Winning The "I Love This Blog Award"

After having an up and own, roller coaster kind of week, I was happy to find out I won the I LOVE This Blog Award from The Minute Man's Wife late last night. It's just what the doctor ordered.

Speaking of doctors, my wife had to have an ultrasound and other tests done to see if she had blood clots in her legs and other health risks. I had been worried about test results this past week and when I found out she didn't have blood clots, I felt better. A big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. There are still other health problems that she has- but they would take too long to describe here. I hope these other things, regarding her health, will be resolved in the near future. I don't see any reason why they won't. With the new medication she is on, for the other problems, she says she is feeling better already.

In gratitude of this award from Minute Man's Wife, I'm going to put aside the topic I was going to discuss today. Although she's a relative newcomer to this blog, I've grown to appreciate her funny and heartfelt comments. Do yourself a favor and go to this woman's blog. It's excellent. Her writing is sharp and really draws you in. She's funny, serious, wise and completely honest with how she feels and she tells it like it is. My kind of blogger. Check out The Minute Man's Wife.

The rules with this award say I gotta share 10 things. Just like TMMW, I wasn't sure what this meant either. lol. Could be ten scabs of dead skin. Or ten wascally wabbits- but I don't have any. Could be ten words of wisdom but I think I've blown my sloppy wisdom all over the place in Friday's post. Still cleaning up from that nasty episode.

Now, if I were a bettin' man, I'd hazard to guess they were talking about sharing some personal facts about yourself when they thought of the "ten things" rule. Luckily enough for all of you, I just happen to have ten exciting, knowledge-you-couldn't-live-without type of facts about myself that I've kept hidden underneath the bed- just in case of a rainy day.

Prepare to be WOWED.

#1- I sleep, totally naked, on my belly, because that's the only position I can sleep in. Please be considerate and do not fuck me in the ass. And please, whatever you do, kindly refrain from putting refried bean paste in my bare, hairy ass crack and using this as a reservoir for nacho chip dipping.

#2- The way I like my eggs: scrambled.

#3- This occurred in my very wild twenties: Instead of a mistletoe hanging from the living room doorway at my Christmas party, I hung up a big dildo I had bought earlier that week. To my amusement, people still kissed under it, drunk and not giving a shit what was hanging over their heads. By the time I woke up, half dead from partying, in the morning, it wasn't hanging up over the doorway any longer. It was on the floor, in the corner of one of my bedrooms- sticky, dirty and covered with pubic hair. No one I asked could or would tell me anything about it. To this day, it's still a mystery. I guess it wasn't used on the cat. It was still alive at the time.

#4- I'm a Libra in the wheel of astrological signs. A Rabbit in the Chinese zodiac, for what it's worth.

#5- I love these books and many more: Earth (The book) by Jon Stewart and The Daily Show writers, K-Pax by Gene Brewer, Lost Horizon by James Hilton, The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex by Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist, Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions and Clive Barker's Books of Blood series. I'd be here all night if I listed all of the books I've read and loved. :)

#6- I'm currently listening to The Trouble With Angels (double CD set) by Filter.

#7- I would like to go back to Arizona for a third time and walk on The Grand Canyon Skywalk. It hadn't been built yet when I went to the Grand Canyon the first two times. I wonder if they would let me pee over the side.

#8- My shoe size is nine or nine and a half, depending on the make or brand of the footwear. Fascinated? Come on... admit it... you are. :)

#9- Halloween costumes worn in the past: A Jinn, a Rastafarian, a woman, a priest with his pecker hangin' out (a big plastic dick was used instead of my real penis. I thought it might be less scary), a ghost, The Batman, a zombie/cowboy and a gynecologist.

#10- I need a new computer. Buy me one!

