This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Melancholy Roller Coaster Ride

WARNING: The following post will not contain much cheeriness, weirdness, excitement, humor or depravity. It will, however, contain gloominess, discoveries, introspection and a happy ending. Sound like fun? And by "happy ending", I do not mean hand job.

If you can handle the above, read on. If ya can't, hit the road and sing "Zippity-Fuckin'- Doo- Dah" until you get plowed down and crushed by a semi-truck.

Eh, just kidding. No, I'm not. Now Kelly, if somebody doesn't want to read about some asshole's recent, boring bout of depression and they would rather move on to some other asshole's overly perky, happy-go-fuckin'-lucky, somewhat superficial blogger's blog, then that's their damn business.

Ah, now I'm talking to myself again. Great. Then I'll answer myself, next, shouting loudly. Not only does this freak the cats out but this type of behavior allows me to be a big hit at parties.

As I've mentioned before, this blog acts as part of my therapy. I sometimes write negative shit down (feelings) and throw it up on Psycho Carnival as a way of getting rid of those bad thoughts that have been weighing me down. Most of the time, it gives me relief.

I've been struggling with the idea of posting this nasty shit swirling about in my mind for as long as I've been feeling deeply depressed- which has been almost a month. I've been struggling with this-not because I cared so much about turning certain readers off with my onslaught of depressing thoughts, but because, in a way, when you write down that stuff, you're kinda reliving it in your head again.

But, then again, writing it down acts a release valve most of the time so- we'll see how this goes.

The only reason I'm able to convey my thoughts NOW, at last, is because I had my first decent day (two days ago) in awhile. It gave me the push forward I needed from this morass of depression. Eventually, I'll get to that. Hang with me, friends.

3 things have put me on The Melancholy Roller Coaster Ride. Here they are:

Friends To The North

For nearly 30 years, I've known these friends. We were a close tight-knit group for twenty of those years. We grew up together in the same strung-together small towns. We're in our mid to late forties now. One of them saved me from drowning at Lake Michigan. Of course, I'm forever in his debt for that and for being kind enough to say the words I wrote for my mother's funeral.

But...

For the last several years, the distance of a hundred miles between those friends and I has been easily overshadowed by the emotional distance of our relationships. Gone are the days of visits, emails and any other type of communicating. I've asked them to come down for a visit numerous times but I'm either offered one excuse after another (usually, that they're busy) or no response at all. I'm tired of trying. Plus, it's insulting. One day out of the year, maybe, I'll see them at my sister's place (she's friends with them, too) and each of those times, the experiences of the visit are filled with awkward silence or conversation of the most brain-dead, mundane and even negative kind.

When I attempt to bring a little humor into the mix, I'm given glares of contempt or looks of misunderstanding. There was a long period in our lives when we had great times together, having positive, humorous talks around the campfire, drinking, partying, singing, camping out and having a blast.

Not anymore.

Some of you reading this might conclude this is because we've grown up or grown older. This isn't the true reason we've grown apart. Even for folks who are in their forties, it is still very possible to have a good time and interesting conversations with those folks in my age group.

Another thing that bothers me on a personal level is this: Even though I've emailed these Northern friends about my blog, along with the site address, off and on, for the last 3 years- not one of them has made a comment either on the site or in an email to me. That, I don't get. That too, is insulting and hurtful. I've asked them to share their thoughts with me on any topic I've written about or to at least go to the site to just have a look and I get no response on any of it.

I have no fear of any of them seeing what I'm writing here because I know for a fact that none of my friends check out Psycho Carnival. It feels like a slap in my face, whether it's meant to be that way or not.

Friends That Live In My Area

During my depression periods, it seems that it's hardly ever one thing that gets me down in this hopeless morass of thoughts. Instead, it's usually a combination of things.

I've known the few friends I have left around here for as long as the ones that live up north. In fact, we were all part of the same group of 12 people. The friends around here are more needy, less self sufficient and don't do much or anything to improve their poor and severely lacking situation in life. Several of these people are still leeching money and anything else you can imagine from their parents in this late stage in life. Pathetic.

One friend, Marty, refuses to do any physical therapy to help with his fight against MS (Multiple Sclerosis). He was diagnosed with MS about six years ago. Unfortunately, this old friend has simply given up and says he doesn't care if he lives or not. He's perfectly content to allow the few people (including his bitch-wife) in his house to take care of his every need. Sometimes she does. Sometimes not. Either way, I've never seen him help himself in life, even before his medical condition.

