Sorry If I've Caused Concern- Part 2

Like I was telling my old blog pal, Static, not long ago.....

Major depression and out-of-control diabetes is a real ass kicker. When you have extremely high blood sugar, an unfunny thing happens to occur. Your thinking becomes fucked. I couldn't concentrate on reading a post, let alone writing one up. Not that I didn't want to. I was angry and further depressed that part of my life was gone. At least the pressure around the temples of my head is easing up. I seriously thought I was going to have an aneurysm.

Listen.... I can hear a laugh track. Although it's inside my noggin.

Why did I let my diabetes derail my health?

Ah, that's where the Major Depression comes in.

You see, when you have that kind of downward spiralling, hopeless, helpless thing eating your spirit, the thought of merely getting out of bed in the morning or afternoon seems futile and absurd. I would stare at a ceiling, wall or at nothing at all for hours.

Then....

When a bad thought came into my head, I would scream, making the bad thought momentarily go away. The thought was usually one of guilt of something said/not said or something I did to someone else that I thought was wrong. It could have been, in reality, something trivial.

I'm sure the neighbors in the apartment below were wondering what the fuck was going on up here. They knew my wife had already gone to work. And I'm sure they knew there wasn't a 24 hour cable channel with a show featuring a screaming loon during those many months, as well.

So yeah, I did get some strange looks from the neighbors whenever I took out the trash or went to the truck.

My personal hell began when my mother passed away August 5th, 2005.

That day, my dad, who suffers from dementia, deafness and a whole host of other medical problems, came home after running errands around town. He pulled the car in the garage, closed the garage door, but accidentally left the car running. He forgets to turn off the ignition and he can't hear the car running. Dad then proceeds upstairs, sets some groceries on the counter, tells mom that he's home and then goes to bed for a nap.

Not long after that, my mom (who could hardly walk and got around the house with a mobile unit, scooter or whatever you call them) thought she ran over her cat with her "mobey". She loved cats, as do I. Pushing on- Mom gets down from the seat, onto on the kitchen floor, upset that she hurt her cat. Meanwhile, the exhaust fumes, coming up from the basement garage, are coming out of the central air vents and into the kitchen. Mom (or dad- the part of the story I can't seem to get right) calls my sister to ask her to come and look at the cat. My sister says she will after she does a couple things, not knowing mom and dad are being poisoned with carbon dioxide.

By the time my sister arrives, she walks into the kitchen, sees mom slumped on the floor, eyes rolled to the back of her head, with vomit coming out of her mouth. Her face is purple with yellow spots dotting her complexion. My sister immediately tries to get her out of the house, perform CPR and a number of things. Bear in mind, my mother was very heavy. But as she's doing all of this, she's inhaling the unscented, invisible poison, too.

During this time, my sister calls me up. I was a strong guy back then. I think I could have lifted her up and out of the house, considering the situation. But my sister has told me that mom was pretty much gone by then.

Moving on- My sister leaves a panicked, out-of-breath message on my answering machine.

Where was I during the call?

I was in the computer room, with the door closed (my youngest cat had been taking a fancy to chewing on my electric cords) and I was drinking a lot with a friend I hadn't seen for a long time. Normally, I would have the portable phone with me. Not that time. It was in the living room. Also, I was playing PC games and music so loud, I couldn't hear anything outside the door.

By the time we came out, I had heard the terrible message too late. I blamed myself for not getting up there in time. More importantly, I almost lost my entire family that night.

There are more details, such as the news media circus surrounding the house that night (the event was on the news for awhile) and the excruciating sight of the way my mom looked on the hospital bed but I won't go into those details. It's no small miracle that I'm able to tell what I'm telling now.

After the shock of her death, the guilt, deep grief and anger towards myself, God and the world took over me. My health went to absolute shit. I did not care if I died, and really, I was wanting it to happen in the hopes of being with my mom again.

To those of you who have ever lost someone you love that much, die and not exist in your life anymore, you can empathize, hopefully.

---I'm going to continue this post tomorrow. It's 2:30 in the morning. When I do continue this, I will have something positive to share.