This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

The Incident At St. Mary's

Uncle Martin, Aunt Liv and their nephew, Tyler were sitting in their pew at St. Mary's Church, with hands folded in prayer. The priest, Father Wilkem, asked the parishioners to offer prayers, wishes and thoughts to The Lord.

The only thing Uncle Martin could think of at the moment, with his hands folded, was the twenty-something year old blonde haired college girl, sitting directly across from him, with the short, tight, black skirt and size D-cup titties and perfectly round ass.

Aunt Liv closed her eyes and prayed for Oprah Winfrey. She REALLY loved Oprah and was blessing Oprah for all of her good, charitable deeds throughout life and for giving all of those tax deductible free cars to "random" folks in her audience. Liv was sad that Oprah's last show was several weeks ago and that she was moving on with other projects on her own network but Aunt Liv just knew that deep in her heart that the magical Oprah, Queen of Daytime Talk Shows, Woman of The Year, Fortune 500's Sweetheart of The Decade and gosh, The Best Actress The World Had Ever Set Eyes Upon would somehow make it. And really BE THERE for her and all of her faithful followers in upcoming shows on her new network. Gosh, that Oprah was a saint.

She just didn't understand why the Catholic Church wouldn't induct her in the Saints Hall of Fame. She shook her head. Someone thought they heard a marble rattling around.

Tyler, a junior in high school, wriggled uncomfortably next to his Aunt Liv and cut a slow, rumbling fart against the wood of his seat. "Amen," said Tyler, under his breath. Tyler smiled and looked across the pews and caught a glimpse of Cheryl, his classmate in English. He thought, What a babe!

Tyler began imagining several scenarios where he was banging Cheryl over the long fold out table at the school cafeteria. Everyone was staring at them. Some students were applauding. Before you could say, "Alakazam!", Tyler was pitching a sizable tent in his slacks.

Right after loosening his tie, trying to suck in a little more air for his brain, Tyler heard Father Wilkem ask his parishioners to please stand up. With his fantasy temporarily put on pause, Tyler and the rest stood up. A few more readings from the bible went by and then Communion Ceremony began.

Everyone formed two lines to go up to the Priest, before the altar, to receive the blessed body of Christ that was in the form of a very thin, white, unleavened piece of round bread. A wafer.

These wafers were actually quite tasty and much better than the way they are described. I used to eat 'em like cookies when I was in parochial school. They couldn't become Christ, though, until the priest waved his magical wand (not his penis) and did the incantations. Sure, they still looked like wafers after he was done saying, "Presto! Change-o!" or something like that but I tell ya what... they tasted just a wee little bit better when you knew you were eating an ancient carpenter from biblical times. Yessir! Oh, wait a minute... I'm in the middle of a story aren't I?

Moving onward...

Each parishioner slowly marched toward the priest, for the Communion Ceremony and said, "Amen" after the priest said his special words.

Note: The priest says his special words that require the secret password of AMEN so the parishioner may then receive the blessed, newly transformed wafer that looks basically the same as it did before the priest made his incantations to change it to bite sized, easily digestible pieces of Christ. I farted. Amen.

Still, moving onward...

When everyone began returning to their pews to sit down and quietly, devoutly place the wafers on their tongues to eat it or allow it to dissolve like a breath mint, the parishioners pretended like they were praying and thinking deep, holy thoughts and other good ideas. Even as Tyler received his magic wafer, even as he said his Amen in of front Father Wilkem, he was still thinking of plunging his meat sword deep into Cheryl's quivering cunt. Some of the church goers noticed Tyler was sporting wood but Tyler could care less as Father Wilkem placed the host wafer into Tyler's sweaty hands.

Suddenly, a dark haired man threw open the front doors of the church entrance. His name was Intenso.

Intenso stormed through the middle aisle of the church, determination on his face. Dressed entirely in a black cloak, Intenso raised his hand towards the buxom blonde that Uncle Martin had been having impure thoughts about less than twenty minutes ago.

