In Tuesday's post, I asked you, in a kindly manner, to offer up your stupidest questions that you longed for a lifetime to have answered. Lucky you that you have the GREAT AND MODEST AND WISE BEYOND ALL BELIEF- KELLY (which would be me) to fill thy empty, thirsty minds with knowledge of such immense magnitude, that thee shall flop to the ground like a well used prophylactic and GIVE RIGHTEOUS THANKS IN MY HONOR.
Behold! Here are thy inquiries once more, along with the fantastic, amazingly astute answers from I, THE MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, THE PARAGON OF A GOD, THE DUDE OF DUDES AND MUCH MUCH MORE.
As you can plainly see, or not, the questioner has been revealed first- with their amazingly insipid questions next and THE FANTASTIC ANSWERS, revealed even nexter and stuff- directly afterwards. Yep. And so it shall be.
Question #1 - If a Purple People Eater eats people, what does he drink?
The Answer is, of course... The blood of misbehaving children on Santa's Naughty or Nice list.
Question #2 - Is sexual harassment at work a problem for the self-employed?
Answer: Only if they verbally abuse themselves, while sitting bare naked, on the glowing red burner of a stove. Then you know that person might be taking it too far and he or she might have a problem.
Question #3 - Why are some gay people so unhappy?
Answer: Because they are taking it up the ass.
Question #4 - Is there a limit to the number of stupid questions I can ask? (I have a lot more!)
Answer: The fish carries a bag of tube socks.
Q) If you are in a car traveling at the speed of sound, and then you turn your head lights on what happens?
Answer: You plow into a semi-truck. There will be a big explosion. When your head is sent, soaring high up in the sky, without your torso or all the rest of that funky stuff, you will this have this odd urge to wanna scratch your ass. But guess what? Your ass is being worn on top of somebody's head, down in the street below. When you float, light as a feather back down, you ask the dude wearing your anatomy like a hat- for your asshat back. Then he runs away like a little girl.
Hot From The Desk of Sir Tom Eagerly
Obviously in a Pythagorean triangle we know that a^n x b^n = c^n, (say for example, 3^2 x 4^2 = 5^2, that is 9 x 16=25). Naturally. Well can you prove that there is no whole-number solution to this equation where n is greater than 2 (up to infinity)?
Answer: Fork. Good question. Next.
1: If you are alone in the forest and a tree falls over, does the tree make a sound because you are there?
Answer: Not only does the tree make a sound because you're there but the chipmunks and tulips begin to sing you a very lovely song. The mushrooms you ate were very tasty. Dancing follows. What a beautiful day!
2: What is the speed of silence?
Answer: Is this a terrorist ploy? Do you see a bug on my shirt? In other words, %^$#@! and then some. Ahhh. Yes.
3: Why are peanuts called 'peanuts', when they are neither a pea or a nut, but actually a bean?
Answer: That's a very well thought out question. I have the answer. But first... Bask in my glory! BE AMAZED. wHAT? oH, THE QUEsTION OF THE PEaNUT. oOOPS. I fORGOT TO TURN THE CAPS KEY OFF. hOLD ON. Wait. There we go. Peanuts are called "pea-nuts" because they started out peas, metamorphosed as a nut, much like the caterpillar and the butterfly and then it changed into the modern day peanut as we know and adore it.
4: I keep hearing folks say that they, 'love their kids to bits'. Isn't that dangerous, Kelly?
Answer: Not if you pick their flesh out of your teeth right away after you're done eating them. If you forget, you may choke on those 'bits' in your sleep. You're welcome.
Do you like gladiator movies?
The Answer: Yes and no. And fork.
Ever seen a grown man naked?
Answer: Only on an airplane. Turns out it was Leslie Nielsen. He was showing his junk like a tray full of tiny cups of soda and crappy wine.