The Minute Man's Wife passed this award on to three blogger recipients. I'm being a stingy bastard this time, when it comes to handing out awards and I'm going to give it to only one of my new favorites, Bar Science, an excellent booze blog by the blog author, G. It has a lot of interesting facts about all things boozy, travel stories and videos that offer handy tips on this, that and the other. Mostly, booze, though. Great writing can be found here, my friends. Very much worth checking out.

Again, the blog is Bar Science. Get over there, pronto and drink one or two or ten for me.

Well folks, that's all I got for now. I'm barely slipping this post in under my self-imposed deadline. Take care, everyone and don't do anything I wouldn't do! tee hee

Stuff Is Messed Up and My Hands Are, Too

Whether you care for the music of The Offspring or not, you'll have to agree with the message of the lyrics of this song- of which I've provided below the humorous video.

In case you're wondering why I've been putting up so many video posts lately and slacking off with posting new stuff, in general... It's because my hands are "messed up"- my fingers, in particular. I've got these little goddamn blisters on my fingertips from something called Dyshidrotic Eczema. It hurts like fuck to type.

Moving on, I went to the doctor today, for my quarterly glucose testing appointment (for my diabetes), where four vials of blood are sucked out of my hand (not my arm, since they can never find a visible vein there). Anyway, while I was there, I showed him/told him all of my recent maladies which included the tumor on my foot, the rash on my belly and legs and the fact I can't get it up anymore unless I stretch the fucker out and use a goddamn skin splint. Tasty pain! Zippity-Yippity. And if you're thinking I actually use a skin splint on my pecker, you're a goddamn idiot.

So many different little side effects from having diabetes and high blood pressure, so little time on Earth to enjoy them all.

Now, bear in mind, I'm trying to explain all of my latest problems while my blood sugar reading is at 61. I tested my blood before going to the doctor today after taking my pill and plunging a syringe full of insulin into my rashy belly. 61. That's a horribly low reading. A blood sugar reading of 61 causes you to be quite fuzzy in the brain to the point where your speech is slurred and you forget shit and stand a good chance of hitting the floor face first. Luckily, the last one didn't happen.

The reason I had a reading of 61 was because I have to fast for 8-12 hours before glucose testing at the doctor's office, besides having to take my 8 different pills and insulin, in order for them to get an accurate reading. I hate having to explain all of this to you lucky non-diabetic fuckers out there but I will... because, of course, I care a lot.

Even though I didn't fall face first during the doctor visit, I did try to squeeze out a fart waiting for the doctor to come in and accidentally squirt some milk-chocolaty looking shit in my underwear. Do I have good times or what? But it didn't end there. After taking off my shoe and sock for the doctor and explaining all the skin crap going on with me, he walks out and comes back in with a little baggie of hard-on pills and several prescriptions for my skin ailments. After that, I go into the bathroom to clean out my undies and an old fat guy walks in.

He shouts, "Oh! Oh! Oh My!"

I say, "What the fuck?"

He leaves promptly. Yes, that's right. I forgot to lock the goddamn, fucking door.

Why? Because I can not think properly with a blood sugar reading of 61, you lucky non-diabetic fuckers!

I say this with much love, respect and shit. Enjoy the video. My fingers are bleeding.

hooray

all rights to offspring

lyrics:
Now, I don't know and its hard to explain, but it seems like things are just kind of insane because the world is crying but nobodys listening so please leave a message on my cell phone

I see bullets getting better Biblical weather
And the guy on T.V. is like a total asshole
What are you wearing tonight?
Celebrity fundraiser tight Blackties making wrongs right How's your social bandaid?