Dana, the college girl that Uncle Martin had been ogling, began to squirm around. Soon, a slow, lingering moan escaped from her O-shaped mouth. Her temperature began to rise. Her pussy began lubricating, soaking her bright pink thong.

Dana stood up, abruptly and began tearing her clothes off. Heavy breasts were unleashed from her bra. Dana's fingers probed her cunt inside her thong. She ripped the rest of her clothing off and began spreading her thick, swollen piss flaps. Intenso slowly twisted his hand, an evil smile appeared on his face. Dana made a loud warbling sound come through her throat and out of her mouth.

Pussy juice gushed from Dana's cunt. Everyone in the parish church gasped, in shock and desire, as Dana fingered her clit with such blurring speed, that her eyes rolled to the back of her head. A banshee cry came out of the young woman's mouth as she spread her arms and legs. Intenso twisted his hand in the air the opposite direction. Now you could see Dana's clit, and cunt lips being pinched and fondled. Her nipples stood straight up, towards heaven, as Dana bent over backwards over the pew behind her.

Half of the parish was hard or wet from watching the spectacle.

Father Wilkem broke out into an award-winning prayer to The Lord.

Soon, Intenso turned his attention to the other female parishioners and began his routine of masterful telepathy and manipulation of genitals with them.

The parishioners moaned, allowing wave after wave of orgasm hit them. They all took off their clothes and their cries of pleasure, joy and intense emotions took them over. Pussy juice splattered on the floor. When some of the men saw this, they could control their lust no more. They instantly dropped their trousers and furiously wanked off, spurting streams of thick jism all across the church pews. An old man was hit in the eye with one blob of sperm and he fell, crashing his head into the small table in the middle of the aisle. The elderly gentleman's head was split open on the collection plate on the table. Blood soon ran everywhere and dribbled off the table's sides.

Father Wilkem asked for guidance from The Lord as he stroked his penis, uncontrollably.

Sister Bethany fell to her knees and screamed, suffering and enjoying waves after soul-enlightening waves of orgasms ripple throughout her body and hit her deep into her G-spot. Sister Bethany's nipples felt tingly, like they were almost on fire. A puddle of her pussy juice formed around her. There was enough there to baptize an infant, if one so desired.

Many of the parishioners were squirming and thrashing about. Various spots and puddles of human ejaculation and vaginal secretions were causing severe safety hazards during this unique Sunday church service. People began slipping and falling. A man in his mid thirties fell and cracked his head wide open on the top headboard of the old wooden pew. Blood soon gushed out of his forehead where there was a messy gash. Other people fell, as a result of slippage, often while moaning during the ecstasy and struggle of constant orgasms.

Intenso quickly whirled his arm around. The Master of Orgasms stood in the middle of church. Naked bodies writhed on the floor. Penises spurted heavy loads. Balls drained and filled up, magically, once again. Snatches dribbled and gushed their wetness. One man dipped his holy wafer into a small puddle of pussy juice, soaking it until is was soggy. He then gave thanks to The Lord, ate it and promptly rammed his penis into Sister Bethany's backdoor, her holy stink eye, if you will.

Her mouth made a funny noise right then.

While Tyler was jerking off, he contemplated the sound Sister Bethany emitted and thought it sounded like, "Moooo."

Some of the parishioners had tortured looks on their faces. Some expressed a mix of pain and pleasure. Either way, Intenso was satisfied. The man in the black cloak threw his head back and laughed, heartily.

And then, before you could say, "Hit me with your best money shot", Intenso left the church. A few minutes lurched by as the church goers' fever of seemingly unending lust finally subsided. They looked at each other, embarrassed and commenced to putting their tattered, wet clothes back on their trembling bodies. Many of the parishioners had passed out. A few died of cardiac arrest and stroke. Others were helping incapacitated others with their clothes.

