This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Friday, December 3, 2010

How Santa's Reindeer Are Able To Fly

Many people have asked me how this can be, that reindeer are able to leave the ground and take to the air. Hopefully, after this post, you will come to understand how this is possible. Read on, my gentle readers.

Throughout history there has been much speculation on this amazing phenomena. Many historians and zoologists point to the early years of Santa's role as Father Christmas. During these harsh and formidable years as a major holiday figure, Santa seemed to relish the fact that he had been imposed with certain magical abilities by elves and was drunk with power, thus ruling with a mighty mittened thumb.

Ancient texts, found recently by archaeologists, describe numerous tales of Santa forcing his beloved reindeer to endure nights of severe whippings with the lash and brutal sessions of anal sex, or "fudgepacking", if you will, before the much anticipated eve of Christmas. He often discussed these special training techniques with his fellow brethren, the elves.

In a previously undisclosed piece of antique manuscript, Santa is quoted as saying, "I encourage these retched, foul smelling beasts to pull my colossal, bulging sack of toys and my own fat, sagging ass on a sleigh with nightly scheduled thrashings. When this part of their training has concluded, I instill in them the deep desire to take flight by ruthlessly humping them in their asses until bleeding commences."

More than a few elves would stare blankly at the jolly old fat man, in horror and disbelief, after being told of his unusual procedures. According to the same aged text, one elf among the crowd, was quoted, inquiring, "But isn't this rather harsh?"

Santa lifted his cumbersome belly, let out a jovial laugh and then pointed to the elf and exclaimed, "It's either them or you fuckers!"

The video clip below explains, partially, how Santa Claus' enslaved caribou are able to fly... and fly so high, as well. Watch the video clip to learn more.


Gorilla Bananas said...

So butt-fucking animals can make them fly? If only the Wright brothers had known before wasting their money on all those silly contraptions. Those elves are damn cheeky, I think Santa should butt-fuck them for the fun of it.

Sir Tom Eagerly said...

So. Santa is into bestiality. OK, no big surprise.
But the big surprise is that 'many people' ask you to explain how his reindeer can fly!
It could be because of your general image as a sage and all-round wise man OR it could be because you have a throbbing red nose!
Backs to the wall chaps, here comes Santa.

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- Yes, I'm surprised you did not learn of this in Jungle Academy's Class titled "Big Heavy Animals That Have Flown High In The Sky 372" class where this was taught. Those poor Wright Brothers. I fee sorry for them now. Oops... I farted.

According to recent document. Santa's elves have already been fudgepacked to the point of not being able to move. Currently, there is a charity event for these elves to help them heal. Seem's Santa isn't himself these days. Details later.....

Kelly said...

Sir Tom Eagerly- It is truly mind blowing how many people come up to me every other minute of the day to ask me this question. Since the day I was just spermy blob until now, it's just the way of things, I suppose.

When I did my research, I was more than surprised.

'Scuse me while think of other nifty things to say. Details later. Take care and don't forget to "Dance around the Steaming Pile of Cow Droppings". I'll be there!

I'll be there to party like we're in the year 2349... Yayhoo. Don't know if you can make sense of it or not but you will later. Don't forget to wash your hands before making a quick and hasty exit. What? Did you say "lemony"?


Throbbing Red Nose

The Wolf said...

So that's how they can fly. And here I thought they were one of Hitler's wonder weapons intended to win the war by getting reindeer to shit out bombs over London.

And getting shit on by Nazi raindeer does not equal up a holly jolly Christmas.

bazza said...

Hmmmm.... has this 'ancient manuscript' been verified? It was typed was it? Or printed in Verdana or Wingbats?
Call me a sceptic but I can't help being a little bit doubtful.
Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

MartyrMom said...

Well, I never! PETA isn't gonna like this one!

I also was amazed at the many people who asked you this question.

And to be able to type and fart at the same time??? WOW!!

AND the elves?? yes they may have been cheeky but they must be pretty smart since they kept their mouth shut after that!!

Kelly said...

The Wolf- And now you know the truth. And now you're a better man for it and you can sleep easy now. Your welcome.

Btw, your "Hitler Wonder Weapon" theory is not far from wrong. But instead of reindeer, the Nazis used pterodactyls. The reason being; that their shit bombs were bigger, smellier and contained the remains of non-Aryan peoples. It's a little known fact that all people not falling under the supposedly "superior" Aryan race of peoples category were fed regularly to dinosaurs.

Towards the end of WW2, der Führer accidentally walked into a bunker where a T-Rex was waiting for him, inside a closet. In a surprise attack, Hitler was eaten by the dinosaur. The rest is history.

Kelly said...

bazza- Yes, of course, the manuscript has been verified. Everything on this post, and, in fact, this entire blog is chock packed full of nothing but the truth. Btw, Wingbats have been found to be quite tasty when sautéed in a light mushroom/sweet brandy cream sauce.

Doubt me no more, Bazza, and thou shall be enlightened!

Kelly said...

MarytrMom- Type and fart? Yes, I am THAT multi-talented. The elves kept their mouths shut, for the most part. Except Chauncy. He demanded to be butt fucked by St. Nick or else he would leave.

At first, I was amazed at how many people asked me this question, but then, after eating some of those reindeer shrooms, it all made sense.

klahanie said...

Hey man,
Well I'm convinced reindeer can fly. And anything on the BBC has gotta have some truth in it.
I'm off to Norway to drink me so reindeer piss? That'll do it for me.
And how do you scare a reindeer?
Just say 'cariboo'...
Have a good weekend and far out dude.

Kelly said...

klahanie- And who wouldn't be convinced they could fly after reading this informative post and watching the clip?

While you're in Norway, send some magical reindeer pee my way. No substitutes, please. I'll let my good buddy Steve try it out first to see if he can fly, afterwards. If he just throws up until he dry heaves, then I'll know it's not authentic. (singing) Because that's what friends are for.

'Cariboo', eh? lol. Hope you're feeling better and have a good weekend, yourself.

Static said...

This is one of those moments when I question your knowledge on a subject as elusive as Santa Claus. Please don't tell me Santa really did all those things.

Kelly said...

Never question the great and wise Kelly! He knoweth all, see-eth all and strokes himself early on Tuesdays, just for luck.

And yes... yes, Old St. Prick (I mean Nick) really did do all those things and more. Just ask the president!

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