This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Monday, January 21, 2013

Crazy Joe's Internet Advice, Corny Jokes and More

Crazy Joe came up to me the other day, while I was throwing bricks against a brick wall in an alley. He nearly made me shit a brick when he tapped me on the shoulder, suddenly, from behind.  More importantly, though... Why do I throw bricks against bricks walls?  Well, because, you know, that's one of my favorite hobbies and it's really just as fulfilling as engaging in silly behavior on the InterNutz.  That latter of which seems to be the latest fad or sign of mental deficiency the days.  Confused?  So am I.

Speaking of which...

After pecking me on the shoulder, Crazy Joe said, "Man, some people are getting super loopy on the InterNutz these days?"

I said, after turning around and about to cave his forehead inward with a brick, "You scared me! I damn near smashed your fugly face in with this large brick in my hand."

I paused for a moment, realizing what he had just said before I was going to smash a brick into his skull.

Then I quickly asked, "What the hell are you talking about, Crazy Joe?"

Well, first he handed me a joke card and waited for a second while I read it.  It looked like this:

I laughed.  Crazy Joe laughed.  Then he said, "Shit like this freaks people out on the InterNutz.  Some people either do or don't get the humor of it, or they're extremely sensitive about certain language, get shitty about it or they're irate about the unimportant subject matter.  Doesn't make sense regarding the priorities in a normal person's life, really"

I stood back and replied, "Yeah, it's a loopy InterNutz world out there.  Some of them could use a brick to the head.  But you see all kinds.  Some are open minded, though.  I usually hang out with folks like that.  Kindred spirits, so to speak."

Then Crazy Joe gave me a typed document and said, "For kicks, I thought these up last night, after observing bad behavior on the InterNutz for a few hours."

At the top of the form was the title, CRAZY JOE'S INTERNET ADVICE

This is what it said:

* It's fucking impolite to verbally attack or call a specific person a negative name when you don't agree with him or her. If you don't agree with what they saying, just give your opinion on the subject or not- or ignore it, altogether and move on.  And life is too fucking short to act like children playing an " I Win/You lose" fucking type of game.  For fuck's sake! Fuckity fuck fuck!

* Do the world a favor. If you're on a social network site, stop telling your friends and family every petty detail of your life.  Throw in a funny image every fucking once in awhile, fuckers!  Break up the monotony of detailing your everyday routines to one and all.  Talk about anything you might find humorous!  Share the gift of laughter, fuckers! Or talk about something interesting, for a change!  You find that people just as open-minded as you are, are worth getting to know and enjoy interacting with, no matter what type of website you're spending time.   

* If you're too fucking overly sensitive to look at what you believe to be an offensive image, get thine ass off of whatever website or social networking page you're on and move thee fuck onward with your sensitive self.  Remember: It's A-Fucking-Okay if you don't care for the humor you happen to see but if you don't like what you see, your eyes can always look elsewhere.  

* Hey, don't start fights between friends or family while you're on one of those social networking sites, either!  If you've been given a couple dozen clues that you are prone to do that shit, then I highly advise you to take your nasty ass, trouble-making self to this one alley I know of, to get a free complimentary brick thrown at your fucking loopy head.  

* And please stop with the positive images with the light weight words that are supposedly uplifting and are supposedly "magical" in their ability that when you first lay your eyes on them and read them, you are, all of a sudden, a completely changed fucker for life.  Reality doesn't work that way.

I read the rest of what he had typed and while nodding my head, in agreement, I handed the advice list back to him and I said, "I agree with a lot of what you have to say here, Joe, but, as I've experienced in the past before, you can't change people, no matter how badly they need to change for the sake of harmony and tolerating others ."

Joe looked up at me and calmly replied, "But you can, sometimes, provoke them to open their minds and think.  And that's a start."

I said, "You may have a point there."

Crazy Joe said, "I believe I fucking do."

Then he smiled, noticing the grin on my face when he knew I got the joke of him repeatedly saying the word, "fuck" or "fucking" in every other sentence in his document or the present conversation to make a point that only the sharp minded would get.

I handed Crazy Joe a piece of paper that I had printed off my computer from a friend's email he sent me the other day.  I explained to Crazy Joe that my friend is really into corny jokes.  I said my friend knew there would be some on there that he knew would make me groan because they were moronic or silly.  But, I added, he was also nice enough to add a few jokes that he knew would give me a decent laugh, depending on how they were worded.

I asked Crazy Joe, "Do you think these corny jokes would freak certain people out?"

Crazy Joe looked at my piece of paper I had handed him and saw these jokes, along with an image down at the bottom.  Here they are:

What did the lamp say to the man?

Nothing.  A lamp is an inanimate object.

Two men walked into a bar.  The third one ducked.

What kind of shoes are made from banana skins?  


What kind of rooms have no walls?  


