This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Friday, July 30, 2010

Sick Jokes

What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
-- The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out

I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today I found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".
to which the second hobo replies: "Oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"
"Did you get a blow job?"
"Naw, I couldnt find her head"

An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.
The teacher says, 'Save the children!'
The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'
The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"

Rape isn't a laughing matter, unless it is with a clown.

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.

Q: How many babies does it take to paint a house?
A: Depends on how hard you throw them!


The Wolf said...

Nice Kelly I'm sure somewhere in internet land a young impresionable child is weeping from this post.......oh well stupid fucker should be doing his homework anyway.

Here's one for you I'm sure I didn't tell you

What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?

An erection

Yeah I'm going to Hell :)

Sir Tom Eagerly said...

Here's one for you Kelly in suitably bad taste:
Two cannibals are eating a clown and one of them asks 'Does this taste funny to you?'
Am I too hot for the room?

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Lol. Oh poor impressionable young lad. My heart bleeds for thee.


Your baby joke was hysterical and you are going to hell. I'll see you there. You bring the beer. I'll bring the chips.

Kelly said...

Sir Tom- Funny joke, Sir Tom. Thanks. But you'll never be too hot for this room. :)

Have you ever fucked a girl with clown make-up on? I did once. I didn't know whether to laugh or jizz on her. So I did both. And let me tell you... It was HARD.


Mr. Stupid said...

These were funny. The "April Fool's" joke was hysterical. Nice post, Kelly

Kelly said...

Mr. Stupid- Thanks, man. I'm glad you had some laughs. Have a good weekend!

bazza said...

I can see it all clearly now Kelly. The look (and name) of this blog, the pictures surrounding the blog, the subject matter - you are obsessed with clowns, the scariest beings on the planet!

The Wolf said...

Here's a couple more for you Kelly that you should get a giggle from

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?

Crib death

What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?


Kelly said...

bazza- Hahaha... You might think that, friend, from looking at it, but really, I'm not. It just seemed like clowns went with the word- Carnival- better than anything else I could think of at the time. Besides, I don't find clowns scary in the least. But I do find people who do think they are, to be funny... Maybe even oddly scary, themselves. Take care, bazza.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Those were great, dude. Had me rolling. Truly sick and funny and spurt-worthy.

Again, I'll see you in hell.

Gucci Mama said...

Oh my gosh, I am dying over here between you and Wolfey with your evil, horrible jokes. You guys are so damn hilarious. And I needed to laugh so bad. Awesome.

Kelly said...

Gucci Mama- Glad you're laughin' your ass off, lady. You truly deserve it. And thanks for the compliments. They're pretty offensive and but not very pretty.

Now pardon me, madame, as I cutteth a beautifully crafted fart. Take care.

klahanie said...

You sick, sick fuck. And once again, what worries me, what truly fucking worries me, is that I enjoyed this is in a....well, sick fuck kinda' way.
So I guess that makes me a sick fuck.
I mean these jokes were kinda' like a nun on a jester, which of course is, 'virgin on the ridiculous'.
Must go now and 'rock' the baby to sleep. Now where did I leave that boulder? :-)

Dark Slander said...

I needed some of those today, Kelly.

So here is a joke to add:

A Priest and a Nun are touring the desert on a Camel when suddenly their Camel dies. They are both severely dehydrated and there is no help anywhere near. They begin talking about regrets:

Priest: "You know Sister Mary I've never had to chance to experience a woman or even see a pair of breasts."

*Shyly, Sister Mary takes out her large breasts*

Priest: "Oh My, may I touch them?"

*Sister Mary Nods*

*The Priest then gets slightly aroused*

Sister Mary: I see you're beginning to get aroused... may I take it out and touch it...

*The priest throws down his pants as quickly as possible and the Sister grabs hold of his penis roughly*

Priest: "Careful Mary! This thing brings life!"

Sister Mary: "Then shove up the Camel's Arse and we'll ride that fucker out of here."

Kelly said...

klahanie- Ah, and I wear that Sick Fuck badge of honor with pride, too, my friend. It has been duly earned over the years. Only my best of friends are sick, sick fucks and yes, I'm happy to report, you are a sick fuck, too- I say, respectfully.

'virgin on the ridiculous'?...'rock' the baby to sleep'? As usual, your wordplay is creative and funny as fuck. I believe the boulder for your infant 'rocking' is still embedded in the baby's head. Just like your lost car keys, it's always in plain sight. lol.

Glad you enjoyed. Take care.

Kelly said...

Dark Slander- Glad I could be of service, dude.

Your joke about the priest and the nun made me laugh hard. It was sweet. Thank you for your contribution. And 3 cheers for 'life bringing' penises. Whoopee. lol. Welcome to the Sick Fuck Club!*

*Not to be confused with the Mickey Mouse Club.

Dark Slander said...

Psh! I say we attack the Micky Mouse Club... with clubs!

Kelly said...

That sounds like a swell ol' time, Dark Slander. And don't forget... We can scoop out their fuckin' brains when we're done bashing in their heads so we can make decorative planters* out of their skulls.

*suitable for birthday gifts

Keeley said...

wow shit is twizted but i love it love it

Kelly said...

Keeley- I'm glad you loved the jokes. Shows you have a good sense of humor.

kellyanne said...

I just finished my message in a bottle...
i dont think my ex is gunna expect this fucking petrol bomb though

Kelly said...

kellyanne- Congrats on finishing your message! Hope your ex makes it through. :)

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