Psycho Carnival reader, Krista
In the Wal-mart story, you give an example of a dissatisfied customer who returns her partially eaten sausage roll to the store for a refund. Her complaint? The sausage dripped meat juice into her bed (and apparently it also grew pubic hair).
Commentary: Funny how sausage sprouts 'curlies' when you're using it in or on your "plumbing."
My query is this: What is wrong with having 'meat juice' in your bed?
Answer: Not a thing. It's nice to have it thoroughly soaked into your sheets so you can suck it right out after a night of mating. Plus, you reap the extra nourishment by digesting all those loose "curlies".
What do you think is going on wondrous, all knowing Kelly?
Answer: The Purple People Eaters are watching us from far above, finally deciding that they're going to come down to Earth. Later, teach us some card tricks. Maybe drink a few beers. We shall bow down to them and proclaim them our gods.
OMG, HOW messed up am I that I can't think of any questions off the bat?!
Answer: Am I holding two fingers or is there duct tape falling from the sky?
Wait a minute, does that count as question #1?
Skid marks - serious issue or for the birds?
Answer: Not as much as you might think. The birds secretly believe the issue isn't serious but they don't want the rest of us to know that. It's great I could answer this question so adequately. Anytime. I farted.
Where do you stand on sexual relations with clowns?
Answer: I'm for it but I don't think the clowns are for it. They think we're too weird looking.
Is Mecha Streisand going to devour the senate in 2012?
Answer: As soon as Donald Trump takes over The White House. Then Mecha Streisand will expose the number of the beast, 666, upon her brow and all shall beg for their lives and shit themselves in tribute. Nightmare? Every last bit.
It seems Babs is feeling a might droopy today. tee hee.
If you stick a banana up your ass, is that still an acceptable form of daily potassium intake?
Answer: Yes. Then whipped cream and cherries are added. And then you march over to your loved one's face, bend over, butt cheeks facing them, cut a big fuckin fart and splatter Banana Split Supremo all over their surprised freakin' faces. Immediate applause follows.
If a bird can fly why can't a fly bird?
Answer: It's true what they say. Flies are afraid to be up in the air for too long. This is why their little fly wings will give out suddenly and they fall down to the Earth and land into the bubbling soup, screaming for their little fly lives.
Bonus Questions That Should Be Answered Immediately
Why is it that when the door is open they call it ajar but when the jar is open it isn't adoor?
Answer: Since when did the door become broken? Fork.
What is the speed of dark?
Answer: Approximately 2.4 miles per hour. I don't know what that is for them thar Europeans.
Is there a pill-popping, peanut packing postmaster in Peckersville, Pennsylvania? And if so, how?
Answer: That's what they all say. So I've heard.
When the shit hits the fan, does the fan scream, in protest?
Answer: Oh, I get asked this one all the time. The good news is... The fan is an inanimate object so it can't scream. The bad news is... I'm jerking off with sandpaper.
Is it raining?
Answer: Shhhh. Be very, very quiet. Can you hear that? That's your buddy, making you a Banana Split Supremo.
Can you make a tea off the sweat of your taint?
The Short Answer: In the days of the Old American West, the early pioneers would occasionally stop for a spell and there were times when they simply ran out of liquid refreshments to consume. This meant trouble. The womenfolk were quick to give those proud men an idea. And to this day, we can still go to the store and buy ourselves a big glass jar of Taintly Tea. Gosh, some good things in life never change.
If the bumbling baker boils his bowls of Bugaboo Broccoli Broth, how many squirrels will smile?
Answer: Behold! This is the last answer coming from The Magnificent Almighty Powerful And Greatly Powerful And Stuff Kelly. You have been honored with this vast knowledge I have entrusted to you this day. Take it with you. USE IT WELL. By the way, the answer to the question above is something you will only find out while you're alone in the forest. Happy days are just around the corner. Now put thy questions down safely, like on a soft downy pillow, to rest. Fare thee well! Oh, and don't forget to bask in my glory, folks. It's absolutely free!