This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Stuff Is Messed Up and My Hands Are, Too

Whether you care for the music of The Offspring or not, you'll have to agree with the message of the lyrics of this song- of which I've provided below the humorous video.

In case you're wondering why I've been putting up so many video posts lately and slacking off with posting new stuff, in general... It's because my hands are "messed up"- my fingers, in particular. I've got these little goddamn blisters on my fingertips from something called Dyshidrotic Eczema. It hurts like fuck to type.



Moving on, I went to the doctor today, for my quarterly glucose testing appointment (for my diabetes), where four vials of blood are sucked out of my hand (not my arm, since they can never find a visible vein there). Anyway, while I was there, I showed him/told him all of my recent maladies which included the tumor on my foot, the rash on my belly and legs and the fact I can't get it up anymore unless I stretch the fucker out and use a goddamn skin splint. Tasty pain! Zippity-Yippity. And if you're thinking I actually use a skin splint on my pecker, you're a goddamn idiot.

So many different little side effects from having diabetes and high blood pressure, so little time on Earth to enjoy them all.

Now, bear in mind, I'm trying to explain all of my latest problems while my blood sugar reading is at 61. I tested my blood before going to the doctor today after taking my pill and plunging a syringe full of insulin into my rashy belly. 61. That's a horribly low reading. A blood sugar reading of 61 causes you to be quite fuzzy in the brain to the point where your speech is slurred and you forget shit and stand a good chance of hitting the floor face first. Luckily, the last one didn't happen.

The reason I had a reading of 61 was because I have to fast for 8-12 hours before glucose testing at the doctor's office, besides having to take my 8 different pills and insulin, in order for them to get an accurate reading. I hate having to explain all of this to you lucky non-diabetic fuckers out there but I will... because, of course, I care a lot.

Even though I didn't fall face first during the doctor visit, I did try to squeeze out a fart waiting for the doctor to come in and accidentally squirt some milk-chocolaty looking shit in my underwear. Do I have good times or what? But it didn't end there. After taking off my shoe and sock for the doctor and explaining all the skin crap going on with me, he walks out and comes back in with a little baggie of hard-on pills and several prescriptions for my skin ailments. After that, I go into the bathroom to clean out my undies and an old fat guy walks in.

He shouts, "Oh! Oh! Oh My!"

I say, "What the fuck?"

He leaves promptly. Yes, that's right. I forgot to lock the goddamn, fucking door.

Why? Because I can not think properly with a blood sugar reading of 61, you lucky non-diabetic fuckers!

I say this with much love, respect and shit. Enjoy the video. My fingers are bleeding.

hooray


all rights to offspring

lyrics:
Now, I don't know and its hard to explain, but it seems like things are just kind of insane because the world is crying but nobodys listening so please leave a message on my cell phone

I see bullets getting better Biblical weather
And the guy on T.V. is like a total asshole
What are you wearing tonight?
Celebrity fundraiser tight Blackties making wrongs right How's your social bandaid?

I don't know much
I don't know too much
But I know this
Shit is fucked up
La, La, La La, La
I guess it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La
I'm telling you
Shit is fucked up

La, La, La La, La
You know it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La

Now thank God for the media
For saving the day
Puting it all into perspective in a responsible way
With more celebrity news Typical bullshit views
I think we're losing this fight sponsored by Bud Light

Now we're rockin' the casbah
And taking the flack
The genie's out of the bottle
And we can't put him back (put him back)
All this stuff
It's overwhelming my brain
Can't you see the storm coming
It's coming this way

And I don't know much
I don't know too much
But I know this
Shit is fucked up

La, La, La La, La
I guess it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La
I'm telling you
Shit is fucked up

La, La, La La, La
You know it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La Justify the means

Shopping Sprees, RPG's
Ecstasy
Atrophy
Genocide
Pimp my ride
Politize
Euphemize
Injustice everywhere
Apathy
I don't care
Hurricanes
Climate change
Huh!

Therapy, I won't tell
Rehab and LOL
Worldwide calamity
TV Reality
Euthanize, supersize
Death squads and boob jobs
VIP infamy
Gratify instantly

I dont know much
I dont know too much
I dont know much
I dont know too much

La, La, La La, La
I guess its all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La
I'm telling you
Shit is fucked up

La, La, La La, La
You know it's all about the dream
La, La, La La, La
The ends justify the means
La, La, La La, La La La
The means, the means

14 comments:

The Wolf said...

I think that video sums up the state of the world nicly it's fucked up. Good to see The Offspring is still putting out fine tunes there one of my favorite bands.

Fuck sounds like you had the bestest time of you're life at the doctors, I hope things improve for you soon. You can always point at laugh at random people as well, that helps my get through the tough days

Dark Slander said...

Wow dude, if you weren't my friend I'd pity you. However as my friend I have to chuckle a little and offer a kind word or seven.

It sucks you're having such a bad go with your aliments. It can't be easy, I really hope some of those issues clear up as quickly as possible.

I'll probably shoot you a few messages throughout the day today to make sure you haven't imploded. (Or taken over a small village with some medieval weaponry... a catapult sounds ideal.. btw)

One of The Guys said...

Dude! Damn!! Sorry to hear about everything that's going on with you.

I know all about the "farting error" you describe and I don't even have diabetes. Now that's messed up.

