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Monday, February 14, 2011

Shat The Snowwombat

Before you is a tale of enchantment, whimsy, hope, love and a gathering of woodland creatures, geared towards making you feel all warm and juicy inside. Feel the wonder! Delight in the magic! Behold the bliss-inducing imagery and joy that will surely fill your heart!


when Shat The Snowwombat came upon a gathering of animals. The animals looked at Shat with shock because he was made almost entirely of snow, yet his penis was made of wood. Well... that and he appeared to be more than a bit handicapped looking to the critters of the forest. The woodland wildlife quickly noticed he was shuffling along the snowy grounds with a walking stick in his grip. Shat had been badly injured during an ice hockey game years before and, as a result, found it difficult to get about. This day was the first time he had been out of his snowwombat home in years, braving the adventure of the wilderness. For Shat, this was an act of personal triumph.

But that personal triumph didn't matter to the deer, the squirrels or the rest of the animals. They all laughed at poor Shat. Shat asked the animals, "Why are all of you laughing at me?" The animals shook their heads and began laughing considerably louder. One of the deer turned his gaze away from Shat, in disgust, as if he were an abomination.

The squirrel suddenly shouted, "You're a freak! That's why we're laughing at you!"

Shat's wooden penis pointed downward. When this happened, you could tell he was sad. :(

A fox by the name of Rascal suddenly ran up behind the snowwombat and placed a human's discarded drink container on top of Shat's head. Then he ran back to the mob of animals and joined in their relentless mocking of the creature made of snow.

Rascal the fox exclaimed, "Look everyone! It's King Weirdo and he's wearing his crown!"

Shat cried at the taunting and laughing beasts that began to surround him. This constant mocking of the animals, because he was different, caused Shat to become so depressed, his wooden penis slipped away from between his legs and fell off into the snow. The animals poked and prodded him until he turned around and started the long journey back home.

Before Shat could shuffle across the road into the other side of the forest, a vehicle full of humans came by. Shat called out to them and said, "Please give me a lift. I am afraid I will not make it back to my home before I expire."

The humans were a little afraid of the snowwombat at first. They couldn't believe this "thing" was moving toward them. In fact, Shelly, the attractive blonde in the passenger seat of the car, pissed her panties, in fright. The husband, Jack, asked Shelly, "What the hell is that?" The baby in the back seat began wailing. Shelly said, "I don't know and I don't care. I just want to get the hell out of here. That thing is freakin' me the hell out."

Jack and Shelly had been married only five years and had produced five kids in that space of time. The baby in the back seat was the latest addition. Their other kids were dropped off at one of their parent's houses where the kids would besiege and harass the suffering grandparents all day long. This was a strange and cruel custom practiced by humans quite frequently. Adult humans would often take advantage of their parents by asking them to babysit their offspring for them, promising to be back in a few hours, while they went off to a land far, far away for a bit of serenity or to a hotel to fuck and create more rugrats for the suffering grandparents to take care of in the future. The parents wouldn't be back to retrieve their youngsters until the next day or the next month.

This is how Shelly looked before she had kids.

Humans were very proficient at creating more and more offspring, regardless of the consequences. With that said, even Jack and Shelly agreed this last addition to the family was enough, finally.

After the last baby was pushed out of Shelly's well worn vagina, Jack was thoughtful enough to go down to the hospital gift shop to buy Shelly a lovely card and a festive, colorful balloon that said CONGRATS in big bold lettering. Shelly was overwhelmed when the proud poppa kissed her on the cheek and gave her the gifts.

And this was the card.

Now, curiosity had gotten the best of Jack and he decided to get out of the car to see what the unfamiliar creature was. Shelly begged him to stop and to get back into the car. Jack waved Shelly's concern away and walked toward Shat the snowwombat. Shat was only a few feet away from Jack when he said, "Don't be afraid. Just because I look different from others doesn't mean I will harm you."

Jack's jaw went slack. He was frozen in place and found it difficult to understand that this thing of snow could speak. He wondered, Am I having an acid flashback?

Then Shat, in his attempt to quell Jack's shock and fear, told Jack a joke.

