This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Onthophagus Taurus and Dryer Vents

The beetle, Onthophagus Taurus, is an insect that is able to pull 1, 141 times it's own body weight. It is the equivalent of a 150 lb person lifting six double-decker buses. Now that, my friends, is strong.

If I could do that, without pulling groin hernia #3 on myself, I could do some wondrous things. For instance, I could pull myself up from behind the dryer when I get stuck. Every time I clean the air vent behind my dryer I get stuck with no way out, except this narrow three inch gap between the dryer and counter top which rises up past my nipples... almost. Rarely, do I try to squeeze through the three inch gap. I've almost lost my "stick and balls" that way. So there I am, usually, cursing and wishing I had waited on cleaning the dryer vent until the wife gets home. At least she helps to pull me out every so often or feeds me time to time so I won't collapse in a crumpled heap behind the dryer, sucking on dryer lint for nourishment. She's sweet that way.

By the way, you are correct in assuming that the picture above, is one of two Onthophagus Taurus beetles gettin' it on, doin' the wild thing or boning. Looks like a pretty horny situation, if you ask me.

Back to this spectacular, resilient bug: The females bury most of their fecal matter (like cow droppings) instead of carrying them. Sounds practical. The females build tunnels through the shit to lay their eggs in. Sounds disgusting. It's through these tunnels that mating and pre-mating fights between the males takes place. Fighting and fucking in shit sounds like joyous fun for all. Not.

The male beetles, that are hornless, have to rely on strategic trickery when it comes to fighting in the tunnels. Instead of waiting at the entrance of the tunnels, as the horned beetles do, the hornless ones hide out in self-built side tunnels and sneak in to mate before getting caught by a horned beetle.

Horned males, however, combat head-to-head. Their horns kind of meet on their shoulders. They push each other backward and forward, with the male that is being pushed hardest, bracing, as it is being pushed.

Imagine getting into a fight with one of these creatures if it was six feet in length or more. I wonder what kind of fighting that would entail. I do know one thing... I wouldn't follow them back into their shitty homes. And keeping a few as prisoners or slaves wouldn't work for me. I couldn't handle the stench. No, I think I would just leave them be. Maybe give them some kind of hygiene kit from Bath and Body Works for Christmas every other year or something.

Where was I going with this? Hell, I don't know. I've got a dryer vent to clean, damn it. Later.


The Wolf said...

Only you could combine a dryer vent, bugs that play in shit, and your nipples all in one post, nicely done.

Dryer lint sounds tasty by the way, you should market that on a ceral box for kids, you could place it right beside the used greasy water from boiling hot dogs, and pre used toilet paper.

Kelly said...

Thank you. Somehow, it just seemed like natural combination to me. Dryer lint is tasty, indeed. Tomorrow, I plan on contacting the Kellogg's Company to see if they would be interested in the idea of dryer lint made into little Cheerios. Thanks for the idea.

My niplets are hard with anticipation of tomorrow's phone call.

Hey, you know that toilet paper that had aloe (greasy green natural healing substance) in it?? That toilet paper always had the feeling of being pre-used. I hated that shit. Have a fun day/night!

The Wolf said...

Never tried that stuff, don't think I ever will either. The only slimy thing that ever attempted to touch my ass was some dirty hairy Frenchman and I promply procedded to choke slam him into a wall and was about to attempt to tear his head off when two cops tried to stop me........that and some Japanese reporter was filming me and was probably considering putting me on YouTube.......My life is just so peachy

Mr. Stupid said...

Wow. Only if I had that much of strength. I could become a Superhero and help you get out every time you were stuck.
Please don't get stuck again. I am yet to become a Superhero... hehe


Me-Me King said...

Damn, the things you learn here in bloggy land. I thought I knew everything about the animal kingdom because I have watched every Discovery and Animal Planet show there is. Somehow, I seem missed the one about this creature.

Good luck with the dryer, blow!!!

Kelly said...

The Wolf: Wow. Now that is an action-packed story. Your life does sound peachy. Of course, I would have done the same, in regards, to some asshole trying to touch me that way. I don't take shit, either. No matter what the circumstances are.

Mr. Stupid: Now if and when you do get to be a superhero, will you have the title, "Mr. Stupid", on your outfit? Or will you have the names of corporate sponsors' names all over it... like a race car driver's clothes? :-) Take care, friend.

Me-Me: That's why I'm here. To teach. ;) Like you, I watch all those shows on Discovery and Animal Planet, too. And then some. But I didn't find out about this one until I read about it on the internutz. I didn't get to the dryer vent, yet, but thanks for the luck wishing. I shall now commence blowing. Not in the nasty way, though. :-)

klahanie said...

I reckon you should find a six foot version of one of them thar critters and get it to clean you dryer vent. Just make sure you ask really nice. Or it might just kick your butt all the way over to England...yikes:-)

Kelly said...

Gary: I will take your advice and go out into the world and search for a big, horny dung beetle. Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh should do the trick.

Yikes, indeed.

Dark Slander said...

Well that was quite amusing, I'm still laughing. I'm glad your wife is around to keep you fed and alive during these troubled times.


The word to verify I'm not a bot and am a human being is "Penial" use it as you wish.

Kelly said...

Glad ya enjoyed it, Dark Slander. Yeah, my wife is handy when it comes to keeping me alive.

Hey, what does that last line mean?

Related Posts with Thumbnails

  © Blogger template ProBlogger Template by 2008

Back to TOP