WARNING: The following post will not contain much cheeriness, weirdness, excitement, humor or depravity. It will, however, contain gloominess, discoveries, introspection and a happy ending. Sound like fun? And by "happy ending", I do not mean hand job.
If you can handle the above, read on. If ya can't, hit the road and sing "Zippity-Fuckin'- Doo- Dah" until you get plowed down and crushed by a semi-truck.
Eh, just kidding. No, I'm not. Now Kelly, if somebody doesn't want to read about some asshole's recent, boring bout of depression and they would rather move on to some other asshole's overly perky, happy-go-fuckin'-lucky, somewhat superficial blogger's blog, then that's their damn business.
Ah, now I'm talking to myself again. Great. Then I'll answer myself, next, shouting loudly. Not only does this freak the cats out but this type of behavior allows me to be a big hit at parties.
As I've mentioned before, this blog acts as part of my therapy. I sometimes write negative shit down (feelings) and throw it up on Psycho Carnival as a way of getting rid of those bad thoughts that have been weighing me down. Most of the time, it gives me relief.
I've been struggling with the idea of posting this nasty shit swirling about in my mind for as long as I've been feeling deeply depressed- which has been almost a month. I've been struggling with this-not because I cared so much about turning certain readers off with my onslaught of depressing thoughts, but because, in a way, when you write down that stuff, you're kinda reliving it in your head again.
But, then again, writing it down acts a release valve most of the time so- we'll see how this goes.
The only reason I'm able to convey my thoughts NOW, at last, is because I had my first decent day (two days ago) in awhile. It gave me the push forward I needed from this morass of depression. Eventually, I'll get to that. Hang with me, friends.
3 things have put me on The Melancholy Roller Coaster Ride. Here they are:
Friends To The North
For nearly 30 years, I've known these friends. We were a close tight-knit group for twenty of those years. We grew up together in the same strung-together small towns. We're in our mid to late forties now. One of them saved me from drowning at Lake Michigan. Of course, I'm forever in his debt for that and for being kind enough to say the words I wrote for my mother's funeral.
For the last several years, the distance of a hundred miles between those friends and I has been easily overshadowed by the emotional distance of our relationships. Gone are the days of visits, emails and any other type of communicating. I've asked them to come down for a visit numerous times but I'm either offered one excuse after another (usually, that they're busy) or no response at all. I'm tired of trying. Plus, it's insulting. One day out of the year, maybe, I'll see them at my sister's place (she's friends with them, too) and each of those times, the experiences of the visit are filled with awkward silence or conversation of the most brain-dead, mundane and even negative kind.
When I attempt to bring a little humor into the mix, I'm given glares of contempt or looks of misunderstanding. There was a long period in our lives when we had great times together, having positive, humorous talks around the campfire, drinking, partying, singing, camping out and having a blast.
Some of you reading this might conclude this is because we've grown up or grown older. This isn't the true reason we've grown apart. Even for folks who are in their forties, it is still very possible to have a good time and interesting conversations with those folks in my age group.
Another thing that bothers me on a personal level is this: Even though I've emailed these Northern friends about my blog, along with the site address, off and on, for the last 3 years- not one of them has made a comment either on the site or in an email to me. That, I don't get. That too, is insulting and hurtful. I've asked them to share their thoughts with me on any topic I've written about or to at least go to the site to just have a look and I get no response on any of it.
I have no fear of any of them seeing what I'm writing here because I know for a fact that none of my friends check out Psycho Carnival. It feels like a slap in my face, whether it's meant to be that way or not.
Friends That Live In My Area
During my depression periods, it seems that it's hardly ever one thing that gets me down in this hopeless morass of thoughts. Instead, it's usually a combination of things.
I've known the few friends I have left around here for as long as the ones that live up north. In fact, we were all part of the same group of 12 people. The friends around here are more needy, less self sufficient and don't do much or anything to improve their poor and severely lacking situation in life. Several of these people are still leeching money and anything else you can imagine from their parents in this late stage in life. Pathetic.
One friend, Marty, refuses to do any physical therapy to help with his fight against MS (Multiple Sclerosis). He was diagnosed with MS about six years ago. Unfortunately, this old friend has simply given up and says he doesn't care if he lives or not. He's perfectly content to allow the few people (including his bitch-wife) in his house to take care of his every need. Sometimes she does. Sometimes not. Either way, I've never seen him help himself in life, even before his medical condition.
Marty also refuses to confront his wife about her ongoing tradition of keeping him from seeing his friends- me or anyone else- doesn't matter to her. He admits that she does this because she is jealous that he has friends and she does not. He accepts this like a fool without balls and that pisses me off.