Marty also refuses to confront his wife about her ongoing tradition of keeping him from seeing his friends- me or anyone else- doesn't matter to her. He admits that she does this because she is jealous that he has friends and she does not. He accepts this like a fool without balls and that pisses me off.

This woman, who controls who he can see, recently threatened my wife and I when we attempted to pick him up and have him over at our place for a few hours of something he is not accustomed to- which would be peace and a non negative environment that is both roach-free and bitch-free. His wife suddenly snuck up on me and threatened me while I was trying to help Marty in our truck a month ago. Since I suffer from hypertension and anxiety disorder, as well as Major Depression, this sudden act freaked the fuck out of me, to put it bluntly.

After threatening me on the street in front of the entire neighborhood, she continued screaming at the three of us, ranting and not making any sense. This wife of his, that I've known for years, suffers from extreme low self esteem and anger issues, needs to be put into a mental institution.

For real.

His crazy bitch of a wife has pulled this same insane act on a lot of people besides me and it doesn't matter if she's on a busy street, or a restaurant or any other public place when she's doing it. She doesn't keep him from his friends because she's afraid they won't take care of him while he's with them. She does it because she's insecure, jealous and fucking nuts. Marty, when I do see him, complains about her almost constantly but still refuses to confront her.

Is he afraid of her? That may be some of it. But to me, he has given up on his happiness and really- himself.

This and the discontinuation of seeing my old friend, Marty, has gotten me down, also. Although, he has many faults, he can be fun to be around. But with him, just like the others, he's incredibly negative. Some of that, I understand with him because of his medical condition. But most of the time, he's just that way about everything.

Another friend of mine also refuses to help himself. He won't get his driver's license and he won't get a car. Dave, if you're reading this... and I know you're not, of course, would you please get a fucking job, move out of your parent's place, get a girlfriend and get a real goddamn life instead of sitting at home and playing video games at the age of thirty? Picking your ass up every time I want to see you, at my expense, is and has been getting old for the last ten years. Stop being dependent on everyone!

Yet another friend that lives close by is crazy, too. For real. But at least he's not always negative. Him, I can tolerate. Sometimes, he can be supportive. And he's not a leech. His main fault is being super critical of anything he personally doesn't do or think. Sadly, he's the best of the lot.

Surrounded By Negative People

My immediate family, those few that are still alive, bring up negative news or views almost constantly when I'm around them. My Aunt Kay is the exception to this and she can hardly walk or move due to brain aneurysms, strokes and a car wreck. You would think she would have a negative attitude, as well, but it's not the case. My family's negativity is annoying in the least and debilitating at the most. If you're surrounded by only negative people all the time, it's hard for someone like me, with Major Depressive disorder, to be able to keep your head above the emotional waters. If it weren't for my therapist, psychiatrist and the affection and company of my two cats, not to mention my own strength, I never would have made it out of the abyss I was kept in for years by my depression and guilt over my mother's death.

Speaking of my mother's death, the days leading to Mother's Day were full of dread because Mother's Day for me serves as a reminder that she's gone. She was the glue that held the family together. She showed she cared by listening, loving, giving and being there when you needed her, no matter what. Mom had a great twisted sense of humor and was truly fun to be around. In a heartbeat, she could lift your spirits. No one can take her place. And I can't say I haven't thought about joining her. But, I refuse to give in and I continue to fight the good fight, no matter how much negativity I'm surrounded by.

Finally, Something Positive

Two things, actually. First, my sister finally found the will that mom had made out a few years before she passed. We've been looking for this for five years, ever since she died. My sister found it on Mother's Day, this last Sunday, in an old cardboard box beneath a bunch of stuff in her old room at Mom and Dad's place. She was trying to get a hold of me on the phone when I just happen to pop in to help her and Dad clean up the house. Dad's trying to sell the place and wants it to look decent for potential buyers.

It was great seeing Mom's handwriting again and how much care and thought she put into the will, making sure things were to be distributed fairly and the things that meant the most to a certain person, went to that person.

