopy today. tee hee.


If you stick a banana up your ass, is that still an acceptable form of daily potassium intake?

Answer: Yes. Then whipped cream and cherries are added. And then you march over to your loved one's face, bend over, butt cheeks facing them, cut a big fuckin fart and splatter Banana Split Supremo all over their surprised freakin' faces. Immediate applause follows.

If a bird can fly why can't a fly bird?

Answer: It's true what they say. Flies are afraid to be up in the air for too long. This is why their little fly wings will give out suddenly and they fall down to the Earth and land into the bubbling soup, screaming for their little fly lives.

Bonus Questions That Should Be Answered Immediately

Why is it that when the door is open they call it ajar but when the jar is open it isn't adoor?

Answer: Since when did the door become broken? Fork.

What is the speed of dark?

Answer: Approximately 2.4 miles per hour. I don't know what that is for them thar Europeans.

Is there a pill-popping, peanut packing postmaster in Peckersville, Pennsylvania? And if so, how?

Answer: That's what they all say. So I've heard.

When the shit hits the fan, does the fan scream, in protest?

Answer: Oh, I get asked this one all the time. The good news is... The fan is an inanimate object so it can't scream. The bad news is... I'm jerking off with sandpaper.

Is it raining?

Answer: Shhhh. Be very, very quiet. Can you hear that? That's your buddy, making you a Banana Split Supremo.

Can you make a tea off the sweat of your taint?

The Short Answer: In the days of the Old American West, the early pioneers would occasionally stop for a spell and there were times when they simply ran out of liquid refreshments to consume. This meant trouble. The womenfolk were quick to give those proud men an idea. And to this day, we can still go to the store and buy ourselves a big glass jar of Taintly Tea. Gosh, some good things in life never change.

If the bumbling baker boils his bowls of Bugaboo Broccoli Broth, how many squirrels will smile?

Answer: Behold! This is the last answer coming from The Magnificent Almighty Powerful And Greatly Powerful And Stuff Kelly. You have been honored with this vast knowledge I have entrusted to you this day. Take it with you. USE IT WELL. By the way, the answer to the question above is something you will only find out while you're alone in the forest. Happy days are just around the corner. Now put thy questions down safely, like on a soft downy pillow, to rest. Fare thee well! Oh, and don't forget to bask in my glory, folks. It's absolutely free!


Gucci Mama said...

I am blown away by the sheer brilliance of these answers.

The Wolf said...

Well Kelly I am impressed with your sage like wisdom. Though I'm wondering about your opening rant, are you taking lessions from Charlie Sheen?

LilPixi said...

Classic!! The most laughs I've had all day. You should do this regularly.

Anonymous said...

Straight from the brain that is Sir Tom Eagerly:
Of course , Kelly you will have spotted that mine was a trick question.
Fermat's Last Theorem was solved by the British (hooray!) matnmatician, Andrew Wiles in the mid 1990's! He based his triumph on the Taniyama-Shimura conjecture. Funny old world isn't it?

Anonymous said...

Straight from the brain that is Sir Tom Eagerly:
You will have noticed of course that it was a trick question because the British (hooray!) mathmetician Andrew Wiles actually solved Fermats Last Thorem in the early ninties.
You will collapse into a helpless heap of laughter when I tell you that he based his answer on the TaniYama-Shimura conjecture. Who'd have thought it, eh?
I have now resolved not to drink before 7am! Cheers.

Anonymous said...

Straight from the brain that is Sir Tom Eagerly:
How many of me are there? I'm seeing double!

THE SNEE said...

I really needed that laugh brilliant,,sage, and omniscient Kelly! I really think you need a regular column ala Dear Abby, but with this special Psycho Carnival twist. I quite enjoyed the ride. I mean read. I can't wait to see what you come up with next. Your creative juices are definitely flowing!

Kelly said...

Gucci Mama- I am, too. And you can use these answers to get ahead in life, as well. I wake up in the morning, instantly impressed with myself.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Gosh, I'm with ya there on being impressed with me. Who wouldn't be? Charlie Sheen? Hmmm. Never heard of him. He sounds like he's brilliant and loaded with tiger's blood.

Kelly said...

LilPixi- Thanks, LilPixi. Glad I could brighten your day. I may do this another time. :) Have a great weekend!

Kelly said...

Sir Tom- Dude, thanks for all 3 spectacular comments. For the record, I see 1000 of you. I think it's the bourbon. I'm right there with ya about that there Fermat's Last Theorem. Good stuff, that is. That Dolly Lama conjecture sounds about right, too. You must be a genius or something to know all of this. I feel as though I'm not worthy to be on the same Internet with you, somehow. gosh. Good luck on not drinkin' before the butt crack of dawn. I'm rooting for ya, Sir.

