5 QUESTIONS For Gary

Gary is my fourth blogger pal to do my 5 QUESTIONS series. He's been a source of comfort and humor for me in our continuous internet interactions. Gary has helped me through some rough times with his words. A true friend, even if I can't see him in real life. Or could that be him I see, peeking around the sofa? Eh, nope- just another big-eyed alien freak, lookin' for corn chips that fell down between the cushions.

Really, though, this guy is considerate, funny, twisted, smart and runs an excellent blog called Klahanie. You need to check out his blog if you haven't already. It's chock full of great writing, fun wordplay, whimsical characters and a lot of heart. Visiting Klahanie is time well spent.

Look to your upper left of this post and you'll see Gary..... as a baby.... not as he is now. If that were him now, I'm not sure that he would be capable of forming sentences.

Now... On with the show. Here are my life changing, all-too-important inquiries and Gary's charming answers in this edition of 5 QUESTIONS. Enjoy. Read. And have a frontal lobotomy- on the house.

Question 1: What is the last furry thing you touched and how did it make you feel?

Well, the last furry thing I touched was the set of dice hanging from my car's rear view mirror. This made me feel like I was going through, yet another 'mid-life crisis', as I cranked up some 'Metallica tunes', rolled down my windows and gave one finger salutes to startled pedestrians.

Question 2: You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. You are "King of The Island". What rules do you put in place?

The rules are simple. Being the 'King of The Island', all the women folk are forbidden to wear clothes. Each of these naked women must perform sexual worship upon me, their 'Majesty', at my beckoning command. This will be done on a rota system in order to keep it fair. The men folk will be required to do all the hunter gathering, cooking and cleaning. After about a month of this; I will hold an Island meeting. At which point I will state, mostly due to exhaustion from being sucked dry by the naked ladies; that I will no longer be King and we will have a democratically elected Republic.

I realise that all men are equal , but hell, will I have fun for a month!

Question 3: If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Actually, it's in reverse. Apes and monkeys evolved from man. The apes and monkeys are the 'superior races'. Lets look at the 'facts'. Man has worshipped such legendary icons as 'Magilla Gorilla', 'Grape Ape', 'Clyde the Orangutan', in the film, 'Every Which Way but Loose', the lovable 'Cheetah the Chimp' in the 'Tarzan movies and of course, the mighty 'King Kong'. And lets not forget that space pioneer, 'Albert the Rhesus monkey'.

Yes indeed, humans idolise and look on in wonder at the superior race that are the monkeys and the apes. Hell, even Michael Jackson had a Chimp named 'Bubbles'. You've heard that song, 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles' ?

So really, you might ask, 'If monkeys and apes evolved from man, why do we still have man?' Maybe we humans are still here to see our wondrous future and what we will one day look like. I've heard a rumour that the monkeys and apes are thinking of making a film. 'Planet of the Humans'.

Question 4: Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected? If so, what does the purple unicorn say?

You expect me to answer this? If you unexpected the expected than the expected would be expected to be unexpected. I have no idea what that means. But then again, if you expected the unexpected response, you probably expected me to give an unexpected expected reply. The purple unicorn says even though it has a point, there is no point in expecting a purple unicorn to lie down in a field and have rampant sex with the first unexpected encounter with a human. This would be the same human who is so thrilled about one day looking like an ape or a monkey; that the human does not realise that said purple unicorn has shoved its horn up his protruding butt.

Question 5: An angry mob of townspeople are intent on dragging you out of your house, flogging you in public and inserting assorted vegetables up your ass. After they set your house on fire, you run out and attempt to convince them that you're innocent. What, exactly, do you tell them?

This is what I tell them. 'The dude you are looking for realised what a bunch of dumb ass judgemental fucks you are. He has headed north to the land of the beaver. To that sacred place of moose and maple syrup. This is a case of mistaken identity. However, if y'all what to flog me in public and insert assorted vegetables up my ass...well yes please and yee hah! I hope y'all got one of them thar really large cucumbers....'

*All out of large cucumbers, I offer baskets of fresh pointy carrots to the outraged villagers for them to use. Somebody has to be the Good Samaritan, after all.

Heh heh. Thanks, Gary, for your participation in this joyous questionnaire.