I also went fishing with my crazy friend, Steve, Monday. We had meaningful, fun conversations and we caught a freakin' boatload of fish. Mostly, Large mouth Bass. He only caught three. I, on the other hand, caught about a bazillion- because I'm just that fuckin' great a fisherman. Heh heh. Really, I am. Even with the glowing red sunburn I got on the back of my neck while fishing didn't compare to the generally positive atmosphere of the day.

These last 2 things gave me the push forward and upward emotional boost I needed. After this, I was ready to get off The Melancholy Roller Coaster Ride.

If you've read this far and accepted the post for what it is, I thank you for doing that much. The rest of you are cordially invited to go fuck yourselves.

See? I'm back to my same old charming and witty self, at last.

Take care. And remember, anytime you want to talk about whatever crap you're going through, I'm your friend. I know what it's like going through rough times and fighting to be in the realm of the content and living.

22 comments:

bazza said...

Kelly, this was a very brave and self-revealing post.
Incidentally, I have friends who read my blog regularly but never post comments; I don't think it means anything.
It's hard to know what happened with your 'northern' freinds. It reads as if someone has spread some untruth about you, possibly out of jealousy.
It is often easier to speak to a stranger than someone close to you so I am sure your blogging contacts will be supportive but some people find anything to do with mental health issues embarrassing and may mot comment.
It was very generous of you to offer to talk about anyone's 'crap' they are going through when you have your own problems. Good luck and I wish you well.

Mr. Stupid said...

This post made me really sad, Kelly. I have always loved the charming, funny man you are. Its good to know you're back to that in the end...:)

You don't need such friends. Those who don't respect you and care less to even say a Hi. Maybe, things have changed in them and they are no longer those best buddies.

There are still many wonderful people around you and I am sure they will have you smiling all the time.

And, I will always be there to say a Hello to you. What if those people never visit your Blog? I will be here ever time...:)

(Though, the last post was a bit un-commentable in my case)
Take care!

One of The Guys said...

Kelly,
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Hang in there. Hey, at least your blogging buddies are pretty solid. Right??? Crickets.....

Anyway, it might be time to start surrounding yourself with more positive uplifting people. These negative people THE GUYS have coined as Eeyores. You don't need that shit in your life. It's not worth it. And if you're friend is too much of a "blank" to stand up to his wife then screw him. Or just lower your expectations of people. That's damn hard to do because you're a passionate guy. Sorry, now I'm going to start sounding all gay.

Later my man!

Sir Tom Eagerly said...

Kelly, when I was young I found it hard to make friends so I invented a couple of imaginary ones.
One day they ganged up together and wouldn't speak to me any more!
Seriously though, old boy, one questions how much you need people like that.
You know what I say?
Let the buggers go! You can never go back to the past, so move on.
Every new day is a new beginning. (Oh dear, am I sounding gay as well. Ah well, Kelly, live and let live, eh?)

Kelly said...

bazza- Thanks for being supportive and giving your honest opinions. You're a good guy. Just one of the reasons I added you to the blogroll, recently. I'm not sure if anyone up north has been spreading lies about me. Thanks for adding to my paranoia, damn it. Ha ha. Just kidding, man.

No, I think these "friends?" have changed drastically over the years and dwell entirely in their own little mundane world. I wish they would give a shit about making contact with old friends like Me, Marty and the rest but... oh well... I can't do much about it. Time to push forward- even if it's one tiny step at a time.

Take care, bazza.

Kelly said...

Mr. Stupid- You're right, dude. Who needs friends that obviously don't give a shit about you. All the years I was suffering with Major Depression, due to Mom's death and my guilt for not getting there in time to possibly save her, none of these "friends" bothered to ask how I was doing. That, I don't understand. If I had friend lose someone they were close to, I would be calling them up everyday to, at the very least, listen to what they had to say.

Isn't it odd that blog friends, such as yourself, have more of an interest in my well being than the "friends?" I can actually see and have known for so long???

Thanks for being there for me and caring enough to comment on my posts, dude. Take care!

The Wolf said...

I'm glad you wrote this post, I can only imagine how hard it must have been to as well. I know exactly how you feel about you're northern freinds, I had a very close freind of mine just up and vanish on me about 4 years ago, wouldn't return my calls, emails or anything to this day I don't know why he was like a brother to me and it still hurts.

As for depression I know about that all to well so I totally understand what it's like to go through what you're going through since I'm doign what I can to keep myself going, for those lucky to never have had to deal with this sort of thing IT'S THE HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH.

