This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Chocolate Pudding And A Slider

The other day, the wife and I were sitting at the new Chinese buffet restaurant in our redneck community, eating, talking and laughing about something I was reminiscing about. I'll get to that story in a second.

After a half hour of us gorging on crab legs and General Tso's Chicken and so on, a family of white trash comes in and plops their big fat redneck asses in the booth behind us. Why they sat behind us when there was no one else in the restaurant is beyond me. Maybe they wanted to flaunt the intellectual conversation they would be engaging in. After eating for a few minutes, they started rambling about what they were eating and how it wasn't that great. In fact, the food is great there. It's just that the hillbillies in our small strung together towns can't handle anything beside plain old meat and potatoes. My wife and I could hear them, quite easily, because they were so loud. I think they wanted the workers and management there to hear what they were gabbing about.

From that topic, they leaped to another kind of conversation....

One of the family members, the oldest dude, said to no one in particular, "You know, the craziest thing I ever had to eat was a White Castle hamburger out of Jennifer's coochie."

I have no idea if 'Jennifer' was at their table at the time but I heard a distinct female giggle following his statement of personal culinary triumph.

My wife heard them and stared behind me, at the guy saying it. She began to laugh. I did, too. I whispered to her, "I guess that's why they call those hamburgers 'sliders'."

I thought what he said was also funny because only minutes before they came in, I was watching my wife eat a tiny bowl of Tapioca pudding. I like Tapioca pudding, don't get me wrong, but to me it looks like sperm. I told her that it looked like a big blob of jizz and she laughed and said, "Yum." She gets my depraved sense of humor and we've been together for over 21 years. In other words, we've said just about every crazy thing you can say to another person and still know it's cool or acceptable.

Anyway, the sight of pudding got me to thinking about the experimental days I had with old girlfriends. Because of one experience I had with one girlfriend, I had trouble eating chocolate pudding for awhile.

Decades ago...

I got the idea to use chocolate pudding on my girlfriend's vagina. As I filled a bit too much chocolate pudding into her twat, she wriggled around on a bed, expressing her enjoyment. Soon enough, I was down between her thighs, eating her pussy. She moaned and groaned and I was getting into it pretty well. But the chocolate pudding was getting everywhere, man. The sheets. My face. Her butt cheeks. But I didn't care. I was a man with a mission. Even if I couldn't tell what was where because of the vast amounts of pudding covering the whole area, I was going to get to the bottom of things.

Soon enough, she was really going crazy and giggling, like I was tickling her or something. Then I was realizing I was tasting something different other than pussy and pudding. I found out, the hard way, that my tongue had slipped into her butt hole. I tasted a distinct hint of poop juice. My brain lit up in shock and fear and I promptly got up from the bed. She said, "I really liked it when you licked my anus. But it kind of tickled.' I stuttered, saying, "But... But I didn't know I was... licking your asshole. I... I couldn't tell because of all the pudding."

And then I screamed.

She said it was okay because she had wiped her ass really good after her last dump. This attempt at consolation failed to console me and I vowed to never use chocolate pudding as part of my sexual experimentation again. Unless, it was to be put on my hardened cock and slurped off by a sexy young woman. Which, actually, that very thing happened later on in life.

I just stuck my prick in a bowl of chocolate pudding, pulled it out and she gobbled away on it like it was a chocolate covered banana. I provided the homemade whipped cream, of course.

Enjoy your desserts!


bazza said...

Funnily enough Kelly, I predicted the final outcome of that story.
I was thinking, "Oh no, but what if....." and she did! Yuk.

Gucci Mama said...

Ah, that was the loudest I've laughed in a long time.

klahanie said...

Hi Kelly,
And hello bazza and I can hear you laughing Stephanie....
Geez Kelly, thanks for the graphic details. I thought it was going to be a shit ending but the cream always rises to the top.
I'm not sure if I will ever look at chocolate pudding or banana splits in quite the same way, ever again.
Right then, I'm off for a Wendy's hot and juicy.
Have a gooey weekend.

Donda said...

2 things:

You gotta be a real fatass to need a crave case as enticement!

You better go tell Bill Cosby that shit. Thanks a real lot, now that thought will be in my head every time I pack my kids' lunches.


The Random Blogette said...

I seriously think that I vomitted in my mouth a bit. I actually had a guy that I used to screw that enjoyed tonguing my 2 slot and I found it repulsive! I don't even understand the enjoyment in that. It makes me shudder just to think of it.

Sir Tom Eagerly said...

To think that I visit this site for it's refined good taste.
I say Kelly old thing, you are awful!

The Wolf said...

So you had a little taste of the hershey highway eh. I hope you didn't find any corn down there.

