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Monday, January 16, 2012

Things You Don't See Every Day

I remember the time my 70 year old boss dressed up like a Hostess Twinkie and shuffled about in front of the grocery store where I worked.  The adults that walked by, looked at him, bewildered.  It was hot enough to fry a bacon and turd sandwich that day.  The kids seemed to enjoy the show as they danced and laughed around him.  So gleeful were they, I thought they were going to take a bite out of his costume.

I didn't know who, exactly, was in that costume because I had just arrived for my shift that afternoon.  I figured it was one of the younger guys.  I thought this because this costume didn't look like the type that had a fan or any type of cooling system built inside like some costumes you see people wearing at amusement parks.  In fact, it looked handmade.  I didn't know an old guy was inside it.

Not long after doing his little promotional shuffle, entertaining the crowd, "The Boss Man" became tired.  When I walked into the stock room, he was in the middle of taking off his costume.  I was shocked to see that he was shirtless and he had his big ol' fat floppy old man boobies hangin' out while the rest of his torso was covered in a yellow foam material.  He was wearing a pair of little white boots, too.

I laughed to myself, imagining what the reactions of all would be if he were to walk outside the store like he was in his half-dressed present state.  Maybe he would boost Twinkie sales with some of the elderly, half- blind ladies in town.  Who knows?

Almost immediately, I turned and walked out the stock room door, sharing what I had just seen with a few other co-workers.  I'm nice that way.

Speaking of things you don't see every day...  

Remember those "Baby On Board" signs that were so prevalent a decade ago?
Dancing pig with no back legs.

Did he just tell a lie?
It looks like a delicate procedure.

He looks lost.  He should ask for directions.
You should watch this for something you really don't see much of these days.

32 comments:

Pickleope said...

With Hostess declaring bankruptcy, I wonder if you can even get a Twinkie costume anymore.
As for the pictures...What. The. Hell. Glad I didn't read this at night so that I have a full day to try to erase the visual nightmares you bestowed upon us.

Kelly said...

Pickleope- Yeah, I read that about Hostess declaring bankruptcy, recently. I was going to include that bit of news in the post but I figured it's been heard about pretty much by everyone by now. I don't know if you can get a Twinkie The Kid costume anymore. You can probably find one on Amazon.com or Ebay if you look. People seem to be doing everything with Twinkies these days. Deep frying them to cutting them in half and using them as hot dog buns. I even saw a Stonehenge/Twinkie pic on the net, last night. Look it up. Glad you enjoyed the pics. Happy nightmares! Lol.

billy pilgrim said...

i can't tell you how many times i've been getting ready to ram into a car but have stopped at the last minute because they had a baby on board sticker!

Kim said...

My son read about Hostess, thought we'd never see their products again. I assured him that Twinkies will be around forever, given what they're made of. Having worked in a grocery store, I can very well visualize that stockroom scene. Unfortunately. ;)

GEM said...

OMG! I nearly threw up at the man/penis hybrid monstrosity. And yeah it should ask for directions, like where the G spot is? It's not a picture of your's it Kelly?;)

G said...

Great story...of course today someone would have snapped a pic on their phone and uploaded it to faccebook before your boss got dressed...which would of spoiled the story.
Laughed at the pinocchio pic as well..reminded me of a joke with the punch line "tell a lie, tell the truth, tell a lie, tell the truth..."

Kelly said...

billy pilgrim- I know what you mean. And every time I see one of those "Retarded Politician On Board" signs, I ram my truck into them as hard as I can. I can tell you how many times I've completely totaled my vehicle in the last couple of months. Jeez.

klahanie said...

Ah Kelly,
You're a wonderful man to share what you had seen with your co-workers and indeed, we are privileged, beyond belief, that you would share it with us. Thanks for that.
And once again, you have delighted with submitting things we don't see every day. Well, unless you live in this funky little town.
And that lip plate lady. Just imagine the fellatio....perhaps not...and no, 'fellatio' is not an Italian opera singer! :)
Take care eh....

Kelly said...

