This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Sorry If I've Caused Concern

By now, my old regular readers of this blog have thought me either dead, gone completely loony toons or disinterested in posting or running Psycho Carnival. Or maybe no one gave a shit.

Yeah, I know. The last post I made was in May of this year. Long time.

Too long.

I got sucked into such a downward spiral, I didn't want to check on my site or my emails or any correspondence pertaining to this site. I was depleted, emotionally.

A lot has happened to me. Both in body and spirit. For one thing, my blood glucose levels with my diabetes has soared to incredibly dangerous stratospheres.

I never posted about my mother passing away, in 2005, on this site because it was too personal and too painful. Besides, I always wanted to keep things kinda light- except when I would get on my soapbox and do one of my diatribes on society, greed or whatever. Anyway, after mom passed, things changed for the worse for me and the rest of my family. I slipped into an seemingly endless and helpless existence called major depression. I couldn't work at a job without expressing my anger in some disastrous way. My mood swings were horrible.

I would have yelling fits at myself for things I had said or done in the past. Some of these things were or are perhaps exaggerated in my mind. And sometimes, I would destroy walls or doors, in the process, with my fists. That kinda hurt. When I was doing that routine, I would have suicidal thoughts with a very calm demeanor, stagnant in my state of apathy with guilt and pain consuming me.

But I'm fighting to keep alive and to care. I can't be any good to myself or my dad, who is 68 and suffers from dementia, without fighting to get up in the morning. Plus, I'm doing more things now. Maybe, in a couple more years, I'll be close to human again. Heh heh.

That old cliche "Not out of the woods yet" applies to me quite fittingly. I still return to that kind of mind hell at least once a day. Hey, that's an improvement for me! In recent years, I felt all those negative thoughts 90% of the time.

I'll be writing more about that later. Oh boy! More cheeriness to come. Promise.

But one thing I do want to add before I go to bed.... I want to come back and post on Psycho Carnival again and regularly.

Zippity doo dah.

Oh, and I plan on checkin' out the emails that I've been avoiding, on my yahoo account, since May.


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