This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Monday, May 31, 2010

Your Favorite Nursery Rhymes

All Around The Mulberry Bush

All around the mulberry bush
I decided to chase a weasel
This monkey thought 'twas all in fun
When he tore off the head of the weasel

A penny for a mule's head
A penny for a weasel's
That's the way the economy is
Goddamn regular gas is so high right now
Might as well be using diesel

Up and down the Shitty Road I go
I'm pumping in and out of the weasel
Couldn't find a ho to give me a blow
Now Pop! goes the weasel

Higglety Pigglety

Higglety, pigglety, my friend Gwen
This bitch spreads her slop hole for all the goddamn men
Gentlemen come every day
To see how many my friend Gwen doth lay
Sometimes nine, and sometimes ten
Higglety, pigglety, my friend Gwen


Come To The Window

Come to the window
My baby, with me
And look at the stars
That shine on the sea!
Break out the bong
We'll sing a song
I'll bend you over
And ram in my schlong
I see two little fish
Far down in the deep
I see lots of things now
This is
good creep weed
Cry "Neap, neap, neap
Have no fucking reason why
Latch your hands onto that window sill
As I cream your sweet cherry pie

Diddle Diddle Dumpling

Diddle, diddle, dumpling
My retarded son, John
Went to bed
With his trousers on
So I went into his room
Dent his head in with a broom
Diddle, diddle dumpling
John's now in a tomb

Fee Fie Foe Fum

Fee Fie Foe Fuck
I smell the odor of an English schmuck
Be he 'live, or be he dead,
I'll grind his cojones and run him over with my truck

I Love Little Pussy

I love a little pussy
Especially when it's wet
And if I don't hurt her
She won't be a threat
So I'll not pull on her clit
Nor make her take any abusive shit
And that little pussy of hers
Very gently, I will hit

Georgie Porgie

Georgie Porgie, puddin' and pie
Kissed the boys and made the peter puffers cry
When the boys came out of the closet
All happy and gay
Georgie Porgie attacked them from behind
Put a bag over their heads
And had all of them filleted

With his goddamn butcher knife
Damn sick fuck, that Georgie

John Jingle Jingleheimer Shits

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
His name is my name, too!
Whenever we go out
The people always shout
"You fuckers have the same name, goddamnit!"

Jack Be Nimble

be nimble
Jack, be quick
Jack tried jumping naked over a huge bonfire
And burnt his goddamn prick

Then Jack jumped high
Then Jack jumped low
Then Jack fell into the fire
Received third degree burns
Losing all of his toes

And his prick
What a dumbass!

On Top of Spaghetti

top of my woody
I have a disease
I lost my poor meatballs
Due to aids and herpes
That fucking slut Gwen
She's the Queen of all Sleaze
Because of her rancid coochie
I now pee through a tube
I wish I could stab her
It might make me feel good

Hokey Pokey

You put your right foot in
You put your right leg out
You hook your right fist in

And you punch him in the face

You do the Hokey-Pokey

And you slit his goddamn throat
That's what it's all about!

You put your left foot in
You put your left foot out
You put your left foot in

And you turn yourself around,
Quickly firing off your bazooka
Decimating all of your enemies
That's what it's all about!


bazza said...

Thank goodness Sir Tom is not here to read this! He might take offence and think he was the English schmuck.
Who wrote all this stuff Kelly?
Thanks for the laughs.

Kelly said...

bazza- I wrote 'em last night. I was going to write a more serious post but I thought, fuck it. I've been doing enough of that, lately. Heh heh. Sir Tom, the English schmuck? Say it ain't so. lol. And... you're welcome on that last note.

Mr. Stupid said...

HAHA. These were hilarious. Wow. So you are now an Official Rhyme writer. Good going!:)

klahanie said...

