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This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

This Burglar Is Not Worse Than Goldilocks

To me this is funny.

An eastern Pennsylvania man was charged after he allegedly broke into a home, cut his hair and prepared fried chicken before being discovered. The man was charged with breaking into the home in Easton, about 50 miles north of Philadelphia.

According to court documents, the homeowner returned home Sunday to discover him watching TV and cooking chicken.

Authorities said the man threw a rock through a front door window to get inside and appeared to have rummaged through every room in the house. He also took a shower.
The man faces burglary, criminal trespass and other charges and was being held on $15,000 bail.

Now, I have to admit. I enjoy a good visit, now and then, to someone's home. Sometimes they may even know about it. But preparing fried chicken and watching tv? I draw the line on that activity. Hell, you know what's going to happen after he eats a couple greasy thighs (the mouth waters) and watches your television for awhile.

He's going to want to take a big dump in your shitter and clog the damn thing up.

That's why the three bears were really angry with Goldilocks. It wasn't soup or broken chairs. They won't tell you this in the book but I will. The truth shall set ye free and relieved!


Oh. Excuse Me. I am now relieved.

No, the real reason the bears were so pissed at Goldy was that she clogged the shitter. Before that, though, she invited Mr. Wolf (infamous for the three little pigs fiasco). After a few beers and Margaritas, small talk led to foreplay, then foreplay led to all kinds of raucous sounds and disorderly behaviour going on. Madness. Pure madness.

The bears came home to bottles and glasses littering the floor and bed sheets covered with a strange goo. They were angry. "Evelyn", questioned Papa Bear, "You're not suffering from a another damn yeast infection, are you?"

Mama Bear looked at their bed, shaking her head, wondering, How will I ever get these sheets clean?

Goldilocks came out of the bathroom with a worn out appearance. The bears looked at her. She looked at them. Goldilocks asked, "So what the fuck are you lookin' at? And where's the candy and cigs? Don't you fuckers stock shit up around here for guests?"

Then all three bears attacked Goldilocks and completely devoured her but not before shoving a broken bottle up her ass first. The wolf witnessed this and decided to jump out of the window. Papa Bear ran out of the front door, caught the wolf and tore his larynx out with his sharp-as- knives teeth. As blood burbled out of the wolf's neck, the wolf cried for help, further infuriating Papa Bear. That was when Papa Bear bit a hole in the wolf's belly so big- that all of the wolf's intestines plopped out onto the ground. Papa Bear gobbled them up, as well, while the wolf watched and slowly died.

That's the truth.


Me-Me King said...

Back in Arkansas, a friend's home was burglarized where the perpetrator helped himself to a couple of beers. At least he was considerate when he left a note saying, "Buy more beer."

True story.

Kelly said...

How thoughtful of him. Yeah, I've heard of stories like that before where an idiot breaks in and makes himself/herself at home. But what did you think of the 3 bears part of the story?

The Guy's Perspective said...

I think you may have the makings of a fairy tale retold. You should write a book and retell all the fairy tales and set the record straight. We've all been bamboozled forever.

If life were as grand as they say in those tales there would be no need for wars, famine, etc.

Happily ever after?? Yes, until the next time.


Kelly said...

Ha ha. Gosh and golly gee, I should retell all the fairy tales with the real truth behind 'em. Maybe write a children's book or two. I'm sure some kiddie book publisher out there will make a zillion copies for me and soon enough, Oprah will recommend me. Bonerific!

Yeah, I agree with ya about the wars and famine comment. I think those happy ending tales should come with some kind of disclaimer at the end for kids, such as: In no way should you believe this story has anything to do with the reality of life. At least give the kids some fair warning about things to come instead of hiding all the "harsh truths" from them until...

it's too... late.

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