Shat said, "An Alpaca went into a bar, ya see, and as it was sitting on the stool the Pope comes in and sits down at the bar counter beside him. The Alpaca turns his head and says to the Roman Catholic Holy Father, 'Hey, what's that place called- that you hang out at?' The Pope answers, 'That would be the Vatican, my son.' The Alpaca inquired, after smirking, 'Is that the Vatican or the Vati-can't?' Then the Alpaca rears his head back and laughs. The bartender shakes his head at the lame joke. Furious, the Pope jumps down off his bar stool and punches the Alpaca in the face, knocking him out and then proceeds to fuck it hard in the ass until the animal bleeds to death on the bar room floor."

After hearing the joke, Jack becomes enraged and exclaims, "You bastard! I'm Catholic and I know for a fact the Pope couldn't have fucked the Alpaca in the ass and made it bleed to death! The Pope's penis is only two and one quarter inches in length and I oughta know. I've made several booty calls to the Vatican in my day and have sucked The Holy Father's all powerful and almighty blessed skin flute in many a night."

Shat wasn't sure what to say. It seemed his attempt to "break the ice" with the human somehow failed and that the man was acting irrationally. Jack glared at the snowwombat and accused him by saying, "Only a demonic being would make such jokes at the Pope's expense."

Jack walked toward Shat, intent on destroying him.

Suddenly, Shat's fairy godmother appeared from nowhere and stopped time. Both Shat and the magical woman were in a dark place, quiet and free of turmoil.

"My name is Labia Minora and I am your fairy godmother," the wondrous woman stated.

Shat said, "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever beheld in my gaze."

The fairy godmother said, "I know. I get that a lot." Which she followed with a little giggle.

"Now, Shat, I've noticed you've been having a bit of difficulty trying to bond with the woodland creatures and the humans," said Labia Minora, quite exuberantly. She asked, "If there were anything you would wish for, what would that be, my dear one?"

Shat thought about it for a moment and told her what that one wish would be.


After the magical meeting with his fairy godmother had ended, Shat found himself in the exact spot that he had initially met her.

Now Jack and the rest of the beasties of the forest converged upon Shat, ready to tear him apart because he was different and things that he had said.

Pleadingly, Shat the snowwombat cried out, "Please, stay away from me!"

They cared not for Shat's cries of anguish and instead, seemed even more eager to pounce upon him.

With a wave of his walking stick, Shat warned, "I told you to keep at bay!"

Suddenly, a blue mystical bolt flew out the end of Shat's walking stick. This resulted in Jack being turned into a human icicle, buried inside the frozen ground to his chest. The animals were astonished. Shelly grabbed her baby and ran out toward her frozen husband.

Standing next to her thoughtful husband and seeing what Shat had done, Shelly looked at the snowwombat and said, "I'm going to kill you, you freaky little monster."

Shat, frightened, waved his magic stick wand again and turned Shelly into a Snickers candy-loving monster.

The baby was dropped to it's feet as the mother roared like a ferocious jungle beast and ran off towards town, in search of the particular candy made by Mars, Incorporated.

Angry at what Shat had turned his mother into and, more importantly, the fact that he wanted to get some titty milk and she had left with her tits, the baby let out a growl and ran on his little hands and knees, menacingly, toward Shat.

Shat waved his wand again, turning the baby into an odd human/unicorn/clown hybrid and transported him to a carnival sideshow.

Turning toward the angry mob of wilderness animals, Shat waved his wand many more times, causing as much chaos and abominations to appear as he felt the pain in his heart and soul.

The animal who first threw hurtful insult at him, the squirrel, was abruptly frozen, completely and transported to a far away city to lay on top of a cigarette butt waste can like a gruesome decoration.

One of the deer that had mocked him earlier felt a sudden cold draft around his rear end. When he looked back, he found that his butt had been sliced off and his blood and guts were pumping out onto the snow covered ground. Then the deer dropped dead. Where was his butt? Shat had magically transported it to the outside wall of a human's house. The deer's butt hole was turned into a doorbell.
When Shat was finished working his wonders with his magic wand, the snowwombat felt an overwhelming joy fill his heart. Happy with himself once again, Shat shuffled his way back home and turned the cave in which he had lived, into a beautiful fairy land type of castle.

And this, my friends, is where our enchanting story comes to an inspiring close.


LilPixi said...

I..... just laughed so damn hard.
These stories are freaking epic madness!!
I'm giving a clapping, standing ovation for how much I just laughed.

Shat sure fn triumphed in the end. All as it should be.

Happy Valentine's Day, Kelly!!