Even when you're loopy you're still funny, and as long as you keep your sense of humor things will be OK.

Take care of those hands man.

klahanie said...

Hey Kelly,
You are going through one fucked up time. Although I luckily do not have diabetes; I have a good buddy who could relate to the shit (sorry), you have to go through.
Despite all this, you still maintain a goddam healthy sense of humour ('humor' as you Americans spell it).
I got respect for your outlook, big time. I hope your hands get better, real soon. Cheers, Gary:-)

Crazy Brunette said...

I FUCKING LOVE Offspring!!!!

The hand picture was DISGUSTING by the way, knowing you, that is surely why you posted it!!!

Mr. Stupid said...

Sorry to hear about all that you're going through. Hope those blisters on your hand cure quick.
BTW, that video's really funny!:)

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Yes, it does sum it up nicely. The Offspring is one of my faves, too. And thanks for hoping my ailments clear up. The doc said the tumor on my foot looks benign so that's a bit of good news.

The end of my day was topped off with a visitation to see a dead person I hardly knew. In summary of that: Long lines. Hot inside the funeral parlor. People I saw but rather not see. Memories of my own mother's visitation. And more. Anyway, I did it for the daughter of the old man who died. I've known her for decades. She's my hair cutter. After paying my respects, we came home and watched "Minute To Win It"-- A goofy game show here in the U.S. It took my mind off of things.

I'm still contemplating about going on a delightfully cheery killing spree. But then I would either be killed, thrown in jail or something and I don't want to jeopardize my cruise trip this summer in any way so that's out of the question.

Now, after the cruise, I plan on killing everyone in sight. Then make fun of them. Can I get a blistery, pus-filled thumbs up on that plan?

Kelly said...

Dark Slander- Thanks for the chuckles and well-wishing. That was my intention. The chuckles, that is. If you can't laugh at your tragicomic life, what else can ya do? Crying don't help. Just a waste of kleenexes- that should be used for snot and ear wax.

I'll use your catapult to kill people idea after my cruise is done and over with. Gotta have your priorities, don'tcha-know!

Kelly said...

One Of The Guys- Thanks Guy. Yeah, I think everybody has had one of those farting errors happen to them before. I'm just nice enough to SHARE my experiences with the phenomenom with everyone in full detail.

Generous, I am. Loopyness is thy game. I will, indeed, do what I can for my hands. Thanks! No more jacking off for a while, I'm afraid. Doesn't do much good anyway... so sad.

Take care. While writing this, I was listening to your latest podcast and had a laugh.

Kelly said...

klahanie- My old friend, "Gary From The North". That's your latest alias. You have so many. Thought I'd add to your mix, you crazy bastard! You, also, are quite HUMOROUS. Not to mention kind for well-wishing. Laugh and the world sometimes laughs with you and shit. And if they don't, fuck 'em.

If you read my comment to Wolf's comment, you'll find I ended my day, yesterday in a warped, appropriate way. By the way, the daughter of the dead man had this to say, when we walked up to her during the visitation, with her dead dad beside her in a coffin...

"Gee this is fun isn't it? But then, you know all about that, huh?" Then she laughed and continued socializing, jibber-jabbering and laughing with everyone like she was at a party.

And they say I'm fucked up.

Thanks for wishing me well, friend. I'll be catching up with you and everyone at their blogs soon. By the way, is it okay if I fart and jack off, simultaneously, at the Wee Folk's Wedding when I cuummmmm??? That would be a neat trick, aye? Plus, it would have just as much meaning as this psycho carnival on Earth that we all experience every day.

La
la la lal alal ala...etc.. Take care, Gary!

Kelly said...

Crazy Brunette- Me love Offspring, tooooooo. Me so happy you enjoyed picture. Me was certainly thinking of putting it up just to "disgust" YOU!!!. Either that or I put the picture up to show everyone what exactly Dyshidrotic Eczema looked like BEACUSE MOST PEOPLE WOULD KNOW WHAT THE FUCK i was talkin' about. :-) You choose... Choose wisely. Heh eh ehehheh.

Ah, well. Take care, Crazy B. See ya soon at the blog.

Kelly said...

Mr. Stupid- You dropeed by at just the right fuckin' time. I've lost my mind completely, along with a quart of blood from my fingertips. Joy Ahoy, matey!!!

Thanks for wishing me well and I'm glad ya liked the video. Sez much about the world, agree?

klahanie said...

Hi there,
Yes, it's 'Gary From The North', here. Where the fuck am I?
Oh yes. Lets add some color or colour to the goddam proceedings:-)
Buddy you can cum, fart, shit, rub strange lotions in your belly button while singing, 'Jeremiah was a bullfrog...as you stand there in front of the 'wee folks' wedding, stark fucking naked...
Now you really would liven up the wedding of the summer.
All the best and keep on truckin',
Respect and wad of nose droppings, your way, Gary :-)

Kelly said...

Howdy Ho, again, Gary. Thanks for the permission to debase myself at the wedding proceedings. If, by strange lotions, you mean my very own penis squeezins, I'm there, dude. lol. Now... I'm off to your site for comment duties. Fair warning. :-)

Related Posts with Thumbnails

  © Blogger template ProBlogger Template by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008

Back to TOP