What happened to the boy who drank 8 cokes?

He burped 7-up.

Dave drowned.  So at the funeral, we got him a wreath in the shape of a life jacket.  Well, it's what he would have wanted.

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this?"  Some kind of joke?"

What does it smell like to go down on an eighty year old woman?


A daughter asked her mother how to spell "penis."

The mother said, "You should have asked me last night.  It was at the tip of my tongue"

Q: How do you make a baby float on water?

A: Try taking your foot off his head.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with the word, "Guess," on it.  So I looked at her and asked, "Implants?"

Crazy Joe laughed and laughed, even after he finished reading the jokes.  I thought he was going to just die from sheer laughter.  To save him from the possibility of laughing himself, literally, to death, I suddenly threw a brick at his head.  I think I saved the man's life.  :)     


Pickleope said...

I don't see what's so "crazy" about me...Uh...Crazy Joe. He's not the one throwing bricks at a brick wall, also, his internet etiquette seems incredibly reasonable. Even with the occasional "fuck" thrown in.
The jokes...well, again, I have to ask who the crazy one here is.

klahanie said...

Mr. Kelly,

It's four in the morning in lil' ol' England and I'm leaving a must read comment on your site before I actually do something weird like get some sleep!

I'm very much relating to "Crazy Joe's Internet Advice". And I'm just about ready to puke over the superficial bullshit I see on them silly social 'nutwork' sites. And those who like to play silly games on those sites and when I say silly games, I mean those who try to stir a lot of shit with their malicious and uncalled for gossip. I've been noticing this quite a bit lately. And if it wasn't for good folks like you who have good natured banter with me, I think I'd be tempted to blow up some of those social 'nutworks'.

And those gosh darn cute positive affirmations! Excuse me while I violently puke! :)

And the jokes on here, ah yes. This lady asked me to give her an example of a double entendre. So I gave her one...

You take care, Kelly. Time for me to leave one of my um fascinating profile updates on a certain site!


Francis Lee said...

The jokes were good.....

Gorilla Bananas said...

That daughter-penis joke is offensive for several reasons. 1) It isn't corny at all, so you were misleading us. 2) It implies women who lick men's dicks can't spell, which is a slur on these generous and obliging ladies. 3) It wasn't posted on a "mommy blog" to shock all those honest wives sharing recipes and stuff, who may or may not have licked their husbands' dicks.

I hope Crazy Joe is making a good recovery and understands the brick was for his own good.

bazza said...

Hi Kezza. I walked into a bar the other day and asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave me one.....
Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

billy pilgrim said...

crazy joe's sperm's in the gutter - his love's in the sink. but you kelly, don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick.

Kelly said...

Pickleope- Ah-Ha! So you're really Crazy Jo in disguise, eh? I thought something crazy was going on.

LOL... Yep, I'm a brick throwin' at a brick wall kind of sonofagun. You got me. :) And I wholeheartedly agree, Pickleope on Joe's Internet etiquette being sound and reasonable.

And the jokes must have been made up by a crazy person, for certain. Gosh! :)

Kelly said...

klahanie/Gary- Thank you for leaving a must-read comment on this joyous post of mine, Gary.

Yeah, those social nutworks sites can make one sick at times with their silly games like "petty gossiping," "outright lies," "jumping to conclusions" and all the rest you mentioned above.

About a couple months ago I endured some malicious behavior by someone who has the initials L.R. Out of the blue, this person maliciously tried to put a wedge between a family member and myself by telling her I had said something negative about her. I had talked to the woman for several months, before, and although she had given me subtle clues as to what kind of person she really was and how she had pissed a lot of people off on Fartbook in the past, I didn't really get who she was until it was too late. I still don't understand why she did what she did to me and another family member. Why in the hell would she do that? I tried getting ahold of her to ask her to explain herself but she wouldn't respond. Finally, I decided it was best to block her, un-friend her and the next day- hide my list of friends from her. Unfortunately, she got to a few of my facebook friends, before I could hide my friend list and she friend-ed the ones she got to so she could make up stuff about me. I can still see she still makes comments about me. And from what she has said in the past, it wouldn't be the first time she has done this. If you know of any facebook friends with the initials- L.R., watch your back! It's people like her that make people like me (who just go fartbook to talk to friends, share funny pics, vacation pics and silly phrases) to not want to be on there as much and to seriously get a feel for who a person is before I take a giant leap and friend them on fartbook or Google+.

Btw, those overly cutesy positive affirmation signs encourage me to want to retch, as well. Well, dude, I'll see ya on Fartbook, the ultimate social NUTwork site. Take care, Gary!

Kelly said...

Francis Lee- Thanks, man. I can't take all the credit, though. Take care!

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- Lol... Yes, that penis joke wasn't corny in the slightest. But, more importantly, it did give me a giggle.