I don't know much
I don't know too much
But I know this
Shit is fucked up
La, La, La La, La
I guess it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La
I'm telling you
Shit is fucked up

La, La, La La, La
You know it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La

Now thank God for the media
For saving the day
Puting it all into perspective in a responsible way
With more celebrity news Typical bullshit views
I think we're losing this fight sponsored by Bud Light

Now we're rockin' the casbah
And taking the flack
The genie's out of the bottle
And we can't put him back (put him back)
All this stuff
It's overwhelming my brain
Can't you see the storm coming
It's coming this way

And I don't know much
I don't know too much
But I know this
Shit is fucked up

La, La, La La, La
I guess it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La
I'm telling you
Shit is fucked up

La, La, La La, La
You know it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La Justify the means

Shopping Sprees, RPG's
Ecstasy
Atrophy
Genocide
Pimp my ride
Politize
Euphemize
Injustice everywhere
Apathy
I don't care
Hurricanes
Climate change
Huh!

Therapy, I won't tell
Rehab and LOL
Worldwide calamity
TV Reality
Euthanize, supersize
Death squads and boob jobs
VIP infamy
Gratify instantly

I dont know much
I dont know too much
I dont know much
I dont know too much

La, La, La La, La
I guess its all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La
I'm telling you
Shit is fucked up

La, La, La La, La
You know it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La
The means, the means

Why Do People Have A Problem With Health Care Reform?

The Health Care Reform Bill will ensure that low income U.S. citizens and small businesses, alike, will be able to afford health care. This would be great, for many reasons, if and when it ever passes approval from fat and wealthy politicains. It means anyone unable to receive medical attention because they could not afford it due to being unemployed, not earning enough money or their job doesn't carry health insurance -they won't have to worry about the added problem of not having health insurance.

In other words, when and if some poor woman is cooking herself a meal of Ramen noodles in the kitchen and her uterus just so happens to fall out onto the linoleum floor, without notice -if she has government health insurance- she will be able to afford having her uterus pushed back inside by a doctor -instead of her five year old son, who only moments ago was cheerfully playing with his puppy dog and not being screamed at by his mother with instructions to gather up her dragging uterus and hurriedly jam the whole bulging thing back into her woo hoo, thus scarring the boy for the rest of his life with images that will force him to fear women's vaginas as if they were uterus vomiting monsters.

And yes, that really is a stuffed toy uterus, meant for children, on the upper left corner, complete with fallopian tube arms and soft little nubbins the manufacturers call the ovaries.

As I've pointed out so many times before, people will sell anything and people will buy anything.

Back to the point of this post: I don't see why health care reform has been turned into a political power struggle for Democrats and Republicans. This is something our country desperately needs. Everyone deserves health care and it is inhumane to withhold something so vital to everyone. There are people in this country that constantly have to choose between putting food on the table or receiving medications or undergoing much needed medical treatment -such as surgery, medications, therapies and doctor visits.

Almost every country in this world, industrialized or not, has some sort of health care system, provided by their government. Why can't we get our act together in this country? Too busy policing other nations? Too busy getting fat and wealthy while the other half of the world dies in poverty? Too many Republicans using fear tactics, as usual, to sway an illiterate nation into whatever insane idea is being repeatedly drilled into our gullible minds?

Hey, it worked for George Bush. How many excuses and outright lies did he use to go to war in the Middle East? Weapons of mass destruction, anyone? And we, along with other participating nations, are still paying the price with soldiers' lives and destroyed relationships and the destroyed mental health of soldiers who survive.

And with this health care reform, anyone can still opt to pick their own health care insurance. The government provided health insurance plan isn't being forced down anyone's throats. It's there for those who can't afford it. I can't make it any clearer than that. I think if anyone that actively goes against this needs their brain examined. And if they don't have health insurance, they can consider themselves fucked because many doctors will refuse to look at their mentally impaired brain if they don't have health insurance.

Feeding America, the nations largest domestic hunger-relief charity, provides a quadrennial comprehensive study of domestic hunger called "Hunger in America 2010". The data from this study showed the following truths:

• More than 35 percent of adult clients report having to choose between health care and food in the past year.
• There has been a 60 percent increase, over four years, in the number of adult clients who report that they or another household member has no health insurance.
• Almost half of our adult clients report that they or a household member has unpaid medical bills.
• One in three adult clients report that someone in their household is in "poor health."
• One in 10 adult clients report that they have been refused medical care in the past year because they couldn't afford it.