This woman, who controls who he can see, recently threatened my wife and I when we attempted to pick him up and have him over at our place for a few hours of something he is not accustomed to- which would be peace and a non negative environment that is both roach-free and bitch-free. His wife suddenly snuck up on me and threatened me while I was trying to help Marty in our truck a month ago. Since I suffer from hypertension and anxiety disorder, as well as Major Depression, this sudden act freaked the fuck out of me, to put it bluntly.
After threatening me on the street in front of the entire neighborhood, she continued screaming at the three of us, ranting and not making any sense. This wife of his, that I've known for years, suffers from extreme low self esteem and anger issues, needs to be put into a mental institution.
His crazy bitch of a wife has pulled this same insane act on a lot of people besides me and it doesn't matter if she's on a busy street, or a restaurant or any other public place when she's doing it. She doesn't keep him from his friends because she's afraid they won't take care of him while he's with them. She does it because she's insecure, jealous and fucking nuts. Marty, when I do see him, complains about her almost constantly but still refuses to confront her.
Is he afraid of her? That may be some of it. But to me, he has given up on his happiness and really- himself.
This and the discontinuation of seeing my old friend, Marty, has gotten me down, also. Although, he has many faults, he can be fun to be around. But with him, just like the others, he's incredibly negative. Some of that, I understand with him because of his medical condition. But most of the time, he's just that way about everything.
Another friend of mine also refuses to help himself. He won't get his driver's license and he won't get a car. Dave, if you're reading this... and I know you're not, of course, would you please get a fucking job, move out of your parent's place, get a girlfriend and get a real goddamn life instead of sitting at home and playing video games at the age of thirty? Picking your ass up every time I want to see you, at my expense, is and has been getting old for the last ten years. Stop being dependent on everyone!
Yet another friend that lives close by is crazy, too. For real. But at least he's not always negative. Him, I can tolerate. Sometimes, he can be supportive. And he's not a leech. His main fault is being super critical of anything he personally doesn't do or think. Sadly, he's the best of the lot.
Surrounded By Negative People
My immediate family, those few that are still alive, bring up negative news or views almost constantly when I'm around them. My Aunt Kay is the exception to this and she can hardly walk or move due to brain aneurysms, strokes and a car wreck. You would think she would have a negative attitude, as well, but it's not the case. My family's negativity is annoying in the least and debilitating at the most. If you're surrounded by only negative people all the time, it's hard for someone like me, with Major Depressive disorder, to be able to keep your head above the emotional waters. If it weren't for my therapist, psychiatrist and the affection and company of my two cats, not to mention my own strength, I never would have made it out of the abyss I was kept in for years by my depression and guilt over my mother's death.
Speaking of my mother's death, the days leading to Mother's Day were full of dread because Mother's Day for me serves as a reminder that she's gone. She was the glue that held the family together. She showed she cared by listening, loving, giving and being there when you needed her, no matter what. Mom had a great twisted sense of humor and was truly fun to be around. In a heartbeat, she could lift your spirits. No one can take her place. And I can't say I haven't thought about joining her. But, I refuse to give in and I continue to fight the good fight, no matter how much negativity I'm surrounded by.
Finally, Something Positive
Two things, actually. First, my sister finally found the will that mom had made out a few years before she passed. We've been looking for this for five years, ever since she died. My sister found it on Mother's Day, this last Sunday, in an old cardboard box beneath a bunch of stuff in her old room at Mom and Dad's place. She was trying to get a hold of me on the phone when I just happen to pop in to help her and Dad clean up the house. Dad's trying to sell the place and wants it to look decent for potential buyers.
It was great seeing Mom's handwriting again and how much care and thought she put into the will, making sure things were to be distributed fairly and the things that meant the most to a certain person, went to that person.
I also went fishing with my crazy friend, Steve, Monday. We had meaningful, fun conversations and we caught a freakin' boatload of fish. Mostly, Large mouth Bass. He only caught three. I, on the other hand, caught about a bazillion- because I'm just that fuckin' great a fisherman. Heh heh. Really, I am. Even with the glowing red sunburn I got on the back of my neck while fishing didn't compare to the generally positive atmosphere of the day.
These last 2 things gave me the push forward and upward emotional boost I needed. After this, I was ready to get off The Melancholy Roller Coaster Ride.
If you've read this far and accepted the post for what it is, I thank you for doing that much. The rest of you are cordially invited to go fuck yourselves.
See? I'm back to my same old charming and witty self, at last.
Take care. And remember, anytime you want to talk about whatever crap you're going through, I'm your friend. I know what it's like going through rough times and fighting to be in the realm of the content and living.
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