On a slighty more serious note that was fucking funny as hell, I feel you're pain though I probably would have went into shock if that was me

Kelly said...

bazza- Lol. Yeah, I kinda figured some folks would be able to see the end before getting there. Anyone checking out my kind of humor and/or my past posts would be able to. Still, it was a fun ol' ride, wasn't it?*


Kelly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kelly said...

Gucci Mama- Glad you enjoyed my shit tasting experience. :)

Kelly said...

klahanie- Ah, Gary... You're certainly welcome on the graphic details. I aims to please, ya know. And yep, in that last episode, my cream did rise to the top. SPURT.

Glad I could alter your outlook on certain desserts. lol.

Enjoy Wendy's hot and juicy. And don't forget to lick the "cheese" dribbling out from the sides of her meat. Take care.

Kelly said...

Donda- Don't forget to pack the pudding. :)

Kelly said...

The Random Blogette- Sorry 'bout the puke in your mouth. I agree, what kind of sick deviant enjoy's licking out anyone's poop chute?

Maybe the tongue of the guy you used to screw was fucked up and he couldn't taste anything anymore. Maybe you could have blindfolded him, put a turd in a bowl, told him it was butter pecan ice cream, let him eat it and have some laughs at his expense.

Just a thought.

Kelly said...

Sir Tom Eagerly- If you're looking for refinement and good taste heaven... you found it, brother. Have a dandy day!

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Just an ear of it, dude. And it was already pre-buttered. Mmmm. I also found black-eyed peas and cornbread.

Thanks for the 'funny' comment. If the same thing were to happen to me these days, I would have gone into shock- no problem.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Wiping doesn't cut it you want someone to slurp your anus, she should have douched.

One of The Guys said...

Works for me. Funny dude!

Does your wife read your blog??!!

What's up with the trashy people in the world. And I mean people who are so close minded. It's sad.

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- Yeah, she should have douched her anus, man. Even if she didn't know I was gonna give her poop hole a French kiss.

But, that's womenfolk for ya! lol.

Kelly said...

One of The Guys- Glad ya liked it. No, my wife doesn't read my blog. She doesn't like reading much of anything so I take no offense. But she does like it when I sometimes read her a blog post. The kind of sweet and charming bedtime story this is.

You got me about the narrow-minded in this world. I try not to mingle with the backwards people around here but I'm surrounded by them.

Dark Slander said...

I believe it was once said in a movie "Sometimes it is okay to go ass to mouth.." I'm pretty sure it was one of Kevin Smith's films...

He'd like that story.

It was pretty funny though, I've had some aiming mishaps in my past... but never with a tongue. I'll keep this in mind for future reference... and I'll probably never fill a pink taco with pudding now...

Thanks for ruining that dream, Pal.

Brown definitely isn't a good color..

Static said...

I think I just threw up a lil in my mouth.

klahanie said...

Dude, I know it's a bit after the fact, but next time, if there is a next time, may I suggest you use vanilla pudding or even banana pudding. No doubt, your buddy, Gorilla Bananas, friend of Magilla, would be well excited over banana pudding....

Anonymous said...

Kelly, my man...! I haven't been over in a while, my god, I've missed you!

Chocolate pudding, vanilla pudding, a mixture of pudding... it's what makes the world go round! How boring life would be if we all thought the same way!


One of The Guys said...

Hope you're having a good weekend Kelly.

Kelly said...

Dark Slander- Ah, Kevin smith. I enjoy his movies, yes I do. He can be pretty wise. And I'm bettin' he would like this story. Maybe I should sell it to Hollywood.

Have your aiming mishaps perhaps involved your dicky bird hitting the wrong hole-lee-ooohhh???

Your welcome!

Kelly said...

Static- Glad I could inspire that vomit milkshake to bubble and churn in your mouth. :)

Kelly said...

klahanie- Hey Gary... Or better yet... just stick to sticking my banana into her cheery pie and making a split.

I'm bettin' that Gorilla Bananas is excited by that kind of pudding. I'll have to ask him about that. :)


Kelly said... Ah, Penny... I've missed you here, too. Come by anytime you're not writing your soft porn master-pieces for your site. Heh heh... Notice my crafty play on words?

I agree. People thinking the same way is just plain bad news and the whole goddamn world would be a very boring-as-fuck place if we were all thinking of the same shit.

Take care, lady!

Kelly said...

One of The Guys- I wish I could say the weekend has been but it hasn't. Family craziness and hurt feelings abound all around during these move-dad's- junk-out-of-his-house-fiesta-days.

He's being his usual asshole self and it's been a royal bitch when it doesn't have to be.

Emotional and physical draining fun for no one, I'm afraid. Hope you're having a better time that I am. Take care, man. Seriously.

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