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- Glad I could give ya some laughs, today, Rebecca. With all those complimentary descriptions of me, you're causing me to blush and pee my britches. The more people say I should do a Dear Abby-like column, the more I'm thinkin' that's a swell idea. Just think of all the people I'll be helping with my sage advice! Wow.

I think you may be onto something about my 'juices flowing'. That's why I have to sit on my wife's pillow when I write. She really appreciates a soaking wet pillow. :) Have a fantastic and peaceful weekend, Rebecca!

Anonymous said...

Wow! And I thought you were just kidding about being Brilliant! Your intelligence surpasses my expectations by fork!

billy pilgrim said...

wow, you know a lot of stuff!

are you an arcanist?

Kelly said...

The Minute Man's Wife- Wow! And no joke about being brilliant. I've been blessed and stuff. My intelligence surpasses your expectations by fork!? Hahaha... That's quite a bit, you know?

Kelly said...

billy pilgrim- And I can catch a quarter off my elbow, too. Imagine that! Arcanist? No. More like an anarchist- with a slice of cheese.

bazza said...

Gosh Kelly, Thanks, oh wise one, for that deeply considered answer. Now I can sleep at nights once again.
Enjoy the weekend; we've got a mini-heat wave in the south of England!
Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

Kelly said...

bazza- Yes, my friend, thy inquiry was deeply considered, as anyone can see and appreciate. lol. Rest, ye well, Sir Bazza.

Seriously though, I envy your mini-heat wave in the south of England. We're still trying to climb out of Winter half the time anymore. The calendar might say it's officially Spring but we're still getting light snow and temps in the 30's and 40's around here on some days.

Take care, dude. Have a dandy rest of the weekend!

klahanie said...

Okay dude,
You can relax now. I said I would backtrack and comment on this posting after I commented on the posting that is above this here posting n' stuff. Look above this posting and you will see you have posted another posting. That would be in case you didn't know that you had posted another posting above this posting because you were too busy wondering when Gary, yes, shy and humble Gary, would arrive to comment on this posting.
Note that my comment is really long and blogger might not allow such a lengthy comment to be published.
And thus, I wish to say that your answers to the questions didn't disappoint and I, for one, am truly grateful to have left here with a bit more knowledge, thanks to your informative answers to the very important questions.....Take care and thank you so very much, oh wise and wonderful one! :)

Kelly said...

Hey dude, you can relax, too. You can comment when you're able to comment or whenever you can comment if you not busy commenting in a comment window such as this. I know- I tell ya all the darned time I fall at my knees and sob with frenzied delight every time you pay this lil' ol blog a visit- but golly. You're not a brilliant speaker like Charlie "Flaming Turd Torpedo of Truth" Sheen or somethin'.

Gosh. Gee, I didn't see where you left a grotesquely lengthy comment here. Not a darn bit. And it looks like what you wrote is all here... for my enjoyment. Wow. Glad all your questions got filled to the brim. Consider yourself wise enough to take a pee without help. Take care now, Gary, my ol friend. :)

Jesus the hobo said...

Thank goodness all of that advice was free. 'Cause I am one broke hobo.

Static said...

Me too.

Rafael Clarkstein said...


Skrib said...

FORE! **swings fork and hits golf ball sending it flying 300+ yards which lands in Kelly's buttcrack

How should we call it an "eagle"? I think it's a hole in one.

Santa_4_reals said...

*shakes head

Stupid muthafuckas.

Kelly said...

Jesus the Hobo- You is one lucky hobo to have stopped by, my man. Here, have a piece of meat jerky. It's made of children.

Kelly said...

Static- Why looky here, y'all! It's the man of many interesting multiple personalities. Is he a hobo? Is he a black man with a snazzy hair style? Could he be that guy with a penis for a nose or that foreigner that delights in saying, "High five." ??? In any case, you are ALL WELCOMED here, my friend. You may all pull the taffy in my pants and walking away sticky-fingered. Greetings!

Kelly said...

Rafael- Sshhh. Don't say a word. Sheenzilla is sneaking up behind you. He smells fear- but not the stink of his own failure.

Kelly said...

Skrib- At last... a real comedian in our midst. And now I laugh.

Kelly said...

Santa_4_Reals- Awww... It's okay, Santa. They know not what they do to our brilliant and ever-so-delightful savior, Kelly. Oh heavenly aliens in outer spaces, please forgive them and stuff.

And now... I anoint all 5 of thee with thy unholy spunk so that all of you might go in peace and spread the good word... The Word of Kelly.

Jesus the hobo said...

"Here, have a piece of meat jerky. It's made of children." lol! Sen. Jon Kyl loves it.

Kelly said...

Jesus the hobo- lol. Senator Kyl is so cool. I've heard many things that are untrue about the man. At least that's what Mr. Colbert told me over lunch.

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