Kim- Not only that, and I'm sure you're aware of this, but just because a company declares bankruptcy, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're done for and won't sell their products again. A lot companies, like Kmart, for instance, declare bankruptcy and even close down a 100 or more stores and keep on going.

Ah, so you've worked in a grocery store, too. Yeah, I worked as an assistant manager at a grocery store for 13 years and then I got smart and left. "The Boss Man" was a cheap bastard that would maybe give you a 10 cent raise every couple of years. He was also the type that appreciated having his ass kissed more than good honest work being done for him. I should have left the job sooner but I was young and dumb.

Kelly said...

GEM- Hahaha.... So you enjoyed that dildo pic, eh? Since it can speak, it should ask direction for 'G spot'... or the clit (which I lovingly call The Love Button). Oh, the wonderful slang terms I have for both female and male genitalia. I could go on and on and on, as I'm sure you're aware.

More importantly, you asked if that 'monstrosity' was either my sex toy or my penis. I wasn't quite sure what exactly you were asking. The bad news and good news is, is that it is actually my penis. I consider it bad news because it talks too much and has googly eyes that scares off the gals. The good news is, is that since I'm married, it doesn't really matter and my wife thinks it's funny when it tells fart jokes. Hope you're having a swell ol' time in Russia, GEM. Thanks for commenting. :)

Kelly said...

G- Yeah, they probably would have done just that. Luckily, there weren't camera phones back then in the 1980's. There was still such a thing as privacy. Nowadays, privacy is gone with the wind with the advent of camera phones, Fuckbook and cameras every where on earth and above Earth. Ah, well, at least I'm 48 now, half-way dead and won't be around long enough to see red meat completely outlawed and an individual's chances of getting any kind of job based on their genetic flaws (like in that movie, "Gattaca").

It seems like as more time passes, the stricter the laws and regulations of society increasingly become. yipeee. :)

Kelly said...

klahanie- Too true, Gary, too true. I've always been a wonderful sharer of things. If I could, I would share my herpes complex 14, my multitude of crotch crabs and the gelatinous green gobs of mucous I'm coughing up from the bronchitis I've been suffering from the past four or five days. Unfortunately, there's just not enough time.

You live in a town where sights like these are commonplace? What a lucky fellow you are. Gosh. Can I move in with you and share in the visual delights? I promise to bring my cat to help "fertilize" your garden. I know how much you'd love that. :)

Just now I was imagining that 'lip plate lady' giving me a "hummer". No, not the over-sized, overly macho vehicle type of hummer. I'm talking about the fellatio kind of hummer. The spurt-in-your-mate's-mouth-until-baby-batter-blasts-out of-her-ears kind of hummer. Yep.

Good day or evening to you, kind sir.

bazza said...

Hi Kezza. Another entertaining post.
By the way, I never heard of 'Hostess' or 'Twinkies'. I don't think we have them over here - have we missed something wonderful?
Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

LilPixi said...

I think Pinocchio's face is about to become the carnival ride.

I also can't figure out if that's a deformed carrot or a deformed turnip & why the hell it had a c-section giving birth to a bunny.

That story was fucking hilarious!! I've missed it here too much. I had to come crawling back.

BragonDorn said...

Bwahaha! I wish my boss would dress up like a Hostess Twinkie :)

Kelly said...

bazza- Thanks, man. OMG! You don't have Twinkies over in England?!! How have you and your countrymen survived without these delicious treats made up of various chemicals, loads of fat, tons of sugar and all the rest of the crap they use to make these god-awful monstrosities?

Missed something wonderful??? lol. If by wonderful, you mean missing something that tastes like a small bed pillow full of rancid frosting, then I guess you have missed something "wonderful". Even when I wasn't diabetic, I couldn't stand Twinkies.

Other than all of that, have a great day, bazza. :)

Kelly said...

LilPixi- Pinocchio's nose would be slicker than a stripper's pole after she got done with him. She would get quite the ride and hopefully- no splinters. Somebody said it was a parsnip, whatever the hell that is. I don't know what a parsnip is, for sure, because I eat regular food. You know. Hamburgers and taters. No Twinkies! And don't ask me why it's having a c-section giving birth to a bunny. Whoever painted this was on a bad acid trip.