You've got a freind of here in the great white north if you ever need to talk about anything..I'll even let you use my dog sled to catch seals :)

Kelly said...

One of The Guys- How in the hell did all this cat hair get on my freakin' keyboard? Jesus Christ on a graham cracker!

And yes, my blogging buddies, such as yourself, are pretty solid and downright cool. Crickets? What? lol

Yeah, I need to really start on getting some better quality friends. Maybe join an organization or club or something. I'm not much of a joiner, though. I find most people are too bland and vanilla. And most assholes find me odd because I would rather not talk about the same old boring topics, such as- sports, the weather, my kids got an A, mowing the lawn and so forth. I know. I'm a picky bastard. :-)

"Eeyores" is a good name for negative folks like you described. "Life Suckers" could be one, too... Because when you're around them, you feel like they're sucking the vitality right from your heart and soul. I agree with you on Marty, too. So true.

Take care, man and thanks for responding to my depressing post. :) Glad it didn't scare you away.

Kelly said...

Sir Tom- Thanks for your funny comment. Imaginary friends, aye? When I was a kid, I used to talk to an apple tree and my cat. Ha! Beat you! The reason I talked to a tree and a cat was because we lived pretty far from the rest of civilization. No one around except the little dumbasses that lived down the gravel road that engaged in acts of beastiality.

Anyway, you need to get a blog and I need to move on. You're right. You're also right about needing people like that in my life. I don't. Especially, with my mental condition.

Unfortunately, my damned depression keeps me in a bind, sometimes, for too long. But when I break free... LOOK OUT!

Take care, man.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Yeah, it was a bitch deciding whether or not to post these feeling I've been having for so long. And I understand completely about your friend who upped and vanished without communicating at all. I had a friend like that. We were like brothers, too. I knew him since high school. At least, I thought I knew him.

Major Depressive Disorder, like you and I suffer from, is one of the most misunderstood conditions that anyone can have. Some people avoid confronting it or talking about it. I think it's a taboo topic in this fucked up society. And there are no quick fixes for it. Medication and therapy act little more than bandaids on a gaping gash in your mind and spirit. And it is "one of the most hardest things that anyone can go through."

Thanks for the offer to come up and use your dog sled to catch seals. :-) So what do I do once I catch them? Can I cook 'em on my new grill?

Thanks for commenting, dude. Take care.

The Wolf said...

Sure you can grill them on that fancy new grill of yours, they have lots of blubber though so it might get messy, but at least the pelts are nice and soft. Of course you could always opt for a Quebecuois breakfast of pop tarts and ketchup

Crazy Brunette said...

Hey... Go fuck yourself too!

Oh wait! That was just for the people who didn't finish reading???? Oh well, I wanted to tell SOMEONE the fuck themselves today!!!!

None of my friends read my blog either! Only my blogging friends. I know what you mean. I don't like to let it get to me. But it pisses me off regardless!

I heart you asshole!!!

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Oh boy! I can't wait to make a blubbery seal mess on my new grill. I'm bettin' that would be fun to clean out. I'll give you Marty's redneck skank-bitch of a wife if you do the cleaning for me. Bonus: She almost always has a yeast infection going on in her nether regions, according to Marty. So- she's easy cheesy. 3 cheers!

"Quebecuois breakfast of pop tarts and ketchup?" Ah, the ways of the Canadians are strange, indeed. Gee, why can't everyone be "normal" like me. lol.

Kelly said...

Crazy Brunette- Isn't it nice to tell somebody to go fuck themselves every once in awhile? I think it should be a standard part of our every day greeting to one another in our society. To hell with saying "Hello" or "Have a nice day" or some other worthless crap. Just say "Go Fuck Thyself", instead.

Anyhooo... I'm glad to see you were thoughtful enough to read this post and comment. You're a good girl. I mean woman. I mean "blog slut". ;-) Yes, I read your post.

I'm also, sort of, glad to hear that you and I are in the same boat when it comes to asshole friends that don't bother to comment or read your blog.

Love ya. Take care. Go fuck thyself. And peace be with you, always. Wink!

Qelqoth (who incidentally, loves titties) said...

If I was able to, I'd happily drag you out to a titty bar and buy you a few beers. And maybe some titties. Okay, maybe I'll buy myself some titties but you'll enjoy the beer. Seriously though - most of what you described are called "fair weather friends"; they're there when they need something and gone when they don't. Fuck 'em.

klahanie said...

