A man is waiting in the hospital for his wife to give labor when the doctor walks up to him, all excited.
Doctor: Sir you have to see this, your son, he is a super hero.
The man is confused by this statement
So the doctor takes him into the nursery and picks up the the mans baby
Doctor: See, he can fly...
The doctor drops the baby. The baby hits the floor and bounces a little bit.
The Man gets all pissed off..
Man: Hey, what the fuck if your problem?
Doctor: NO I ASSURE YOU!! Your baby is a super hero watch, maybe he just needs a head start.
So the doctor picks the baby back up and runs through the nursery and throws the baby. The baby slams right in to the wall head first and lays on the floor.
The man is even more mad now.
Doctor: I don't know why it isn't working maybe he needs to fall further to make his flying abilities work right.
The doctor then Grabs the baby off of the floor and takes it to the window and drops him. The baby falls and lands on the pavement.
The man is beside himself.
Man: I am going to kill you you piece of shit. Why would you do that?
Doctor: No, No, It's ok, It's ok, it was just a joke, It was just a joke... Your baby was a stillborn.
A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.
He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket.
The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing jizz, huh?"
She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."
A teacher asks the class 'what do your fathers work as?'
Little Suzy answers 'my father is a policeman.'
Little Brian answers 'my father is a fire man.'
'What about you Johnny?' asks the teacher.
'My dad is dead miss' answers little johnny.
'I'm sorry to hear that' replies the teacher 'what did he do before he died?'
'He went purple, stopped breathing and pissed and shit himself' replied Johnny.
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because his cock was up the chickens ass.
How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?
Pick him up and suck his dick.
There once was a vampire named Mabel
whose periods ran quite stable;
Every full moon
she'd pull out a spoon
and drink herself under the table.
Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm?
A. He is usually home with the kids!
Q. Why do midgets laugh when they run?
A. Because the grass tickles their balls!
A young couple was talking about them having sex.
"We can do it at my house, oh wait, my parents are going to be home" said the guy.
"Well, my parents are going to be away all week, but I have bunk beds with my little sister" the girl said.
"Thats fine, we'll do it on Saturday, oh, and one more thing, the codes, if you want me to go faster, just say ham, if you want me to go softer, just say turkey" he said.
Saturday night happened, they were on the top bunk, doing it like crazy. The little sister could hear her sister scream out "Ham, turkey, ham, turkey".
Finally the little sister got up and said " I don't know why you guys are making sandwiches, but you're getting mayo all over me!"
There once was a lady named Dot,
Who lived off pig shit and snot,
When she ran out of these, She ate the green cheese,
That she grew on the sides of her twat!