Kelly said...

LilPixi- Lol. Glad you liked it. I hope you laughed so hard that snot came burbling out of your nose and you shat your pants, simultaneously.

I can picture you applauding me. Now you must picture me taking a bow and cutting a fart at the same time.

All the Shats in this world should triumph. :) Happy Valentine's Day to you, as well, LilPixi!

THE SNEE said...

Hi Kelly! Your imagination is soaring! Wombat gone wild! Spring is definitely in the air. The deerbell did me in!

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- Tee hee. Sometimes, I never know where the story is going to take me. Shat has been loosed upon the world, avenging the bullied and the different. Spring is, indeed, in the air and I hope it stays that way until Spring officially gets here. Glad you enjoyed the story and the deerbell. You don't want to push too hard on the deerbell button or you'll get a bad case of "chocolate finger". :-)

Gorilla Bananas said...

Alas poor Shelley! The quality of your writing makes my heart bleed for that fine fertile woman who dedicated her uterus to the perpetuation of humanity. What a contrast with the smug, vain "Fairy Godmother", involved in the proliferation of deadly weapons. It can't be long before Shat, drunk with power, uses his stick against her.

bazza said...

We know where the snowombat came from, don't we Kelly?
Fantastic flight of imagination!
Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

Greg said...

Great, creative story...You are one creative sob, and I mean that in the most complimentary of ways!

Now why can't I have a fairy godmother like, Labia Minora. Oh what I would do with Shat's magic wand...Many wouldland creatures and humans would feel my wrath!

klahanie said...

Hi Kelly,
Well there certainly was a lot of 'Shat' in this epic, epic posting with perfectly presented pictorials.
You've really soared away with this one Kelly. Maybe the reindeer piss I sent you had the desired outcome :-)
I also note that you posted up one of your 'real' Farcebook, Fartbook profile pictures on here, to give it the personal touch, my 'clown-faced' friend :-)
And the door bell or deer bell, just made my already perfect day, just that little bit more perfecter! Just going to get the 'wee folks' to have a read of this.
Wonder what they will make of a human writing whilst under the influence of reindeer pee! :-)
Take care dude and dammit, keep smiling......

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- If I were Shat, my wish would have been to fuck the fairy godmother and have some peace around these here parts. Oh yes, indeedy. And ya know...that would be fun watching Shat use his 'stick' against, inside her, on her forehead... wherever. Ya gotta think of these things.

Kelly said...

bazza- Yes, we do, my ol' friend Bazza... yes, we do... heh. I put a link on the word SNOWWOMBAT, kind of in hopes people would click on link, if they didn't go to my photo blog, Pics For Kicks, to see "Shat" first there. I thought that was an interesting idea at the time.

Thanks for enjoying my imagination. Not to worry... I still have a few more tricks up my sleeve.

Kelly said...

Greg- Thanks for saying I'm a creative sonafabith. Great compliment, for real, man. And I take great pride in that. In fact, I want that to be on my tombstone.

Here Lies Kelly
He was a creative S.O.B

That would be pretty sweet. Heh heh. I'd be pissing people off to the end.

You sound like you'd cause real trouble with that magic wand. Woo hoo. I'm here ya on nailing the fairy godmother. :-)

Kelly said...

klahanie- '...a lot of 'Shat' in this epic, epic posting...' LOL. Yes, I tried stuffing in as much Shat into the 'bowl' that I could before I CAME OUT with this epic tale. No, you'd think it would have been the 'reindeer piss' you so generously sent, but I think it was the fact I got to be out in the sun and the weather outside was warm enough to enjoy this weekend. It turned our frowns upside down. I was gettin' turned on by the ice thawing out. So much was I getting excited... I almost spurted in my jeans. Shhh... Don't tell anyone. :-)

Yeah, the fartbook profile pic I sent to you was kind of like a "preview" type deal. lol.

Glad you liked the story and the pics, man. I tried just so darned hard to make it all Valentinyesh and stuff. Hope it came through. hee. Take care, Gary.

Kelly said...

P.S. And by "bowl" I mean toilet bowl.

MartyrMom said...

you are a KOOK!! but I love it!!

Labia Minora good use!SOOOO Funny!

Kelly said...

MarytrMom- lol. Thanks, MM. I thought the name (and part of the female coochie) Labia Minora sounded exotic and mysterious at the time. Take care.

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