Excellent rewording of some of our favourite wittle nursery rhymes.
Well done. I, once again, am worried as fuck that I like the way your distorted mind works:-)
Mother Goose. Or Goose Mother.
Hey diddle diddle the cats had a fiddle.
My favourite nursery rhyme is 'Humpty Dumpty' (which, apparently is not an alternative name for a 'one-night-stand')
Yeah good old Humpty. Greatest fucking 'off-the-wall' comedian, ever!!
Great stuff, Kelly. The 'wee folks' would be very impressed.
Hickory Dickory Dock, The mouse ran up your cock...:-)

Crazy Brunette said...


Well, I ain't reading those to the girls before bed!!!!

The Wolf said...

Kelly you should write children's books that was fucking fantastic....or as the French would say.....that was fucking fantastic (but in French). I just got my internet up and runing in my new place and besides searching for midget clown porn this was the first site I came is a glorious day indeed.

Kelly said...

Mr. Stupid- Glad you enjoyed them. I tried packing each one with as much tenderness and sensitivity as I could. Thanks.

Kelly said...

klahanie- No wonder you like the way my distorted mind works, Gary. Yours, I'm happy to report, is just as distorted -albeit on a somewhat different level, perhaps lol. Don't be ashamed to flaunt it! lol.

By the way, I see you've started some great nursery rhymes there but didn't finish them. If you ever want to make some fucked up nursery rhymes up and send 'em my way, I'll give you full credit for your delightful work (with link to your site). Then I'll return the favor by writing something, eh, A LOT LESS fucked up for your blog. I'm thinking about spreading my seeds, I mean... bits of my creativity around these days on other sites.

Think about it. No pressure. Take care.

Kelly said...

Crazy Brunette- Oh come on... They're fun for the whole family. Well, maybe the Manson family. lol.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Yeah, My poignant, inspirational words of rhyme would surely delight the hearts and minds of parents and children alike. You've really got a good idea there.

Glad you're getting your shit together and up and running. I'm flattered that you came to my site first. Although I don't have any midget clown yet, I try to offer quality material like that, just the same. It really shows, doesn't it?

Be sure to play my version of "Hokey Pokey" to start off your real glorious day. Heh heh. Take care.

klahanie said...

Hello Kelly,
That seems like a great idea. I could submit some 'fucked-up' nursery rhymes to your site and you could do the same on mine.
I know my blogs might seem a little less risky than yours. Yet, I don't mind how you respond on my blog.
One day soon, I shall do a really crude blog. When the mood suits me.
Like I told you before, dude, that's what I like about your blog. You can do all kinds of different forms of writing. I think that is great.
I'll send you a screwed up nursery rhyme, soon. Heck, we might get it published! Or maybe
Take care, Gary :-)

rusty said...

wow, nursery rhymes are pretty sick in and of themselves, but kelly, can you read me a story?

Kelly said...

klahanie- Sounds like a good deal. Thanks. Take care, as always, dude.

Kelly said...

rusty- How ya doin'? Good to hear from ya again. Why shore... Let ol Uncle Kelly read ya a bedtime story and you'll be having sweet dreams in no time.

Static said...

I love a little pussy too. I could listen to/read that nursery rhyme all day and night until my loins burst. They do that on any regular day/evening, but that's beside the point.

Kelly said...

Static- It is quite beautiful. It brings a milky white tear to one's penis.

When your loins burst, does candy come out?

Static said...

Kelly, although I have a cock-pinata that can be beaten for hours..there's no candy that flies out, only confetti.

Ay ay ay!

Kelly said...

Static- Beaten for hours? You must put in quite a day's work, I imagine. And confetti? Now that sounds like a party that I will not attend. Stuff is all squiggly and stuff.

Ay ay ay!

and stuff

Anonymous said...

Oh, my god... Kelly!! haha!! Fantabulous brother! I am laughing so hard my chest hurts... and that's no small feat! haha!!

Kelly said... Ha ha. Glad you had a good laugh, Penny. That's great to hear. I do what I can for my friends. Take care.

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