Dizzy and feeling quite used up, the parishioners stumbled and lurched out of the entrance of the church. A few of them fell down the stone stairs, from a major lack of bodily fluids and low blood sugar. Some men were in pain due to severe semen drainage from their balls. They were light-headed, speaking in an unthinking, mumbling sort of way. The women stared, straight forward, zombie-like. Some of them, as well, tripped down the stairs. Leaves from the nearby trees were blown against their bare, sticky legs and stuck snugly to their slick flesh of their thighs and calves.

Passerby saw the people tumbling down the steps. A few ran to help them up and take them to the hospital or aid them in another positive way. Some only stopped to take pictures with their cell phones. Tyler smiled. He had just fucked Cheryl in the ass, while pinching her nipples over a church pew. Going to church wasn't as bad as he thought it was going to be.

What started out as a normal, uneventful church service turned into quite an unforgettable day for the parishioners of St. Mary's Church.


Dave said...

Ha Ha thats some church lol. Good post.

Kelly said...

Dave- Thanks. I believe everyone had a spiritual experience.

Annabelle said...

Wow. They said I was missing out by not being a church goer, but I had no idea. Damn.

Ummm, sometime you'll have to explain the juxtaposition of the cracked and bleeding skulls, but hey, just cause somethings not my thing...

Thanks for the sunday schooling.

Mrs. Pickle said...

I have never tried one of those wafers before. Now I am curious.
( to promote my blog of course!)

Lana Gramlich said...

Another reason I'm a happy antitheist, I s'pose...

ed said...

i have the weirdest boner

Kelly said...

Annabelle- See. This is the kind of thing that happens all the time. You've been missin' out on the good stuff. Intenso is a real riot at parties, too. You're welcome for the Sunday schooling. I try hard, ya know. :-)

Kelly said...

Mrs. Pickle- The wafers are tasty and dipping them in the right sauce can be an added delight, too.

Kelly said...

Lana Gramlich- Hahahaha... I'm not sure what to say to that.

Kelly said...

ed- Why? Is it green, with polka dots or something. ;-)

Erika said...

I THOROUGHLY enjoyed reading this XD

You should write more!!

And is it weird that I have a clitboner on right now??

Sean said...

what was with some of those pictures lol

LilPixi said...

I loved those wafers. Back then I should have brought a mustache to church & put it on to get back in line to get more wafers. "Presto Chango", Lmfao!

That was insane......which is why it was AWESOME!! It really started tickling my funny bone when the first guy crashed & died. Does that make me sick? Let's not actually get into that question.

I want Intenso's magical powers.

SO great to see you posting again! =) =) You are the fucking bomb! Kelly for prez!!

Static said...

Hahaha! Gosh, I hope some of those poor folks were given their last rites.

Dvallej said...

i went to catholic school, i know about that

The Wolf said...

Just think what would have happened if they were Muslims

The Angry Lurker said...

What a great story and pictures.

Kelly said...

Erika- Glad you liked it. Yeah, I wish I could write more, too. If I didn't get so tied down with the world outside blogging, I'd be writing all the time. Of course it's not weird that you have a big ol' clitboner right now. I've seen big hard clits on gals the size of thimbles. It's like they got little peters or something. lol.

Kelly said...

Sean- I don't know. what was with some of those pics? lol.

Kelly said...

LilPixi- Oh yeah. Those wafers are some mighty fine eatin'. And that's a dandy idea to disguise yourself in order to get in line to get some more. It's like, "Father, could I have a second helping of Jesus? He's yummy." Glad the magic words could make ya laugh, too.

Glad you liked the insane story. And yes, like me, you are sick. But that's okay. I still love you for it and much more. <3 You want Intenso's powers? Can you imagine what YOU would do with that kind of power? I shudder to think.

I'm happy that you're happy to see me posting again. It feels good to be able to return to it. You're the greatest for saying that, LilPixi, and for so much more. You rock! Take care of yourself and happy farming! <3

Kelly said...

Static- Lol. Nope, those poor pious fuckers were given nothin' but a good healthy sprinkling of holy spunk.

Kelly said...

Dvallej- So you went to Catholic school, too, eh? Me too. Wasn't just so much fun. I've written true life horror stories about my times there on this blog.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- That blows my mind just thinking about that, to tell the truth.

