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Saturday, November 6, 2010

My Fart Gun Has Endless Ammunition

Ever since my significant other and I chowed down on four monster beef and bean burritos earlier today, we cannot stop friggin' farting. It's like my goddamn butt hole, which in our family, we call our Fart Gun, has an endless supply of ammunition. And these are above average farts, too. Long staccato puffs of methane gas are ripping out of my anus, even as we speak.


Unfortunately, I haven't been able to take a shit yet to help get some of these ass blasting clouds of death out of my bowels. Damn you, El Monterey burritos! Get the hell out of my belly! I think you're killing my cat!

My cat, Victor, has been hiding his little furry face in the chair next to me for hours now. I'm debating on whether or not to check his pulse. I don't see any part of his body rising or lowering to suggest he's still breathing. Hold on a sec and I'll check him out.

Hell, I didn't have to. My wife just cut the cheese, from the bedroom and prompted Victor to poke his head up in fright. Then he looks over at me as if to say, "Is the monster going to get me, daddy?" Before I could respond to his imaginary inquiry, I just blew out a slew of air biscuits, further scaring the shit out of him. I wish somebody could scare the shit out of me right now. I think it would relieve the pressure so I could feel better.


My blinking brown eye is nearly raw and almost bleeding from all the colon calamities that have ensued!

Unfortunately, I don't have any Gas-X pills or that pink stuff, Pepto Bismol. My bloated belly is so loaded down with windy pops and booty bombs that I think I'm going to explode. Lord, help me, please!

Oh goddamn it... There goes another one! What in the unholy hell of Sphincter Turbulence is going on here. Is there no end to this?

24 comments:

Donda said...

I cannot fathom why I felt compelled to read this entire post but it was like a train wreck and I just couldn't look away. I will pray that you can drop the browns off at the superbowl soon!

Sir Tom Eagerly said...

Hello Kelly. The most amazing thing about this oh-so-charming post is that your pal Gary at 'Klahanie' has also just published a post about wind too!
I suggest a diet of charcoal biscuits today.(Check it out on Wikipedia).

Gorilla Bananas said...

Go to the bathroom, take off your clothes and see if you can ignite your farts with a lit match. You can see it being done at the end of this farting video. Wait til the end.

THE SNEE said...

Hi Kelly, I came running over here after the illustrious Sir Tom noted that both you and Gary at Klahanie were posting about wind, but instead I see you were just having a gas over here! See you soon Kelly. The wind just changed direction and I'm catching a certain whiff in the air. Perhaps it will blow me in the direction of your terrific pics for kicks.

LilPixi said...

Oh, I just died laughing.
And why do I suddenly want a burrito today? People like me never learn. Haha

bazza said...

As I commented a Gary/Klahanie's Blog: I can see why The Masked Blogger awarded Sir Tom an award for witty comments!
Downwind please!
Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

The Wolf said...

That's not ass gas that's concentrated evil coming out of you....now repeat after me THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU, BEGONE FOUL DEMON. If that dosen't work try some ex-lax and whip up a batch of ass brownies.

Kelly said...

Donda- Good news! I finally took a healthy shit. Praise be to the Gods of Flatulence! I thank you for keeping me in your prayers during this stressful time.

Kelly said...

Sir Tom Eagerly- So glad you could stop by to comment on my charming post. And I wish to congratulate you on your very own award. I'm sure both your big head and little heads are swollen. Thanks for the suggestion of consuming charcoal biscuits. That sounds like a right tasty treat, good sir.

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- My cousin was always quite adept at lighting his farts when we would have our drunken bonfire parties. Sadly, he burnt his buns to a crisp. I'll check out that video soon.

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- Wow! You can smell my booty poots all the way from here? I'll try to aim my Fart Gun in a different direction so as to not overwhelm your senses and possibly cause you to pass out. That's just the kind of gentleman I am, you know. :)

Glad you could check out the Pics For Kicks site and thanks for leaving a comment. Always appreciated. Have a great day!

Kelly said...

LiliPixi- If you get a burrito today, whatever you do, don't get the El Monterey Beef and Bean. They're diabolically lethal! For real! My bowels almost burst like an exploding hot air balloon.

I'm so happy I finally pooped!

Kelly said...

bazza- Yeah, I checked out that award. It's a dandy- coat of arms and a knights helmet and everything. He must have jizzed himself silly when he saw it.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Thank you for the effective advice. I did as you instructed and the foul fart demon was expelled, along with a string of brownie-like turds.

vineyardroad.com said...

Hhmmm ... Kelly. lol.

MartyrMom said...

That is so reminding me of something I need to write about.
Glad you finally pinched a loaf

klahanie said...

Well howdy Kelly,
Sorry to have arrived so late to comment on yet another fascinating, and almost moving, eventually we hope, end to this tale of pooping woes. Has the 'turtle popped its head out'?
I note that the 'award winning' Sir Tom has tried to relate some kind of syncronicity of 'wind' in regards to our postings. I can see the syncronicity between wind and his ongoing comments.
I hope, and indeed, every living creature on this planet hopes you are feeling better.
Kind wishes and a very juicy fart, your way, Gary :-)

Kelly said...

vineyardroad.com- i am all out of poots.

Kelly said...

MarytrMom- You're welcome. I'm so happy I pooped, too. Now I can finally get on with my life.

Kelly said...

klahanie- No problem about arriving late. I'm ecstatic to report that the turtle has, indeed, popped it's head out. I no longer have that massive gas ass build-up. Relief was given to me, yesterday, at last. My cat let out a sigh of relief, as well, when I could finally release my butt nuggets. I thank you for the concern.

I know what you mean about the 'award winning' Sir Tom and his attempt to compare my latest offering and yours, in regards to 'wind'. He's a silly old fart.

Thanks for the kinds wishes and sloppy wet flatulence. You're a true gentleman. Take care.

Dark Slander said...

You sir defy physics! I also laugh at your minuscule fart gun, and raise you a diarrhea super soaker!

Seriously dude, I'm not sure if I should laugh, cry, or be confused about this one. I suppose that's the essence of your writing style... bewilder them with a mind rape and then take their wallet..

I'm on to you.

Kelly said...

Dark Slander- A diarrhea super soaker would be better than cool, man. I need to take that to the bank with me when I'm in one of those long fucking lines. I'd get the slow ass fucking tellers moving or they'd get showered in my special fecal delight.

Why not do all 3. Or four. Laugh, cry, be confused and then masturbate furiously. That's what I always do when I'm happy.

Uh-oh... You're on to me, aye? I'll have to change things up a bit then. :)

Donda said...

OK I seriously need you on the facebook...I just found a jib jab that reminded me of this post. Hilarious!!

Kelly said...

Donda- That would be great, as far as friending me on Facebook. I like those Jib Jabs, too. They're usually pretty funny.

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