That last point is the one that bothers me the most. 1 in 10 people don't have health insurance. That's a disgusting legacy or condition for a nation that is supposedly a major leader in the world today. It isn't socialism, as Republicans often cry out, to have the ability to see a doctor or have a much need operation performed because you have health care insurance, whether it's government sponsored or not. Like having the right to be given an attorney to represent you during a court hearing, everyone should have the right to have health care insurance.

No one should be in the position to have to decide whether you will have your electric bill paid or your kids fed at the table or a life disease disease or condition being treated in any given month(s). In my opinion, that is an inhuman condition and should not be allowed and those who would oppose Health Care Reform are fucking monsters.

Fortune Cookie Among Other Things

My wife had an endoscopy procedure done on her at the hospital, yesterday. Endoscopy procedure, you ask? You know. Tube down the throat with a camera or something that takes images of your throat and stomach. Her doctor wanted her to to have it done because he found blood in her stool. A colonoscopy (camera tube up the poop chute procedure) was done a few months ago and they found out she had a hemorrhoid that was bleeding. No cancer was found but they wanted to do the endoscopy later, anyway, to "be on the safe side". So, reluctantly, to "be on the safe side" I told her she might as well have that done, too though I felt the doctors were wanting to do something unnecessary for extra money or whatever. She didn't really want to have it done, either. We both felt the mystery of the bloody turd was found with the bloody 'roid. And really, if the doctor had just done a bit of poking around down there with just his finger, he could have found it on his own.

I recall, fondly, having a hemorrhoid checked out and my doctor said it looked like a little head of cauliflower sticking out of my asshole. I thought, how sweet. I've got "vegetable ass". My wife was in the examination room and she said it resembled a pink bud, just beginning to bloom. Good thing I was in one of my usual I-don't-give-a-shit moods. I chuckled to myself, with my ass hanging over the metal table, wishing I could cut a nice big fat fart on the both of them. I think they thought I was laughing because of their descriptions.

So they do the endoscopy and the doctor found she has a polyp in her stomach but it looks benign. Nothing cancerous or suspicious looking. Great news!

Four weeks from now, they want to discuss what, if anything, they want to do about that polyp. More medical bills. They're really racking up with my own health visits, procedures and medicines. You'll have to read my earlier posts if you want to know more about that.

After the endoscopy ends, with the whole thing lasting about 3 hours (waiting before the procedure, IV stuck in her arm, paperwork, tube down the throat and her coming out of it and so on), my wife is all doped up on Demerol and some other pain medication. We talk. An hour goes by. We leave, her hand in mine and proceed to our favorite Chinese restaurant. She had fasted close to fourteen or fifteen hours and was starved.

After downing four plates of food each (I know. I'm on a diet but I worked it off the next day. Promise.), the petite Chinese waitress comes over with the bill and a couple of fortune cookies. I eat them both. My wife hates them. The first one has a message that says something like "The sun rises in the morning sky like a hot air balloon". Is that supposed to be a fortune? The second paper from the other one reads:

Others appreciate your sensitivity

I know. It's funny because I'm a bastard. On the other side of the paper it reads:

Learn Chinese- Disease

Then, underneath that, it reads: (bing)

That's when I get up to take a monster shit. Pinching my cheeks together so hard you couldn't fit a credit card in my crack (at least not with that cauliflower in the way), I wobble my way to the restroom. Their toilet is cold, the room is cold and the seat is always wobbly. It's most likely that way because too many four and five plate eating bastards have been plopping their giant redneck white asses on it and causing it to become unhinged from the toilet. Just a guess.

After we get home, we plop into bed, with bellies straining to digest the multitudes of those dumpling things, sushi, peanut butter chicken and god knows what else.

Was that a happy ending or what? Wasn't it worth getting this far down? And haven't we all learned a great deal from this tale?