This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Sandwich Envy

My wife said she was having trouble sleeping. I suggested that she puff on my peter and drink the baby gravy out of it. I added, "For a better, more sounder sleep". So... after a few minutes of pondering this advice, she decided to cut my junk off. She laughed. I laughed.

It's all good in the neighborhood.

Seriously, though, I took her to a Red Robin restaurant for her birthday. It just opened. Red Robin restaurants are a national chain across the country that feature huge gourmet burgers on their menus. The hamburgers they have are really good. They also have what they call Bottomless Fries -which means you can have all the steak fries (garlic and Parmesan cheese as optional topping) you can chow down on. Their gourmet burgers have names like Bonzai Burger, Whiskey River Burger and so forth.

My wife was eating a Bonzai Burger this time around. The Bonzai Burger has on it -a third pound beef patty, lettuce, slice of pineapple, teriyaki sauce and cheese. She said it was really good.

But I could tell it was messy as hell, too. I watched her as she ate it. At one point she said, "It's so meaty, I can hardly get my mouth around it." Because of what she said and the sight of the hamburger juices dribbling down her chin while she ate, I developed "Sandwich Envy". I knew she would never say something like that about my penis so I got really mad, stamped my feet and growled, "You never say that about my meat kabobbin!"

Things got quiet, suddenly. Everyone looked at us. I laughed hard. My wife cut off my junk.

The End.


The Wolf said...

Sorry to hear about that, remember to place it in a ziploc bag and put it on ice and get to a hospital, they should be able to get you "up" and running if you can get there in less then 4 hours. If not duct or super glue will work, just make sure you attach it the right way so you don't piss in your me I know

Kelly said...

I used the duct tape, as you suggested, but I think I put it on backwards. Nothin' worse than having an upside down wanger.

You "know"? Does this mean your Ex cut yours off, too? Or did she just try to take it away?

klahanie said...

I reckon a little bit of 'bobbin' at Red Robin might have been fun...
I laughed 'hard' once..and it fuckin' hurt.
Perhaps a little extra 'man mayonnaise' in her Bonzai Burger might have done the trick.
Take care and here's hoping you get a 'fur burger and a side of thighs' :-)

Michael said...

LOL. When we first moved to Florida my lovely wife and I were sitting in a Bonanza restaurant. A few booths away were this flamboyant gay couple. Well my lovely wife, out of the blue, took my hand, and stated quite loudly "Things are different now. Mom and Dad will accept you. You should come out of the closet."

It's the little things like that, the improvisations that make life wonderful. A little embarrassing maybe, but still, they keep life interesting.

But still, sorry about your junk!

Me-Me King said...


Kelly said...

klahanie: LOL. You do have a way with words, Gary. Your comment was like a beautiful poem.

Hey, I tried "squeezin'" some "man mayo" out onto her burger but all that oozed out was a single glob of tartar sauce. :-( Maybe I should see a doctor.

Also... Thanks for the "fur burger and thighs" kind wishes. I'll have to get on top of that. :-) Have a nice day!

Kelly said...

Michael: Hahaha. That was sweet of your wife to spring that on ya. Sounds like she has a great, twisted sense of humor -as does mine -thankfully. Did you corrupt her over the years or did she come pre-corrupted? :-) My wife was innocent before she met me. Not any more. LOL.

And you're right. It's the sudden improvs that make life interesting. The more outrageous, the funnier it is.

Me-Me: Golly!

Dark Slander said...

Do you know what's worse than sandwich envy? Ice cream envy! Trust me, nothing more painful than to watch the one you love lick all over a scoop.

Maybe if you put a pineapple ring around it she'll take the bait?

Kelly said...

Ice cream envy? Goddamn, Dark Slander, that would be hard to watch... and watch while being hard. I'll try the pineapple ring ploy to see if she goes for my bait. It would be my luck she'd literally eat it up.


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