Hmmm... You may have a point about number two. I'll have to go out to the store today and ask women who lick dicks if they can spell the word "penis." I wonder what the response will be? :)

Crazy Joe still has the brick embedded inside his forehead but he told me to tell you THANK YOU, for your sincere concern.

Have a wonderful day, my friend!

Kelly said...

bazza- Oh, you jokester, you. didn't know you had it in you, my friend. I think I laughed and laughed over that lil' joke until I shat a brick.

Gosh. Have a dandy day, Bazza!

Kelly said...

billy pilgrim- Crazy Joe's sperm is in the gutter and his love is in the sink? This is big news! We should alert the media at once. This is the most important event mankind has ever experienced.

Yes, and it is true... Sadly, I do not know how it feels to be s thick as a brick.

Your words are so wise. Take care, my friend!

Kim Thomas said...

Good jokes. I have to admit, I've never considered the possibility of Jane on drugs. Would have altered my grade school experience!

Kelly said...

Kim Thomas- Thanks, Kim. Personally, even when i was little, I thought Dick and Jane were rather bland. Honestly, I was wondering, while reading those dick and Jane books in my early school years, that those two kids were so lame, that if they can a pile of leaves, they would immediately jump in them and salivate from the pure joy of feeling dead leaves brushing up against their bodies. I thought, now if I were there, I'd probably tell them to settle down and wet 'em down with a big ol' fire hose to get them tone down their excitement.

THE SNEE said...

Thank you to Crazy Joe for the words of wisdom. Question? If there is 'magic' in the mushrooms can I use that word? Now off to do some cyber slutting. heehee.

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- How great to see you back here. I welcome you with virtual wine and virtual caviar on your exciting return. And Crazy Joe says, "You're welcome for the wisdom. I'm just frickin' great that way!"

Yes, Rebecca, you may certainly use that word. It's been put there, just for you, to use. :) And, if I might also add... The walls wouldn't be so darned mushy if it weren't for that special magic I put in my guest's wine when they first enter the lobby of Psycho Carnival. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! LOLOLOLOL

Dixie said...

Hiya Kelly.
I loved Dick and Jane. Yep, read that stuff as an innocent child, thinking they were innocent too. Aw geez Kel, you crack me up with that flying fuck shit..

Facebook, etc., used to share lots of personal info until I realized ppl were taken my nasty bylines and writings frigging novels; making mullah (not to be confused with nasty mullahs from you know where..) Oops. tell Crazy Joe that was a Freudian slip; blew his #1 rule.

It's been strange in the hood lately; haven'y been on the NET much. Sorry for the late arrival again. You know you really come up with topics that I overlook. Basic kind manners and peaceful communications is important. But I'm also glad you keep a keen sense of humor. A post without 'fuck' would just be one of mine(LOL)maybe not.

Stay warm wherever you are. I'm off (natch) to scrape ice from the van windshield. "Senior citizens day" at Goodwill.
:P dixie

unikorna said...

You are an amazing story teller, you have a lot of good humor, at least to me it is.

Static said...

Does Crazy Joe like corn? I bet he does. I bet he's drinking some through a straw right now after you smashed a brick into his head. The self-righteous fucker. :P

Kelly said...

Dixie- Hiya! Yeah, I used to read them, too, believing in their innocence. Then I found out they were peddling drugs when they weren't playing hopscotch.

Yeah, I agree with ya on what you said about Fartbook. I told Crazy Joe what you said about you accidentally breaking rule # 1. He told me to tell you not to break a sweat over it.

No worries over getting here late, Dixie. I've been having trouble being late in coming up with blog posts, lately. And responding to others' blog posts. Yeah, I've always been a big fan of basic manners, online and offline. And you know me. I'll use the word "fuck" or any other word to keep the humor flowing throughout a post.

We've been keeping warm. Thank you for the concern. Today, it was warm around here. 50 degrees F., in fact. Our daily temperatures are on a rollercoaster these days. One day it could be just as easily in the below freezing mark as well as being a lot warmer- but that comes with a lot of rain, usually. How has the weather been up your way? If you're scraping ice off you windshield, I can imagine it's really cold Take care and stay warm, my friend.

Kelly said...

Unikorna- Thank you, Petronela. I appreciate that. You are a terrific writer, as well. Very creative. Very professional. And you've been published! Thank you for the compliment on my humor, as well.

I hope to get time to check out your blog, soon. I'm planning on my making my blog visiting rounds ASAP.

Take care, my friend.

Kelly said...

Static- Why yes, that Crazy Joe fella does like corn. How did ya know? ;). LOL. Did I leave some subtle clue on that detail on Fartbook, perhaps?

Crazy Joe still has that brick embedded in his head. The same one I threw at him to save his life. But, miraculously, he can still drink his margaritas without a straw and eat his corn- just fine. Odd, isn't it? :)

Take care, my friend. Have a dandy day!

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