Thank you kindly for the "story" compliment. If I haven't said it before about a hundred times, I'll say it again... You've been very sorely missed. Crawl or sprint back here whenever you can. You have been sorely missed. Have I said that already? :) Yes. I think I may have. Take care, LilPixi.

Kelly said...

BragonDorn- I hear if you pray real hard to Lord Twinkie The Kid and eat a box of Twinkies, you wish (or prayer) will be granted. Btw, I think all bosses should dress like Hostess Twinkies. It would make for a more interesting work day, for sure. :)

dcrelief said...

Oh Kelly, I dry Hostess Twinkies in the sun and use them to sand fine furniture. You know, refurnishing? Twink twink here, twink twink there, and a couple of foamy lahs...that's how we sand the day a way in the merry old land of OZ.
As for the pics... whoa! Ain't never!

Anonymous said...

When I see a "Baby on Board" sign, I ram their car or minivan as hard as I can. I don't give a damn if they have a baby. What the hell do I care? Not my problem!

Was P.T. really dressed as a Twinkie? Can't picture that, or else I don't want to!

AK

Kelly said...

dcrelief- That's a great idea, using dried Twinkies to sand furniture. Lol. I do the same with dried children and cripples. That's how we do it in the merry old Land of Crazy.

Just KIDding. :) The pics are lovely, eh?

Sorry it took so long to comment back. I've been busy losing my mind due to family health care/health scare problems. Who know? I might be able to visit blogs again, like yours, after this weekend. Be prepared!

Kelly said...

Anonymous/AK- Lol. That's a delightful way to respond to a "Baby on Board" sign. Hilarious! It shows the parents that your truly respect their pretentious signs. I ram their vehicle, as well. When I see a "I have a child who is a honor student" bumper sticker on their car's bumper, I throw a dead retard through their windshield when they pass under a viaduct.

And yes, P.T., my old manager, really was dressed as a Twinkie. I had the misfortune of seeing him half naked in the stockroom. If he was going to undress, knowing he was half naked, underneath, why didn't he do it in his own office?

Static said...

The old guy in the Twinkie suit would probably entertain the lip plate ladies for hours. I wonder if the lip plate lady can eat Twinkies...and HOW she'd do that exactly. =\

Kelly said...

Static- I think the old guy (my former, now deceased, boss) probably would have been entertained by a monkey on a stick, not to mention a lip plate lady. His main hobby, for fun, was dickering around with his old ham radio. To each their own, though. I'd like to see the lip plate lady do that, too. I also wonder how she gives fellatio to the men in her country. :)

Static said...

Gosh, who isn't entertained by a monkey on a stick?

I don't think the lip plate lady is cut out for fellatin'...but she's a perfect candidate for bukkake.

Kelly said...

Well, I'm going to go over to her place and just see about that. Mmm- hmm. But before that, I wanna see if I can balance a monkey on a stick on her bottom lip plate- just for kicks.

Oh, the fun we shall have.

Static said...

Sounds like a good time bukkake-fest. Make sure the monkey on a stick gets his fair share. Mm-hmm!

Kelly said...

Don't worry. I will. I'm a FIRM believer in animal rights because I care just that much.

The Angry Lurker said...

Damn that vid is scary and not in a good way.....

Kelly said...

The Angry Lurker- I thought so, too. I especially was freaked out by the loud slurping noise she made when she drank water and what she had to do in order to get that water into her body. I can't imagine why, whether it be for tribal custom reasons, body adornment or something else, someone would actually screw their face up that much on purpose. It's like these rich white women who are addicted to having plastic surgery done on themselves, continuously- but only worse. Eventually, their health is effected.

Lil Dreamer said...

Hmmm... I have a sudden craving for twinkies and bacon right now!

Kelly said...

Lil Dreamer- Deep fried twinkie and bacon sandwich, I hope. If you're going to eat unhealthy food, you might as well go all out. :)

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