Kelly said...

The Angry Lurker- Thanks, man. I think it's one of my better fictional masterpieces of sophisticated art. For certain. :-)

Gucci Mama said...

You are going to hell. It will be worth it. That was so awesome.

DocStout said...

The appearance of Intenso definitely took the story much further down a direction I hadn't quite expected.

Rico Swaff said...

Hahaha DUDE! That was fucking hilarious! It reminded me of a sexfest opposed to gorefest version of the movie, "Dead Alive" in a Catholic church setting.

This had so many funny descriptions that I don't really know where to start in terms of pointing them out. Well, to are probably the most talented fart describer I have ever heard of. This dates back to the post where you described your wife interfering with a romantic moment with an elderly couple by farting... but I am sure there were other descriptions dating way before then.

I had one of those church wafers at my Grandma's funeral last week. My dad...who is appalled by my evergrowing agnostic beliefs said, "Joshua, I noticed you took communion today... I think it's great that you are finding the lord again." I responded with, "no, that isn't the case... I just love the way those things taste. The main thing I miss about going to church with an exception of some of the music." He responded with, "you continue to miss the entire point of Christianity."

Anyways, rock on Kelly!

Patti D. said...

wow, that was a wery cool story, and funny pictures too!

You can visit my blog here.

bazza said...

This post is not really about transubstantiation is it?
Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

THE SNEE said...

Hi Kelly,

Sorry to have gone MIA...suffering from summer transitional disorder, and have another move coming up.

Only you can make Sunday church services so .....shall we say....engaging. Did Aunt Liv finally stopped thinking about Oprah and her new network after Intenso blessed her with a visit? It sounds like the priest must have put more than just some words into those wafers. BEWARE THE WAFER!

Kelly said...

Gucci Mama- Gosh, I sure hope I don't go to hell. I hear it's pretty bad. Will you visit me or will you be there already? Lol.

Kelly said...

DocStout- Intenso not only gave the story a twist but he paranormally gave a few clits the ol' twisteroonies, too. :-)

Kelly said...

Rico Swaff- I don't think I've ever seen that movie. I'll have to check it out. I put that title, "Fart Describer" more that a few times on my resume. I was just that proud of my position. :-) Glad you had some laughs with this post and that other one you refer to.

Lol. Yeah, your Dad had high hopes for your Christian "salvation" and you blew it all out of the water for him. Gosh, that was nice of ya. That was sweet. I gotta admit, though, I'd probably say something like that, too. Maybe. If I didn't have a mouth full of church wafers.

Rock on, my friend. Try not to run over any old fuckers.

Kelly said...

Patti D.- Thanks. Come again.

Kelly said...

bazza- I'm glad you brought that up. You're the first. Sure, there was some "light" mockery of the subject. I think at least a third of the story was about that or at least a different viewpoint on transubstantiation. It was also about the worshiping of Oprah- which I still can't understand. It was about chaos of lust and the enticements of doing something taboo. There's so much to choose from. :-)

Kelly said...

The SNEE- Hi Rebecca, Ah, I didn't know you were going here, there and everywhere still. I was MIA, too, for awhile and to top it off, I was without Internet for two days, yesterday and today. Loads of catching up to do. Enough about me. Hope you're doing well during your travels. Maybe your adventures will prove to be material for your blog. Just trying to look on the bright side.

In A. to your Q.- Aunt Liv chanted, "Oprah!" even as Intenso made her lady parts go crazy and spray the pews, hose the floor down, gush like a geyser and, in the end, make it unfit for worship. What a darn shame.

Do you think the priest put some Ecstasy in those wafers he created? Hmmm. I did hear a rumor. That dirty bastard. Take care and God bless you, Rebecca. :-)

PorkStar said...

hahahahaha now I'm the one sporting the wood at this point.

Kelly said...

PorkStar- I'm laughin' there with ya, friend. While imagining this story and typing it up, I was sporting some mighty fine grade of wood, myself.

Great weekend to ya!

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