Hey Kelly,
Wow, that was a powerful and deeply transparent posting you submitted.
We both know the therapeutic value of writing and getting it 'out there'.
I learnt to distance myself from a negative environment. Negative situations caused by folks trying to sabotage my right to a happy and peaceful life, have been removed. I needed to do this for my own mental health well being.
You have clearly demonstrated that even with the negative bull shit, you embrace all the good stuff in your life. I commend you for having the balls to tell it like it is.
I can relate to a lot of what you note here. Most of my friends and family do not comment or read my blog. That kinda' hurts but I find comfort in knowing that good, decent folks like you take the time to interact.
Kelly, let me pass on one very powerful gift to you. The gift of empathy. With respect and admiration, your buddy, Gary :-)

The Queen said...

Kelly, I actually read it all the way through. I had to stop,, and refill my gin a couple times.. but I read it... and all I can say is..

FREAKING HOLY SHIT! IT'S MY LIFE...


except without the shitty friends.. or the crazy wife of the dude.. or the depression...

but other than that.. you just wrote my life story..

come on over dude... we are serving drinks to the guest at the castle.. and bad friends to the gators... so.. stop on over..

found you through the Crazy Brunette.. she's my new daughter.. She wants the beertab crown from the Pirncess..

Hang in there!!

Static said...

And here I was..hoping for a hand job.

Oh well.

People change. They either grow or don't grow, and if they do grow, sometimes they grow apart. And sometimes they grow too fucking big for their britches. You're lucky if you have a few close friends in life.

Kelly said...

Qelqoth (the man who loves titties)- wow. That's nice of you to offer, man. I appreciate it. If you buy me some titties, I'll see if I can get Fred Savage to sodomize you with a Nintendo Power Glove again.

Gee, I haven't been to a titty bar for awhile. It's probably been about 7 or 8 years now. Lap dances were $10 then. God only knows the going rate nowadays.

But yeah, you're right about the "fair weather friends" comment. Even though we go back about 3 decades, it's probably time to cut my losses and try to meet new people to possibly be friends with. I hate that I have to be that way but it's for the good of my own mental health.

Take care, man. Thanks for commenting on this.

Kelly said...

klahanie- Hey Gary, thanks for the compliments. I appreciate them. Especially when you said, "You have clearly demonstrated that even with the negative bull shit, you embrace all the good stuff in your life. I commend you for having the balls to tell it like it is."

Yeah, I wish I could distance myself completely from all the negative folks around me. With the "friends"- I can do that. But not with the family.

Gotta take care of my Dad, who is almost always negative. He is suffering with Vascular Dementia and depression and I gotta confer with my sister about his finances and well being. Very soon, we have to tell him he can't drive anymore. This will be a crushing blow to him because he loves to drive every day. I gaurantee he'll be verbally abusive when we give him that news. Unfortunately, his doctor is the one forcing this down our throats.

So you have friends that don't read your blog, too. There's something fucked up about that, isn't there? Crazy Brunette said the same thing about her friends. Oh well, you can count on me to read and comment. I'm very supportive. And it's great to know, from what I've read of the comments on this post, that my bloggy pals are supportive, too.

Thanks, Gary. You are a good friend. Take care.

Kelly said...

The Queen- Hi there and welcome to my blog. Hope your gin was tasty and did the trick for ya. *hic... mmmm :-) Too bad your first time here had to be on a mostly bleak as fuck post.

Tune in next time. I promise it will be more of a knee slapper or a kick to the groin whacker. Hell, that doesn't even make any sense. My mind is going, going gone.

Ha ha. Your life story, except for the depressing bits, aye? :-)

So you found me through that Crazy Ass Brunette, aye? She's a trip, isn't she? I'll have to tease her about that beertab crown.

I'll be over at your site tomorrow, for sure. It's 2:30 a.m. and I gotta hit the sack. Thanks for commenting. See ya later.

Kelly said...

Static- Sorry. No hand jobs to be found at this fine, wholesome establishment. I can, however, let you fist my cat for a bag of Cheeseburger Doritos.

Yep. People do change, sometimes- For better or for worse. It's a matter of perspective, really. In this case, I'd say it was the latter of the two.

Take care, Static. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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