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Sunday, January 17, 2010

Electronics Are Evil

Remember when stores just came out with those U-scans? They cheerfully declared them a machine that would ensure an easier, quicker way for the consumer to check out his or her stuff- so you can get the hell out of the store before some asshole you can't stand sees you and starts up an unwanted conversation when you just want to get home and relax. Just slide your package of crap across the scanner, listen for the little "beep" telling you your thing's bar code was picked up and ready to be set inside your bag. And don't forget, you better put it the bag right away or something bad will transpire.

The things you should regard, as you go through the process are:

As much as you think you're one smart monkey by avoiding the long lines with real human cashiers, the U-scan, approximately eighty percent of the time, will have an error/question/glitch happen with at least one of your items. When this frustrating development comes about and pushes you increasingly into full fruition as anger at the machine, perhaps causing you to rescan your thing dozens of times, at variable angles in the hopes it will go through, a wondrous miracle may occur. And I'm not talking about dropping dead to be done with this wretched society and all of it's "gotta-have-it" gadgetry .


This miracle will come in the form of a human being. Especially miraculous will be the good fortune of having that human being be a person that can actually help you. He or she will push some buttons, and perhaps, she will even make it work. Or not. It may take up to four different miracle workers to make it work. The cashier manager may have to be called. Maybe the store manager. Or God, himself. Though I doubt God would want to have anything to do with the useless piece of crap called a U-scan.

Cellphones are the work of the devil. There, I said it. Embrace it as truth!

I don't care what company or plan or brand you're using, you will eventually be in an area where the cellphone can't get a signal. This will occur when you need it to work desperately. Let's say your car has broke down during sub zero temperatures out in the middle of a land that time forgot- this will be the time your cellphone won't work. Maybe you can blame it on your surroundings, lack of signal towers (don't know what they're called for sure and don't care) or maybe the heat or ice has caused "the little gadget that couldn't" to pop and explode. Who knows? It doesn't matter. At the time when you need it most, it will fail. Piece of shit. The end.

Of course, let's not forget how annoying cell phones are when you're eating at a restaurant or in line for the u-scan and some asshole (it could even be you) gets one of those "clever little ring tone jingles" and the guy or girl is talking on it like it's greatest thing- that they got called so they can talk really loud and for a long time about something trivial like "maybe I should get that new Blackberry Piece of Shit Electronic Gadget that they advertise so I can waste more time and money."

Computers will also screw up. We all know that. Teeth gritting. Panic at meeting a deadline. The computer doesn't care. You can say it's human error or a hacker or the lack of an update or latest driver or whatever all you want. But you would think, even with all of the fancy-smancey repair programs and anti-spyware/anti-virus applications that's out there now, that computers have been around so long- so very fucking long- that they should be able to repair themselves of anything now- whether it be from human error or otherwise.

Cars are no different. I believe just about every car being manufactured nowadays (I'm never one hundred percent sure of anything) has an electronic "brain" or something like that. Eventually, because most cars are comprised of so many electronic components and this "brain", it will eventually fail. I fill the fluids and fix the small stuff on my own crapolas on wheels and that's it. I've never been interested in cars. Go ahead and rev that engine. Wank yourself silly, while doing so. After paying what you pay for this sad mode of transportation, it too will eventually fail. It can be a new vehicle. It can be old. It can be a hybrid. It can be a hovercraft type car from the future.

Sure, a real mechanic can correct me on this and that, concerning cars. I, in turn, will offer my utmost concern by shrugging and walk away. I hate cars. Any electronic that fails and cannot repair itself should self detonate next to some asshole talking on the cell phone about nothing.

In short, all electronics are worthless pieces of evil shit.


Me-Me King said...

I don't use those "check your own" stands at the grocery. It's intimidating, obnoxious, troublesome plus, more importantly, it put someone out of a job.

Kelly said...

That's for sure. And you're right, when Walmart, Krogers and all those other huge corporations install those things, they do put or keep people out of a job. My wife, who works at Walmart, could tell you many a frustating story concerning those U-scans. The stick her in charge of monitoring the damn things every other day.

The Guy's Perspective said...

I hate electronics and those U scans. They have them at the post office too. I used it once because some employee was there trying to push it on people. I tried it and took note of where I would have been in the normal people line. It took me twice as long! So much for technology.

And at the library. Self-scanners. Inevitably the librarian comes over to assist because of some problem. Not the evil one, but the cute one, so that's OK!

I'm not a car person either. Waste of time.

Cell phones are useful in emergencies and with kids, but when there's no signal it's pretty freakin' annoying. Like being lost in the woods. No use there!!!

Computers: Well we're stuck with them. Pain in the ass though.

Kelly said...

Tell me more about the cute one. :) It's good to know there's someone observant enough to think likewise.

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