Sick Jokes

What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?

-- The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out

I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today I found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".

to which the second hobo replies: "Oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"

"Did you get a blow job?"

"Naw, I couldnt find her head"

An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.

The teacher says, 'Save the children!'

The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'

The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.

"You must be single." the clerk says.

Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".

"Because you're ugly".

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"

Rape isn't a laughing matter, unless it is with a clown.

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

A: Not being retarded.

Q: How many babies does it take to paint a house?

A: Depends on how hard you throw them!

Weeeee! A Versatile Blogger Award

Hooray! Another blog award! It's a time for celebration, jubilation and ejaculation, for sure. This award was given to me by The Wolf, blog author of The S.N.A.F.U. Report and Beyond The Wire, to name just a few. He received this award the other day. Thanks, Wolf, for giving it to me, as well! It's an honor. And I promise not to let it go to my head. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm a glutton for praise. Now... All must bow before me, proclaim me your god and give me your virgin womenfolk. Pronto!

And don't forget to flagellate yourselves every time you speak my good name.

Why?

Because I think it would be funny. That's why. Don't question your god!

Unfortunately, like many blog awards that are given these days, this award comes with certain rules. And I, like The Wolf, before me, will follow only the ones I feel like following. I hate goddamn rules, after all. They really get in the way of having a good time.

THE FUCKING RULES:

1. Thank those who gave you the award....Check.

2. Share seven things about yourself.... Haven't yet, but I'll do that here in a few minutes after I take a nice dump.

3. Present this to 15 other bloggers you follow... Like The Wolf, I'm gonna give it to everyone on my blogroll and for those whose buttons I have on my site... You know who you are. If you don't, take a goddamn look to your right, in case you're suffering from temporary brain damage at the moment. You're welcome.

Now, as far as me sharing 7 different things about myself, I'll try to give that one a shot. Since I don't like being redundant on sharing things I've already mentioned on my charming blog, I'm going to have to do my damnedest to come up with some new awe-inspiring info about yours truly. This may prove difficult since I believe I've exposed almost every dirty little secret about myself (except the fact I've got a hairy ass) on this website so far but here goes...

#1- I got married August 11, 1989- and I'm still married. Before that, we lived together "in sin" for a couple years. We had to try each other out, after all. Heh heh. Can you believe somebody has tolerated my delightful, bewitching self for 23 freaking years- all total? She has a ton of patience. And I'm a prick.

#2- My friends once made a list of crimes I've committed during during my lifetime and the total came to thirty-seven (no shit). A few were lame, like jaywalking, or some shit, but quite a few were not so lame. Don't ask me to detail what was on that list. I forget and it disappeared when I moved. Either that or I burned it up. lol.

#3- I played with G.I. Joe dolls (ahem... I mean action figures) and Hot Wheels cars until I was ten years old. It was either a choice of playing with those things or playing with the Hogston boys (our only neighbors) that lived down the gravel road from us or the toys I mentioned. The neighbor boys enjoyed fucking their dogs and drinking each other's pee. I think I chose wisely, myself.

#4- I wrote a poem about twenty years ago that was published in a book entitled "World Treasury of Great Poems- Volume 2". The poem I submitted was called "Runner". Here it is:

Runner

Dreams of a better plan

Can sometimes go unnoticed

Schemes of modern man

Always eager to go fast forward

Like a temperamental child

What society wants now is what we get

Fill our needs

Hand them over

Why is progress such a race?

Is quicker truly better?

Why is there 'no time to waste'?

The runner must not stumble

Why the pressure to keep

This fitful pace

To a soul-wrenching fate?

Perhaps we should stop and feel

Not let reason always rule over heart

Maybe escape those constant rules of the race

Before it tears us apart

Like an unstable world

We push caring to the sidelines

Only to get ahead-

To get further from the heart

#5- I'm not bragging or whatever but I have read and own close to 600 books on every subject you can imagine and likely not imagine. My interests are extremely varied. I began writing long stories when I was five. And I was a quiet, well behaved kid until my junior year in high school- then I got pretty wild. Started going to a lot of parties and so on. One day, during lunch break in high school, I stuck a fork in somebody's head. My wildness got a lot worse in my twenties.

#6- At a friend's bachelor party, I watched a very drunk stripper shove a dozen hard boiled eggs into her vagina and proceeded "to lay" them, carefully, one by one, into each of our big glass mugs of beer. Later, her other disappearing tricks included shoving a 21 inch bull whip and a 15 inch zucchini into her coochie. Not at the same time, mind you. For me, the demonstration was kind of educational (what she was able to take in and squeeze out of herself) and it really showed all of us guys how a woman can get such a big round thing like a baby and it's bulbous freakin' head out of her gaping twat. What a night that was. And I'm just giving you a few details. :)

#7- My flaws:

I've got a horrible temper

I'm impatient most of the time

I'm forgetful

I sometimes allow my depression to hold me down or tear me apart

I sometimes think that the good lord placed cripples and retards on this Earth to cheer us up a bit.

I'm incredibly cynical.

My penis could be bigger.

No matter how well I think I've proofread something I've written, I will invariably screw something up.

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My good qualities:

I'm highly imaginative and creative (this could be a bad thing in the wrong hands... tee hee)

I'm a great listener and I only give advice when asked (I believe it is arrogant to give unasked for advice and despise it when others try it with me).

If you are my friend, I will always be there for you and help you. If you are my enemy, you don't even fucking exist.

I am always kind to animals, unless they bite me (then they will be crushed).

I try to be a better human being. It's difficult when you're surrounded by assholes and idiots.

I'm a loving husband.

Well gang, that's really all I can think of for now. It's getting late and I have to get some sleep. Take care. Be well. And all that rot. Ha ha.

Pink Floyd

One of the best rock bands of all time. I grew up listening to these guys during the 1970's and 80's. They got me through some crazy times. For me, their music was very soothing and meaningful. Hell, I could recite and sing along to all their songs, most especially, off "The Wall" album.

Click HERE for a biography of the band. And check out the video below for one of their last live performances. The audio and visual quality is pretty damn good.

Pink Floyd- Then

Pink Floyd- Presently