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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Krampus- Santa's Sidekick

I remember when I was a kid and this evil looking thing with horns on it's head busted down the bedroom door and snatched me by the scrawny neck, looked me in the eyes and said, "You're going to take my place one day."

Then he threw his ghastly head back and let out a long howl, quickly followed by sinister laughter.

My dog, Sparky, came into the room and began gnawing on the demonic dude's ankle.  I suppose Sparky was defending me, in his mind.  Krampus calmly bent down, picked Sparky up by the scruff of his neck and said, "I'm gonna shit on your head," quite matter-of-factly.

As promised, Krampus took good ol' Sparky to the bathroom, plopped him in the bathtub and took a big healthy demonic dump on his furry lil head.  Sparky shook the steaming turds off his noggin, yelped and ran out the door.  It turns out that demon shit smells like a mix of honeysuckle and pinewood.  But it still looks like regular shit.  Except for the half-digested human head or two.

Meanwhile, I listened to Krampus' footsteps as he went downstairs and opened the refrigerator door.  Deeply exhausted from a busy day of playing Kick The Retarded Boy Across The Street, I fell fast asleep again.  I came to find out the morning after, that he had made himself a sandwich, before leaving the house and judging from the looks of things, he preferred the corned beef over turkey.  I thought that was a good choice.
Sharing a laugh with good ol', jolly ol' St. Nick.  It makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Had I known back then that I was dealing with a Krampus, I guess I would have been a bit more frightened.  But he seemed like an honest, straight-forward guy that really knew who he was in life and was okay with that.  I always say, The one who deludes himself in life is one of the biggest fools of all.  I know I'm certainly not the first to say something like that.  I've read of that same general idea here and there and you likely have, as well.

In any case, I have this info about Krampus, a mythical creature that has it's roots in German folklore, I'd like to share.  One of my sources is from Wikipedia.  The other is from the video description on YouTube.

Krampus is Santa Claus' whip-toting Christmas sidekick.  According to legend, Krampus joins Santa where he tends to the children on Santa's naughty list.  Krampus whips the children into shape with his whips  or carries them off in his sack.

The early Catholic Church discouraged celebrations based around the wild goat-like creatures and during the Inquisition, efforts were made to stop the celebrations, completely.  However, Krampus figures persisted and by the 17th century Krampus had been incorporated into Christian winter celebrations by pairing him with St. Nicholas.

As fascinating as those last two paragraphs were, I like this video, below, better.

I can't believe that's Anthony Bourdain of the show, Anthony Bourdain- No Reservations and his Layover show.  I like Anthony Bourdain and his No Reservations show (he cooked with Christopher Walken, one of my favorite actors, just recently) but he carries a fairly snarky or cynical tone when he speaks.  In this video, the voice narration conveys a congenial or happy mood while the story is being told.

Go figure.    


The Angry Lurker said...

I met the Krampus a lot during my childhood.....

Pickleope said...

Krampus sounds more like the menstruation demon than anything having to do with Christmas.
Also, I know everyone loves Anthony Bourdain, but I just can't take a dude over 40 who sports a single earring. It's him and Harrison Ford. If he shed the earring like any other self-respecting adult who made it out of the 90's without snorting bales of cocaine, I might join the Bourdain train.

Kelly said...

The Angry Lurker- I bet you did. I can see you on Santa's naughty list. :)

Kelly said...

Pickleope- Ah... Krampus and the cramps. I see. :) It could be that Krampus is always so nasty because he has cramps. Maybe Krampus is a hermaphrodite demon, able to bleed from the coochie like a lady and piss out of his wiener like a gentleman.

I didn't know EVERYONE loved Anthony Bourdain. lol. The single earring thing really doesn't bother me much. I like his honesty and humor in his shows, though.

bazza said...

I never heard of Anthony Bourdain; we don't get that programme in the UK (and that's how we spell 'programme'!)
I do really love 'Man v. Food' - it's gross and highly watchable at the same time!
Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

G said...

He sounds a lot like Black Peter...probably a mythical alias to avoid problems with the police and having a list of naughty children

Anonymous said...

I shoulda known Krampus and Santa were in kahoots!!! I bet Santa just hands over his Naughty List each year in exchange for Reindeer Steroids.

Yep. I got it all figured out now!

I've missed you Kelly!!

dcrelief said...

Outrageous, but seriously so, so, realistic... I suddenly have this urge to find a little dog!!!

Kelly said...

bazza- Yeah, you guys spell PROGRAM, differently. Not to mention a lot of other words. But, as they say, it's all good in the neighbour(notice how I put the "U" in there just for you)hood. Hahaha. Just kidding.

I like the show, Man Vs. Food, too. Unfortunately, nowadays, Adam seems to be letting everyone else do the work with his "gorging on food" contests with his new show, Man Vs. Food Nation. I liked it better when he was the only one stuffing himself until he upchucked.

Anthony Bourdain is on the Travel Channel. The Travel Channel is a channel I think you would really be into if you could get it there. They show beautiful scenes from locations all around the world and talk about different cultures.

Kelly said...

G- Black Peter? Is that the title for a porn film? lol. Just kidding. I'll have to check out this 'Black Peter' to see what he's all about. Wait. That didn't sound right. :)

Kelly said...

Lil Dreamer- Ya know... I think you're right about that. He might even trade the naughty list with Krampus for some elf crack. I bet Santa really likes getting into some elf crack. Wait. That didn't sound right, did it? :)

I've missed you, too, Lil Dreamer. I'm glad you stopped by to comment.

Kelly said...

dcrelief- Agreed. It is all outrageous. I plan on boycotting jolly ol' Santa this year and protesting his naughty behavior. His secret dealings with this Krampus character leaves a bad fruit cake like taste in my mouth.

Make sure you find the correct sized antlers for your little dog! You don't want him to be embarrassed in front of the other little dogs. :)

klahanie said...

Kelly and Krampus,

I'm gonna' keep this here comment mercifully short Send over that Santa sidekick. Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar, has been saving up a whole lot of stinking shit in her cute lil' ol' tummy. Not only does she have the urge to crap on Santa, but she's saving some of her best shit for Krampus!

May you and your loved ones have a peaceful, positive Boxing Day Eve....

Your starstruck fan, Gary

Kelly said...

Klahanie/Gary- Yep, that's me. Kelly and Krampus- all rolled into one delightful character.

So glad to hear your dog, the internet super sensational superstar is saving her crap for Krampus. Hooray! Maybe he'll use it to fertilize his garden next year.

Hope you had a peaceful Christmas and Boxing Day. Btw, do you have to wear boxing gloves in order to celebrate Boxing Day? I bet that makes it difficult to jerk off to porn.

Take care, Gary! I hope the upcoming new year is a peaceful one for you. I think that's the most we can hope and ask for these days during this economy.


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